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Columns > Balancing Act > #36: The Way THEY Play
Exploring how each kid is different.  Isn't it amazing how 2 children, from the same home, same PARENTS even, can be so very different? Rebecca and Abbie have the same mother, and, assuming the rumors are false, the same father, and yet they are as different as night and day. Becca is very timid. The term "wimpy" comes to mind, and I would use it, except my wife would beat the living crap out of me, so I'll just mention it, and then pretend I didn't, if you know what I mean. But when we go to the playground, she's… AFRAID. She'll ask me to "spot" her on the monkey bars. She'll have me stand under her, hands on her legs, ready to catch her should she not be able to hold herself up. So I stand there, and she takes her legs off of the steps on the monkey bars, and hangs there for 3 seconds, announces that her hands are too sweaty, and lets go. I set her down, she insists she'll GET IT this time, and runs around for another try. But it never goes anywhere, she NEVER gets past the first rung on the monkey bars, and after about 15 minutes of this, my back is aching. But what drives me crazy is that she's not TRYING. I don't care if she can't do it. Really! As long as she's tried. And more importantly, I really think she CAN do it. So when she runs around for her 50th attempt, , I decide to help her along. I wait until she swings onto the first rung, and then I let go, and she hangs there. I know what you're thinking – my GOD, the man's inhuman. But I'm not, really. At least, I don't think so. My goal is to show Becca two things: first, that she CAN hold on, even if she doesn't make it to the next rung; and second, that even if she were to fall, it wouldn't hurt. But my plan backfires, and she hangs there, screaming. Screaming is a bad thing because it'll draw my wife, and possibly the neighbors, and soon I'll get in trouble. My wife thinks this kind of thing is bad for Becca's self esteem. I have no choice… I start tickling. Becca takes it for about 2 seconds, screams even louder, and then drops to the ground. And instantly, my point is made. She lands on the ground, and sees that, in fact, a drop of 30 inches is NOT immediately fatal, when one lands on 6 inches of loose pine mulch. That's MY way of boosting Becca's self esteem – show her that she CAN do things on her own. But it doesn't work quite how I'd hoped. Becca forms a quick support group for kids who's dad's have dropped them, and then she's back on the monkey bars, waiting for me to "spot" her, only this time she's not trusting me without a solemn promise. And my wife is watching now, so I can't do it again. Contrast this to my younger daughter, Abbie. Abbie is the exact opposite of Becca. She HAS no fear. Of anything. Give her a rickety table or chair, and she'll climb it. And fall off. And, after crying for a few seconds, she'll try and climb it again. And fall again. And just repeat the cycle. Abbie is living proof that there IS no such thing as evolution, because thousands of generations of species adaptation could not POSSIBLY have left this child with absolutely no sense of self preservation whatsoever. I've seen Abbie try to stand on a BEACHBALL to reach something heavy on a high shelf. There is NOTHING Abbie won't try. She loves the big kid swings, the ones without the safety straps that keep her from killing herself. And when she falls out of them, as she always does, sometimes doing spectacular flips in mid-air when she picks the MOST inopportune moment to forget to hold on, she gets back up and tries again. Just for kicks once, I lifted her up to the monkey bars. She grabbed on, and when I pulled my hands away for a moment, she laughed and hung there. Absolutely no fear. Lobotomy recipients have a better sense of danger. It's amazing to see my 2 year old do things my 6 year old is terrified of. But this is not to make a mockery of Becca. She's wonderful in so many OTHER ways. She's endlessly patient whereas Abbie loses interest in things very quickly. She loves to play board games that I'd have thought were WAY too advanced for her. We started Heroquest a few months ago, for instance. She can draw up the most elaborate scenarios for her Barbies, all of which end in a wedding. Oh, and Becca loves to read. She always had, sitting for hours when she was a baby while we read story after story (Abbie gets bored after 2-3 books). Now she always seems to have a novel lying around and will pull it out and read it whenever she can't find anything else to do. And when I see her do that, I'm reminded of someone. Me. I was just like her as a kid. Timid. Awkward. Insecure. Afraid of everything. I didn't ride a bike until I was 10, and I didn't swim until I was 12. I realize when I step back and look at myself, that I'm trying to help Becca achieve more than I could at her age. I love the way Becca reads, but I want her to be more confident with her physical abilities. I want her to see what she's really capable of. I want so very desperately to help her avoid the fear that dominated every aspect of my childhood, especially before those incredibly difficult teenage years hit her like a sledgehammer. Childhood only lasts a few short years – if she doesn't get some confidence now, it sure won't come later. So that's my goal – to teach Becca what she really can do. And maybe, at the same time, keep Abbie from killing herself.
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