[Examining Yellowbeard's treasure]
El Nebuloso:
Who is it more important to please: the King of Spain, or God?
El Segundo:
Why, God, of course.
El Nebuloso:
And who is God's personal representative in these parts?
El Segundo:
Why, you, your holy ruthlessness.
El Nebuloso:
Well, God wants to keep all of it.
Narrator:
The pirate Yellowbeard captured many other galleons, killing over five-hundred men in cold blood. He would tear the captains hearts out and swallow them whole. Often forcing his victims to eat their own lips, he was caught and imprisoned... for tax evasion.
Betty:
When little Dan was two minutes old I tattooed it on his head.
Yellowbeard:
Does he know about this?
Betty:
Oh, no no no, that's why I kept him in the cupboard for three years. That may be why he's a bit odd with all these books, and reading, and stuff like that.
Dan:
Look, if you cut my head off it'll start to putrify!
Yellowbeard:
Do what?
Dan:
Putrify, go rotten!
Yellowbeard:
Yeah, it would ooze a lot, heads do. But I could live with that.
Yellowbeard:
Betrayin's all part of piratin'. If you don't know that you're not even close to being a pirate, "Prawn of my loins", my foot!
Dan:
What?
Yellowbeard:
You're either born a pirate or not! It's in the blood Dan, and it's not in your blood or you'd have betrayed me long ago!
Dan:
Everyone will be following you and if they catch you they'll have the map.
Yellowbeard:
Bugger them! I'll eat it first. Won't be the first head I've eaten.
Betty:
It's been twenty years since we had a little cuddle, and what do you do? Come in and give me a kiss? No, you rush in and hack a hole in the wall.
Betty:
Well, it's been awhile since we had a little cuddle.
Yellowbeard:
I raped ya, if that's what you mean.
Betty:
Okay. It was half-cuddle, half-rape.
Yellowbeard:
I'm sure I killed the last one I raped, it can't have been you.
Betty:
Well, the afterplay was a bit on the rough side, but not fatal dear.
Harvey "Blind" Pew:
It sounded as though there was a bit of a squabble.
Moon:
Squabble? They're all dead!
Harvey "Blind" Pew:
Oh! Must have been more of a tiff then.
Yellowbeard:
Oh, been out raping, lad?
[sees Troila]
Yellowbeard:
Nice work lad.
Dan:
No, I haven't raped her!
Yellowbeard:
[disappointed] No, you wouldn't have you poncy little git! You're not the prawn of my loins, your mother's a bloody liar!
[grins]
Yellowbeard:
That's what I liked about her!
Yellowbeard:
Who're you talkin' about?
Betty:
The fruit of your loins, sugar drawers.
Yellowbeard:
Are you mad, woman? I haven't got fruit in my loins! Lice, yes, and proud of 'em!
Commander Clement:
Twenty years ago today you were sentenced to jail.
Yellowbeard:
Yes, and now I'm due to released.
Commander Clement:
Yes. Or rather, no. You see, twenty years ago, no one was expected to live in jail for twenty years.
Yellowbeard:
Alright, Dan, if you're my son, prove it. Kill this stupid old bugger!
Lord Lambourn:
Hold your horses...
Dan:
I can't kill him! He brought me up! Just like a father.
Yellowbeard:
Oh, you mean he's beat ya and kicked ya and smashed ya in the teeth?
Lord Lambourn:
Yes...
Dan:
No!
Lord Lambourn:
No.
Dan:
He's been kind and gentle.
Yellowbeard:
What kind of a father is that? Kill him!
Dan:
No!
Yellowbeard:
Alright, I'll do it!
Dan:
Father! We thought you were dead.
Yellowbeard:
Us Yellowbeards are never more dangerous than when we're dead. How are you gettin' on pirating?
Dan:
Um, well...
Yellowbeard:
How many men have you killed so far?
Dan:
One. Two, I think.
Yellowbeard:
You think? You'll never kill anyone if you go around thinkin'.
Yellowbeard:
Oh, bugger me, you've sodded the whole thing up like the stupid little twerp that you are. I was recreating what happened to me twenty years ago, man and boy.
Yellowbeard:
You are a Yellowbeard!
Dan:
What?
Yellowbeard:
Killin' your father as I killed my father before me.
Dan:
Dad, the blood...
Yellowbeard:
That's what I like to hear! You are my son!
Betty:
I'm talking about the fruit of your loins.
Yellowbeard:
Fruit of me loins? I haven't got fruit in me loins! Lice, yes, and proud of 'em, but no fruit!
[Betty throws a book Dan had been reading on the floor]
Betty:
Read, read, read, read! Let me tell you something - last time I read a book, I was raped. Let THAT be a lesson to you.
Flower Girl:
[to Dan] Will you give me two farthings for a lump of shit?
Dan:
[kneels down so he's at her level] What?
Flower Girl:
Will you give me two farthings for a lump of shit?
Dan:
No.
[she smacks him in the face with the ordure and walks away]
Dr. Gilpin:
[coming up] Society is to blame.