Pro Photographers are Wimps Because:
Camera-Guy Syndrome (CGS) is typified by a variety of symptoms, including:
-- compulsive shopping for equipment beyond any need grounded in artistic
principles or possibility of gainful income;
-- obsessive formation of irrational critical standards for one's
photographs, with the unconscious intention of creating a "need" for this
or that new piece of equipment on the basis of a (delusionally) perceived
lack in the capacities of one's present equipment;
-- anxiety and hostility grounded in the possibility or actuality that
another Camera-Guy has more expensive equipment, a larger quantity of
equipment, equipment not duplicated in the victim's own equipment, or
equipment of mroe recent manufacture;
-- brand-fetishism and compulsive consumption of multiple brands of
equipment grounded in an inability to resolve lingering doubts about the
possibility of systematic differences in image quality between them
(Contax-Leica psychosis);
-- public display of any camera with a long, thick, conspicuous lens.
CGS can strike at any age, but often its occurence is coincident with or
immediately subsequent to significant hair loss, loss of sexual function
or drive, and the general decline in sexiness associated with middle age.
It is an escalating and terminal condition.
It has no known treatment other than financial hardship, though I know of
one case of cold-turkey cure: my best friend's mother divorced his
father, and although she isn't a photographer, she is a lawyer, and
managed to get all of his dad's cameras and big long lenses in the
settlement, and locked them in a closet. She also got custody of his
little basset hound and immediately had it castrated. He gave up
photography and pets and married a woman half his age, and they all lived
happily ever after.
www.umich.edu/~swdavis
Austin Franklin wrote:
> "Camera-Guy Syndrome"? If you don't actually have it, don't worry about > it: > > [Austin] I've never heard of CGS in my 25 years as a photographer. I do > notice guys who have EXCESSIVE (usually 35mm w/ long ZOOM lenses) equipment > around their neck...wear 'photographers' vests....and carry, what appears > to be, a camera bag.... I just think they're geeks...and I get a good > chuckle watching them 'maneuver' around both with the gear and 'trying' to > use the gear... (sorry to offend anyone out there who fits this > description). Is this CGS? > > I am VERY discreet in how I carry my gear. Either it is in ONE LiteWare MF > case...or I have ONE camera held in my hand (NO strap unless I am in rough > terrain). I never carry a tripod...I only use them in the studio. > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ed. note: from Rollei Mailing List; Mr. Bob Shell is the publisher of
Shutterbug, the #3 top selling photo publication in the USA...]
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 1999
From: Bob Shell bob@bobshell.com
Subject: [Rollei] OT: Microsoft and cameras
To bring this discussion back into the realm of photography, let's
imagine for a moment that Microsoft made cameras. Every year or
two they would introduce new cameras and they would not accept the
same film, lenses, filters, flash units, tripods, batteries, etc.
as the previous version, and could not be modified to do so.
They would come with a five day warranty and a customer service
whose phone was always busy and which ignored e-mail and regular
mail letters. If you ever did reach a human you would be told
that the problem was obviously your fault.
Periodically, just when you were ready to take a once-in-a-lifetime
photograph the camera would freeze up and refuse to work.
Periodically the company would come out with upgrades, but when you
got them you would find that the instructions were incomplete or
wrong and the parts would not fit anyway.
Cameras would be manufactured identical to first prototypes with no
testing or debugging so that the company could have its customers
do its work for it.
Would there be any professional photographers under such a scenario?
I doubt it.
Bob
....
[Editor's Note: Too funny not to share, re: beating topics to death on
Newsgroups...]
From Leica User Group
Date: Thu, 02 Dec 1999
From: Eric Welch ewelch@neteze.com
Subject: [Leica] Beating Dead horses
Since beating dead horses is such a sport here (and I'm as guilty as the
next) I thought this would be a nice reminder of just how ridiculous it can
get. And to get it on topic, just remember that using Leicas is akin to
beating the dead MF vs. AF, AE vs ME horses.
Apologies to any offended by an off topic post that doesn't refer to scotch
or underwear.
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one
generation to the next, says that when you discover you are
riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment
factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies
have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Threatening the horse with termination. 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse. 8. Creating a training session to increase the rider's load share. 9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired. 10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead." 11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse. 12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed. 13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost. 14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance. 15. Do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity. 16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster. 17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better. 18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses. 19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses. 20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Eric Welch
Carlsbad, CA
http://www.neteze.com/ewelch
Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness (or, It's hard to tell if
someone is inconspicuous).
From Nikon Mailing List:
Date: Sat, 05 Feb 2000
From: Alexander mediadyne@hol.gr
Subject: [NIKON] Murphy's law of photography...
Murphy's Laws of photography
1. You are not Ansel Adams.
2. Neither are you Herb Ritz.
3. Automatic Cameras---Aren't.
4. Auto Focus---won't
5. If you can't remember, you left the film at home.
6. No photo assignment remains unchanged after the first day of shooting.
7. When in doubt, motor out.
8. If a photo shoot goes too smoothly, then the lab will lose the film.
9. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
10. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the Client
is
watching.
11. The most critical roll of film is fogged.
12. If you forgot, then you did not rewind the film.
13. Photo Assistants are essential, they give photographers someone to
yell at.
14. The one item (batteries, film, and ect.) you need is always in short
supply.
15. Interchangeable parts aren't.
16. Long life batteries only last for a couple of rolls.
17. Weather never coperates.
18. Everything always works in your home, everything always fails on
location.
19. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
20. The newest and least experienced photographer will usually win the
Pulitizer.
21. Every instruction given to a lab, which can be misunderstood, will be.
22. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
23. Never tell the Photo Editor you have nothing to do.
24. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't
25. No photojournalist is well dressed.
26. No well dressed photographer is a photojournalist.
27. Professional photographers are predictable; the world is full of
dangerous amateurs.
28. The nature shots invariably happen on two occasions:
- -when anmals are ready.
- -when you're not.
29. Same rule just substitute childern.
30. Client Intelligence is a contradiction.
31. There is no such thing as a perfect shoot.
32. The important things are always simple.
33. The simple things are always hard.
34. Flashes will fail as soon as you need them.
35. A clean (and dry) camera is a magnet for dust, mud and moister.
36. Photo experience is something you never get until just after you need
it.
37. The self-importance of a client is inversely proportional to his
position
in
the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
38. All or any of the above combined.
- --
Warm Regards,
Alexander
Date: Wed, 25 Aug 1999
From: derek_ayr@my-deja.com
Newsgroups: rec.photo.misc
Subject: Re: Pro Photographers are WIMPS because: (humor)
rmonagha@smu.edu (Robert Monaghan) wrote:
You have got me so mad with this drivel.....I would never, ever, ever
carry an APS camera, even for a bet. And as for the other comments....
Don't rush me, there must be at least one other that does not apply.....
derek_ayr,
From Rollei Mailing List;
Yep, it does seem that the industry has lost its sense of
humor. It has been a long time since I saw a joke or send up
at a trade show. The last one I remember was Hasselblad's
joke at photokina three or four shows back. They had a
camera on a tripod and a mini-studio set with a very attractive
young model. On the back of the camera was a black box linked
by a thick cable to a machine looking like an office copier.
The photographer would snap the shutter and a perfectly gorgeous
8 X 10 photo would spit out of the machine immediately. In
actual fact the machine WAS as office copier which they had
preloaded with photos made by a top commercial lab and taken
days earlier. That one was fun!
Before that, long before that, was Nikon's voice controlled
camera. They had an F2 with motor set up in a display and
the salesman would say "take a picture" and the camera would
fire. He would say "take two pictures" and it would fire
twice, and so on. It was actually hooked to a remote cable
with a push button hidden under the carpet and the salesman
operated it with his foot! Of course the camera was programmed
to only respond to his voice.
Bob
From Rollei Mailing List:
And then there was the Zeiss Ikon "Super-Q-Gigantar" story, recited in
the Zeiss Compendium (Barringer and [ahem!] Small), wherein Z-I's PR man
took a dusted-off-the-shelf condenser lens and cobbled it into a
"40mm/f.033" Contarex-mount and showed it at the '66 Photokina. The lens
was so large (125mm diam.) that he bored a hole through it so the
'bullseye' meter could see the scene (literally TTL). It did make an
image of sorts. The "Q" stood for 'quatsch' - 'nonsense' auf deutsch.
Stan Yoder
Pittsburgh
From Rollei Mailing List:
Lots of people who have been in the photo industry for a long
time have pointed out that it just isn't fun any more. Part of
the problem is small companies owned by photographers have all
been bought up by large ones owned by bankers. These new corporate
bosses are largely humorless, as I have discovered in talking
with them. I used to use humor as an ice breaker and a means
of keeping the conversation going, but it doesn't work at all
with these guys.
Bob
[Ed. note: Mr. Brick is a noted photo expert (electronics..) and frequent
contributor to the Leica Mailing List...)
Back by popular demand.
"Zone system, for roll film, in a nutshell:"
by Jim Brick
There are four zones.
Zone Good, Zone Bad, Zone Ugly, Zone Butt Ugly.
To use the system:
Wake up. Get out of bed. Go outside.
Zone good:
Zone bad:
Zone ugly:
Zone butt ugly:
...But if you are a die-hard...
From Leica Mailing List:
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his
photographs on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the
owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered
if
it would appreciate in value after your death."
"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your photographs."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."
From Nikon Mailing List:
Edwin Leong wrote:
Dr Owl can help you here, Edwin. The description of your
condition contained in your latest post makes it clear that
you are suffering from buildqualititis.
This wretched condition afflicts many people on the Nikon
mailing list. It cannot be cured, and can be treated only
by using "camera robusta", of which Nikon is one of the main
suppliers. Common symptoms include
o A feeling of horror when inspecting modern inexpensive
SLR cameras.
o Corrupted vocabulary: sufferers often use nonexistent
words like "plasticky".
o Fainting when a shop assistant says "Well, with Nikon
you're just paying for the name -- all cameras are the
same nowadays."
o A squirrel-like burying behaviour, whereby equipment
receipts are buried where one's spouse cannot find them.
o An irrational refusal to accept that camera plastics are
so strong that the Royal Navy uses them instead of steel
for its warships.
Group therapy, in which sufferers gather together in cyberspace
to discuss how to pronounce "Nikon", helps a lot. Accordingly
some helpless sufferers have organized this list:
+ Alexander for example, suffers from a closely related
complaint, softlensophobia. In his case I'm afraid, he
has the secondary complication, Zeiss fever.
+ Mel G (a little known member of the Spice Girls) has
recently been successfully treated with F5 medication.
However, since he is a lawyer, one has to be sure that
the case is well constructed as well.
Your situation is not as advanced as these, but your recent
obsessive compulsive studying of slides on a light table
(popularly known as "going loupy") indicates that you are
in danger of catching Leica syndrome or even Hasselblad
disorder. Prompt action is necessary: your F100 medication,
excellent in its way, is not enough.
Doubling your dose, as recommended by the Great Manhattan
Eccentric, is a first-rate solution. The only problem with
it seems to be that you cannot then treat your softlensophobia
at the same time. The same problem holds with F5 medication.
An alternative therapy, used in my case, is F3 treatment. This
is a very strong (and rather expensive) treatment, but I have
found that one can use medication which someone else has used
first. I also suffer from Heidecke's disease, though, so I
too may need to increase my dose.
F3 and F5 treatments are the strongest medicines currently
available from Nikon, and I doubt whether any treatment
weaker than your present F100 will do. But there is a camera
robusta, as strong as F100 medication, that will allow you to
treat your softlensophobia as well.
That's the Femtoo. The GME himself recommends this to some
sufferers, and indeed takes it himself, though his affliction
is such that he needs a triple dose. You could buy a Femtoo,
and AF-S treatment for your SLP, without risking an attack of
buildqualititis. The only cost would be the need to go cold
turkey on your battery dependency.
In the future, I fear you will need to save up for F5 treat-
ment. If that happens you should keep up the Femtoo. It is,
I'm afraid, addictive: most sufferers say they can handle it,
and could stop if they wanted, but what would they use when
they next go on holiday to Greenland?
Your fellow sufferer,
Owl
- -------------------------------
From Nikon Mailing List:
Doctor Owl, you mean to tell me I'm NOT the only sufferer of *Nikon
Receiptal Squirrelitus*, aka the NRS Syndrome, where one promptly and
obessively hides away receipts after each and every new Nikon purchase to
mitigate against feelings of guilt towards one's spousal unit ?
However, after 2 years of suffering initial symptoms, I fear I may now be
exhibiting Type II, or advanced, NRS symptoms, such as:
1) I also HIDE my all Nikon equipment to minimize accidental revelation of
a "new" and "unfamiliar-looking" piece of equipment my wife may detect;
2) When asked why I'm looking for yet another lens, I instinctively reply:
"I don't have this focal length covered".
3) Each time I'm asked, again, what's the model name of my Nikon cameras,
I'll rotate between the names of the models I already have: "F90X", "FE2"
and the ones I plan to get: "F4s", "F100", "F5". This effectively creates
a veil of uncertainty, from under which my wife is never 100% sure just
which camera(s) I have. Should she start to suspect foul play, I'll make
small self-adhesive "F90X" and "FE2" labels so that every one of my
current and future camera bodies will display the same name, thus she will
not notice any new cameras I purchase.
4) I have contemplated applying the same strategy for my lenses too.
Dr. Owl, my family physician has given up trying to find a plausible cure
for my ailment. Are Type I and Type II NRS common and possibly even
contagious ? Is there risk of contracting NRS over the internet, via
sharing
common listserve channels ? What, if any, treatment would you prescribe ?
Will I live out a long and normal life ?
Kenneth Kuo, NRS patient
From the Leica Mailing List:
- ----------
From: Larry Kopitnik kopitnil@marketingcomm.com
I've received some e-mails asking me to repost the following, first sent
last Christmas season. I've replaced a few names of folks not currently
participating in the LUG with others who are, and have added a couple of
lines referencing (what I found to be, anyway) one of this year's silliest
discussions. Otherwise, it is the same.
Best holiday wishes to all. And especially to Brian Reid for providing
this
wonderful forum.
To everyone on this terrific list: May all of your holiday wishes come
true.
Larry
From Rollei Mailing List:
We've mentioned famous people using Rolleiflex cameras. Snow white, later
of note for living with 7 dwarf, biting into an apple, falling asleep and
being awakened by Prince Charming, and living happily ever after (for the
benefit of those not familiar with the story) also used a Rollei (Marc, do
you want the serial number?).
She had finished a roll of VPS III and had some superb candid shots of the
7 dwarfs. She took the film in for processing. The clerk told her to
come
back in a week and the photos would be ready for her.
After a week, Snow White went back to the shop to pick up her photos. The
Clerk was apologetic and told her that the photos had not come back yet.
Snow White was extremely upset, so in order to calm her, the clerk told
her...."Don't worry, Snow White, Your Prints will come."
bob.
From: Old Biker enfield@3n.net
Photog for a major news service was assigned to get pic's of one of the
big forest fires but could not due to smoke at ground level. Solution:
call his agency and have them rent him a plane. "It'll be waiting at the
runway" they replied and, to his surprise, there it was. Piling in with
his gear he told the pilot to take off then, when they were well
airborne, ordered him to circle the fire. "Why" asked the pilot.
Exasperated by a hard day the photog replied "So I can take pictures, of
course! I'm a photographer! What else are we up here for?!!" There was
a long pause, then the pilot said "Oh, I thot you were my new instructor
..."
From Rollei Mailing List:
Why am I taking the time to write this?
There once was a Rolleiflex user,
R.L. Demsey
From Leica Mailing List:
That woman with two large Noctuli,
On to Leicas she put them, but why?
To photograph the men,
Who were living in sin,
Caressing those Leicas, leaving their wives home to cry.
Jim
From Leica Mailing List:
A lady from Solms was a spy,
Under her blouse, had two large Noctuli,
The streets she would roam,
The men they would moan,
But if they touched her equipment they would die!
Jim
From Leica Mailing List:
There once was a girl named Clariss,
Who played with her boyfriends M6,
His Noctilux in her hand,
He said "oh my, now ain't that grand,"
'till she said "sorry, it hit the bricks."
Jim
From Leica Mailing List:
Oh, Jim- that's a nice try!
....
From Leica Mailing List:
Tell me it isn't true!
...
From Leica Mailing List:
A good one, indeed, my friend!
...
