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Garry's Goofs

THE Sunday People recently ran the Top 40 funniest Garry's Goofs ever. But some of the best are too rude for a family paper. Here's ten of the filthiest we had to leave out:

1) Weightlifting commentator Pat Glenn: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."

2) Paul Dickenson commentating on the Dead Weight Lift on Britain's Strongest Man: Glenn Ross, 200kg swinging between his legs, hoping to get it up.

3) Soccer commentator George Hamilton getting excited about Spainish manager Luis Suarez making a substitution in the world cup qualifier against Ireland in 1992: "He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"

4) Bill Threlfall at Wimbledon revealed: "Sanchez Vicario looks a bit sloppy, but Martina's really rubbing off on her. No wonder with all that puffing and blowing."

5) Race ace Jenson Button talking about driving in high winds: "It was like my helmet was being sucked off."

6) John Inverdale stunned Britain's Strongest Man competitor Johnnie Kiss byasking: "Do you have to train to carry something of that magnitude between your legs?"

7) Metro Radio commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere, it's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

8) Blue Peter s Matt talking about ships in Liverpool: No visit to the docks would be complete without a good tug.

9) James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at the Gran Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

10) Andrea McLean was starting a men's bike race on GMTV when she told competitors: "When I give you the horn, you have to go for it."

Here is my all-time Top Ten goofs we could publish:

1) Harry Carpenter commentating on the boat race: " Ahh, isn't that nice? The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

2) Ulrika Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when she revealed: "I had a good eight inches last night."

3) Here is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddy Fanny
Sunneson lining up shots at the Scottish Open: Some weeks Nick likes to use
Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

4) Chris Tarrant was trying to help a female contestant name a famous motor-racing
commentator. The answer was Murray Walker so Chris said: "I'll give you a clue, his name sounds like something hard that tastes good when you suck it." "Ah," she replied. "It must be Dickie Davies."

5) Lorraine Kelly on GMTV: This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is here to give our model one.

6) Desmond Morris opened the door of the gents toilet at a zoo on Animal Roadshow and told Sarah Kennedy the beautiful birds inside. There's been a cockatoo in there, he told her.

7) Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards's tyres on World Superbikes when
he goofed: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

8) Arthur Negas was well impressed by two glass decanters on the Antiques Roadshow. He told their attractive owner: "That's the nicest pair I've seen in ages."

9) Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown: Ah,
erection , let s see it up please Carol.

10) Michael Buerk watched Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth
during BBC1's eclipse coverage and remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he has come in his shorts."

And finally here are the Top Ten classic sports clangers:

* Terry Venables: "I felt a lump in my throat as the ball went in."

* Brough Scott: "And there's the unmistakable figure of Joe Mercer...or is it Lester Piggott?"

* David Coleman: "She's not Ben Johnson, but then who is?"

* Ron Atkinson: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like to see it all over their faces."

* Brough Scott: "When those stalls open the horses literally explode."

* David Coleman: "That's the fastest time ever run, but it's not as fast as the world
record."

* Dan Maskell: "And here come the Gullikson twins, both from Wisconsin."

* Trevor Francis: "I think the Italians have got their hands cut out tonight."

* John Motson: "Peter Reid is hobbling. I've got a feeling that will slow him down."

* David Coleman: "The big Cuban opened his legs and showed his class."

YOU could win £35 by sending any howlers you spot on the box to
Garry's Goofs, The Sunday People, 1 Canada Square, London E14 5AP