Maybe it’s the summer heat, or maybe they figure that we’re all too revved up about fantasy football to concern ourselves with baseball silliness. But man, this was the dumbest week for baseball dummies in some dumb time. Here are your most flagrant offenders.
Melky Cabrera, New York Yankees There's plenty to dislike about Yankees fans: the sense of entitlement, the pink replica caps and jerseys, the stubborn refusal to admit that A-Rod is 32 times the player Derek Jeter is, etc. But one of the truly great Yankee Stadium traditions is the first-inning “roll call": fans in Section 39 chant each starter’s name, followed by a quick wave from said starter. On Tuesday night, Melky Cabrera took this tradition a bit too seriously,
responding to the fans during a play and promptly kicking the ball for an error. IDJIT.
Jim Bowden, Washington Nationals As the July 31 trade deadline approached, it seemed there would be a mere three or four legit relievers on the market: Colorado’s Brian Fuentes (zesty!), Pittsburgh’s Damaso Marte (mysterious!), Atlanta’s Will Ohman (oh-some!), and Washington’s Jon Rauch (
tall!). Bowden, who controlled the destiny of the latter, didn’t see it this way. He struck way early, sending Rauch, his top-20-reliever bona fides, and his cheapie-pants contract to Arizona for minor-leaguer Emilio Bonifacio, who ain’t especially young (23) or proficient at any one thing (he’s fast, yet has been thrown out on eight of his 25 steal attempts... in triple-friggin’-A). Why can’t we lure guys like Bowden into our big-money rotisserie leagues? Every cellar needs a dweller. MORON.
Jim Riggleman, Seattle Mariners
As we understand it, the best candidate for the “designated hitter” position is a player who can “hit.” Yet there was crusty ol’ Rigglehead the other day, noting how he’s “just kind of using [the DH spot] just to try to have some contact in that spot, and maybe be able to move some runners and hit and run and that kind of stuff, get some at-bats for some guys. It’s not a classic DH spot where we’re looking for our DH to give us 25 to 30 home runs and 100 RBIs, that’s just not what we are.” Jesus, there are species of plant fauna that might perform as well as Jose Vidro has in the DH role this season, but Riggleman still believes in the magic of batless sprites who “move some runners.” How does this guy have a job in baseball and we don’t? JACKASS.
Alexi Casilla, Minnesota Twins
The situation: men on first and second, one out. Yankees catcher Jose Molina hits a double-play ball so clean and obvious that the outfielders start heading toward the dugout. Casilla, however, has it in his head that there are two outs… and casually tags second base, not even bothering to throw to first. Did we mention that Molina runs like a one-legged deer, or that Casilla could have heeded the shouts of his teammates and completed the double play with yards to spare? No? Anyway, the next batter inevitably cleared the bases with a double and the Twins lost. FAIL.
Drayton McLane Jr., Houston Astros
If you’re 12 games back with only 60 left to play in one of the game’s two toughest divisions, your only rational move is to punt on the current season. “Rational,” however, isn’t in ‘Stros owner Drayton McLane’s playbook. Hence the Astros not only further mortgaged their future for a pitcher who should do little to help them catch up this year, but also one spectacularly unsuited to pitch in Houston’s teensy li’l ballpark: Padre evacuee Randy Wolf boasts a 6.63 ERA and a .296 BAA on the road. If the Astros contend again before 2013, it’ll be a major miracle. McLane ain’t sellin’ anytime soon, either. STUPID DUMMYHEAD STUPID STUPID STUPID.