Any comments you think could be incorporated into making this a
comprehensive guide would be welcome. I've already noticed it does not
mention firearms training: essential in any bear-bones guide.
by Plai Giar-Ised
First then the equipment. I will cover a typical set for the Canon user:
no reason at all you can't go for N*k*n if you prefer. Forget other
mokes: they don't have the right street cred. A couple of EOS1v camera
bodies and one older EOS 1n RS for any panning flight shots. For lenses
as a minimum consider, a full frame fisheye, either an 18 or 20 mm, a 24mm
prime. Zooms do not focus close enough for those "frame-filling-flower and
mountains" style shots. For normal close ups take a 100 mm macro plus
extension tubes, a 180mm macro and a 70-200 f2.8 zoom. Add to that your
main workhorse, the 300mm F2.8 IS. For smaller wild birds and the less
approachable mammalian subjects you will certainly need the 600mm F4 IS
too. Add to that at least three EX550 flashguns to allow you remote
operation. Take plenty of batteries as you won't be able to rely on being
able to charge them on location.
Don't forget the rolls of camo-tape to disguise your lenses. Actually, it
is largely irrelevant to the animals but you don't want the hyenas
laughing too much at all your shiny, straight-out-of-the-box
I'm-a-wannabe-pro gear. If you want to be taken seriously by other
wildlife pros then you need some deep gouges on the outside of your lenses
and plenty of ingrained mud. Some salt spray on the front element can
help too: gives you that travelled look.
And some robust travelling cases for this lot. Let's assume you have the
camouflaged combat gear already. One change of clothes should do: the one
you wear and one set to change in to so they will let you on the flight
home.
Remember, no self-respecting wildlife photographer - - - - - shows any
sign of self respect. The only thing you won't need to pack is a change of
clothes and certainly no soap. Wild critters can be incredibly good at
detecting perfumed body spray so don't even think about it. Also, most
carnivores like fresh meat so smelling like you have been dead a month it
should afford you some protection from the big cats. As an added
protection: eau-de-sewer-rat makes you far less likely to attract a swarm
of clicking tourists wanting to look over your shoulder: at least they
won't stay long.
Next you need to book some safaris and professional guides to get you to
the right spots. Alaska, Africa, Australia, USA, Galapagos, Maldives,
Scotland, Hawaii (for turtles). Antarctica, California and the S America
and Patagonia might not go amiss.
If you really want to get close in Africa, one of the cheapest way's is to
do it cross border with a local "hunting" party. For a relatively small
donation they will take you along and get you real close to Elephant and
Rhino. As an added bonus they might even prop the animals up for you in
some unimaginably realistic poses after they have finished: shot as
silhouette against the sun rise NO ONE would realise those humping rhinos
were dead! A word of warning: if captured by rangers claim you have been
kidnapped. It goes without saying that you should not take any shots of
yourself and your "guides" sharing a beer.
Don't worry too much about learning about animal behaviour or field
identification: that is why you pay the wildlife guide. Make sure you
get him to sign a secrecy agreement too, so he will not be able to spoil
the party by pointing out later that it was he found the animals, set up
the hide, erected the tripod, framed the shot and pressed the shutter etc
while you were in the tent recovering from a bout of diarrhoea.
Remember "if the shot is worth taking, its also
worth faking". If
you
don't some other cheating git will: you owe it to yourself to get in there
first. But there are no short cuts. In order to pull off a successful
fake you still have to build up a reputation: a visible trail. Even if
you didn't actually photograph that lemur in the wild, you have to be seen
to have spent documented hours in the wild to give your shot credibility.
And whether you make it or fake it, you still need to be seen to own all
the gear anyway.
So, if you can't find any wildlife when you get there make sure you take
plenty of scenery shots: hundreds, of the places where you expected to
find it. You may need to get some zoo critters pasted in later. Don't
forget a portable PC plus satellite link so you can stay in contact with
this group just in case you need to ask any technical questions. You might
not think so now but do you know how to change a film? Do you know where
the off-on switch is? Do you know what a polariser is for? Do you need
model releases for zoo animals?
Take a minimum of 300 rolls of Velvia with you per week on each trip, or
maybe some Provia 100F or Ektachrome E100S if you don't want to uprate the
Velvia for if it is overcast. Don't bother with any "non-pro" film. OK,
it's just as good but picture editors are a snobby lot. Also, take plenty
of spare batteries for the cameras: at least one per two rolls of film if
using the big IS lenses.
Shoot as many frames as you can, don't worry about art too much, just
clear graphic crisp shots showing the whole animal or preferably some
behaviour. Edit the shots at home and have all the best stuff duped on to
70mm stock by the best place you can find. Make 20 dupes of each stop, ask
around, good duping does exist.
Shoot as many frames as you can, don't worry about art too much, just
clear graphic crisp shots showing the whole animal or preferably some
behaviour. Edit the shots at home and have all the best stuff duped on to
70mm stock by the best place you can find. Make 20 dupes of each stop, ask
around, good duping does exist.
Send a selection of 500 pictures, and two dupes of each to 10 Photo
Libraries in Japan, Australia, USA, Germany, France, UK etc. Next buy a
tent and live on rice and beans in your tent somewhere warm and cheap for
the next two years. After that time you will, from your agency income, be
able to live in your tent and eat rice and meat, and so be making a living
from Wildlife Photography - the true test of a professional Nature
Photographer. On the other hand, you could just invest the money you would
have spent on cameras, film and travelling and live on the interest in a
comfortable house!!
rec.photo.misc
Bad Press, a novel by Rob Hadley is now available online at
http://www.geocities.com/vanbc2000. The book tells the story of a
photographer working in the extraordinary world of the London
media. It's detail is authentic and loosely drawn from my own ten
years of experience at the sharp end of the print media. Fortunately
I never got in the jams this poor blundering buffon finds himself in!
Bad Press is a hillarious thrill-a-minute, high-tech action story with
plot twists that will not disappoint. Follow the action from the
streets of London to a green protest on the high seas to the bedroom
of a seductive knife-wielding corporate lawyer. It's all in a day's
work for press photographer Steve Sinclair.
You can get more details here:
http://www.geocities.com/vanbc2000/
Rob H
Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2000
The trouble with the vacuum backs is that the vacuum sucks in a lot of
photons too. I saw a Contax made neg, and the middle was almost clear.
I had a friend in Arkansas who actually developed a roll made from said
back, and when he put it in the enlarger, it formed what the police later
called a sort of black hole. First it ate his easel, then the table,
which crashed to the ground, and was sucked up too. Seeing the commotion
(and instead of turning on the lights in the darkroom, which is what
Contax recommends in its warnings), he approached the scene too closely
and ... . Well, he has never been seen since.
Just my $.02, and a word of warning).
Paolo
From Nikon MF Mailing List:
--- In NikonMF@egroups.com, Alex Hurst corkflor@i... wrote:
A fair question, Alex!
You might be a collector if:
* Your equipment is 'too pretty' to use.
* You worry that using your equipment will lower its value.
* You take more photos *of* your equipment than you do of the world
/ people around you.
* You have ever bought an *empty box* off of ebay!
* You buy something that 'you wish you could have bought 20 years
ago, but now you can afford it' even though you have no real use for
it now.
You might be a user if:
* You have an old Nikon in the glove compartment of your vehicle.
* You take some perverse 'pride' in the advanced state of wear
(brassing) of your equipment.
* You have ever driven a tent peg with a piece of camera gear.
* You're still using a camera / lens that you've owned for 20 years
or more.
You might be a bargain hunter if:
* You stop reading ads that say 'EXC' or 'Minty'.
* You actually know what 'Q', 'P', 'H', 'S' (etc.) mean when
engraved on a lens.
* You've ever done your own AI modifications.
* You find that you have to buy two or more cameras / lenses at a time so
you can qualify for free shipping (i.e., spend more than $100) at KEH.
* You're somehow 'impressed' with how fine an image a 'cheap'
component can make.
My random observations, Your Mileage May Vary (YMMV). I suspect many
of us have tendencies in more than one area above.
Happy shooting.
From The Leica Mailing List:
Advice To Live By.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is, stop diggin'.
Jim
From Contax Mailing List:
ROFLMAO Oon!! That is a true classic and goes into my "save" file. I
hope the guys from Contax are monitoring the list right now, since they
will all fall out of their chairs laughing when they read this.
Bob
Date: Thu, 21 Dec 2000
Very nice poem!
From: NikonGuy greg@on.aibn.com
10) Zeiss lenses
and the top reason not to own a Leica is:
1) Canadians claim they made the best versions.
From Contax Mailing List:
I don't usally cross pollenate meesages to mailing lists, but this was too
funny not to share. Came from the Leica list.
Don
3Captain Picard! Long range sensors pick up signs of an unknown
lifeform.y
3Bring us into orbit, Mr LaForgey
3Data, can you identify this lifeform?y
3It is a Borg-like collective, Sir. They are in constant mental contact
with each other and they share all their thoughts and emotions. They call
themselves Luggers.y
3Luddites, you mean, Mr Data?y
3Incorrect, Sir, They are Luggers!y
3What are they doing? Can they de dangerous?y
3I am not sure, but they seem to babble, Sir!y
3Babble Mr. Data?y
3Yes Sir, they are communicating through a primitive technology about a
large number of unrelated topics, that seem to repeat every 8 months, 3
days, 6 hours and 13 seconds. They are a very closed society and do not
assimilate knowledge from other cultures. In fact they refuse to accept
new knowledge and seem to internally generate their own concepts which
they presumably value highly.y
3You mean Mr Data that we are dealing with a non-learning culture?y
3Effectively, yes Sir. The repetitious nature of their conversation does
indicate an unwillingness to expand their knowledge and experience.y
3Can you identify a leader with whom we may discuss their situation. They
may be in danger when they encounter the Borg.y
3No Sir, the Borg will only assimilate a culture when they can add to
their own knowledge. This culture does not offer the Borg anything they
might need. There is no leader, either, Sir. Some individuals are more
expressive and express themselves more often, but they seem not to be
valued any higher than the others.y
3In fact a very democratic or even anarchical type of society. Can they
evolve?y
3 Hardly Sir, they lack the necessary tools and infrastructure to become a
mature society. Nothing indicates they would prefer that.y
3Data, can you identify a pattern in their doings?y
3Difficult to say, Sir. On the one hand they talk at length about weapon
systems, idicating a violent nature, but on the other hand they indulge
themselves in obsolete topics, that have lost meaning in our age.y
3Example, Mr Data?y
3At this very moment they communicate about a topic called 3DOFy, that is
part of applied geometrical optics, which has no meaning to us anymore, as
we use fotons as the base for our imaging systems, and we are in particle
and electron optics. There is no consensus however, as they lack a common
base of scientific knowledge and the structure of their debate is
reminiscent of a fairy tale: full of surprising twists, but without any
regard for facts. Based on my predictions, they will close the topic soon
and start it again in 11 months, 12 days, 9 hours and 15 seconds with an
error margin of 0.03 percent.y
3Well Mr Data, will they survive?y
3Positive, Sir, They have effective cloaking devices and shielded
themselves
from outside sources by some peculiar human habitsy.
3Yes Mr Data, I am familiar with these. So let us leave this sector. Mr
LaForge, warp 6.y
3Red alert, red alert, the Luggers have infected our computer systems!
We cannot leave. Abandon ship!y
Erwin
rec.photo.equipment.35mm
10. Because you spend more time and energy fighting "brand wars" than you do taking pictures.
9. Because you think a given piece of equipment can make you a better photographer.
8. Because you think a camera, any camera, can make photographic decisions for you.
7. Because you know everything there is to know about the specs and
history of your brand but know nothing about film, exposure, and metering.
6. Because you think equipment is more important than technique.
5. Because you own a $2,000 body, $15,000 worth of lenses and a $50
tripod.
4. Because you'd rather spend your extra cash on the newest body rather
than a trip to a good location.
3. Because you care what people think of your equipment more than you
care what they think about your photos.
2. Because you think automation can replace creativity.
And the #1 reason why you should not use a camera:
1. Because your equipment is so expensive you're afraid to take it out of
the house.
-G
From Rollei Mailing List;
....
Actually there is a Chinese SLR camera called Peafowl. You don't have
to wonder why it didn't sell well in English-speaking countries, do you?
Bob
From: contaxman@aol.comnospam (Lewis Lang)
10 top reasons "Why I own Napkins - NOT Leicas, Nikons, Pentaxes, or any
other camera":
10.No megabucks upgrades necessary when a bigger megapixels napkin becomes
available.
9. No pro vs. non pro model napkins.
8. No golf or dog poop pictures can be taken with it, but all can be
cleaned up with them.
7. No Annika posts about number eight or the "fabulous Napkin1v" or the
f/28 napkin because he/she/it doesn't own one... yet (and becuase Canon
hasn't claimed its their top of the line camera yet).
6. All napkins are equally compatable and will retro fit with all camera
bodies without loss of functions - Nikon's N80 napkin is especially
lacking in this respect and is only compatable with AF and VR napkins.
5. They are built better and more durable than most Sigma lenses.
4. They are not reverse engineered so they don't need to be re-chipped
everytime a new camera model comes around in order to maintain full
functionality (see name of manufacturer above).
3. They're better built than a Rebel 2000 but "cheaper" than all other
Canons and they don't have a command dial that is pre-engineered to
break(dance).
2. Wireless highspeed flash will work with any brand of mustard (or
ketchup).
1. And the number one reason I own Napkins - NOT Leicas, Nikons, Pentaxes,
or any other camera is... becuase Kodak hasn't made them for 27 years and
therefore can't discontinue them by years end becuase consumer demand has
dropped for Kodak napkins over the years ;-)
Lewis
Date: Sat, 16 Jun 2001
As presented on my site http://digital.photography.home.att.net/
--
Someone asked for a list of abbreviations; for your education and/or
amusement, I submit a list I've been compiling for several months (it
also includes some "emoticons")... Sorry about the length.
- Ray R
[Ed. Note: Worst and Ugliest SLR Contest...]
cbh@ieya.co.uk (Chris Hedley) wrote:
Hi Chris,
Here goes. In no particular order:
Mirandas (all). There was only one acceptable lens in the whole Miranda
range, and that was made by Soligor, hardly a paragon of optical virtue.
Konica Autoreflex TC. Beautiful lenses that stand comparison with some
of today's best, but a camera body that was sadly plagued by myriad
minor problems. The UK importer stopped selling the TC because its
profits were wiped out by the cost of warranty claims.
Topcon Unirex. Fine optics, but a leaf shutter in a 35mm SLR is very
difficult to make reliable for long term use. Topcon failed here. I
have worked with Topcon in another field of optics (not photography) and
have a very high regard for the company, just not for these SLRs. Their
other SLR range (Super D?) with focal plane shutters was very different,
and a lot more reliable, but could not compete with the Nikon F and F2.
Zenit (Zenith). If you got a good one, it was still short on features
such as fast and slow shutter speeds; the range was 1/30 to 1/500 sec.
The build quality was unbelievably dire, with unfinished sharp edges,
unpainted surfaces in the mirror box ... I don't know if Zenith's
current offerings are any better.
Alpa. I'm a great fan of the now-defunct 35mm SLRs from Alpa, mainly
because of their commitment to offering the very best lenses, albeit
from several different manufacturers (Kern, Angenieux, Schneider ...).
However the later (model 8 >) Alpa SLRs were some of the ugliest cameras
ever made, with truly bizarre handling. The Kern Macro-Switar 50mm
f/1.8 or f/1.9 was probably the finest 35mm SLR standard lens of the
period. I have worked with Kern optics in another field and found them
to be consistently superior to most if not all others.
Cosina. Also sold as Vivitar, Nikon (FE10, FM10), Olympus (OM-2000) and
probably other brands too. These are cheap and very nasty cameras made
mostly of plastic. They are probably the only disposable SLRs made,
because the cost of repair seems to exceed the value of a used example.
If it fails under warranty, you are given a new one. They're often
bought by beginners because of the low price, but they probably put more
beginners off serious photography than any other camera currently made,
with the possible exception of Zenit.
The "90 quid cheapies" such as Seagull (Centon in the UK) are not bad
cameras. The two Centon models available in the UK are a good way to gain
access to a large selection of Pentax K or Minolta manual focus lenses.
I've included Zenit for completeness.
Regards,
--
Date: Thu, 10 May 2001
Mark Stinson wrote:
Hi Mark,
It's probably too late to save yourself. When the Medium Format Bug (MFB)
bites it's almost always permanent. I was speaking with an older, wiser
gentleman at a camera show a few years ago. Commiserating about our
addiction, he asks me what camera I used. I said "Hasselblad." He gives me
this sad, knowing look and says "You have my deepest sympathy."
But, all in all, it's been a fun ride on the road to ruin.
--
From Rollei Mailing List;
I once did an assignment for Al Goldstein at Screw Magazine.
Instead of using my Rolleiflex I shot the assignment with my
Zeiss Ikon Hologon camera. I then had Screw Magazine credit
the photos to the Carl Zeiss Hologon camera. I sent the
magazine to Fredolin Berthel, the Zeiss P.R. person with
my personal note, saying something like..."I'm always
looking out to give Zeiss credits in my photographs. I
heard that the publication was a big hit at Zeiss.
