On the surface Kathy Griffin's "reality" show, My Life on the D-List, may be about the comedienne's relentless quest for A-List acclaim. However, in reality (of the real variety), Griffin's Emmy Award-winning Bravo show pokes fun at and undermines the very institution she purports... more

On the surface Kathy Griffin's "reality" show, My Life on the D-List, may be about the comedienne's relentless quest for A-List acclaim. However, in reality (of the real variety), Griffin's Emmy Award-winning Bravo show pokes fun at and undermines the very institution she purports to covet above all else: fame.

Furthermore, while other reality stars make a virtue out of their genuinely mean spirits in a desperate attempt to make the most of their fifteen minutes, Griffin delivers the wickedest lines with the kind of underlying warmth that lets all that "get it" know that no malice is intended.

It's this overwhelming sense of bonhomie that makes the show so watchable. It's also why, despite being the butt of many of her jokes, the gay community chose to honor Griffin with this years Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation Vanguard Award, which is given to those who have "increased the visibility and understanding" of the GLBT community. As Grifin says in our interview, "I'm genuinely a fan of most of the people I trash in the act." And "the gays" have no bigger fan than Griffin.

SuicideGirls caught up with Griffin by phone to get the skinny on her headline-grabbing minimal GLAAD outfit (she's the only member of the Hollywood community with the balls to accept a high-profile award in a bright blue bikini -- which revealed a hot SG photoset-ready bod). Griffin also gave us the scoop on the no-so-D-list fifth season of My Life on the D-List, which premieres June 8.

NP: Where are you right now?

KG: I'm in my house in Los Angeles, and I'm sending an email to Robert Verdi who is the gay stylist who tells me what to wear. And if he doesn't tell me what to wear, I can't function.

NP: So was he the person who told you what not to wear at the GLAAD Awards? Obviously, you spectacularly unveiled your "banging bikini bod" there...

KG: Well I think he's upset with me for that. What happened was he got me this beautiful Dolce & Gabbana dress, and these fancy Christian Louboutin heels. I did the red carpet, and then I didn't tell him that when I went out to get my award I would be in a bikini. And, of course, the Dolce & Gabbana dress got no press at all, and my bikini picture, I don't know if you know this, has won me several bikini contests in magazines.

NP: Congratulations!

KG: Yeah. I really, pretty much, have changed by career to official bikini model.

NP: I was actually going to ask you about this, because obviously SuicideGirls is a pinup site; Would you consider changing careers and going into nude modeling?

KG: I don't think it's up to me. I think my fans now have demanded it. I don't have any say in the matter anymore because my hot body has become such a commodity that I can only completely stop comedy and become a nude or semi-clad bikini model.

NP: Do you have any lines you would draw in your new career as a nude model? Would you do split beaver for example?

KG: Well you know I have a dream to actually win Beaver Hunt in Hustler Magazine, which is a contest where I believe they're looking for the most attractive beaver. I think it's important that I send them a photo -- probably a really crappy, lurid picture of me in a trailer with full spread beaver. I think I have what it takes to become a champion.

NP: Well I think it's good to have goals in life, and now you have two Emmys, you need to cast your net wider for awards. Like you need another Emmy!

KG: I absolutely need another one, and I want to put it out there in an energetic but secret, or close to a secret, way, that I want an Emmy so bad I'm happily willing to kill for one. There are a lot of studio executives that I think I could kill -- and probably get away with it.

NP: There's probably a lot of reality TV stars you could kill to clear the pitch, and you could possibly be doing the world a favor by doing so.

KG: I think we're talking about Heidi and Spencer. So what I'm pledging is that I am willing to assassinate Heidi and Spencer if it will get me my third Emmy. I think we're killing two birds with one stone.

NP: Absolutely. Everyone's better off. There is no downside to this.

KG: Although, I will say I don't know if what I just said is illegal in the way that it's illegal to threaten to kill the president. I'm not sure if I'm now on any kind of a Hills watch list but I stand by the hit that I've put out on Heidi and Spencer.

NP: A fatwa if you will.

KG: Well it's a fatwa not unlike the Salman Rushdie fatwa, and honestly, you know, let's face it, I think it's only going to get me more fans. I can't imagine, except Heidi and Spencer themselves -- and their parents -- I can't imagine one person being bothered by this.

NP: I would go out on a limb and say maybe there are moments when even Heidi's parents wouldn't mind.

KG: Yeah. Exactly. There's got to be a Montag somewhere down the pike who's going to just send me a 'thank you' note.

