Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML

Wow. That's... wow.

FreakPirate

Calgary, AB

November 2002

FEB 09, 2009 02:20 PM

Today, I visited my 78 year old grandmother. She thanked me for visiting and gave me a magazine before I left telling me I might find something I like in there. When I got home I looked at the magazine only to realize it's full of dildos and sextoys. FML

FreakPirate

Calgary, AB

November 2002

FEB 09, 2009 02:22 PM

Double posted!

FrankMask

Saint Paul, MN

June 2003

FEB 09, 2009 04:48 PM

FreakPirate said:
Double posted!

Dude! You're still here?

littlebluesecret

USA

February 2009

FEB 09, 2009 09:31 PM

motorfirebox said:

littlebluesecret said:
I know what I'm going to be doing for the next hour or so!

And it's not throwing up on someone during sex.

y'know, you're never going to get any play if you insist on being so picky!

I know, I know... do I get another chance if I let you pee on me?

Lemonkid

Australia

May 2003

FEB 10, 2009 12:10 AM

This shit made me laugh a lot today. Unfortunately the bad part of my day happened after all that laughter. I might have to go back and read some more.

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH

February 2007

FEB 10, 2009 01:16 AM

Today, I accidentally unplugged my headphones in the quiet section of the library, causing my music to play from my laptop at full volume. I was listening to Celine Dion. I'm the captain of the football team. FML

Dryad

HOPEFUL

Detroit, MI

FEB 10, 2009 10:10 AM

Today, I crapped in my pants and had to wait an hour of commuting till I could clean it up. What a sight and smell it was on the subway. Thank God I had sunglasses to wear. FML

I am so sure this is my xbf.

Niello

SUICIDEGIRL

Ontario, Canada

FEB 11, 2009 05:08 PM

How the hell did I not know about this site until now!?

Today, my boyfriend was tapping on my thigh to the beat of the music when we were driving to dinner. When I asked him what he was doing he replied, "Just watching the ripples." FML

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her exiting her room....my electric tothbrush in her hand. FML

Today, on the crowded train, a cute guy called me over and told me to stand next to him because there were less people there. We started talking, but he left before I could get his number. Just when I was about to tell my friends about it, I find out that he stole my phone. FML

Gregz77

France

February 2009

FEB 11, 2009 10:02 PM

We have the same kind of website in french, but it's called VDM (Vie de merde).

Nellamarie

I'm lost

February 2009

FEB 16, 2009 01:44 PM

LOVE this site. I knew I had better things to do than studying. I just had to look hard enough. =]

Elipsis

HOPEFUL

Stockton, CA

FEB 16, 2009 02:40 PM

Today, I told my dad I was leaving to get some beauty sleep. He looked at me laughing and said "See you in a decade." FML

sounds like my dad...

halfjack

Allston, MA

June 2005

FEB 16, 2009 09:01 PM

this is beautiful. thank you sir. I needed it. BAD.

RatBugDave

Toledo, OH

July 2003

FEB 17, 2009 12:39 AM

Today, I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain I awoke on the floor covered in my own shit and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours for my wife to return home from work, clean me up and take me to the hospital. FML

Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML

Today, I went to Target to buy some soap and this 65-70 year old woman next to me was asking a sales associate if they had any bubble bath mix. I suddenly pictured her naked, bathing herself and suddenly my dick just couldn't sit still. It's probably because I haven't had sex in over 22 months. FML

Today, my 19 year old girlfriend dumped me because she thinks I'm immature. I'm 30. FML

piggybankcowboy

Macomb, MI

February 2009

FEB 17, 2009 10:30 AM

Elipsis said:

Today, I told my dad I was leaving to get some beauty sleep. He looked at me laughing and said "See you in a decade." FML

sounds like my dad...

sounds like me...hah!

Coralee

SUICIDEGIRL

Illinois, USA

FEB 22, 2009 07:00 AM

Good lord... this really cheers you up!
Bravo!

MikeRivers

I'm lost

February 2009

FEB 22, 2009 10:38 PM

How did anyone share their private misery anonymously before the internet?

MinusFourDegrees

USA

October 2007

FEB 22, 2009 10:48 PM

MikeRivers said:
How did anyone share their private misery anonymously before the internet?

Cave drawings.

BratPanties

Ireland

August 2008

FEB 23, 2009 03:34 AM

Today, a child sitting next to me on the bus pointed at me and asked: "Mommy, when it's not a man and it's not a woman, what is it then?" FML

Today, I walked out of the bathroom when two guys were checking me out and said "nice tail" I smiled and strutted to my next class. When I was about to sit down in my desk, the girl behind me said "did you know you have toilet paper hanging out of your pants?" FML

DhD_No_Pants

Katy, TX

May 2006

FEB 23, 2009 11:00 AM

Today, I accidently walked in on my girlfriend masturbating so I said to her "Need a hand with that?", to which she replied "I'm doing fine here on my own, don't ruin it". FML

Today, I told the guy I have feelings for that I'm interested in, and asked him how he feels about it. He responded via text, saying, "I feel fairly neutral about that." FML

swingkitten

Portland, OR

OLD SKOOL

FEB 24, 2009 07:12 AM

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up!". FML

Hah!

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BOARDS:

TOPICS:

Calgary, AB

November 2002

FEB 09, 2009 02:18 PM

Calgary, AB

November 2002

FEB 09, 2009 02:20 PM

Calgary, AB

November 2002

FEB 09, 2009 02:22 PM

Saint Paul, MN

June 2003

FEB 09, 2009 04:48 PM

USA

February 2009

FEB 09, 2009 09:31 PM

Australia

May 2003

FEB 10, 2009 12:10 AM

Cleveland, OH

February 2007

FEB 10, 2009 01:16 AM

HOPEFUL

Detroit, MI

FEB 10, 2009 10:10 AM

SUICIDEGIRL

Ontario, Canada

FEB 11, 2009 05:08 PM

France

February 2009

FEB 11, 2009 10:02 PM

I'm lost

February 2009

FEB 16, 2009 01:44 PM

HOPEFUL

Stockton, CA

FEB 16, 2009 02:40 PM

Allston, MA

June 2005

FEB 16, 2009 09:01 PM

Toledo, OH

July 2003

FEB 17, 2009 12:39 AM

Macomb, MI

February 2009

FEB 17, 2009 10:30 AM

SUICIDEGIRL

Illinois, USA

FEB 22, 2009 07:00 AM

I'm lost

February 2009

FEB 22, 2009 10:38 PM

USA

October 2007

FEB 22, 2009 10:48 PM

Ireland

August 2008

FEB 23, 2009 03:34 AM

Katy, TX

May 2006

FEB 23, 2009 11:00 AM

Portland, OR

OLD SKOOL

FEB 24, 2009 07:12 AM