Ed
from russian camera mailing list:
Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2002
From: "ethnologist" vickersw@fiu.edu
Subject: Re: An entry to W@W C@MPETITION
Apropos of the rubber chicken, remember that every photographer is
supposed to have a broken doll as part of his or her kit. If you
want to add pathos to a picture just place the broken doll somewhere
within the scene. It works great! If you really want to be avant
garde place the broken doll with the rubber chicken. However, if you
do this you risk winning major art competitions in London and New
York.
Best, Bill
from hasselblad mailing list:
Date: Sun, 17 Feb 2002
From: rstein rstein@bigpond.net.au
Subject: Re: [HUG] Flash contacts on CF lenses
Dear Brother Meiland,
Trust not the cords that bind for verily they pass not the
electricity.
The devil works amongst them and while they appear to be true they are
false. Cast them into outer darkness, neither bundle them up into a drawer
with a label " To be fixed " for Lo! They will be pulled out in error one
day and thou wilt be in the same boat again.
Father Dick
From russian camera mailing list:
Date: Wed, 13 Feb 2002
From: "ganderfive" ganderfive@yahoo.com
Subject: New mental illness discovered.....Institutionalized Care Recommended!
Atlanta,Georgia......The U.S.Mental Health Association today
announced the discovery of a new form of mental illness, previously
undetected. This malady causes an insatiable desire for Russian
Rangefinder's,SLR's, and Medium format cameras. Bizarre behavior is
reported to include "hiding" said cameras in closets, sleeping with
said cameras, saving twine and packaging materials which accompany
said cameras,( when shipped from Ukraine), and in especially severe
cases....EATING THE TWINE! While unconfirmed, the twine is rumored to
be made from Yakk hair. Upon closer examination, it has been
determined that it isn't Yakk hair at all, but Cow tail hair, as
evidenced by all the cows in Ukraine missing their tails. The number
of cows in Ukraine missing their tails is exceeded only by the
numbers of sufferers missing currency from their wallets!
This mental illness, while progressive and irreversable, is not
fatal. Sufferers have been known to paint their cameras abnormal
colors, cover them with the skins of dead animals (not native to the
country of the cameras origin)and otherwise obsessing over the
cameras well being, while neglecting their own personal health.
Should you suspect the person dear to you is afflicted with this
illness, take the following steps IMMEDIATELY!!!! (1)Carefully
package all Russian Rangefinder Cameras, SLRs and Medium Format
cameras of Russian/Ukrainian origin (2) include in package original
packaging label (the afflicted probably saved it); (3)include in the
package the Cowtail twine (OK Yakk hair!); (4)Mail the contaminated
goods to:
Dr. Michael C. Steele
RRF Syndrome Institute
6004 Lancaster Drive
Flint, Michigan 48532
Doctor Steele is working around the clock to find a cure for this
mental illness, and is attempting to identify the real root cause.
Some researchers attribute the illness to the quality/price ratio of
these fine cameras....some to the mystery associated with the
countries of origin....and some to the biochemical impact the "Yakk
hair twine" is reported to have on the recipient.
The RRF Syndrome Institute is a non-profit organization, dedicated to
ridding the world of this dreaded illness. Shipped materials will not
be resold, mistreated....or returned. The RRF Syndrome Institute is
accepting cash donations to expand it's currently inadequate storage
facility, your support would be appreciated. This donation may or may
not be a tax deductible donation....probably not...but what the
heck!!!
From Nikon Mailing List:
Subject: RE: [Nikon] Film vs. Digital vs Junk
Date: Mon, 4 Mar 2002
From: "Barry Kieffer" Barry.Kieffer@worldwidepackets.com
My photography instructor explains it this way:
* If nobody ever sees it (the photograph) it is not a bad photo.
* If it is blurry, it is fine art.
* It is not art until you sign it.
--Barry, lol!
From: dpcwilbur@excite.com (Collin Brendemuehl)
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.35mm
Subject: Lens repair procedures
Date: 29 Jan 2002
http://www.hermes.net.au/bayling/repair.html
Applies to any brand!
Collin
From: BBFoto wbland@sc.rr.com
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.medium-format
Subject: Re: Fuji GW670II 6x7 Rangefinder reviews?
Date: Wed, 30 Jan 2002
I have the 670II (not the wide) and it is solid. I dropped it from about 10
feet once, and other than a slight scratch, no problem. I just got a 20x30
print back, and it is amazingly sharp. The lens is superb, but is not
interchangable, if that's important to you. I've used it at weddings (not as
the only camera), for large groups, portraits, landscapes, most everything. It
is big and heavy. My only real complaint is the sound the shutter makes. It is
a loud, resounding "CHUUUUNG." Can be annoying in some situations.
Now for some photographer humor (I hope.) (True story) I was in a board room
with some executives that wanted a group shot. We were waiting for one that
was late. I was standing there holding my Fuji when he burst into the room,
looked at me with my camera and exclaimed "My God, you've got a big one!" I
replied "Thank you for noticing. Now, what do you think of my camera?"
Brought the house down! Almost ruined my shoot, because I couldn't get them to
stop giggling.
BBFoto
Terry Fry wrote:
> After some years away from Medium format, I wanted a decent camera to do
> some occasional
> medium format work. I've seen the "Texas Leica" before, but never used it.
>
> Anyone have pros/cons of this camera?
From: Ken kence@idworld.net
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.medium-format
Subject: Re: First impressions of MF / 501CM
Date: Sun, 17 Mar 2002
VKruger wrote:
> I've noticed the same thing with a Speed Graphic. People get rather bubbly when
> you point one at them.
LOL!! I bet they do. Photographing friends I've noticed that as
the camera becomes larger being photographed becomes a bigger deal.
Years ago, I took a few shots of a lady friend with my 35 mm Minolta
XD-11... No big deal.
Remembering that I had a couple of frames left on my Pentax 6x7,
I brought it out. Lady friend decides she need to check hair and
freshen make up.
At this point I was thinking I may as well burn up a few remaining bits
of 4x5 Polaroid and sheet film so I dig out my 4x5 monorail and tripod.
Lady friend decides she really needs to change outfits.
--
Ken, Pookie and Sammy
--
From camera fix mailing list:
Date: Mon, 8 Apr 2002
From: "Kate and Chris" rawhiti@es.co.nz
Subject: Re: leftover pieces
> but then how many times have you taken
>something apart, especially a complex piece of machinery, and then
>put it all back together, so you think, only to find that you've got
>a leftover screw or washer or other do-hicky and have no idea where
>it came from?
In my time at Kodak, it was a favourite practical joke to throw some tiny
spare part onto another repairman's bench and watch the fun when they looked
down after finishing reassembling the camera to see the part they "must have
left out". Some would start swearing and take the camera apart, some would
check the function carefully to see if they really had left the part out,
and some would casually sweep the part into the top drawer and pretend it
was never there.
Regards, Chris Sherlock
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 2002
From: Jens Putzier jens.putzier@putzier.com
To: contax@photo.cis.to
Subject: [Contax] [OT] Leica homepage
During my lunch break, I came across this page:
http://www.asc.upenn.edu/usr/cassidy/leicaslacker/plug/page1.html
Not everybody's humour probably, but I found it kind of fun.
Jens
Date: Mon, 01 Apr 2002
From: Marc James Small msmall@infi.net
To: ZICG@yahoogroups.com, rollei@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
Subject: [Rollei] SHARPO: The Answer to Leica's P&S; Embarrasments
>From a 1998 Leica Users' Group Posting:
you wrote:
>Marc,
>They may be embarrassing to some but I was staggered after returning with
>pictures from a recent weekend in Oporto with my wife. I'd taken my CLE
>(small and auto-exposure) with a couple of the M-Rokkor lenses, my wife had
>taken her Leica Minizoom.
Jem
Trust me on this one, old son. Apply a couple of coats of SHARPO to the
front surface of your lens. Hell, open the camera right before you expose
the shot and apply a swab or two of SHARPO to the film. Double Hell, let's
go all the way: drink the stuff. Put it on your shoes. Dab some on your
hair. Pour it on your roses.
You'll feel better and younger. You will no longer care that your wife is
capable of taking better pictures than you can. You will like yourself
more. Your Attention Deficit Disorder and Chronic Stress Syndrome will
disappear. Your children will talk to you again. Your dog will quit
urinating on your shoes. Strangers will stop you on the street to hand you
large wads of oddly coloured currency (or whatever is passing for money in
the UK these days). You will never be stopped by a red light again.
Potholes will be filled before your wheels. Your car will actually run (in
any event, it will run if you are driving a non-British car -- miracles,
after all, only go so far!) You will be able to finish the Times
Cross-Word in less than five weeks and without cheating.
You will be able to eat well and hearty and not gain weight. Your hair
will turn brown or blonde or green or whatever it used to be. It will all
grow back. You will look like a fifteen-year-old Adonis and will have the
sagacity of a wise old owl. Women will chase, young women, beautiful young
women. Your wife, if you share with her your SHARPO, will be able to fend
them off, but only by the application of repeatedly hitting them with her
umbrella.
You will finally be popular.
Guaranteed, son. :Money back. Says so on the can. They wouldn't lie,
would they?
TM and REG and all that legal stuff, as well.
Marc
msmall@infi.net
from russian camera mailing list:
Date: Mon, 01 Apr 2002
From: Bob Shell bob@bobshell.com
Subject: Re: Re: filter question ???
ganderfive at ganderfive@yahoo.com wrote:
> I know this is a pretty "non-technical" explanation, I'll
> save that for people like Bob Shell, or Kevin K. or others...but
> that's the kind of filter it is.
Just be sure to buy some of this and put on the filter before
trying to use it. This stuff is available only one day every
year.
> AS SEEN ON eBay!
>
> * Tired of slow, sluggish shutter speeds?
> * Keep getting that dreaded "Shake" warning?
> * Does your camera lock up at the worst possible moment in low light?
>
> Want to end missing those Decisive Moments FOREVER?
>
> DOUBLE your film speed NOW, without changing the favorite film you use!
>
> ----==== Mr. Bill's Photon Grease ====----
>
> Just a little dab of Mr. Bill's Photon Grease on the front of your lens
> lets those photons slide right through the glass and lubricates them to get
> past the lens diaphragm with less congestion. The result? TWICE as many
> get through to the film! That's right, TWICE the number of photons. It's
> the SAME as DOUBLING your film speed!
>
> So many books talk about the wave theory of light, but few talk about the
> particle theory. That's right, light is actually miniscule, minute
> particles! Normal lubricants are made of molecules and compounds too big
> to work on properly on the very small size of photons. Mr. Bill's Photon
> Grease is specially formulated with molecules the proper size that work at
> the necessary sub-molecular level to coat those photons. Quantum mechanics
> have known about this grease for years. Now, Mr. Bill introduces it to the
> world of photography.
>
> AND . . .
> Mr. Bill's Photon Grease does MORE than just double your film speed!
>
> Still using single-coated, or worse yet, uncoated lenses and filters?
>
> Mr. Bill's Photon Grease REDUCES glare and flare by enabling MORE photons
> to slide past air-glass surfaces with less reflection, less flare and
> greater light transmission. The improvement in contrast is dramatic.
>
> With all this benefit, you must think Mr. Bill's Photon Grease is costly.
>
> Not so! A 4 oz. tube of Mr. Bill's Photon Grease would normally sell for
> $24.95, but for a limited time only, a special supply of 6 oz. tubes of Mr.
> Bill's Photon Grease is available for ONLY $9.95; that's right, 50% more at
> less than HALF the manufacturer's suggested retail price.
>
> HURRY! ACT NOW, while supplies last!
> mailto:mrbill@bogon.com
>
> NOT AVAILABLE IN STORES
>
From nikon mailing list:
From: "Mel" mgreg@intcon.net
Date: Tue, 26 Mar 2002
Subject: [Nikon] splitting hairs
Let me see if I can briefly state the complaints of the posters:
1. A 40 year old system to attach lenses to Cameras is being modified;
2. There are no aperture rings on lenses engineered to work with cameras
introduced only in the past 5 years;
3. That Nikon does not care for the MF crowd even though the company brings
out a new FM3a that uses most all of the lenses, even AF and VR without VR
and without AF;
4. That Nikon might use a plastic lens element for aspherical correction;
5. That filters do not save lenses;
6. That filters do save lenses;
7. That filters degrade images;
8. That filters do not degrade lenses;
9. That consumer lenses suck even though their owners are happy;
10. That Pro lenses are too expensive or lack either VR or AFS or both;
11. That Nikon TC's are not as AF friendly as Kenko
12. That Kenko TC's vignette;
3. That all third party lenses are evil; some more evil than others;
14. That some lens variation happens;
15. That one zoom ratio sucks for some;
16. That another zoom ratio sucks for another;
17. That cameras are better with black tape and brassing with sandpaper;
18. That cameras are better with no use at all;
19. That primes are better in all situations than zooms;
20. That zooms are better in all situations than primes;
21. That anything other than "just the facts" is off topic and to be
avoided;
22. That Off topic is okay;
23. That Photodo is the word of God;
24. That Photodo sucks;
25. That brick walls and resolution charts are the first step before
actually shooting a picture;
26. That brick walls and resolution charts are the last thing to shoot;
27. That my camera is better than yours;
28. That a new model is better than anything;
29. That mortgaging the homestead for a new lens to shoot brick walls is
okay;
30. That waiting to buy used is okay as long as it is at KEH;
31. The list goes on and on and maybe you can add to it.
What this shows me that some things are important to some and not worth a
tinkers damn to another and that there is room for both sides on these
lists. Personally, I try to use my gear to really shoot the heck out of
film and not brick walls, not test charts, but honest to God pictures. I
try not to worry all day about a pincushion, I try not to even guess at
image degradation with a UV filter and the use of one gives me peace of
mind, no matter what anyone else says. I try to take from this list what is
good for me and try to ignore that which I consider gnat's ass critiques and
at night I sleep knowing that my slide file is full of memories and not
resolution charts. When was the last time you saw a 16 X 20 of a brick wall
with linear distortion pointed out with arrows or a test chart showing image
fall off on the edges on the wall of a home, an office or a business?
Mel
From contax mailing list:
Date: Sat, 16 Mar 2002
From: Alexander mediadyne@hol.gr
To: contax@photo.cis.to
Subject: [Contax] Joke of the month - OT
Well, in the old tradition, (it must be what, over a year now that I
have not regularly posted a joke of the month or week..), here it is:
**********************************************
A photographer walks into a Leica dealer shop. He browses around, then spots the
perfect camera and walks over to inspect it.
As he bends to feel the fine leather and precision engineering Leica is
known for, he farts loudly. Very embarrassed, he looks around nervously
to see if anyone has noticed his little accident and hopes a sales
person doesn't pop up right now.
As he turns back, there, standing next to him is a salesman.
"Good day, Sir. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably he asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
camera?"
He answers, "Sir, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely
going to sh*t when you hear the price."
From hasselblad mailing list:
Date: Fri, 31 May 2002
From: Peter Rosenthal petroffski@mac.com
Subject: Re: [HUG] The Hasselblad Sticker FULL MOON WOO HOO
I apologize ahead of time... sincerely... it's Stein's fault really... he
asked for it now didn't he? I think it's from his living on the wrong side
of the earth. All the blood rushes into their heads down there. This is
actually the most fun I've had in minutes.
Hasselblad users do it with their left forefinger
Hasselblad lovers like to pull their "darkslides"
Hasselblad users cradle their unit in their left hand
Hasselblad lovers do it in 1/250th of a second
my favorite so far:
Hasselblad lovers do it with one eye all squinty
More to come after I get back from therapy. There may be a problem here.
At least my wife says so. She didn't actually say so but you know the look.
I had better go take out the garbage now.
So much for professional decorum
Peter
Peter Rosenthal
PR Camera Repair
111 E. Aspen #1
Flagstaff, AZ 86001
(928) 779-5263
From hasselblad mailing list:
Date: Fri, 31 May 2002
From: Anthony Atkielski anthony@atkielski.com
Subject: Re: [HUG] The Hasselblad Sticker FULL MOON WOO HOO
"Man from Blad"
"Blad girl on board."
"Dark slides on the Moon"
"Four times the pixels, half the price."
"Blad Dad"
"Rad Grad with a Blad"
----- Original Message -----
From: "Charles Carstensen" ccarstensen@gwe.net
To: "rstein" rstein@bigpond.net.au
Sent: Friday, May 31, 2002
Subject: RE: [HUG] The Hasselblad Sticker FULL MOON WOO HOO
> "Hasselblad shooters think square"
>
> "My Hassy is sassy"
>
> "I'm glad to have a Blad"
>
> "Hassy is my Copilot"
> (I'm an Aerial Photographer)
>
> Chuck Carstensen
> Photographer
> Montrose, Colorado
> http://www.cphoto.biz
From hasselblad mailing list:
Date: Fri, 31 May 2002
From: "Dr. Ulrik Neupert" ulrik.neupert@int.fhg.de
Subject: AW: [HUG] The Hasselblad Sticker FULL MOON WOO HOO
"From Sweden with Love"
"Hasselblads are Forever"
"The Man with the Golden Blad"
"Hassypussy"
"Licence to Shoot"
"For the best Eyes only"
Ulrik
From hasselblad mailing list:
Date: Sun, 02 Jun 2002
From: Bob Keene/Keene Vision Photography kabob3@attbi.com
Subject: RE: [HUG] The Hasselblad Sticker FULL MOON WOO HOO
"Hasselblad users have bigger negatives."