NP: I think you'd still get an invite to the funeral.

KG: Ok. I'm in. I'll get hair and make up and everything. I'm sure it will be a big press event.

NP: I do think you should strategize with your manger about this to get the most out of the opportunity.

KG: Yeah, I will. By my manager I assume you mean my mother. You know that I'm desperately trying to get my mom to be a momager. Like I'm trying to get her to be Dina Lohan, and she's terrible at it. She won't go to any nightclubs. She won't release any of my private journals to the press or anything. She's a terrible momager. I may fire her.

NP: Well, like Dina, she does try and outshine you in the reality show.

KG: Are you kidding? People don't even really know I'm on the show anymore. First of all, you should know my Mom calls Kathy Griffin: My Life of the D-List "her" show. She'll say, "Oh, someone came up to me and said 'Maggie, I love your show.'" I go, "Mom, are you sure you didn't hear 'your show' but they said 'your daughter's show?'" And then she kinda looks heavenward like, "Hmm! No! They said my show." So yea, it's all come full circle. I'm the sidekick of my own show.

NP: Lindsay Lohan's mom is so focused on being the star of her reality show that the management has gone by the wayside anyway, so you and Lindsay are kind of in the same position.

KG: Oh, believe me, I'm totally aware that it will get to a point where I won't be able to get my mom for my show because she will be doing her spin-off on, who knows, TV Land, WE or Oxygen. I'm sure she can write her own ticket on pay cable.

NP: How's it been going splitting the friends up. I know it's got quite savage with your mom stealing your gays.

KG: Well, yeah, she openly steals my gays -- and, by the way, they are happy to throw me under the bus to have more Maggie time. They don't understand that she is a vicious, manipulative, climber, not unlike Ryan Seacrest, and she is willing to do whatever it takes to step right over my dead body to get to the top. I'm not sure if my mom is not with Ryan Seacrest right now. Like I wouldn't put it past my mom to just befriend him and to be splitting a box of wine with him right now and talking about how horrible I am

NP: So would Ryan Seacrest be one of your gays?

KG: You know, I don't know if Ryan is one of my gays yet. We're just going to stay tuned on that one.

NP: I just wondered if you had the inside scoop.

KG: I think that we can admit that Oprah is one of my gays.

NP: Definitely. So how's it going with you and Oprah

KG: We're good. Nothing's changed. Oprah and I have a lot of weekends in Montecito. Sometimes Oprah and I have to call Michelle Obama and say, "You know what? We're having our 'me time' right now." Michelle is always trying to get in with me and Oprah, and I am going to have to talk to Michelle at some point and say, "Look! I discovered her, Michelle. You came a little too late to the party." Also, I'd like to warn Michelle, "Don't fuck with Gayle. You think I'm bad, you gotta go through Gayle to get to Oprah."

NP: I do think Michelle has gone all Single White Female on you. I mean you had the hot arms first!

KG: I had the hot arms. And, by the way, let's face it, I've got the whole package and she's got herself a nice set of arms. But, you know, she's going to have to work out a little harder if she wants to fit in my bikini.

NP: Yeah, she needs to step up her game if she has any hope of hanging out with you.

KG: And she does, a lot of hope right now with me. She's just too shy to say it.

NP: So what can we expect with the new TV show which is starting in a couple of weeks?

KG: Ahh! I am so excited. We have ratcheted things up for Season 5. First of all, it's 10 episodes starting June 8th. And this year the theme is I get celebrities to try to give me tips to help me get on the A-List. It doesn't go so well but I have; Episode one, Bette Fucking Midler; Episode 2, Lily Tomlin; Episode 3, Paula Dean; Episode 4, Paris Hilton. I mean it's action packed. I have T.I., I have Gloria Estefan, I have Katt Williams, I have Jackie Collins, I have Salman Rushdie -- it's really quite a list. Suzanne Somers, who has really more money than god...

NP: It's interesting because your life on the D-list doesn't really exist anymore because you're not on the D-list.

KG: I'd like to think that, but I appreciate that you're going to a river in Egypt with me called denial, but the truth is I literally can't go 48-hours without someone calling me Kathie Lee Gifford. I have these sort of A-list moments where I feel pretty high and mighty, as my mother would say, but then, sure enough, I'll go to the airport and they'll say, "Kathy Griffith."

