While it’s a requirement for every
Maxim editor to have the rockin’ bod of an Adonis, to further enhance our already impressive physiques for competition purposes, we needed some professional help. Enter Crunch gym. Crunch has outposts nationwide, and luckily for our lazy asses, one of those outposts is two blocks from our office.
Besides having machines designed to chisel every inch of one’s body, Crunch also has a team of trainers who know more about delts and traps than we thought humanly possible. When trainers Kam, Eric, Kris and Edmund stopped laughing at our pasty legs, they took some baseline tests and analyzed our already brain boggling dieselness, speed, and agility. These preliminary results will help us determine the final, most biggestest loser in a mere seven more weeks.
We thought we were done, but no luck. After the tests came our first training sessions…the results below. Yes, there’s vomiting involved.
Dan Bova
Executive Editor
Our first day of training with the guys at Crunch was, how do the French say it? Fucking painful as fuck. I thought I had done hard workouts before, but I haven’t felt this run over since, well, I got run over when I was 15. The trainers had us do something called Burpees at the end of weightlifting supersets. Burpees are like squat thrusts with a jump thrown in. They are the devil’s work. They are exhausting and left my head spinning. I seriously thought I was going to puke all over my new New Balance 904 kicks. But what kind of pussy would do that? (See DAVID SWANSON) Burpees will haunt my dreams. If I don’t have 6-pack abs by the end of this thing, Crunch burns!
Push Ups: 41
Squats: 20
Shuttle Run: 5.32 s, 5.54 s
David Swanson
Features Editor
My first full day of training started well: squats, leg presses—you name it. Then I started to feel kind of lightheaded—and like I felt was going to puke. But I pressed on: squat thrusts, medicine ball—and I felt like I was going to puke. Then it was time to run. One circuit and I felt like I was going to puke. Then I puked. And I puked. And I puked. And I puked.
Push Ups: 40
Squats: 8
Shuttle Run: 5.72 s, 5.78 s
Patrick Carone
Senior Editor
The drills were intense. The trainers were tough. The sight of my coworker Mike Dawson’s bare ass in the locker room was terrifying. Still, I was able to get through my first workout with the guys from Crunch with my head held high. Sure, I felt like a bit of a special-ed student when the trainers decided that my “technique” was too off to utilize weights during a lunging exercise, but I knew they had my best interests (and back muscles) in mind. Perhaps more important than giving my body a solid workout, the Crunch dudes “taught me how to fish,” so to speak, giving me the tools to kick my own ass in future gym sessions. Watch your back, fellow losers!
Push Ups: 13
Squats: 0
Shuttle Run: 5.65 s, 5.86 s
Mike Dawson
Senior Associate Editor
About 47 seconds into our first training session with Crunch trainers Eric and Kam (two guys with biceps bigger than my shapely thighs), I realized why I’m still fat as hell. Because, yeah, I thought resting and pacing was a good thing. You know, that it prevents heart attacks, pain, or actual hard work. Turns out rest means you’re a chubby wimp. E & K had us doing supersets, which is just a cooler way of saying weight lifting with zero friggin’ rest. EVER. One exercise. Then the next. Then the next. Repeat. I repeated until I was bowed over hallucinating, tripping out on the mesh pattern of my new Asic GT’s. “These will torch the fat,” they’d say as they assigned yet another set of burpees. So fucking what? Midway through I didn’t care. Fat is fine. I suddenly felt like I was back in high school morning swim practice when I would be crying on the inside, wishing some invisible hand would scoop me up and lay me down under the covers in my bed (seriously, that’s what I wished for), instead of wearing a Speedo, gasping for air in some cold-ass pool at 5:30 in the morning. Mommy? Help me?
Push Ups: 56
Squats: 24
Shuttle Run: 5.44 s, 5.46 s
Jesse Brukman
Assistant Editor
When I asked Eric the trainer if I could take a break for some water his response was, “No.” When I asked Eric the trainer if I could do a different exercise because “my knee hurted” his answer was, “No.” When I asked Eric the trainer if I was having a stroke, he calmly replied, “I don’t think so. But Maybe.” All I can say about my opening performance is, look, I’m freakin’ tall, all right? These dudes I’m “competing” with are all, like, five feet with platform shoes while holding an umbrella standing next to Verne Troyer. You know how hard it is to do a squat when you’re 6’3”? Not very, but I’m fat, too.
Push Ups: 30
Squats: 0
Shuttle Run: 5.72 s, 5.86
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