Bob Keene
Keene Vision Photography
"Creating Visions That Last A Lifetime"
781/449-2536
www.keenevision.com
Postscript:
"Blad to the bone!"
From Leica Mailing List:
Date: Mon, 10 Jun 2002
From: Teresa299@aol.com
Subject: Re: [Leica] Creative Excuses
joecodi@clearsightusa.com writes:
Neil,
there is no need for excuses. As you know, the best defense is offense.
Here is a list of responses that should put the matter to rest permanently:
1. It was a moment of weakness. May I take you out to dinner?
2. I am trying to do my part in helping the economy.
3. I bought it to test all the others.
4. Honey, I bought it to take better photos of you.
5. The LUG made me do it.
6. The others are like mistresses, I do not use them any more.
7. For crying out loud, do I complain when you buy groceries and clothes for
the kids?
8. Sweetheart, I bought it so you may have something to complain about.
9. Jim Brick has one.
10. Your own 30 pairs of shoes were perfectly fine also, still you bought
one more. And I don't accuse you of being a co-conspirator of Imelda Marcos.
Joe Codispoti
Not having a wife here are a few others....
1. I love you more than life itself. Your permission for me to pursue my
hobby only reminds me how much I love and honor you, and every time I touch
one of my cameras or light meters, not only do I think of you, but it further
strengthens the bond of love we share.
2. This light meter is no ordinary light meter. It doubles as a sexual toy
that I want to share with you when I take you on a second honeymoon to the
Bahamas.
3. I didn't really want the light meter, but the older woman who sold it to
me was on hard times, and since she so reminded me of your Mum that I
couldn't help myself in coming to her aid. Her 13 children thank you
profusely for letting them have enough to eat this week.
4. I was thinking that it would only be fair, that for every quid I spend on
camera gear that you get to spend 3 times that amount on what makes you happy.
5. I passed out and must have hit my head. I'm not sure how I ended up with
this.... who are you anyway, you look rather familiar to me.....
6. (in your best george -the shrub-bush voice say) It's not really a light
meter, it's more a thing to get the right light in the place that I want to
measure it in, measured in a way that is metered like light. It's not that I
needed this, this measured me-ter of light measuring device, because
measurement is only needed if we don't stay the course, but since we're, the
both of us, trying to stay the course, then of course, the meter may not have
to be measured, for light anyway.....
7. Honey, yer right. Since it bothers you so, rather than pursue my hobby
of photographing flowers, I'm going to sell all my gear and hang out with the
guys on Friday and Saturday night's at Hooters. Wanna join us?
- -kim
From nikon mailing list:
>Date: Sat, 13 Jul 2002
>From: Randy Holst mrvolvo@cableone.net
>Subject: Re: Dings and dents
>Even though I've tried to impress upon my camera users that these are
>expensive precision photographic instruments, they have proved
>themselves to be true TYROS when it comes to anything precision or
>mechanical. I have categorized them as follows:
>
>
>1. "PHOTOYOKELS": 3 of the 12 camera users have the uncanny ability to
>press the wrong button or turn the wrong knob at the most inopportune
>time, resulting in everything from improper flash sync. to the film
>falling out of the back before it's rewound. They tend to say: "Aw
>S--t!" a lot.
>
>2. "SHUTTER DIGITITIS": 4 of the 12 have this affliction, which
>manifests itself by the act of poking one or more of their
>fingers/thumbs through the shutter curtains while changing film. One
>guy has gotten so good at it he's done it three times. Most of the
>time, a complete shutter replacement by the Nikon Service Center has
>been required, but I've managed to get a few working again by carefully
>fitting the shutter blades back into their grooves. So far, I've been
>able to trace all but one shutter failure to user error.
>
>3. "NIKKORGOOBERS": Nearly all of my camera users fall into this
>category, and they seem to be in competition to see who can coat the
>L37c filters protecting the lenses with the most foreign substances;
>french fry grease/salt, blood(?), mud, squished bugs, boogers,
>etc....and those are only the substances I can identify.
>
>4. "LIQUID WRENCHERS": No, they don't squirt Liquid Wrench into the
>cameras, but there are a few people who possess the magical power of
>making things fall apart just by touching them. Screws fall out, the
>viewfinder eyepiece disappears, the rewind crank vaporizes, lens caps
>and filters go bye-bye, you name it. This is compounded by the fact
>that they never seem to recover the part that fell off. I've been
>unable to determine how many offenders I have as they rarely identify
>themselves. I'd hate to ride in a car with them.
>
>5. "NIPPON KOGAKLUTZ's": By far, these are the most destructive.
>These 5 people have yet to figure out what the AN-1 neckstrap I've
>attached to each camera is for. They like to balance the camera atop a
>running car and walk away, apparently in an effort to determine how long
>it will take before the camera slides off and puts a dent in the
>pavement. Of course, this results in smashed filters, dented body
>corners, mangled rubber eyepiece rims and countless broken hot shoe feet
>on our Vivitar 283 flash units. These are the same people who will set
>a full glass of chocolate milk down on the arm of a new sofa, which I
>refer to as "Austin Syndrome" (named after my 10 year old nephew Austin,
>who managed to freeze his tongue to a Pop-sicle last summer).
>
>As you can tell from my offender numbers, quite a few people are
>talented in more than one category. In spite of their efforts though,
>all 6 of our FM2N cameras are still fully functional. None of them have
>their original shutters and they all look like they've been through
>Hell, but they get the job done. Would I buy a used one? Sure!
>They've proven themselves to me.
>
>> seriously does any one have any figures etc with regards to stress tolerance
>> etc, How Much can a trusty Nikon Take?
>
>Well, one of our NIPPON KOGAKLUTZ's managed to leave a camera kit on the
>trunk lid of his car as he drove off one night. He heard the thud of
>the Pelican #1500 plastic camera case hitting the pavement, but before
>he could get turned around to retrieve it, a rather large Buick ran over
>the case and smashed it to smithereens (I always wanted to use that word
>in a sentence). Miraculously, the camera body, both lenses and flash
>unit survived unscathed. I guess that says a lot for Pelican cases.
>
>Randy Holst
>Boise, Idaho
[Ed. note: where does this leave us considering all the Kiev-bashers out there? ;-)]
From: artkramr@aol.com (ArtKramr)
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.medium-format
Date: 06 Jul 2002
Subject: How to find the best of everything
If we go to the 35mm NG we find that all those who don't own Leicas join
together to trash Leicas. If we go to the MF NG we find that all those who
don't own Blads join together to trash Blads and Zeiss lenses. We can find the
best equipment in every category simply by noting who is trashing it Simple
huh? Newbie lurkers beware. (grin)
Arthur Kramer
Visit my WW II B-26 website at:
http://www.coastcomp.com/artkramer
From rollei mailing list:
Date: Thu, 18 Jul 2002
From: Marc James Small msmall@infi.net
Subject: [Rollei] Lens Hoods: The Straight Skinny
Olivia Hibel wrote:
>Duh.... What's a "lens hood" used for?
> Thanks in advance,
> Olivia
> totally new at this
A "lens hood" is a creep who hangs around dark alleys, mugging
photographers passing by and taking their lenses. These guys can normally
be spotted from the stream of crying folks running away, sobbing over their
cameras now deprived of the prinicipal optical component.
These "lens hoods" are bad guys and are much to be shunned. The American
Photographic Association used to mark their hang-outs in red on APA maps
but, with new urban transport on the scene, such as hi-tech scooters and
the like, it is impossible to say from minute to minute where they will
strike.
As "lens hoods" have a phobia against cameras, one sure solution is to
superglue the lenses to your camera. This foils them, every time.
The Hill District in Pittsburgh, Mission Street in San Francisco, the
Waterfront in Cleveland ... these are all places to be avoided.
Marc
msmall@infi.net
From hasselblad mailing list:
Date: Sat, 13 Jul 2002
From: rstein rstein@bigpond.net.au
Subject: Re: [HUG] FS Friday 80 mm F-Planar
Ulrik, Ulrik,
My dear fellow. Do not decry big wives. They are wonderful. Think of
all the advantages:
1. They can carry big loads. A fully laden Hasselblad case with all the
lenses that they make and several backup bodies can be a hefty item. With a
big wife it is simple to have your local harness maker run up a set of
saddlebags or panniers and these can be slung either side of the good woman
to even up the load and take it off your shoulders. It is not necessary to
holler "Gee" and " Haw" when rounding a corner.
2. They can act as useful windbreaks if shooting out in icy conditions.
3. They are not afraid of muggers. If you are out shooting in a
dangerous area of town and a group of thieves approach you, tell your wife
" They just called you fat..." and then she takes care of them. In some
cases they will give you money to stop being beaten up.
4. You can bring home all the Hasselblad items you want without a murmer
of protest, provided you slide a cheesecake in the door just prior to your
arrival. If you have been a really adventurous shopper and emptied out the
bank account for a new 500mm APO Tessar it would be well to make that a
Kahlua mudcake and a can of whipped cream.
5. Big wives got that way by cooking, and I don't mean watercress salads
and snow peas. You too can benefit from this. By her a cookbook of your
favourites and wait for the dinner gong. Big husbands are nice too....
Uncle Dick
From hasselblad mailing list:
Date: Thu, 4 Jul 2002
From: rstein rstein@bigpond.net.au
Subject: Re: [HUG] Q: CF(E/I) over C?
Dear Edo,
I assume from your post regarding the new Hasselblad lenses that you
will be purchasing that you are younger than me - girlfriend and all. Of
course, you must remember that there are glaciers that are younger than me
and some of them move faster than I do. But my point is there may be some
aspects of what they call " relationship management " that you have not
encountered and I may be able to steer you straight. Straight into what will
be come evident - read on.
Every man who has a partner will encounter the situation that you have
outlined. The absolute necessity to possess a wonderful thing or attempt a
wonderful venture. And the absolute certainty that to do so will bring one
under the guns of the female fortress and start a barrage that may last for
years. What to do?
1. Cultivate a sense of devil-may-care boldness. Rock up at home,
throw the new shotgun or Hasselblad lens or outboard motor on the dining
room table, and laugh. Remind her that we only live once.
You are MAN - you are KING. Mind you, so was Rodney and Martin Luther and
look what happened to them....
2. Sneak the lens into the house. This works better if you
concentrate on one style of lens - say the silver C's or the black CFE's or
whatever. One lens looks much like another and once it gets put up in the
cupboard who will know. Obviously do not let her see your bank statement or
credit card bill.
Note this does not work if you are buying a 500mm tele lens complete
with shoulder grip. Unless you smuggle it in a sleeping bag whilst
simultaneosly setting fire to the long grass out the front of the block to
distract her.
3. Present her with the new lens as a birthday present. On her
birthday. Do it with a straight face and wrap it in pink tissue.
I have personally witnessed someone get away with presenting a
Kiekhaufer outboard motor this way and also another chap who succeeded in
presenting an antique box-lock flintlock pistol to his missus. The latter
chap got a regimental citation and a little badge to wear on his sleeve.
Remember that whatever you do the ability to burst into tears is
invaluable. If you do it when she complains about the cost of the lenses she
will be either so abashed or so appalled that she will go quiet. Note that
it is a bad strategy to burst into tears before you do the purchasing also
do not lie down on the floor of the camera store and kick your heels on the
floor as this looks bad.
Uncle Dick
From hasselblad mailing list:
Date: Thu, 11 Jul 2002
From: rstein rstein@bigpond.net.au
Subject: Re: [HUG] Starter kit
Dear Daniel,
WLF is the accepted industry jargon for woman's leg finder. CF is
cleavage finder. CFi is cleavage finder (improved) for those ladies who have
had surgery and CFE is cleavage finder (extraordinary) for the Hollywood
types who have gone for the full-blown treatment.
I am surprised it did not mention this in your instruction booklet -
mine even had illustrations but I had to hide them from the children.
Uncle Dick
From rollei mailing list:
Date: Mon, 24 Jun 2002
From: Marc James Small msmall@infi.net
Subject: Re: [Rollei] unsubscribe
B. D. Colen wrote:
>unsubscribe
BD
Here's how to unsubscribe:
First, ask your Internet Provider to mail you an Unsubscribing Kit.
Then follow these directions.
The kit will most likely be the standard no-fault type. Depending on
requirements, System A and/or System B can be used. When operating System
A, depress lever and a plastic dalkron unsubscriber will be dispensed
through the slot immediately underneath. When you have fastened the
adhesive lip, attach connection marked by the large "X" outlet hose. Twist
the silver- coloured ring one inch below the connection point until you
feel it lock. The kit is now ready for use. The Cin-Eliminator is activated
by the small switch on the lip. When securing, twist the ring back to its
initial condition, so that the two orange lines meet. Disconnect.
Place the dalkron unsubscriber in the vacuum receptacle to the rear.
Activate by pressing the blue button. The controls for System B are
located on the opposite side. The red release switch places the
Cin-Eliminator into position; it can be adjusted manually up or down by
pressing the blue manual release button. The opening is self- adjusting. To
secure after use, press the
green button, which simultaneously activates the evaporator and returns the
Cin-Eliminator to its storage position. You may log off if the green exit
light is on over the evaporator . If the red light is illuminated, one of
the Cin-Eliminator requirements
has not been properly implemented. Press the "List Guy" call button on the
right of the evaporator . He will secure all facilities from his control
panel.
To use the Auto-Unsub, first undress and place all your clothes in the
clothes rack. Put on the velcro slippers located in the cabinet immediately
below. Enter the shower, taking the entire kit with you. On the control
panel to your upper right upon entering you will see a "Shower seal"
button. Press to activate. A green light will then be illuminated
immediately below. On the intensity knob, select the desired setting. Now
depress the Auto-Unsub activation lever. Bathe normally. The Auto-Unsub
will automatically go off after three minutes unless you activate the
"Manual off" override switch by flipping it up. When you are ready to
leave, press the blue "Shower seal" release button. The door will open and
you may leave. Please remove the velcro slippers and place them in their
container.
If you prefer the ultrasonic log-off mode, press the indicated blue button.
When the twin panels open, pull forward by rings A & B. The knob to the
left, just below the blue light, has three settings, low, medium or high.
For normal use, the medium setting is suggested. After these settings have
been made, you can activate the device by switching to the "ON" position
the clearly marked red switch. If during the unsubscribing operation, you
wish to change the settings, place the "manual off" override switch in the
"OFF" position. You may now make the change and repeat the cycle.
When the green exit light goes on, you may log off and have lunch. Please
close the door behind you.
--------------------
Marc
msmall@infi.net
From minolta mailing list:
Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002
From: "unregistered_mage" ntregister@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Joke....
i don't get it....... :-(
--- In Minolta@y..., "schwerpunkt1" schwerpunkt1@i... wrote:
> There was once a proctologist called Ernie who after 30 years of
> looking inside people's rear ends and sorting out intestinal
> problems, decided to retire and take up photography. Being an old-
> fashioned sort of chap, he bought a lovely old Minolta XE-1 (none of
> that new-fangled AF stuff for him) and some assorted equipment and
> after taking a few rolls of disappointing photos, decided he needed
> to attend a course.
>
> So off Ernie went to a famous photography school and enrolled in a
> Macro course. He was very enthusiastic and the lecturers enjoyed his
> poignant questions and intelligent answers. The day after the final
> exam Ernie waited anxiously for his results. Would he get the
> coveted certificate or not?
>
> After an hour or so he was called into the course administrator's
> office. "Ernie," he said. "You've gotten the highest mark we've
> ever given to any of the students in 70 years of the school's
> history. 95% in the written theory - excellent. 97% in the oral -
> outstanding. But what REALLY astounded us was your practical -
> 200%!!!"
>
> "How is it possible that I received 200% in the practical?" asked the
> puzzled proctologist.
>
> "Well," said the administrator. "We loved that composition of the
> Black widow spider - incredible detail and sharpness and the colours
> were stunning. Great background, too. I realise you use Minolta
> equipment so it's only to be expected. We also loved that one where
> you actually captured the mouthparts of a caterpillar chewing a rose-
> petal. Wonderful choice of subject. Again, out-standing sharpness
> and DOF. Perfect lighting. You must have taken hours to get it
> right!"
>
> "Eight, actually!" remarked Ernie modestly.
>
> "But what amazed us the most," declared the administrator, wiping
> away the tears of happiness that were running down his cheeks with a
> lens chamois and blowing his nose on a lens tissue, "was your film-
> loading method. You're the only person we've ever seen that loads
> his film through the macro bellows!"
