Kingdom Hearts
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Squaresoft's biggest blowout hit since the gayzification, more colloquially known as their merger with Enix.
Contents |
Gameplay
In Kingdom Hearts, you become winner by approaching an enemy and pressing X several times. Riku, the character who is pretty angsty but not as angsty as that one other character, can also perform magic attacks that do not do anything. AI partners such as Donald and Goofy assist you in battle by using up all of your potions and dying. Between stages, players are punished for their stupid decision to buy the game by being forced to play through the microwave oven version of Star Fox.
Origins
It was the year 2000. The world had barely entered the new millennium and the Y2K bug was averted. Yes, it seemed that mankind was at the very hallmark of it's existence.
Little did anyone know, an amazing event took place in California.
At an unknown cryogenics lab in Anaheim, the lid to an old cryogenic shuttle had been opened. Out of it came someone we were sure was dead.
Walt Disney.
You see, with his empire growing at a phenomenal level, Walt was content. But one day, while working on "The Sword and the Stone", Disney had a period of brief mortality. He was coming on 60 in this world and at the rate of his health he would never get to see the fruits of his labor. Sure, Disneyland was great. But what about that Disneyworld he planned to build in Florida? But why stop there? What about Tokyo Disney? EuroDisney? Hong Kong Disney? Maybe we can build one in Moscow and show those pinko commie sons of bitches a thing or two.
Drunk on this idea, Disney put to work some of his finest imagineers at Tommorowland to develop a way for Disney to live on into the next century. Finally, after about a year of non stop work and many fatalities in the process, Disney had himself a cryogenic chamber. The plan was that Disney would enter the cryogenic chamber and be put in a state of suspended animation. He would remain this way until his birthday, December 5th, in the year 2000. He entered cryogenic sleep on December 15th, 1965. Jealous stockholders who lost millions of dollars on this crazy scheme, said that Walt died of lung cancer due to his constant smoking habit. Also, just to take a jab at the person who made them lose money, they said he was antisemitic.
As Disney awoke from his slumber, he looked at the world around him. And everything he saw displeased him. Turns out that his multi-billion dollar company wasn't the only multi-billion dollar company out there. Microsoft, McDonald's, Coca-Cola, the whole lot. Plus, the motion pictures, made-for-TV movies, and Animated motion pictures that had his name on the title sucked. He made this discovery after watching The Emporer's New Groove.
What most disturbed Disney was that his beloved children from the 50's who used to have so much imagination were now fat little fucks that had no imagination whatsoever.
Feeling betrayed by the demographic who practically built his fortune, Disney looked to a new demographic: Video Gamers.
Although he was first skeptical, Disney was willing to try anything to get into the wallets of these very docile creatures. So he studied them.
After his study he made a conclusion.
Video Gamers like Anime.
Anime is commonly associated with RPG's
The main authority on RPG was Final Fantasy.
It was obvious what Disney had to do.
Create a video game combining what was great about his animated films and combine them with the characters and storyline complex found in Final Fantasy.
"By God, I'm a genius!" he said as he picked up the phone to call Squaresoft.
xxxKingdomexHeartsxxx
Players have the chance to command a young boy wearing a clown suit. Featured in the game is what is lack for a better word, J-Pop music by Utada Hikaru and characters from Final Fantasy and classic Disney movies. The story is about the boy, SORAs, quest to find his girlfriend-to-be, Kairi, in many worlds, each one more tacky than the previous. Unfortunately for Sora, Kairi falls into a coma and is kidnapped by angst ridden teenager Riku, who is trying to go wowzaz_86 on the poor innocent Kairi. Along the way Sora has wet dreams which awaker Donald Duck with hot spermjuice. Everybody dies in the end.
The game was quite a hit in the gaming world for featuring, amazingly in the midst of all the gayness, a not-half-bad gaming system which lured many gamers to this style, as well as women attracted by the absurd amount of what is referred in some female circles as cuteness. This makes it the first video game, of any type, ever, to be played by members of the weaker sex.
