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Mom frets over ill-advised romance

Mom frets over ill-advised romance Nightmare relationship still haunts her

Amy Dickinson | Ask Amy

February 27, 2009

Dear Amy: My daughter is an intelligent, attractive and outgoing college student. She has lots of friends, but the party scene at school does not fit her personality. She's a more down-to-earth type. She has dated but has never had a serious long-term boyfriend. She says most guys her age seem too immature.

We are very close, and recently she confided in me that she has been having a relationship with one of her professors for more than a year. He is a single, never-married man, more than 15 years her senior. I have made it clear to her that I feel this relationship is a big mistake. The fact that he was willing to enter into a romance specifically forbidden by the university is a big red flag for me.

My daughter feels that she is as much to blame as he is for this connection.

She is in love with him and believes they will have a life together.

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How can I warn her about the pitfalls of this situation without having it come between us? Should I inform the university of the romance?

She would never forgive me.

––Scared in Texas

Dear Scared: I'm not sure what would be gained by notifying the university of this romance. If both parties are consenting adults, knowing and willfully violating school policy, then they don't need Mom to save them from themselves.

One consequence of your daughter's choice is to live with the knowledge that she is participating in a relationship that might damage both her and the professor's professional future. Your daughter is admitting her role in this relationship––as she should.

I agree with you that this relationship is ill-advised and littered with red flags, but your daughter will have to travel romance's crooked path and face the consequences on her own.

If she continues to do well in school and actively maintains other relationships and friendships, and unless you have other reasons to worry about her emotional, mental or physical health, then—aside from stating your very reasonable concerns and reservations—you should leave this alone.

Dear Amy: I am a very happily married woman in my mid-30s. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful children.

The problem is that I keep having nightmares about a man I dated in my 20s.

It was a verbally abusive relationship that lasted for four years. The nightmares I'm having involve his stalking or hurting me, and my leaving or trying to hurt him back.

I haven't heard from him or seen him in years, yet I know the relationship has impacted my life.

I'd like to think I am now stronger for the experience. He was manipulative and cruel.

I am frustrated that even though I left him physically, he still haunts me in my sleep. My husband is very supportive and has suggested therapy if I think it would help, but I really don't want to talk or think about that man at all.

I am not opposed to therapy—when I left him in early 2003 I was seeing a therapist to help me stay firm with my decision to leave. Should I seek out therapy again, or will this fade with time?

––Worried

Dear Worried: You should resume therapy. From the details you provide, my own stab at what you're experiencing is that you might be suffering from a form of post-traumatic stress disorder.

Your subconscious is speaking loud and clear. You are reliving some of what happened to you and fantasizing about ways to react and retaliate.

Your nightmares might fade in time––or intensify. The best way to affect your dream life is to consciously process the events of your waking life. A compassionate counselor will help you put this trauma to rest.

Dear Amy: "T in D.C." seems to think her slob of a guy is fantastic. Does she love him enough to clean up after him forever? If he is such a slob now, does she think she can change him?

She is going to be cleaning up after him for a long time. Then she is going to write to you asking how she can get him to help with the housework, kids and yardwork. I think she should start thinking about this long term. By the way, I'm a guy.

––Familiar With Windex

Dear Familiar: I agree that the odds are this guy will remain a slob, though speaking as a former slob, I do know that sometimes people can change––or at least improve.