>
> schwerpunkt
From hasselblad mailing list:
Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002
From: rstein rstein@bigpond.net.au
Subject: [HUG] Saturday Morning Post
Dear Friends,
You have no idea what havoc you wreak in my life. As I type, I should
be changing the bed, doing the dishes, and cleaning the bathroom. This will
not be done, and I will be punished for it. You are condemning me to a life
of squalor.
Ah, well, it is better than a life as a wedding photographer. I was
appalled and amazed to read the sad tales from the trade. Including my own.
The failed equipment, the fatuous relatives, the gunfire....It is surprising
that anyone survives, let alone breeds after one of these affairs.
Is there no sunshine? Is it all gloom and Servants of Darkness? Are we
doomed to an eternity of flower girls* and table shots? Is there hope?
In a word, Yes. In a lot more words, yes, if you don't let yourself be
carried away with the same foolish flood that sweeps the families along.
We know that the bride is insane. This is a given. Do not protest,
Elisabeth, this is not a slash at Womankind. It is a fact - a temporary
fact. Her mother is also insane and the two forms of psychosis may or may
not be compatible. The disease also affects the other female members of the
family and close friends on a decreasing scale. If there is a mother of the
groom she will also be insane, but from180 degrees in the opposite
direction.
The thing to do is first get yourself a textbook on abnormal psychology,
read it, and then arm yourself with a prescription for short-acting
tranquillizers and a derringer. What one cannot solve the other can and they
can be applied to the ladies or yourself just as the occasion suggests.
In all the swirl of middle-class bourgeois aspiration and theatrical
self-importance that is a wedding ( Hoo Hoo, that'll draw fire....) you just
have to remain as the calm bastion of order. The possibilities person who
applies his or her art to the scene as it develops and captures some of the
majesty and joy that is there. If it ain't there, you can sort of fake it
into existance, but if they are determined to be sad or tawdry or cheap or
vicious, you might as well picture that and let posterity sort it out.
Get paid for the job - even if the pay is family blessings ( And you
can skunk out of giving a graceless juniour relative a wedding present by
shooting the wedding for free.) or lesser reward. Get paid for part of it
before it happens. This is known as the deposit and it is never returned
under any circumstances including the premature demise of the bridal party
or ditto of the photographer. Figure out a way for the pictures to pay even
if the customers steal the proofs, copy the pictures on a scanner, and never
order a thing. Make them responsible for all disasters - tip it and run is
still a viable business philosophy for weddings.
Remember that you do not have to accept every job that comes to the
door. If the people contacting you are graceless monsters at the initial
interview, they will be worse at the wedding. If they try to chisel you down
at the start, they will have perfected the skill by the end, so remember to
make it pay beforehand.
I am, in the words of Austin Powers - spent. I leave now for the
laundry tub and the mop.
Uncle Dick
* This is National Boot a Flower Girl into a Pond Week. Do your part.
From: "Bruce Grant" bgrant@mbcnet.com
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.large-format
Subject: Re: Changing tent dust
Date: Fri, 27 Sep 2002
"Sherman" sherman@dunnam.net wrote...
> TMax 100 is a dust magnet!
Well, there's your answer. Simply...
1. Take a sacrificial sheet of TMax 100.
2. Insert it into your changing tent.
3. Wave it around for a few seconds until it has attracted all the dust to itself.
4. Throw it away.
5. Then load the rest of your film in your freshly de-dusted changing tent.
;->
--
Bruce Grant
bruce@bruce-grant.com
From: NikonSLRUser@aol.com
Date: Thu, 5 Dec 2002
To: nikon@photo.cis.to
Subject: [Nikon] OT: Museum of Hoaxes -- Hoax Photo Test
I found this site, "Museum of Hoaxes," which has a set of pictures, "Hoax
Photo Test," which is pretty cool. I got 8 of 10 on each level, but I read a
lot of news.
Anyway, the "Waldorf Lumber Yard" picture, which was an OFF TOPIC thread here
for a while, is on Level I.
I think it is pretty good.
http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/tests/hoaxphototest.html
From: John Stafford john@stafford.net
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.large-format
Subject: Re: Multicoating Question
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 2003
Stacey wrote:
> [...] when I shinned a flash light through
> the lens it was like "WOW what is that crap!" [...]
Reminds me of the time my Very Blond girlfriend was becoming a
photographer. Her images were soft, so she asked me to look at the lens.
I reminded her _stridently_ that she should pay more attention to
maintenance. She left, I checked it out and when she came back she asked
"So, what did you have to do to the lens." I said, "Not much. Just crap
in it." She asked "How often do I have to do that?"
Date: Thu, 13 Feb 2003
From: "Abdon" abdon@sillypages.com
Subject: Garbage quality, expensive as hell
From Manual SLR mailing list:
I'm about to go to bed but let me jumpstart the next topic, the truly
horrible cameras that collectors love to pay mad money for. My two
contenders:
1937 Russian "Sport". Truly the most hideous and one of the scrappiest
cameras ever to see the light of day. The lens is reported to have a
resolving power of 40 lines per millimeter at the center, 12 at the edges.
Its claim to fame is that for a long time it was believed to has been the
original 35mm SLR camera. Exakta ended up getting that honor if by mere
months. $800 for this camera in chewed up shape is not uncommon.
The original Miranda Orion T; 1/500-sec, no instant return mirror, no lens
automation, no winding lever, no shit. Its claim to fame lies in being the
first Japanese 35mm with pentaprism and a removable one to that. Because of
this it is sought by collectors of 35mm cameras in general. $2000 in very
clean shape is a bargain.
- Abdon
Sent: Wed 2/26/2003
From classic 35mm compact camera mailing list:
From: mr__simon art.simon@lycos.com
[Classic 35mm Compacts] Compact 35mm Article
Hi,
I use to lurk in this group a year or two ago. I wrote an article on
my experience buying a few compact 35mm rangefinders on ebay. It
covers the Ricoh 500g, Konica C35V, Vivitar 35CA, Canonet G-III QL17
and others. I had plans of trying to sell it to a magazine, but well,
I never got around to it. It's suppose to be funny. I posted it at:
http://art.simon.tripod.com/35Compact/
Let me know what you think, positive or negative, I can take it.
Thanks,
Art
From: Alan Browne alan.browne@videotron.ca
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.35mm
Subject: Re: Canon Rumeurs from Chasseur d'Images
Date: Thu, 20 Feb 2003
Tony Spadaro wrote:
> Yep - Canon should translate as BIG GUN!
Funny you should mention that...
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should
be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. I've
come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies."
That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too, you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that I'm sure."
"Don't I know it." Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my goodness!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally
had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were
crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in mazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then
darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your,
um..equipment ?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work." "Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
From: "William E. Graham" weg9@attbi.com
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.35mm
Subject: Re: Silica gel
Date: Sun, 05 Jan 2003
"Robert Monaghan" rmonagha@smu.edu wrote
> the best silica gel source I've found so far is the cat box drying
> crystals......
My cat pays too much attention to my camera now......
From: Cathy cathyxx@nomail.here
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.large-format
Subject: Re: LF jokes
Date: Tue, 01 Apr 2003
I've had this list for awhile. Enjoy.
PHOTOGRAPHICANOMICAL TERMINOLOGY
Photographic -
Using foul language during the photo shoot.
Photomontage -
A double-exposure. "Ah...Yes, I meant to do it like that!"
Photochemistry -
The relationship between a photographer and client.
Photocopy -
One photographer copies another photographer's work.
Photoelectric -
When the safelight falls into the fixer. A shocking development.
Photocell -
Where a photographer is put when he is guilty of bad lighting, poor
focus and sick jokes.
Photoflood -
When the darkroom sink backs up.
Photogram -
The exact weight of an 8x10 inch print.
Photo Journalist -
A photographer who buys Playboy and never reads the articles.
Photomechanical -
One who can build sets, fix props and stick anything together with
gaffers tape.
Photo Sensitive -
Photographers who can't take criticism.
Photostat -
When the client absolutely, positively needs the film overnight.
Polaroids -
Type of hemorrhoids common only to photographers.
Positive -
The photographer's attitude when the client has cash up front.
Negative -
The photographer's attitude when the client demands "Any and all
rights".
4-Color -
The number of rolls of color film it takes to get the correct
exposure.
Models -
Exactly that. 'Models' of real people, not to be confused with the
real
thing.
Stock Photo - (MY FAVORITE)
A photo of a cow. ( a cow? WHY OR WHY NOT?) hehe
Colour -
How Europeans see color.
Processing -
Up all night thinking about the next day's assignment.
Viewfinder -
Photographer's car windows, while looking for that perfect location.
Development -
A photographer's formative years.
Lens Aberration -
What some people think of the results achieved by "fine art"
photographers.
Shutter -
A symptom of a photographer's anxiety when "the check is in the mail"
for weeks.
Camera Stand -
A road-side enterprise that sells fresh fruit, vegetables & camera
equipment.
Natural Light -
Type of beer preferred by all photographers.
Available Light -
The type of lighting a photographer claims he must use when he
realizes
that he didn't pack a sync cord.
Primary Colors -
Khaki and Denim. The only colors in a photographers wardrobe.
Replenisher -
A break for snacks and drinks in the middle of a rough day of
shooting.
Exposure -
What a photographer hopes he will get after spending $25,000 for a
4-page Black Book ad.
Constant Agitation -
What a photographer feels when his assistant just exposed the entire
day's film.
Albumen-on-Glass
A photographic process similar to the cream-cheese-on-rye process that
early photographers used.
Lens Hood -
Robin Hood's cousin who took photos of the rich and sold them to the
National Enquirer.
Auto-Exposure -
Cheating. But nice to have.
Auto-Focus -
Really cheating. But very nice to have.
Auto-Load -
Laziness. But nice to have.
Auto-Rewind -
Really lazy. But really nice to have.
Bellows -
How a photographer calls his assistant after realizing that the
assistant forgot to pack the film.
Bellows Extension -
The same photographer in the above example but using a bull horn
to get
his assistant's attention.
Twin lens reflex -
What Paparazzi photographers must use when shooting angered
celebrities.
Blur -
What a photographer sees when the client says, "Lets try ONE MORE from
over here".
Boom Stand -
Specialized equipment designed to be at exactly the correct height so
the models and clients will hit their head.
Fixer -
The photographers assistant... hopefully!
Flare -
Refers to a photographer's own personal sense of artistic style.
Freelancer -
Photographer without health insurance and retirement plans.
Grain -
A food that photographers eat daily to decrease reciprocity failure.
Hypo -
The fifth Marx Brother, his hobby was photography.
Reproduction Dupes -
Photographers who believe "The check is in the mail".
Zone System -
Zen meditation photography.
Photo Finish -
The end of a long shoot day
From NIKONMF mailing list:
Date: Thu, 12 Jun 2003
From: Shin SUGIYAMA ssugiya@biol1.bio.nagoya-u.ac.jp
Subject: An old Japanese fable.
Hope you enjoy this:
Once upon a time, many years ago in Kyoto,
there lived a very poor woodcutter who lived
along the shores of the Katsura River. The reason the woodcutter
was poor was because he was always taking pictures with his
beat-up black eyelevel Nikon F and not cutting much wood.
One day when he happened to actually be cutting wood,
the neckstrap of his camera broke, and it fell and sank into the
dark and murky flows of the river. Completely heartbroken
to loose his faithful and long time companion the woodcutter
sat down on the bank of the river with tears streaming down his face.
After an unknown amount of time had passed, the wood cutter realized
that there was an old man standing in front of him in the waters.
The woodcutter did not know how long the old man had been watching him
and felt uncomfortable noticing that there were water plants in the old man's
hair and beard and that he wore strange clothes of reeds and water lilies.
He was starting to think that a portrait of such a weird man might get him
first place in the
monthly photo contest of Asahi Camera Magazine when all of a sudden,
the old man who was actually the spirit of the river spoke out,
"What have you lost?" "I have lost my precious camera" replied the woodcutter,
to which the old man responded by submerging into the depths of the river.
This took the woodcutter by complete surprise and he sat there not knowing
what to do
for a few moments but the man soon emerged from the water again
holding a beautiful new-in-box condition silver-chrome Nikon S3/2000 and
asked him,
"Is this your camera?". Most Japanese in the old days were honest so the
woodcutter answered
"No, mine is a bargain grade black F". To this the old man silently sank
into the water again
and then reemerged holding a Golden Nikon FA with matching lens and box
and instructions and
an unfilled eternal warranty card and asked "Is THIS your camera? The
woodcutter had never
seen such a camera before and was still honest so he answered, "No I only
use manual exposure."
The old man sank into the waters a third time and this time came back with
the wood cutter's
old and trusty eyelevel F. Delighted to see his camera again the woodcutter
exclaimed,"Yes, thats my Nikon!"
"You are a good man", said the spirit of the river, and gave the wood
cutter back his F which was now
miraculously CLA-ed, and in addition the silver S3 and the gold FA as well
as a drab brown and gray
50th anniversary F5 all in an expensive Billingham bag to carry home.
The woodcutter sold all of the new stuff on Ebay with the "buy it now " option
and made enough so he didn't have to cut wood for a while and could spend
all of his time in the darkroom of his hut.
The woodcutter's neighbor who was not such an honest man happened to hear
of this lucky episode
and took his old Canon F1 that he hardly ever shot with anymore because he
was now an EOS user,
and went to the same place along the river and tossed the poor camera in.
After what seemed like a long while, the old man spirit of the river
emerged from the waters
holding the F1 with a sad look on his face and said, "Sorry we don't
service these anymore".
The End.
From: Mxsmanic mxsmanic@hotmail.com
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.35mm
Subject: Film or Digital in 20 questions
Date: Fri, 13 Jun 2003
YOU MAY BE BETTER OFF SHOOTING FILM IF ...
1. You don't have a computer.
2. You don't like to use computers.
3. You can wait an hour or two to see your photos, or longer.
4. You routinely have your photos printed on paper or projected on a
screen (like slides).
5. You prefer very large prints (11x14 and up).
6. You cannot afford to spend a lot of money up front, or you'd prefer
not to, even if it means paying a bit more as you go over time.
7. You enjoy having extensive manual control over your photography
(shutter speeds, aperture, etc.).
8. You rarely if ever send photographs to anyone by e-mail.
9. You rarely if ever post photographs to a Web site.
10. You shoot only a small number of photographs over a long period
(less than one thousand per year, for example).
11. You want or require the very highest image quality obtainable in
your photos.
12. You like to take pictures in black and white.
13. You travel often and enjoy photographing your trips.
14. You hate to look at images on a monitor.
15. You have no desire or need to retouch or adjust your photos after
you take them.
16. You want to set up your own wet darkroom.
17. You need instant response when you press the shutter button, and/or
the ability to take a very large number of exposures at very high speed.
18. You need interchangeable lenses, very wide angles, or very
restricted depth of field.
19. You prefer to buy a camera once, and then keep it until it wears
out, no matter what else comes out.
20. You work with a tripod, in a studio, or in other situations where
you spend far more time setting up the shot than actually pressing the
shutter.
YOU MAY BE BETTER OFF SHOOTING DIGITALLY IF ...
1. You have a computer, and you enjoy working with it.
2. You need to be able to view photographs within minutes after taking
them.
3. You have young children or grandchildren whom you photograph
frequently.
4. You have a need or desire to be able to send photographs quickly and
easily to other people by e-mail.
5. You have a need or desire to be able to post photographs to a Web
site quickly and easily.
6. You're willing and able to invest a significant sum up front,
especially if you can enjoy greater long-term savings as a result.
7. You rarely have your photographs printed on paper.
8. You like to retouch or adjust your photos, or you like to prepare
composite photos or other visual art from photographs you've taken.
9. You are interested almost exclusively in color photography (as
opposed to black and white).
10. You are interested in the latest technological developments.
11. You need to be able to shoot large numbers of photographs over short
periods at minimal cost (e.g., to cover constantly changing product
lines, changing real-estate properties, etc.).
12. You have a need for strict confidentiality (nude photos, undercover
investigative work, etc.).
13. You take lots of pictures around your house and home.
14. You prefer--or at least you don't mind--viewing photos on a computer
monitor or television screen.
15. You want to be able to check your photos, at least approximately,
immediately after taking them, instead of waiting for them to be
developed.
16. You do not take very long exposures (as in astrophotography).
17. You cannot stand any hint of grain in your photos.
18. You prefer a camera with just one lens that you can use for
everything.
19. You don't mind--or you prefer--looking at and perhaps purchasing a
new camera every so often, just to keep up with developments.
20. You enjoy taking pictures very casually, looking at them with
friends, and then discarding them, at minimal cost (e.g., parties and
other social gatherings).
--
Transpose hotmail and mxsmanic in my e-mail address to reach me directly.
[Ed. note: Hopefully, I'm not the only one who thinks a soft aerial
lens is funny; keep in mind these lenses were kilobuck optics, no effort spared.. ;-)]
From: artkramr@aol.com (ArtKramr)
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.large-format
Date: 07 May 2003
Subject: Re: Heliar vs tessar?
