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Ask Amy

Talk to husband about Internet porn habit Forgiveness not only goal for abuse victim

Amy Dickinson | Ask Amy

March 7, 2009

Dear Amy: I've been married to my husband for 16 years, and we have two beautiful children. He has always been a good provider and father.

Five years ago we purchased a computer for the children to use for school.

My husband has been using the computer for his recreational use. He plays a lot of online poker for fun and looks at porn.

I have told him of my concern and dismay at his porn viewing. He told me not to worry because he would never go to a chat room or try to hook up with anyone. Lately I've found some nasty messages from women on a sex 24/7 Web cam site in our spam in-box. This wouldn't concern me, but the messages said these women have seen his contact information and are inviting him to their sites.

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Some of the messages said, "I only live six miles from you; contact me, and maybe we can hook up."

I have always trusted my husband, but this has really shaken me up. Do you call this emotional infidelity?

Am I making something out of nothing?

I'm not sure if I should talk to him about this. I dearly love my husband and treasure our life and the family we've made together.

I'm tempted to cancel our Internet connection, but that would also prevent our children from doing their research for school.

I don't want this to ruin us.

—Heartsick

Dear Heartsick: It doesn't sound as if you are making something out of nothing—it sounds as if you are making too little out of something.

Emotional infidelity is when a person becomes emotionally involved with someone else while excluding his or her partner.

From what you say, it doesn't sound as if your husband is involved with these women (the messages in your in-box might be uninvited spam brought on by his porn habit).

Even after the issue of emotional infidelity is dealt with, there is still the question of his choice to bring porn into your home.

If your husband is visiting sites with Web cams and if you have a Web cam at home, your children could be lured into using it. This is a worst-case scenario, but a possibility. Carefully monitor this situation.

If you and he have a good relationship and a treasured life together, then you should do everything you can to work this out with him so you feel respected, your children are safe and your husband's recreational needs are met in a way that doesn't affect others in the household.

Dear Amy: I have to object to what you said to "Sad Sister" regarding her pedophile brother.

You said, "The counseling you are receiving should lead you to a place where you feel reconciled with the past, if not with your brother—and forgiveness should be one goal, whether or not you choose to have a relationship with him."

Why should forgiveness be a goal? Forgiveness is completely irrelevant to healing from abuse. She can move forward in her life without the need to forgive a child molester. Furthermore, child abuse is unforgivable.