Can I tell you the greatest D-list moment I had? There's this girl called Julianne Hough from Dancing With The Stars. She's the blonde woman, OK? So she's this hot, sexy dancer and I was at an event, I was sitting next to Sarah Silverman, who's an old pal, and she went up to Sarah and said, "Oh god! I love you! It's so great. You're so funny." I'm standing there the whole time like, "Umm, I have a little treat for you, Kathy Griffin is next to her." And Julianne Hough, the dancer from Dancing With The Starts, by the way, not even one of the stars but one of the dancers, turns to me and says, "I don't know who you are but it's nice to meet you," and then walked away. So, yeah, I'm on the D-list.

NP: Nah. I would say, without a doubt, you're somewhere between a C- and a B+.

KG: Oh, come on, you're just saying that.

NP: I'm so not. You're so not a D-lister anymore. I think for the next season you need to consider changing the title.

KG: Come on? The chick from Dancing With The Stars doesn't even know who I am.

NP: Yeah, but that's not a reflection on your status, that's a reflection on her dumbness and detachment from society.

KG: But what about people that come up to me and say, "I miss you on my TV." I'm on TV everyday! Come on, nobody is saying that to Winslet -- trust me! Look, believe me, I really worked my butt off this season to get help and tips and advice...

NP: But I was listening to that list, and I think you're higher up in the pecking order than some of the people that you're getting the advice from.

KG: I know. But none of them are in trouble like I'm in trouble where I'm banned from TV shows and, you know...Look, I like where you're going, it's very encouraging to me, but I'm not going to quite believe it. We'll have to see.

NP: But, if tomorrow you got the lead in the next Star Trek and were unequivocally A-list, you would still be banned from those TV shows.

KG: I know, that's why I can never be on the A-list.

NP: There's some bad boys and bad girls on the A-list.

KG: Yeah, I know. My mom always wants me to be Rita Rudner. That's her dream because Rita Rudner doesn't offend anybody. But, I don't know, I guess it would be nice to not be offensive for like a day in some upside down world. I can't get though an hour without saying "pussy." I have to say the word pussy once and hour, I just have to, I'm sorry.

By the way, here's a D-list thing, we did a an episode of the D-List about race and stand-up comedy -- like, is comedy color blind? So I went and I did a set at the world famous Apollo in Harlem, and I got kicked out of the building and ushered off the stage for swearing.

NP: Really?

KG: At the Apollo! By the way, I didn't say anything racially insensitive, because I wouldn't, but my first pussy joke I got in trouble. I got kicked out of the Apollo.

NP: I wandered why you hadn't got Wanda Sykes' gig at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. I think she was way to easy on Rush Limbaugh.

KG: Yeah, I mean really, unless you're anally raping him with a broomstick, you're being too easy on him. That would have been my opening joke.

You know what? Craig Ferguson recommended me for that. Wasn't that nice?

NP: I think we can safely say you're a shoo-in for 2010.

KG: Yeah. I'm probably going to turn it down.

NP: Well I know you have issues with Michelle Obama.

KG: With her jealousy of my body.

NP: So what other adventures do you have on the new D-List?

KG: It is honestly action packed. First of all, getting kicked out of the Apollo, you have to admit that's an accomplishment. This is the stage where Chris Rock did his last special, Richard Pryor, Redd Fox, I mean guys that are maybe even bluer than I am, and then I get kicked out -- for swearing. I didn't even get kicked out for bombing. I got kicked out for swearing, for cussing.

NP: For pussy?

KG: Well I used every swear word in the book, but I think it was "pussy" that really was the nail in my coffin. However, what I learned is comedy really is color blind, because I didn't get into trouble with anything that had to do with the fact that we were in Harlem, that it was the Apollo, I just got kicked out for the age old reason of too many pussy jokes -- too many.

NP: You're famous for having what some might call a fowl mouth, and I was chatting to Lisa Lampanelli, who's famous for being the "Queen of Mean...."

KG: I love Lisa.

NP: And she said something, and she phrased it so well, and it's something that I believe too, that you can say anything and make fun of anyone as long as the "intention is good behind it." And I get a great sense of that when I watch you on your TV show.

KG: Ahh, I could like burst into tears. You said something that I so desire and hope for, and I don't know if it's something that's understood. Thank you for saying that 'cause I try not to make a big deal out of it but, you know, my goal is always to be funny first and foremost. If someone thinks I'm mean first and foremost, I'm just like, you're not getting it. But I understand people can react and feel whatever they want but I really am honestly and truly just out there to make people laugh. If it's not getting the laughs, I'm taking the joke out, but if it's getting the laughs it might then also be perceived as mean, definitely. But the number one goal always has to be funny. I really don't just go out there and think what are the meanest things I can say, because that's just a grocery list, but if I can put a funny spin on it then I feel that's Ok.