>Subject: Re: Heliar vs tessar?
>From: "Richard Knoppow" dickburk@ix.netcom.com
>Date: 5/6/03 10:51 PM Pacific
>The curves of Harting's original are shown and don't look as bad as
>Kingslake makes out.
Kingslake was right. But he was only expressing the common wisdom of the time
as expressed by photographers who had used the lens.
About the only other company to exploit the Heliar type
>lens was Dallmeyer of England with the Pentac, designed by
>Lionel Booth. This was a well respected lens but I've never
>personally had one.
Ah the Pentac. The poor miserable Pentac. The bests known was the 8" F/2.9
designed for RAF aerial cameras and sold by the thousands after the war. It was
grabbed up by those of us who wanted a fast lens and mounted on Speed
Graphics for use shooitng 4x5 color by available light. I had one and all
those who had one lamented that its major flaw. It was soft. A soft aerial recon
lens? The mind boggles. There will always be an England. (sheesh)
Arthur Kramer
Visit my WW II B-26 website at:
http://www.coastcomp.com/artkramer
[Ed. note: this time, the joke may be on us; anybody gotten any "Drop Dead" replies? ;-)]
Date: Tue, 24 Jun 2003
To: nikon@photo.cis.to
From: Henry Posner henryp@bhphotovideo.com
Subject: [Nikon] Re: Beach Camera, was (no subject)
you wrote:
>The Better Business Bureau says that Beach Camera has a satisfactory rating,
To get a Satisfactory rating, the retailer has to respond to customer
complaints filed via the BBB. If the response is, "Drop dead please," it's
still a response and fulfills the basic requirement.
-- -
regards,
Henry Posner
B&H; Photo-Video, and Pro-Audio Inc.
http://www.bhphotovideo.com
From: John Stafford john@stafford.net
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.large-format
Subject: Re: View and Field
Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2003
A camera in the field is a field camera
A field in the camera is a view
A view in the camera is a field
A camera in the view is a pain in the ass
From leica mailing list:
Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2003
From: grduprey@rockwellcollins.com
Subject: [Leica] OT: was Apology now Dallas Driving
In an effort to inject a bit of levity:
A Guide to Dallas Driving:
First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS
depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.
Next, if your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy
anew one. If in Denton County and your Mapsco is one day old, then it is
already obsolete.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version
of traffic rules..."Hold on and pray".
There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all
drive like that.
All directions start with, "Get on Beltline"... which has no beginning and
no end. (It REALLY DOESN"T!!!)
The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 3 to
7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out
and possibly shot.
When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the
light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers
running the red light in cross-traffic.
Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of
entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that we have added George Bush
Freeway and the High Five to the mix.
All unfamiliar sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort
Worth!"
If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory
defect.
Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators, and remember, its legal to
be armed in Texas.
All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way.
Period...and remember, its legal to be armed in Texas.
Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road, Marsh Lane,
Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road...all mysteriously change names as
you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples). The perfect
example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road. On the south end it is known
as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes
Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave, Ave K, and
Highway 5. It ends in Sherman.
A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours,
although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The
minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less
is considered downright sissy.
It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST
Highway. Don't let this confuse you.
The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR. It also ends in
Sherman.
LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."
If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If it's 10 degrees
and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on. If it's rained
6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second
round (if it's Spring) or it is the Texas State Fair (if it's Fall).
Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc. are
conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow
for ample parking on grassy areas.
Final Warning: Don't Mess With Texas Drivers, and remember, its legal to be
armed in Texas.
From: Jim Hutchison james@jamesphotography.ca
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.medium-format
Subject: Photography web sites should be fun too...
Date: Mon, 14 Jul 2003
Just new: I've added a humour page, as well as a prize offer to every
1000th visitor to my web site. Photographers DO have a lighter
side... ;-)
http://www.jamesphotography.ca
jim h
From: contaxman@aol.comnospam (Lewis Lang)
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.35mm
Date: 30 Aug 2003
Subject: Re: .
This is your "."
This "!"
is your "." on Viagra
This is your mind
"."
This is your mind on drugs
"_"
This is the content of rec.photo.equipment.35mm
"."
This is rec.photo.equipment.35mm under attack by trolls
" "
Lewis
P.S. - Mark, you've got to lear how to use more brevity. Why use "." when you
could just as easily say the exact same thing with ""
Something to consider""
Check out my photos at "LEWISVISION":
http://members.aol.com/Lewisvisn/home.htm
From: "Nicholas O. Lindan" nolindan@ix.netcom.com
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.large-format
Subject: Re: Replacement beamspliter material
Date: Mon, 22 Dec 2003
"Richard Knoppow" dickburk@ix.netcom.com wrote
> "Nicholas O. Lindan" nolindan@ix.netcom.com wrote in
> > Richard wrote:
> > > [Progressive Peoples' Socialist Republic
> > > revolutionary struggle against poor rangefinder
> > > contrast adopted by neo-fellow traveler.]
> > Shades [cough] of a Fed 5. Clear glass for the beam
> > splitter and a heavy ND [or color] filter for the main
> > rf window;
> The trick works is all I can say. Certainly its better to
> get a proper replacement beam splitter mirror
Aha! The true solution for the running dog capitalist lackeys
of the imperialist Hollywood bourgeoisie is to go to
http://www.surplusshed.com/pages/item/m2068.html
where one can obtain gold (mined by oppressed members
of the exploited peoples of the world) sputtered
beam splitters left from the spoils of the
jack-booted army of American world domination and
third world oppression, and sold to the exploited masses
at the rapacious price of $0.75 (10 for a $5.50).
From one 4.25" x 2" splitter one should be able
to make 200 or so .2" square splitters, thereby
making obscene profits from the repair of the
republic's rangefinders.
> but sometimes one must makeshift in the
> entrepreneurial capitalist free-market tradition.
And live of the surplus value derived from the labor of
the downtrodden working peoples of the world?
...
--
Nicholas O. Lindan, Cleveland, Ohio nolindan@ix.netcom.com
Consulting Engineer: Electronics; Informatics; Photonics.
From nikon MF mailing list:
Date: Mon, 01 Dec 2003
From: Randy Holst mrvolvo@cableone.net
Subject: Re: Re: AF choice for an MF old-timer
drjh68 wrote:
> As another possibly imminent old-timer (when does old-time start?)
> here is my story on this.
[snip]
You're an old-timer if you fit into at least 5 of the following 10
categories:
1. You know what Panatomic-X is.
2. The last motorcycle you owned didn't have an electric starter.
3. You know what EPOI stands for.
4. You never owned a car/truck with an automatic transmission.
5. You know what the 20/36 window on a Nikon F frame counter is for.
6. Everyone at work refers to you as the "old guy".
7. You still rack the aperture ring back and forth after mounting a
lens.
8. Everyone at work brings their questions to you because they want the
RIGHT answer (even though you're the "old guy").
9. You remember when envelopes of lens tissue at camera stores and road
maps at gas stations were free.
10. You still think that "digital" describes something you operate with
your finger.
Randy Holst
Boise, Idaho
From: leica-bounce@freelists.org on behalf of Peter Klein
Sent: Fri 5/28/2004
To: lug@leica-users.org;
Subject: Parody: "I Am a Total Devotee of Leica M Photography"
"I Am A Total Devotee of Leica M Photography"
Copyright (c) 2004 Peter A. Klein
Sung to the tune of "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General"
Apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan
- - - - -
Scene: A photographic gathering in a posh metropolitan hotel. The
Master Amateur is holding forth on the glories of Leica. He is dressed
in a battered old raincoat and a French beret. In his hand is a
battered M3 covered with black tape. He is surrounded by a chorus of
paunchy middle-aged men, each wearing an enormous autofocus SLR with
zoom lens. The lenses bounce on their bellies when they sing.
- - - - -
(MASTER AMATEUR)
I am a total devotee of Leica M photography.
I will not buy a digicam, I won't do videography.
I read the work of Lager with his product list canonical.
I'll never use a plastic lens with focus ultrasonical.
I look at other cameras with an attitude that's whimsical.
I do not want an SLR with viewing pentaprimsical.
The look of glass from Asia makes me squint my eyes and squirm a knee.
I'd rather get my lenses from a little town in Germany.
(CHORUS)
He'd rather get his lenses from a little town in Germany.
He'd rather get his lenses from a little town in Germany.
He'd rather get his lenses from a little town in Germa-Germa-ny.
(MASTER AMATEUR)
I will never put my camera on a tripod that is teetering.
I cannot understand the need for modern matrix metering.
Look back upon my history, it's all in my biography:
I am a total devotee of Leica M photography.
(CHORUS)
Look back upon his history, it's all in his biography:
He is a total devotee of Leica M photography.
(MASTER AMATEUR)
I love my Leica cameras with passion that's tyrannical
A rangefinder, a floating frame, and everything mechanical.
The shutter curtain's rubberized, and fashioned from the finest silk.
The lenses have a bokeh that is smooth as summer buttermilk.
My fifty f-two Summicron takes landscapes that are lyrical.
I pierce the gloomy shadows with my Summilux aspherical.
I must have Leica quality although it costs me lots o' bucks.
I bought a ninety APO, I'm saving for a Noctilux.
He bought a ninety APO, he's saving for a Noctilux.
He bought a ninety APO, he's saving for a Noctilux.
He bought a ninety APO, he's saving for a Nocti-Nocti-lux.
I develop all my Tri-X film in acid that's ascorbical.
I try to make my photos have a reference metaphorbical.
And so throughout my history, you'll find in my biography:
I am a total devotee of Leica M photography.
(CHORUS)
And so throughout his history, we find in his biography:
He is a total devotee of Leica M photography.
(MASTER AMATEUR)
I want to be like Eisenstadt and Smith and Frank and HCB.
I take my Christmas photos in a style that's documentary.
I never shoot at weathered rocks and twisted trees and gnats and logs.
There's universal pathos in my pictures of my cats and dogs.
I lurk in bars and coffeshops, and stalk the streets with Delphic glee.
To shoot unwary passers-by with Leica mounted pelvically.
But when I spy a plant that has a lovely flower's bloom upon.
I take a dazzling close-up with my dual-ranging Summicron.
(CHORUS)
He takes a dazzling close-up with his dual-ranging Summicron.
He takes a dazzling close-up with his dual-ranging Summicron.
He takes a dazzling close-up with his dual-ranging Summi-Summi-cron.
(MASTER AMATEUR)
And although I've tried the other brands they always are inferior.
They can't resolve the fuzz upon a baby's bare posterior.
That's why throughout my history, you'll find in my biography:
I am a total devotee of Leica M photography.
(CHORUS)
That's why throughout his history, you'll find in his biography:
He is a total devotee of Leica M photography.
------------
--Peter Klein
Seattle, WA
From: leica-bounce@freelists.org on behalf of luis
Sent: Sun 5/2/2004
To: leica@freelists.org
Subject: Re: leica USING photographers....
[ DISCLAIMER: I you're in a blissful conjugal union where buying Leicas doesb't raise eyebrows, read no further. ]
Luis' Top Ten Leica Stealth-Buying strategies.
10.- Out of sight, out of mind: Never put your cameras on display. This is good for the ego, suicidal for sequential acquisitions.
Hide the hardware, preferably in drab and locked Pelican/Tundra/'burton cases in a closet. Buy several (3) cases from the outset,
all the same model and color. Stash the stuff there. Be sure to let it be known all the important papers (specially the marriage certificate)
are in one of those cases, family albums in another (In case fire breaks out when you're not home ).
9,- Resist the Silas Marner impulse of laying _all_ your stuff out and geeking wildly. From the hard cases into a raggeddy-looking,
stained Domke (NO Billinghams ! They look too much like purses, and attract attention) and back. When she says: "that bag is so
ratty looking", it's time to method-act, look downcast and mutter "new ones are expensive, honey. Why, this one has years left in it."
Hell, she might even _buy you_ the Billingham !
8.- Monotony masks Gluttony: Stay with all chrome or black bodies, tape over the Leica logos.
It's a good idea to pick up a Russian Fed, and talk a lot about how it's almost like a Leica, but a lot less reliable, yet affordable. To the
uninitiated, they all look alike.
7.- The Old-Fashioned Way: ALWAYS pay cash or MO if possible. Credit cards lead right back to you, and if you must use plastic,
get a new card, and PO Box to go with it for the bill.
6.- Saving Grace: Create a slush fund. Start stashing money away on a regular basis. This will set you up for those unexpected E Bay
items or when some irresistible objet d' desire pops up at the local store.
5.- Ricky, LOSE that number: Never give your home number while working on a deal. The last thing you need is someone calling up
and having the Spousal Unit picking up the phone. Use your cell or office number.
4.- Special Delivery: Have all deliveries made to your office or a single friends' house. All those incoming boxes spike spousal curiosity.
Bring the stuff in when no one's home.
3.- Go Slumming: Leave the exotica home when on vacation with the Significant Other. The last thing you want is some wide-eyed,
admiring Leicaphiliac running up to the two of you, and breathlessly remarking: "WOW ! The new Noctilux f/0.85, shade signed by
Ted Grant !!! LOOK AT THAT !!!! Is that extra quarter-stop really worth the ELEVEN GRAND ?". Take the exotica while on your own,
or with "the guys". Buy a brace of sound, but scarred beaters for vacation and high-risk use.
2.- It's all relative. Make it a point to take fabulous portraits of the in-laws at every opportunity, and present them with framed prints at
get-togethers. Aw-shucks the effusive praise, remarking "It's my camera, really".
And the #1 is....
1.- Give and Take: If all else fails, sacrifice a chunk of the slush fund. A pre-emptive strike on the Karmic Wheel can work wonders.
Something like....."I was waiting at the corner, thinking of you, and saw these shoes that would look grand with your feet in them.
Some weird brand, Manolo Blahniks, kind of a splurge, but I'd forgotten your shoe size. Why don't we do lunch tomorrow at this cute,
new place I saw and stop by & pick up the shoes ? ".
After that, or something like it, you can openly get away with murder, acquisition-wise.. If short on cash, some kind of previously
procrastinated-on Herculaean task (check the honey-do list) can be substituted for the counterbalance purchase.
--- Luis
From: Mxsmanic mxsmanic@hotmail.com
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.medium-format
Subject: Re: high end DSLR buyers shafted? Re: Anti-digital backlash
Date: Fri, 02 Jul 2004
Neil Gould writes:
> You're in a fortunate situation! OTOH, it may be that the digital labs are
> grossly overcharging for their services, limiting your options.
One good definition of a pro lab is a lab that grossly overcharges for
its services.
--
Transpose hotmail and mxsmanic in my e-mail address to reach me directly
Date: Sun, 1 Aug 2004
From: Bob Shell bob@bobshell.com
Subject: Re: [Russiancamera] Kiev Light Leak
To: russiancamera-user@beststuff.com
Gene wrote:
> My cases have that familiar "Kiev odor." I guess the yak hide leather was
> tanned with some really vile stuff. Oh, well...
Leather cases for some Chinese cameras have a characteristic odor as
well. The leather is tanned with ox urine.
Bob
From Manual SLR Mailing List:
Date: Tue, 21 Oct 2003
From: Dante Stella dante@umich.edu
Subject: Camera Show Counter-FAQ
Camera Show Counter-FAQ
-------------------------------------
Based on the Detroit Photorama shows I have been to (maybe 10 over 10
years), maybe Detroit (or actually its suburbs) is a lot rougher than
LA. To save you the trouble of observing all of these (so you can
actually find the one obscure $2 part you are really looking for - and
paid $5 to see - remind you of the lottery?), here are the typologies
of people:
1. A couple of guys with Rubbermaid bins of parts cameras. And I
really mean parts cameras. Parts, cameras, parts of cameras. Parts is
parts.
2. A few more of the above with Rubbermaid bins full of crap - even
using the most charitable definition of crap (for example, busted
Canonets with battery acid everywhere).
3. Some optimists who believe that Pentax K lenses are worth as much as
$100 for a 50/1.8. They usually tape xeroxes of the manufacturers'
logos to the cheapo generic lens caps they attach.
4. Some Chicago dealers who think that F4s are made of gold; $800 for
one with the shutter speeds worn off? Come on.
5. Some oldsters with brass view camera lenses. De gustibus non
disputandum est. Did I mention vintage girly pics, too?
6. Your local dealers who couldn't sell M2s for $1,400 in their stores
so they decided to take the show on the road. Well, if that's out of
your price range, I have this sandpapered Summar with an aftermarket
coating for $100.
7. People who have a plexiglas fetish. Sorry if you think human skin
secretions (or breath) are going to melt that $900(!) Fuji 645 folder.
8. People with a shrinkwrap fetish. Because the best way to test a
Metrastar meter is through polyethylene.
