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Groom needs to grow up

Groom needs to grow up Teenage angst just one of life's hassles

Amy Dickinson | Ask Amy

March 4, 2009

Dear Amy: I am 25 years old and recently became engaged to the girl I love. My family loves her too.

A day after I proposed to her, we started to plan our wedding. I chose my groomsmen, and my fiance chose her bridesmaids. My parents assumed that my brothers were going to be groomsmen. I told them I had already chosen my groomsmen and my brothers were not included.

My parents got mad at me and told me that it is standard protocol to have siblings stand up with you. They said a wedding is about family and that my brothers are required to be up there.

I informed my mother that one of my brothers doesn't even like my fiance.

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My fiance's parents know about this and said it is our wedding and that it is our choice who will be groomsmen and who won't. My fiance's parents have said they will pay for us to elope if we get fed up with my parents' demands regarding our wedding.

I told my mother that it was our choice, and she replied that that is "crap." She said this is all about family.

Should I go ahead with my plans—or cave? I am afraid of what it would look like to people and my future wife if I couldn't stand up to my parents.

—Confused Groom

Dear Confused: I think you should not get married until you are more mature.

You should be in charge of your wedding. (That includes paying for it.) You should also be in charge of your life—and that means you should have the sense to handle this sort of family dust-up directly and not involve others (your in-laws, for instance).

I agree with your mother that in most circumstances it would be "standard protocol" for your brothers to stand up with you.

However, this should be your choice. You should have the backbone to deal with your brothers directly and amicably and to remind your mother that, yes, this is all about family—and that, as family, you and she should treat one another respectfully, even if she disagrees.

Dear Amy: I am 15. Perhaps this is typical for all teenagers at this age, but I don't have much self-esteem. Don't get me wrong, I'm a straight-A student with a typical family.

It's just that I can't seem to feel at ease whether I'm at school or home. I'm not depressed; I just think that I might be overthinking things. Is this normal? Am I overreacting, or is something else going on?

—Normal Or Not?

Dear Normal: One reason teenagers (and teens at heart, such as myself) are attracted to "superhero" stories is because a typical superhero (for instance, Spiderman) starts the story as a "typical" teen.

Part of the teen experience is to wonder if you are walking around in the right skin. This is an important developmental phase to go through, because wrestling with your self-esteem now will prepare you for wrestling with it in the future.

The whole question of self-esteem never really stops. What changes is your ability to deal.

You need to figure out if there are things you could do that would make you feel better—or different. Maybe playing the tuba with the band or painting sets for the school play would give you the opportunity to enjoy those straight "A's" from another perspective.

Friends will prop you up too.