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Jokes & funny stories
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While working for a volunteer organization that delivers meals on wheels to senior citizens in need, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass next to a vase of colourful, aromatic flowers. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
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The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. "Loosen up sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card: "Rest in Peace."The owner was very angry, to say the least, and called to complain.? Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, and sorry you were offended," said the florist. "But even worse, somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location." !
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead are walking down the street one Friday afternoon and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, oh shit, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. The blonde looks at her in amazement and says "what?s the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?" The redhead says, oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers and I don't feel like spending the whole weekend on my back with my legs in the air. The blonde replies, "Don't you have a vase?"
An extremely shy guy has just finished his last Self Esteem Enhancement session. His counsellor told him to go out and do something really bold. So he goes to the local pub carrying a bouquet of beautiful red roses. He spots a beautiful woman sitting alone. After an hour of gathering up his courage he takes a deep breath and walks over to her. "Er, um, hi, I?m John. I bought these roses hoping they would put a smile on your pretty face."
She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, "No, I won't have sex with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is utterly humiliated. He lets the flowers fall limp by his side and slinks back to his table wondering where he went wrong. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations - that's why I said what I said to you. The roses are really beautiful"
He looks down at the roses and then back to her, and as loud as he can yells, "What do you mean $100!?"
The two elderly men were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was fantastic. I really recommend it."
The other man said, "What''s the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his companion, "What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A Carnation?"
"No," says the man, "You know, the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says, "Oh you mean a rose?"
"Yes, yes that''s it," the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what''s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his late father. When he was heading back toward his car, his attention was diverted to a lady kneeling at a grave. The lady seemed to be praying with such profound intensity and grief. She kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The man approached her and said, "Excuse me, I don't mean to interfere with your private mourning, but this demonstration of pain and grief is more than I've ever seen before. Can I ask who it is that you mourn for so so deeply? Is it a child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect herself, then replied, "My husband's first wife."
Two old women were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said, "We never have any fun these days. For $20.00, I'd take all my clothes off and streak through the flower show naked!"
"All right, you're on!" said the other old lady.
The first old woman took off all her clothes and completely naked ran through the front door of the town hall. Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked old woman burst out through the door followed by a cheering crowd.
"How did you go?" asked her friend.
"Fantastic!" she said, "I just won $100 as first prize for the Best Dried Arrangement!"
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