9. Fat guys in fishing/photo vests. Exhibitors or visitors? Hard to
say.
10. One fat guy's wife. Someone's got to watch the whole table full of
50/4 EL-Nikkors.
11. Two younger guys hiding behind 5x7 enlargers. Wow, the perfect
impulse buy. The enlargers, I mean.
12. Very occasionally, a guy selling filters or other trinkets cheaply.
You never see the same one twice.
13. Someone who thinks that expired Vericolor from 1988 is all the
rage. And prices it that way.
14. You.
When you get out of these things, wash your hands, count your fingers,
and make sure your wallet is still in your pocket.
[Ed. note: in response to Stephen Gandy's Camera Show FAQ]
From Kiron Klub mailing list:
Date: Fri, 6 Aug 2004
From: KironKid@aol.com
Subject: Pablo-On Photography
I have discovered photography. Now I can kill myself. I have nothing else
to learn.
-- Pablo Picasso
From minolta mailing list:
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 2003
From: "edriceus" edriceus@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: TYPOS: how bad can we spill and still be red?
--- In Minolta@yahoogroups.com, "Peter Blaise Monahon
peterblaise@y..." peterblaise@y... wrote:
> Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
> mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
> iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the
> rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll
> raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos
> not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
>
> My typing ain't so bad after all! ;-)
> Click!
> Love and hugs,
> Peter Blaise Monahon
Cute! sort of a takeoff on this -
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/bondono2/WebJokes/Joke0031.html
Ed
From: hemi4268@aol.com (Hemi4268)
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.medium-format
Date: 06 Aug 2004
Subject: Re: This DOF thang
>Ah!
>Fuzzy concept, that DOF-thing. Isn't it?
Thats why they call it the "Circle of Confusion". The discussions on it go
around and around in a Circle in Confusion thus CoC. If you could understand
it, it would not be called Circle of Confussion. It would be called the Circle
of Clearness.
Larry
> Okay, I've started out this hopefully humorous listing with 30
> reasons, off the top of my head ............
(World Institution Master Photographers)
Date: Fri, 24 Mar 2000
From: Bob Shell bob@bobshell.com
Subject: Re: [Rollei] off list urinol
Date: Fri, 24 Mar 2000
From: Stanley E Yoder syoder+@andrew.cmu.edu
Subject: [Rollei] Re: sales humor (was 'off list urinol')
Date: Sat, 25 Mar 2000
From: Bob Shell bob@bobshell.com
Subject: Re: [Rollei] off list urinol
Date: Mon, 15 May 2000
From: Jim Brick jimbrick@photoaccess.com
Subject: [Leica] Re: B&W; in high contrast situations
No densitometer needed.
No "N" plus or minus stuff to remember.
- -----------------------------------------------------------
It is light overcast-ish, light shadows. But good light direction. Normal
open contrast.
Expose normal (eg; Tri-X @ 400,) develop normal.
It is dismally overcast, no shadows. Perhaps even drizzle. No
contrast.
Underexpose one stop (eg; Tri-X @ 800,) over develop 20%
The sun is out, sky is clear, and there are blatant shadows. High
contrast.
Overexpose one stop (eg; Tri-X @ 200,) under develop 20%
The sun is squinty bright and the shadows really deep. Really high
contrast.
Go in and go back to bed.
Overexpose two stops (eg; Tri-X @ 100,) under develop 30%
Date: Mon, 29 May 2000
From: Jim Brick jim@brick.org
Subject: [Leica] Good news Bad news
Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2000
From: OWL@uk.ibm.com
Subject: [NIKON] Buildqualititis (was: F5 or 17-35 AF-S?)
> ... today I finally saw and handled the first F80 I've seen
> in Vancouver and quite honestly and absolutely no offence to
> those who already own it, I was rather disgusted with the
> build quality of it and decided on the spot not to even
> contemplate it anymore....
>
> (I moved up to the F100 from a F90x and F70 and since I've
> been there and done that, I don't want to buy either of those
> bodies again either).
Dr John Owlett, Southampton, UK
Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2000
From: "Paradiso" paradiso@primus.ca
Subject: [NIKON] RE: Buildqualititis (and other ailments)
Vancouver, BC
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 2000
From: John Collier jbcollier@home.com
Subject: FW: [Leica] A Holiday Rerun
Date: Thu, 23 Dec 1999
To: leica-users@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
Subject: [Leica] A Holiday Rerun
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the LUG
We each took our Leicas and gave them a hug.
Stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes a new Summicron soon would be there.
Spouses were nestled all snug in their beds
As "No more money on lenses!" danced through their heads.
I sat at the computer to read one more post
Made to the list I enjoy reading the most,
When out on the roof there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my keyboard to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutter and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Made me think what a great shot my Leica could show,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a minature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick.
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
The shot of a lifetime, as he looked out so nice.
Back to the computer. I needed advice!
"Are you there, Marc? And Lucien?" I typed oh so quick.
"Help me Harrison, Roger, Erwin, Eric!
Tell what you would use, Ted. Which lens would be handy?
I want to capture great shadows, like Tina Manley.
Any thoughts from you, Alastair? B.D.? Hans? Dan?
If any can help me, I know the LUG can!"
Bill was first to respond. "Just between friends,
I'd use an M6 with a Summilux lens."
"The 35 'Lux!" wrote Eric. "It's my go-getter!"
"Use the 'Cron," wrote Erwin. "My tests show it's better."
"One moment," wrote Ted. "Let's cut straight to the crux.
We're talking low light. You need a Noctilux."
"You'll want distance," Marc wrote, "so he won't know what's next.
I'd use a long lens with a Visoflex."
"Use an R8," wrote Pascal. "It meters just right."
"But M finders," wrote Duane, "will see into the night."
"Use an M with no plastic," Don R. wrote, "and be wise!"
To which the rest of the LUG just rolled their eyes.
"What else?" I then posted. "It can't look out of kilter."
"Then," wrote Jim Brick, "don't use a UV filter."
As I looked up from the screen, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes, how they twinkled. His dimples, how merry.
A 75 Summilux! This scene it would carry.
So I grabbed my M6 and looked through the viewfinder,
Then took two quick shots thanks to Tom's Rapidwinder.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
St. Nick looked at me. "What's that?" he said.
"My camera," I answered. "Your photo I took."
"No you didn't," he said. "There was no flash...I looked.
And nary a sound. It is broken, alas.
I'll leave you a new one. A Pentax, perhaps?"
"No, it's fine. It's a Leica," I said. "It's the best.
"Fast lens and it's quiet. With you I'd not jest."
"Let me see that," he said. "Is it easy to use?"
"Set exposure and focus," I said. "You can't lose."
"My picture?" he asked. "It will turn out? You know?"
"And," I did tell him, "have that Leica glow."
As St. Nick touched the camera, his heart it did race.
When one falls for a Leica: That look crossed his face.
"My gift list must change!" he said, touching his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"An M6 for all, and to all a good-night!"
I peered out my window, then yelled like I was daft,
"And with each body please bring us a 35 ASPH!"
Date: Thu, 24 Aug 2000
From: "R. Peters" torx@nwrain.net
Subject: [Rollei] Famous Rollei Users: Snow White
Date: Tue, 08 Aug 2000
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.large-format
Subject: Photographing Fires
Date: Sat, 2 Sep 2000
From: COHIBA7@aol.com
Subject: Re: photographers
who thought all with Hassies a loser.
But while traveling he found
there was no lens around,
So now he's a Hasselblad chooser!
Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2000
From: Jim Brick jim_brick@agilent.com
Subject: [Leica] Re: A modest proposal.
Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2000
From: Jim Brick jim_brick@agilent.com
Subject: [Leica] RE: A modest proposal.
Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2000
From: Jim Brick jim_brick@agilent.com
Subject: [Leica] RE: A modest proposal.
Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000
From: "Dan Post" dpost@triad.rr.com
Subject: Re: [Leica] RE: A modest proposal
I'm sure it'll actually get by,
But it was such a strain
that I am in pain,
and think I'll larf till I cry!
Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000
From: "Dan Post" dpost@triad.rr.com
Subject: Re: [Leica] Re: A modest proposal.
I don't want to end up blue.
I really can't bear it,
I really must share it,
That this is more fun than a...LTM!
Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000
From: "Dan Post" dpost@triad.rr.com
Subject: Re: [Leica] RE: A modest proposal.
I read it right up to the end,
But I shuddered in fright,
to imagine the sight
of a Nocti rolling end over end! :o(
rec.photo.technique.nature
Date: Sun Oct 15 2000
From: "Bob Talbot" BobTalbot@st-abbs.fsnet.co.uk
[1] Beginners Guide to Professional Wildlife Photography
Date: Sat Oct 14 2000
From: notavailable@not.ca (erythi)
[1] Bad Press - a hilarious novel about a photgrapher....
From: Paolo Pignatelli paolop@snet.net
To: hasselblad@kelvin.net
Subject: RE: Question about real need of a vacuum back...
Date: Fri, 03 Nov 2000
From: "Todd Peach" tpeach@gte.net
Subject: Re: Collectors, users and bargain hunters
> Todd wrote:
>> We
> >have collectors, we have users, and we have folks who just love to buy
> >30 year old equipment dirt cheap and go forth to make tack sharp images
> >with it.
[snip]
> I'm just trying to work out which category I fall into.
[snip]
-Todd
Date: Fri, 10 Nov 2000
From: Jim Brick jim_brick@agilent.com
Subject: [Leica] Re: Sensitometry and gradation
Date: Wed, 29 Nov 2000
From: Bob Shell bob@bobshell.com
Subject: Re: [CONTAX] Meaning of Contax designation
> From: Oon Chin Hin engp8922@nus.edu.sg
> Reply-To: contax@photo.cis.to
> Date: Wed, 29 Nov 2000
> To: "'contax@photo.cis.to'" contax@photo.cis.to
> Subject: [CONTAX] Meaning of Contax designation
>
> The whole S designation originated from the original Contax which was an
> excellent hardworking workhorse but not very intelligent due to lack of
> automation and their stubborness in refusing to change it. So it was born
> the first Contax Ass 60 years ago or shortened Contax S, which fitted the
> description nicely. Lately they have come out with another camera based on
> the same ideology as the first one "Lack of automation (not very smart),
> stubborn but a good workhorse" and was christianed "Contax Ass Too" or
> shorterned to Contax S2. The same goes for it's cousin " Contax Ass To Be or
> Contax S2B". They have also made a camera that made everybody who bought it
> look like donkeys for buying such a stupid thing and called it the "Contax
> Ass Thee" or Contax ST. I hope with this explanation you guys are more clear
> now.
>
> Contax RX were quite expensive and was christianed Contax Are Expensive (or
> shortened to Contax Are Ex". There was one camera that not designed together
> with Porsche but instead they had chosen another designer for elegance and
> class in fashion, Armani Exchange. There for it is no suprise the origin of
> the Contax AX had a heavy hand in terms of being fashionable.
>
> The latest from Contax the Contax N, was intended as a sentence which will
> leave the user in suspense "Contax And ...............", which it did when
> they released the camera but not the lens, leaving everyone in suspense on
> the performance of the system.
>
> Member of the Catgang,
> Oon
From: Kelvin kelvinlee@pacific.net.sg
To: Deric & Stephanie Soh beetroot@singnet.com.sg,
Charles_Lau@amat.com
Cc: Robert Monaghan rmonagha@post.cis.smu.edu
Subject: Fw: [PUGW] [Fwd: [Acg] A Camera Collectors Musings...]
> -------- Original Message --------
> Subject: [Acg] A Camera Collectors Musings...
> Date: Tue, 19 Dec 2000
> From: Dave J Hamer DaveHamer@compuserve.com
>
> To all in ACG:
> Pardon my presumptiveness...but thought you might enjoy the following
> which
> I've reworked as the snow piles up here in Nebraska and the holidays
> draw
> near. Dave in Omaha
>
>
>
> A CAMERA COLLECTORS MUSINGS...(with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)
>
> T'was the night before Christmas and through the collection
> The cameras were resting...and deep in reflection.
>
> Of days gone by and super sharp exposures
> With R.F.'s and ground glass...and even tape measures.
>
> Row upon row with lenses agleam.
> Viewfinders all bright...they make quite a team.
>
> An Ektra, a Contax, Retina and Tower,
> A Canon, a Leica and even a Bower.
>
> Univex, Keystone, Cine-Kodaks four-score.
> Filmos and Bolex, and a whole lot more.
>
> Some great Six-20's, some sweet Six-16's,
> Double Oughts and others, ne'er more to be seen.
>
> Diana's and Cub's and Perfex galore.
> Oh yes, and Instamatics all over the floor!
>
> Bantam's and Pony's and Brownies so cute.
> Boxes and folders...some in colors to boot.
>
> Many an Argus: C-3's and the A,
> A C-4 with Geiss, but, alas no K.
>
> Hit's and Tone's and Crystals too.
> Rolls of old film and bulbs of blue.
>
> The Gift Kodak and Rainbows row on row,
> And of course an Art Deco aptly named Beau.
>
> Most of them work...but there's a bellows a'tatter,
> And a shutter that's slow. But what does it matter?
>
> It's such a great hobby...the search and the chase.
> Acquisitions the thing. The right time. The right place.
>
> It's quiet now with the collection encased.
> The jolly old gentleman is out there in space.
>
> And if Santa is listening and has the desire
> A Super Kodak Six-20 would set me afire.
>
> Some say collecting is naught but just folly.
> But what do they know. I love it by golly!
>
> (Best wishes for the holidays to the great ACG family...Dave in Omaha,
> USA)
> _______________________________________________
> ACG mailing list - ACG@KJSL.COM
> http://WWW.KJSL.COM/mailman/listinfo/acg
Date: Sun, 11 Feb 2001
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.35mm
Subject: TOP TEN REASONS WHY NOT TO OWN A LEICA
9) Nikon F
8) Henry stopped making the model T
7) the company defined going "high tech" when it added light meters
6) 1970's Japanese fixed lens rangefinders
5) Germany also made Practika
4) CL's were really Minolta's
3) $200. Koni-Omega 6x7 rangefinders on ebay
2) Sam Abell switched to Canon
Subject: [CONTAX] OT Leica humor
Date: Sun, 11 Feb 2001
From: "Don Lawrence" donlaw@ev1.net
From: G no@spam.com
Date: Mon Feb 12 2001
Subject: 10 reasons why you should *NOT* use a camera at all
http://spyra.com
Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2001
From: Bob Shell bob@bobshell.com
Subject: Re: [Rollei] Re: Milledgeville
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.35mm
Date: 30 Apr 2001
Subject: Why I own Napkins - NOT Leicas, Nikons, Pentaxes, or any other
camera
Check out my photos at "LEWISVISION":
http://members.aol.com/Lewisvisn/home.htm
From: "Terry Dawson" terry.dawson@att.net
Newsgroups:
alt.photography,rec.photo.digital,rec.photo.misc,rec.photo.technique.misc
Subject: Geek's Glossary of Photographic Terms
Blowup
What account executives do when models are late.
Bracketing
Installing additional shelving in a darkroom or studio.
Candid Photography
Another name for photography done by Frank.
Contact Print
A print made by two or more people in a very small darkroom.
Darkroom
An enclosed room where most darkness is stored.
Depth of Field
How far one's foot sinks into the mud.
Diaphragm
Prevents the birth of identical exposures.
Dodge and Burn
Techniques of a flame-thrower operator in an active war zone.
Double Exposure
Two exhibitionists.
Enlargement
The occasional bane of male glamour photographers.
Existing Light
The opposite of light that does not exist.
Exposure
A condition afflicting nature photographers in winter.
Film
A residue left on everything by the fog machine.
Film Speed
An expression of how interesting or boring the movie was.
Fixer
The lab technician who properly crops the photo.
Focus
What camera store retailers do to us.
Glossary
A factory that adds shine to photographic prints.
Gobo
A really suave or phat tramp.
Hot Shoe
The latest chic footwear.
Latent Image
A reputation you can't seem to shake.
Lens Shade
Designer color of the lens barrel. See "Hot Shoe."
Macro Photography
Photographing certain types of pasta.
Mounted Prints
Pictures of cowboys, horse shows or Canadian police.
Negative
CB talk for "no."
Nude Photography
Pictures taken by a blatant exhibitionist.
Parallax
Two slackers.
Photoflood
An excessive amount of photographs.
Scrim
The remaining negatives after the best shots have been removed. As in scrimmed milk.
Shutter
The most common reaction to camera prices. See "Focus."
Shutter Speed
A reliable measure of the camera's expense. See "Shutter."
Telephoto Lens
An accessory for the latest digital cell phones.
Tripod
A species of photographer with an extra foot.
Umbrella
A handy accessory when the hot studio lights trigger the fire sprinkler system.