The game TimeSplitters: Future Perfect took the basic idea and plot and did it better with characters you didn't want to strangle. If only the game wasn't a shitty Goldeneye cocksucker.
Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories
Sora finds himself trapped in castle by a mysterious organization that slipped him a date rape drug. As such he can't remember anything so you get to play through the original game again! Except this is on the GBA and you fight with CARDS! This is at least 50% gayer than the original especially with a final boss with pink showing off his willy for a final boss.
Square Enix was very happy when all the dumb broads, I mean, fans bought this game for what little plot there is.
Kingdom Hearts 2
Kingdom Hearts II is the shitty sequel to Kingdom Hearts. Unlike that first game there is ACTUAL gay content. With Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, and Sephiroth all in one game there's no way this wasn't targeted towards fangirls,fanboys, and 13-year-old gamers who don't know any better. They have 12 guys (half of which are already dead) running talking about these portals (see vagina) to peoples hearts .
Only furries and morons still obsessed with Final Fantasy VII play this game, and Republicans who pre-play their children's games to make sure it won't encourage them to develop any opinions on the world around them.
A feature implemented is that in this Kingdom Hearts shamelessly ruins Pirates Of The Caribbean by adding Jack Sparrow and giving him a faggot's voice. Other movies ruined in the game include any movies that were unfortunate enough to be included in the mass murder of halfway decent Disney movies as we know them.
Fantards
All KH fantards are lesbians. If they aren't before entering the fandom, they will be soon.
Once Sora manhandled Rikus' ass we all knew we would be screwed.
Fangirls KAWAIIED over the "questionable friendship" the two boys had. So what happened? Well they became Fuck Buddies, that's what freaking happened. Soon the swarms of horribly written fan fiction made several blind and may have cause some Grammar Nazis to commit suicide.
Best KH Fan Fiction
- No Plot. AT ALL.
- Sora dream of Riku fucking his ass
- Riku cuts himself.. darkness..blah blah blah...
- Sora is randomly raped several times
- Kairi is a bitch and wants to fuck Sora all on her own...
- Have them randomly proclaim there love for each other for no reason at all
- ????
- No. No profit.
Kingdom Hearts 3
Fanboys and fangirls from all over the world were screaming for a few decades about another sequel, Kingdom Hearts III. Kingdom Hearts III is currently under development near your home. It is said that it will be released once Disney has made a compromise with Square Enix to stop making shitty animated films that noone cares about. It is to star Sarah. As well as Sarah, Kano will be starring once again. It has been officially confirmed that she will be played by Britney Spears and her Keyblade will be the size of Solid Snake's and Kratos's cocks combined. Her vagina will also have teeth and her left arm will be made of mecha. It is widely considered the greatest game ever made.
Girls
Women are the best video game players in the world, so Kingdom Hearts is one of the few games they've dominated.
Enemies
- The Heartless who have no bodies.
- The Nobodies who have no hearts.
- The Goatse-less who like it in the butt.
- Solid Snake's Ass.
- Your common sense.
- Your heterosexuality.
- Ansem
- Utada Hikaru's horrible English lyrics.
- The bad lulz, old memes etc.
- Org Infinity, who fight with My Little Ponies.
- Your mom (along with your mom's mom)
- Decent games as we know them
- Anybody opposed to abortion
- Anybody opposed to homosexuality
- Captain Falcon's giant cock.
Images
 The Pride Lands level in a nutshell. |
 It's easy to guess what group that Square Enix wanted to appeal to.. |
 How the game REALLY ended. |
 Sora's Ultimate Form in Kingdom Hearts II |
 The |
 entire |
 game |
 is |
 like |
 this, |
 honestly. |
 A test you must pass before being able to play the game. |
 He love the cock. |
 What really happens to Xemnas in Kingdom Hearts. |
 Typical Kingdom Hearts fans |
See also
- Final Fantasy VII
- The World Ends With You
- DisneyFan01
- SapphyDracases
- ShaloneSK
- Yaoi-ultima
- Austral-Azn
- Iris
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Kingdom Hearts is part of a series on Gaming. |
