How to Come Out to your Chinese Mother - Amy Cham (Article originally written for and published by Cover Magazine, and later reproduced by BBC Manchester Online)

When I was asked to write a brief article on being a British Born Chinese lesbian I thought, “Great, fantastic, an opportunity to not only promote the British Born Chinese Lesbian website, but also a chance to pen a brilliant intellectual polemic about what it truly means to be a minority within a minority within a minority”.  I planned to dazzle the readers with facts and arguments galore, but then something stopped me.  My fingers froze as I began to type and all I could think about was what happened to me recently.  I came out to my mum.

So, I will do what countless other lesbian, bisexual and gay people have done before and share with you my coming out story.  At first I was worried about presenting this hackneyed and rather clichéd story, but then I remembered that the majority of Coming Out stories are of the white western lesbian, bisexual and gay experience.  So, for the first time, here is Amy Cham’s guide on how to come out to your Chinese mother…

After many years of dropping giant sized hints to my mother (my favourites are “This is OUR bedroom” and “Me and Kath want to spend Christmas ALONE this year”), I decided that I had to take the proverbial bull by the horns and officially Come Out to her.

Generally, I am known to be as ‘out’ there as you can be.  I have never had any qualms or insecurities about my sexuality, and I even founded the first website for UK Chinese lesbians.  However, I had never said the words “I am a lesbian” to my mother.  I would argue that I had never truly hidden it from her, she even once caught a TV interview I gave about lesbian and gay issues…, only her English is virtually non-existent, so she construed it to be merely about Chinese issues! 

So, why have I never said it officially?  This is partly due to never having had a particularly close relationship with my family.  As I grew up, my parents tried to enforce traditional Chinese values and methods of punishments.  As a consequence I rebelled and became more headstrong.  Linguistics posed another problem.  When I left home my Cantonese simply deteriorated.  I had enough trouble ordering dim sum in a restaurant, let alone knowing the Cantonese for ‘lesbian’.

So why now?  Well, I began to think that the whole situation was becoming ridiculous. In every aspects of my life, I am completely confident with my sexuality, so it was about time to say it officially (of course this thought was backed with “She must know, surely[?]”).   Also, I wanted to show my mother some publicity for my Artist in Residency at Manchester’s Chinese Arts Centre - the problem was that it included the photo of me holding a sign saying Chinese lesbian!

I reasoned that the best approach was to broach the subject in a casual manner; my mother and I never have formal chats about personal issues, and if we were to do so, the situation would be completely uncomfortable. 

Fast-forward to me having dim sum with my brother and sister (who are aware of my sexuality), and my mother.  I took a breath and casually handed over the Chinese Arts Centre programme to her explaining that the details for my residency were written within.  As she opened it I quickly excused myself and, I have to admit quite cowardly, went to the bathroom!  I sat and after a few “Hur hur hur breathe Amy” a couple of times, I ventured back to the dinning room.

When I returned to my seat my mum was on the incriminating page; she closed it, smiled and said “that’s really good isn’t it” and promptly returned to her har kau.  Well, I was flummoxed!  How many hints did this woman need?  Was she really following the Chinese rule to the book and leaving the unspoken as exactly that?  Or did she really not know?  I returned to my dim sum for the time being!

A few hours later we were strolling around a shopping centre, I decided to approach the subject again.  In hindsight, a crowded clothes shop was, perhaps, not the most compassionate situation to press the point?  So as my mum was ‘tutting’ and ‘ai-yaing’ about various items of clothing I asked if she had noticed the picture in the programme and what the sign said.  She gave me a blank look. 

I persevered in, it has to be noted, extremely poor Cantonese;                                          

“It says chinese lesbian…”                                                      

Another blank look.  Trust me; it was as painful as it sounds… 

“Do you know what lesbian means?”                                        

My mum tried to say it a couple of times until the penny dropped.                                                                 

“Lesbi…oh…like gay lo?”                                                              

I nodded and pushed it further;                                                

“Do you know why I’m holding the sign?”                                         

By now the penny had well and truly dropped down to the bottom of the well as she looked at me.                                 

“What?  You’re trying to tell me you’re a lesbian?”              

Finally!  And to this I could not help but reply with…           

“Come on, you must have known!”  My mum then admitted that she had had an idea. 

There was a time when I still lived at home, whilst doing my laundry, she came across a pair of trousers, adorned with red and rainbow ribbons (ah, that obligatory coming out teenage stage!) which triggered her suspicions.  She also admitted that my hints had not gone entirely unnoticed and guessed that the last “gwei loi” I lived with was my ex-partner.  This further led to her acknowledgement that Kath was my current partner of 4 years. Talking like this with my mother, whilst she was also pulling out garments and tutting about what “gwei loi’s” wear in Britain these days, made the scene both a relief and very surreal.

It was particularly amusing when inquiring whether she was okay she responded;                                                                 

“Well, you know that Chinese people don’t like it”.                

This was like waving a red flag at me.  I never hold back from challenging people’s assumptions and the fact that it was my mother made no difference.  I began by telling her about the British Born Chinese Lesbian website, all the women I had encountered through the project, the friends I had made and the research I had done.  I also argued that if the Chinese community did not ‘approve’ of lesbian, bisexual and gay people then surely the Chinese Arts Centre would not so willingly publish my work exploring Chinese lesbian issues?  Between bouts of “Look how poorly made this is” and “How much?!”, she listened and conceded that I was, perhaps, right. 

However, she added;                                                           

“Well, but that’s in the UK.  The Chinese here are different than back home.  I mean Chinese people back in Hong Kong and China”.                                                                                    

Again the red flag; I explained about the plethora of support and resources that I had come across in my research for Chinese lesbian, bisexual and gay people in countries such as Hong Kong, China, Singapore and Taiwan.  We even discussed Hong Kong celebrities who are rumoured to be lesbian, bisexual or gay.  My mum finally conceded that, perhaps, attitudes are changing and that to be a lesbian did not mean I was any less than normal.

After this my mum inquired after my partner Kath’s qualifications, and if she had been to university.  This I saw to be a good sign, albeit surreal, that my mother was checking out Kath’s credentials as her daughter’s chosen partner!  The conversation ended with my mum saying that she was fine with it and promptly led me to find my brother and sister.

I realise that for many Chinese lesbian, bisexual and gay people coming out to their parents is perhaps a far more controversial and difficult undertaking.   I understand from my discussions with fellow British Born Chinese people that my parents were quite secular in their Chinese way of bringing me up and maybe this was due to my refusal to adhere to traditional Chinese values?  All I know is that my political awareness extends to every part of my identity, and I firmly believe that people should live their lives for themselves and not according to other people’s fears and insecurities.  If any Chinese lesbian, bisexual or gay people do read this article, then I hope they are assured that they are not “the only one” and that they also feel just a little bit empowered…

2004