NP: Lisa also talked about how you should "never make fun of people you don't like" (the exception to the rule bing Rush Limbaugh) and I get the underlying affection you have for the people you target with your humor. There's a duality to it.

KG: Yes. I'm genuinely a fan of most of the people I trash in the act because that's what people are; They have moments when they're good and they have moments when they're evil, and everything in between. Somebody may be an amazing artist but they might be a preposterous person. Or someone might do one thing one day that there's nothing funny about and the next day they just do something that just strikes me as funny. I just think it's always about trying to find the funny. I'm not someone who can say I'll never put this person in my act because I like them. If I like somebody they still might do something silly. Or I might not like somebody but I'm happy to give them props if they do something cool.

Paula Abdul is a great example. I like Paula Abdul, I have her records, I think she really does make that show, I wouldn't want to see the show without her, and it also appears that she is addicted to mood-altering substances. I'm trying to say that in my best legalese. If she hates me and is offended she has every right to be but the truth of the matter is I get a kick out of her. I think she's ridiculous, I think she's fun.

But I really, really try and focus on making fun of people for their behavior. I'm not so into making fun of someone for the way they look, or something that's out of their control, but when it's someone's behavior, that's funny to me. Like I just don't go around saying Kirstie Alley is fat, but what's comical to me is that she took millions of dollars from Jenny Craig -- and gained weight -- I mean that's just funny!

NP: Yeah, unless you're Jenny Craig.

KG: Yeah, exactly, and then you want your money back. But you know, I don't want Kirstie Alley to be unhealthy, I don't want her to have heart problems, but on the other hand I can't help but find it funny that she is literally a spokesperson for a diet program and gained a crap load of weight. And then trying to film those commercials for a while saying, "Have you called Jenny Yet?" To which I say, "No," I don't think she took her call."

I got to take a shower. I'm stinky. I was working out in order to maintain my bikini body for my new career as a nudist / sometime bikini model.

NP: Well you definitely have potential as a SuicideGirl.

KG: OK. Thank you.

NP: Do you have any body mods? Any tattoos?

KG: This is really embarrassing, I have one tattoo, it's half faded because I've had six laser treatments to remove it -- are you ready? It's my tattooed wedding ring and I'm divorced -- yeah! I don't have a fuckin' sunburst, I don't have a skull & crossbones, I don't have a barbed wire fence running around my arm. I have this one little, pathetic wedding ring on my ring finger. It's half faded, and it's just the bane of my existence.

NP: Well can I suggest we turn a negative into a positive?

KG: Yes.

NP: You might have lost a husband, but you could gain a new career as a Suicide Girl 'cause that tattoo means you qualify.

KG: Really??? Ok! Alright then, I won't have anymore laser treatments. By the way, they don't even work. There's been times when I just wanted to take a lit cigarette and say let's end this once and for all. But, if it gets me into the SuicideGirls posse then I'll keep it.

NP: It absolutely does. I can't wait to see the photoset.

KG: OK. Me too!


Season 5 of My Life on the D-List premieres on Bravo June 8.

(image) Fashion Note: Tank Girl is wearing a shirt designed by her pal Dion October, daughter of punk icon Soo Catwoman. Recognized by Johnny Rotten for her "skill, style, and bravery," Soo Catwoman ran wild with members of The Pistols and The Clash back when punk first rocked, and was featured... more

Fashion Note: Tank Girl is wearing a shirt designed by her pal Dion October, daughter of punk icon Soo Catwoman. Recognized by Johnny Rotten for her "skill, style, and bravery," Soo Catwoman ran wild with members of The Pistols and The Clash back when punk first rocked, and was featured in the Julian Temple-directed movie The Filth And The Fury. Official Soo Catwoman apparel is available via MySpace.

Check back each month for the next exclusive installment of the poetry, pencil and ink series TG on SG from Tank Girl and her pen pals Alan Martin and Rufus Dayglo.

Rufus will be talking Tank Girl on SuicideGirls Radio on Sunday May 31st at 10.00 pm PST (6.00 am GMT). The show will be broadcast on Indie1031.com (Click HERE to listen live). SG Radio and the lovely folks at Titan Books will also be giving away 3 sets of the new Tank Girl Remastered Edition books on the show.

Member Info: TankGirl_TGonSG / Large Image Library / More TG on SG.