My Digital Photography Pages
http://digital.photography.home.att.net/
From Rangefinder Mailing List:
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001
From: Ray Reese sandbasser@hotmail.com
Subject: Abbreviations -
^5 - High Five
addy - address (as in eMail)
ADN - Any Day Now
AFAIK - As Far As I Know
AFK - Away From Keyboard
AKA - Also Known As (also a/k/a)
ARE - Acronym-Rich Environment
ATM - According To Me
ATTN - Attention
BAK - Back At the Keyboard
BBIAB - Be Back In A Bit
BBL - Be Back Later
BBS - Be Back Soon
Date: Sat, 21 Jul 2001
From: Tony Polson tony.polson@btinternet.com
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.35mm
Subject: Re: Candidates for "Worst SLR Award"?
> there seems to be a lot of discussion about what makes a good
> SLR, recommendations, sparring and so on, but I thought it'd be
> interesting to look at the other end of the spectrum: the truly
> dreadful cameras, the real turkeys, the ones with no redeeming
> features. I don't really mean things like the 90-quid cheapies,
> the Russian armour-plated ones or the Nikon F5 "because the Canon
> 1V is Fabulous(TM)" or the EOS1v "because the Nikon F5 ..." etc.
> I'm just interested in the ones that were (or are) so bad that
> they're universally hated... or even those that're mostly hated
> but have their supporters because of some bizarre quirk.
Tony Polson
From: Ken kence@idworld.net
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.medium-format
Subject: Re: What is the smallest Medium Format Point and Shoot?
> Quick! Get me to a 12-step group before it's too late! I thought I
> was having fun and it turns out that I'm a closet masochist! Oh, the
> indignity of it all. The shame. What will the neighbors think?
> "Hello. My name is Mark and I...
Ken
Date: Fri, 4 May 2001
From: Edward Meyers aghalide@panix.com
Subject: Re: [Rollei] Old Zeiss-Ikon TLR in TV commercial
From: Paul Rubin phr-n2002a@nightsong.com>
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.35mm
Subject: Re: Disquieting PO tip
Date: 09 Jan 2002
"Joseph Shark" lambchop@burgerstand.com> writes:
> I always figured something like this was going on at the PO. UPS I know
> suffers from disgruntled employes or whatever their problem is. I have
> received so many UPS packages with dents all over them it's not even funny.
> I have always shipped packages low profile eg no warning signs of any kind,
> I figured it just attracts attetion. I ship tropical fish from time to time,
> and one of the things I never do is label the box with any special handling
> instructions, and to date I haven't had any probs.
I knew a guy who labelled his packages "fragile--please throw UNDERHAND"
and he never had probs either.
Date: Thu, 10 Jan 2002
From: "Francis A. Miniter" miniter@attglobal.net>
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.large-format
Subject: Re: My 1st LF camera - Today
Hi Joe,
Thought you might enjoy this post from early 2000.
This list was originally compiled by famed LF guru Dusty Lisco.
Mr. Lisco writes:
You know you're not ready for large format if:
The first 4x5 accessory you want is a roll back.
You wonder where the "A" for "automatic" is on your shutter.
You return the camera because the images all appear upside down.
You don't know film notches from nachos.
You are pretty sure you rode the Schleimflug at Six Flags and it was fun.
You have no idea why there is a camel-hair brush with the used holders you
bought, so you throw it away.
You only want to work with a changing bag, because you have no 100% dark
room.
All your shooting is hand-held.
You don't like to draw attention with your camera.
You think "spotting" has something to do with birds.
You keep opening the lens on your Speed Graphic, but STILL can't see an
image on the back screen.
You really don't want to invest any more in a tripod, so you use the one
that came with your camcorder.
You can't understand why Walgreens doesn't carry the film you need.
You can't understand why Walgreens won't process your film.
When you do find someone to process your film, you give them the holders.
You heard that swings and tilts are sexual aberrations, so you don't ask
about them.
Ditto with bellows extensions.
You miss film counters.
You think the Zone System has to do with baseball pitchers.
From: Don Wallace (don.wallace@nlc-bnc.ca)
Subject: Re: Really ready for LF???
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.large-format
Date: 2000/02/29
While this is hysterically funny, I am embarrassed because a few of these
apply to me. Never mind which ones.
How about a few more?
You use a dark bath towel for a dark cloth and can't go out shooting
if your wife does the laundry on the wrong day.
You miss the dof preview button.
You are disappointed when your huge camera only makes a barely
audible click when you trip the shutter (i.e., no cool motor
drive sounds, flipping mirrors, etc)
Don Wallace
From: "Michael C. Daily" mcdaily@iquest.net>
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.large-format
Subject: Re: My 1st LF camera - Today
Date: Thu, 10 Jan 2002
You know you are not ready for Large format if:
You miss the cute little metal film cassettes,
You can't find the sprocket holes,
You can't get the lab to put your images on a CD for an extra $2.95,
Your can opener won't get a grip on the filmholders and you can't figure
out how else to open them.
You open the filmholder in the light just to be sure you loaded it
correctly,
And then there is 8x10--take your truss in a couple of notches and go
for it!
--Michael
"J. M. Ferreira" wrote:
>
> Humour!! At last!!
>
> One more to add would be:
>
> "You know you're not ready for large format if:"
>
> You don't like tourists taking pictures of you taking pictures.
>
> JMF
>
> "Francis A. Miniter" wrote:
>
> > Hi Joe,
> >
> > Thought you might enjoy this post from early 2000.
> >
> > This list was originally compiled by famed LF guru Dusty Lisco.
> >
> > Mr. Lisco writes:
> >
> > You know you're not ready for large format if:
> >
> > The first 4x5 accessory you want is a roll back.
> > You wonder where the "A" for "automatic" is on your shutter.
> > You return the camera because the images all appear upside down.
> > You don't know film notches from nachos.
> > You are pretty sure you rode the Schleimflug at Six Flags and it was fun.
> > You have no idea why there is a camel-hair brush with the used holders you
> > bought, so you throw it away.
> > You only want to work with a changing bag, because you have no 100% dark
> > room.
> > All your shooting is hand-held.
> > You don't like to draw attention with your camera.
> > You think "spotting" has something to to with birds.
> > You keep opening the lens on your Speed Graphic, but STILL can't see an
> > image on the back screen.
> > You really don't want to invest any more in a tripod, so you use the one
> > that came with your camcorder.
> > You can't understand why Walgreens doesn't carry the film you need.
> > You can't understand why Walgreens won't process your film.
> > When you do find someone to process your film, you give them the holders.
> > You heard that swings and tilts are sexual aberrations, so you don't ask
> > about them.
> > Ditto with bellows extensions.
> > You miss film counters.
> > You think the Zone System has to do with baseball pitchers.
Date: Fri, 30 Nov 2001
To: rollei@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
From: Marc James Small msmall@roanoke.infi.net>
Subject: Re: [Rollei] Items FS 30 NOV 01
Bob Shell wrote:
>Huh? Suppressed Leica brochure? Tell me more, Marc.
The original German edition happened to show a female pianist's nipples in
a shot over her shoulder. The US Leica folks were most offended and asked
to have the brochure reprinted, and it was, with existing stocks of the old
brochure being destroyed. These come from the stash of the late, and
deeply lamented, Bob Schwalberg.
Marc
msmall@roanoke.infi.net
From: "Mxsmanic" mxsmanic@hotmail.com
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.35mm
Subject: Re: The cheap philosophy
Date: Sat, 29 Dec 2001
"Pjtg0707" Pjtg0707@netscape.net> wrote...
> I just came back fom a trip to SF, and it
> rained while I was there while Portland was
> dry! Why does it rain everywhere I go?
Because you are carrying a camera. Several studies have shown a strong
correlation between cameras and the low-pressure systems that produce
rain. For example, when photographers gather to take pictures of an
important, one-of-a-kind outdoor event, often the concentration of
cameras actually produces precipitation. There doesn't seem to be any
way to counteract this effect, which still mystifies scientists. I've
seen it myself on many occasions.
Aggravating factors include attractive scenes, once-in-a-lifetime
shooting opportunities, and expensive equipment. Any or all of these in
conjunction with the presence of a camera can dramatically increase the
chances of a rainstorm. The best way to avoid rain (short of leaving
your camera at home, which always works) is to look for boring scenes,
or pictures that you can shoot again and again any old time; another
option is to use really cheap equipment that takes rotten photos but
resists water effortlessly--this always keeps the sky dry.
Date: Wed, 23 Jan 2002
From: Steve Kramer steve@seatraveler.com>
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.35mm
Subject: Re: Photography. . .Rules to Live by
A1222116 wrote:
>
> I was sitting out on a frozen lake this afternoon, shooting people ice fishing,
> and reached into my bag to grab my notebook and jot down another "deep"
> revelation (ya, right!) about our communal passion. It occurred to me that at
> least some others in the NG must keep these sorts of lists and if you don't
> find it too cheesy, I'd love to hear (hopefully learn) some of the things
> others have come up with over the years.
1. Be optimistic. Even yesterday can get better.
2. Shoot a lot of film. Despite the cost, we are here to get good
pictures, and you can't do that by only shooting a roll a year.
3. Take some lessons, even if they are only from you local Adult Ed
center. Read EVERYTHING you can find about your equipment, your subject,
and the techniques.
4. Listen to other photographers and learn from their mistakes. No sense
re-inventing the wheel.
5. Discovery isn't in seeing new lands; it is seeing with new eyes.
However, new lands are lots of fun. :o)
6. Keep a journal of places and times to return for certain shots.
Sometimes May is much better for flowers than December, and after hiking
three days into the Borneo jungles to shoot a blossoming Raffalasia,
it's a real bummer to discover that it already passed by three weeks
before.
7. Use a flash head diffuser when shooting hookers on Pat Pong Road in
Bangkok. A sharp shadow makes their makeup too stark. Wear good running
shoes. Check with your local paparazzi to find out which brands work
best.
8. Keep your film fresh.
9. Remember our motto: Clean mind, clean body. Take you pick.
10. (And perhaps most important of all) Enjoy what you are doing. It
will come out in your final results.
Steve Kramer
Chiang Mai, Thailand
from russian camera mailing list:
Date: Wed, 13 Feb 2002
From: "ganderfive" ganderfive@yahoo.com
Subject: New mental illness discovered.....Institutionalized Care Recommended!
Atlanta,Georgia......The U.S.Mental Health Association today
announced the discovery of a new form of mental illness, previously
undetected. This malady causes an insatiable desire for Russian
Rangefinder's,SLR's, and Medium format cameras. Bizarre behavior is
reported to include "hiding" said cameras in closets, sleeping with
said cameras, saving twine and packaging materials which accompany
said cameras,( when shipped from Ukraine), and in especially severe
cases....EATING THE TWINE! While unconfirmed, the twine is rumored to
be made from Yakk hair. Upon closer examination, it has been
determined that it isn't Yakk hair at all, but Cow tail hair, as
evidenced by all the cows in Ukraine missing their tails. The number
of cows in Ukraine missing their tails is exceeded only by the
numbers of sufferers missing currency from their wallets!
This mental illness, while progressive and irreversable, is not
fatal. Sufferers have been known to paint their cameras abnormal
colors, cover them with the skins of dead animals (not native to the
country of the cameras origin)and otherwise obsessing over the
cameras well being, while neglecting their own personal health.
Should you suspect the person dear to you is afflicted with this
illness, take the following steps IMMEDIATELY!!!! (1)Carefully
package all Russian Rangefinder Cameras, SLRs and Medium Format
cameras of Russian/Ukrainian origin (2) include in package original
packaging label (the afflicted probably saved it); (3)include in the
package the Cowtail twine (OK Yakk hair!); (4)Mail the contaminated
goods to:
Dr. Michael C. Steele
RRF Syndrome Institute
6004 Lancaster Drive
Flint, Michigan 48532
Doctor Steele is working around the clock to find a cure for this
mental illness, and is attempting to identify the real root cause.
Some researchers attribute the illness to the quality/price ratio of
these fine cameras....some to the mystery associated with the
countries of origin....and some to the biochemical impact the "Yakk
hair twine" is reported to have on the recipient.
The RRF Syndrome Institute is a non-profit organization, dedicated to
ridding the world of this dreaded illness. Shipped materials will not
be resold, mistreated....or returned. The RRF Syndrome Institute is
accepting cash donations to expand it's currently inadequate storage
facility, your support would be appreciated. This donation may or may
not be a tax deductible donation....probably not...but what the
heck!!!
From Contax Mailing List:
Date: Sat, 11 Aug 2001
From: ClassicVW@aol.com
Subject: [CONTAX] A little humor
With all this talk of reliability, I thought these could certainly apply
to
the way cameras are marketed: Newest, latest. best, etc.
George S.
ADVERTISING LINGO
What those advertising terms really mean:
NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as heck.
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.
From russian camera mailing list:
Date: Wed, 07 Nov 2001
From: Bob Shell bob@bobshell.com
Subject: Re: Re: Me and my Kiev
> From: "Tom" tom@tomtiger.net>
> Date: Wed, 07 Nov 2001
> To: russiancamera@yahoogroups.com
> Subject: [russiancamera] Re: Me and my Kiev
>
> One question springs to mind... How does the rubber chicken work?
That's Gary Gladstone's chicken. Gary lives in NYC. I didn't bring mine
this year due to increased airport security.
No one can call himself a professional photographer without a proper
rubber chicken. You wave it over your head prior to each shoot thus
assuring your clients of your professionalism.
The best rubber chickens were made in Spain but the lower priced ones from
Taiwan decimated the Spanish rubber chicken industry and now the Spanish
ones are rare and much sought after, and command high prices when they
make rare appearances on eBay.
The best source of rubber chickens, as well as Viking hats and many other
essential photographic items, is Archie McPhee Company in Seattle.
Check out their web site at www.mcphee.com and look under Best Sellers
for the rubber chickens.
Bob
from russian camera mailing list:
Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2002
From: Bob Shell bob@bobshell.com
Subject: Re: Rubber Chicken, An entry to W@W C@MPETITION
Steven Berkowitz at murray1953@yahoo.com wrote:
> In my opinion, the good old rubber chicken is as
> American as moms apple pie. It actually goes back to
> the days of early television. It is what is refered to
> as a sight gag. A scrawny, skinny, nothing of a
> chicken. Bring it home to feed a family of 10!! Yuri,
> after 12 years, you have to know our sense of humor by
> now. I suggest you go to your nearest novelty shop
> (usually found in malls) and get yourself one. Hang it
> as you see in the picture, in your office. YOU NEED TO
> GET ONE!!
>
> Steve B
It is important to understand, as I wrote some years ago
in Shutterbug when I reviewed rubber chickens, that not all
rubber chickens are alike. The best ones come from Spain,
where the craft of making them was passed from father to son
for many generations. You can tell a Spanish rubber chicken
by its heft, its greater attention to detail, and its unique
scent.
Unfortunately, cheap Taiwanese knock offs of the originals flooded
the market in recent years, decimating the Spanish industry
and putting third and fourth genration craftsmen out of business.
I find this very sad, and would not own a Taiwanese rubber chicken
for this reason.
I know of no source for the real thing unless they turn up
now and then on eBay, though.
If you are willing to settle for second best you can buy
rubber chickens from Taiwan at www.mcphee.com , a site full
of essential items for the serious photographer.
A Spanish rubber chicken has been an essential part of my
location photography kit for many years. Don't leave home without
it, as Karl Malden used to say. Getting caught without one when you
need it is like getting caught without your pants.
Bob
From: rstein [rstein@bigpond.net.au]
Sent: Thu 6/26/2003
To: hasselblad@kelvin.net
Subject: [HUG] Buy Dem Digitals
Dear nieces and nephews,
I normally do not encourage immoral behaviour, but I will make an
exception in this case. My message is primarily directed towards the
Australian members of this list, but those overseas can also pitch in and do
their bit. Or byte as the case may be.
What I want you to do is to go out there and trade that nasty old
Hasselblad equipment at the camera store for some nice clean digital
cameras. Get the big new ones - they'll cost a bit more but you can just let
a litttle more of your Hasselblad gear out to compensate. This will make you
feel better and the man at the store will admire you. You can tell when he
really likes you because he will laugh and rub his hands.
Don't worry about what happens to that ugly old stuff. The man at the
store will sell it off at 1/6 of the new price to some old Uncle somewhere
and you won't be troubled again. In fact that is what prompted this public
service announcement - I just bought a mint 250mm CF Sonnar for 18% of the
new price. Some fool....er, wise individual has decided to buy a Canon
digital camera and needed the cash. Please excuse me while I go into the
darkroom and have a little howl...
AHHHWHOOOOOOOOO.....
Thank you, I feel better. The manager of the camera store said he didn't
want to have the lens hanging around. I have asked him if there are going to
be any 903's or 905's on the reject pile and he said he will see if there
are any takers. I am prepared to prise one out of a cold dead hand, and am
not too fussy about waiting for the temperature to drop all that far.
Join me at the local camera store. We get to perch on a limb of the dead
tree outside and wait for the action. A lot less tiring than circling in the
sun....
Uncle Dick