Tuesday, October 01, 2002

By BARBARA WILLIAMS

Big sister Traci Riso with baby sister Andrea. Traci, now grown, remembers needing the approval of her parents when she was growing up.

Britta Hampel wasn’t allowed to have sleepovers until she was 10 years old. Her sister, Rachel, had them when she was about 7 or 8. And now, Alexa, 7, has been enjoying friends spending the night for over a year.

“My younger sisters get to do things way before I did,” Britta Hampel, 14, said. “They have it so much easier.”

The Ringwood teenager gave voice to the feelings of many firstborns – lamenting the injustice of having to break in parents so younger siblings can smoothly pass through a myriad of activities and experiences at a younger age. From battling for later bedtimes and more junk food, to getting permission to spend more time with friends, firstborns have a serious amount of work negotiating with parents.

But child experts say that perks also accompany all this responsibility – one in particular – undivided attention from mom and dad until sibling number two comes along. Firstborns are the children parents practice on, but in turn, parents also have the time and energy to focus on every one of the child’s needs.

Undivided attention

“The firstborn child basks in her parents’ undivided love and attention for a period of time and often benefits emotionally and intellectually from this experience,” said Meri Wallace in her book, ‘Birth Order Blues.’

“However, she also faces some difficult emotional challenges. Her inexperienced, anxious parents often have very high expectations of her, and she can end up feeling very pressured to succeed,” Wallace says.

Every move a firstborn makes is photographed, written down, or immortalized in some way. The first time the baby smiles, rolls over, gets a tooth, eats solid food, takes her first step, utters her first word, ties her shoe – well, there isn’t much that goes unnoticed with the first born. That pressure tends to stick throughout her life, causing many people occupying the number one slot in the birth order to have the same characteristics.

Although many other factors affect a developing child and her personality, many firstborns are usually serious, organized, highly motivated, and achievers. They are also rule-oriented, and logical.

In the book, ‘The New Birth Order Book’, Dr. Kevin Leman said 23 out of 41 U.S. presidents are firstborns or functional firstborns (the age gap between children is so large that the newborn takes on the traits of the first born). He also states that out of the first 23 American astronauts sent into outer space, 21 were firstborns, and the other two were only children.

Mary Lou Riso, a Wood-Ridge mother of two grown children, watched her oldest daughter, Traci, excel in school quite easily while adhering to the rules, effortlessly gaining the admiration of her teachers.

“The teachers always compared my second daughter, Andrea, to Traci because Traci was such an excellent student,” Riso said. “But it came so naturally to her, she was a serious student and did what she was told.”

Traci admits school came easily to her, by nature she enjoyed reading and learning. But she also confessed to needing attention while growing up, and envied Andrea, who enjoyed activities without needing an audience.

“I was so used to having my mother and father watching over me, that I wouldn’t do anything unless they were there,” Traci said. “When Andrea wanted to ride a bike, she just got on and rode – she didn’t need people to see her do it.

“To this day, Andrea is so much more outgoing, and will try anything,” Traci said. “I wish now that I could have been more like her when I was younger, and then maybe doing things on my own now wouldn’t seem so overwhelming.”

High expectations

With all the attention showered on the firstborn, he wants desperately to live up to other’s expectations. Having only Daddy and Mommy to emulate, he strives to do everything as well as they can.

But parents can help ease the pressure a first born child feels. Experts recommend that parents refrain from correcting or fixing chores the child has done. Sounds easy, but how many parents tell a child he did a good job making his bed while straightening out the wrinkles?

“Accept the slightly wrinkled bed, the not-quite-cleaned-up room, whatever your child has done,” Leman says. “When you do it over, you only send a message that your child is not measuring up.”

Also vitally important to a firstborn child is that she sees her parents’ mistakes, and their not-so-successful attempts at different projects. This will show her that parents are not perfect, that no one is perfect, and mistakes are not the end of the world.

“I certainly learned from my mistakes with Traci,” Riso said. “I was so strict with Traci – I wouldn’t let her go down the shore after the prom – things like that.

“Now I see I could have let Traci do a lot more, and I tell her that,” Riso said. “I’m not perfect, but I did the best I knew how, and Traci knows if I had it to do over, I would do some things differently.”

Sharing the spotlight

Of course, once a new baby comes along, the parents’ attention must now be divided. It is only natural to expect more from the firstborn, since she is no longer the “baby.” But, again, those high expectations are taken on by the child herself many times, and she may show the pressure she is feeling in a variety of ways.

“She experiences tremendous feelings of loss as she gives up her crib and must share her parents’ love for the first time when her younger sibling is born,” Wallace says. “She may be resentful because she is generally expected to behave better and to do more.”

Again, experts say to minimize the jealousy between siblings, include the firstborn in problem solving as well as small tasks having to do with the baby. They suggest asking the older child which jar of baby food to feed the baby, or whether the child feels the baby is old enough to play with a certain toy.

Britta’s mother, Augusta, realized immediately after having Rachel and then Alexa that she relied more on Britta than before. Britta performed such tasks as helping feed the younger girls, watching over them while mom showered, and walked Alexa to her summer activities.

“I thought it was fun when both Rachel and Alexa were born, and I got to help mom do things with them,” Britta said. “Now I still don’t mind watching them, unless I have something to do at the same time – then it gets a little annoying.”

Experts say to offset the responsibilities, be sure to dole out privileges for the oldest child. And, as with children on any rung of the birth order ladder, make each one feel special. Compliment her strengths, help her find her passion, never compare children, and see each child for the unique gift she is.

Barbara Williams of Ringwood is a writer and mother of two.

Related reading

The New Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are by Dr. Kevin Leman.

The Birth Order Blues: How Parents Can Help Their Children Meet Challenges of Birth Order. By Meri Wallace.

Parent tips for oldest children

*Don’t redo or fix things your child has done – such as straightening the wrinkles in a bed she just made.

*Be satisfied with a less than perfect job – your child can not do things as well as you can.

*Let your child see your mistakes – he needs to learn no one is perfect, and not being perfect is not the end of the world.

*Don’t keep piling on responsibilities for the oldest child. Be sure to include younger siblings in chores.

*Give your oldest child special privileges to accompany any added responsibility.

*When a new baby comes along, include your oldest in making decisions that affect the baby; such as what to feed the younger child or if a game is appropriate for the little one.

*Don’t make your oldest child the automatic babysitter for younger siblings.

*As with all children, notice and acknowledge the special qualities in your child, and don’t compare her to siblings.

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