Hold Her Close, Let Her Go
Last week Jenni’s* 14-year-old daughter left home. She chose her moment carefully, ensuring she wouldn’t miss out on a big event financed by Mum, then packed her bags and, leaving a note in the mailbox, went to live with her father. He drives her to school in his BMW, she has a new bedroom decorated exactly the way she wants it, but most of all, she’s been promised more freedom to do the things she wants.
Jenni hasn’t stopped crying. “We had our disagreements, but I had no idea she thought things were this bad,” she says. “I hate to think what freedom her father is going to allow her. She thinks she’s indestructible.”
She pauses and her face is a misery. “I must be the world’s worst mother.”
Lisa gave her side of the story. “I don’t know what’s up with Mum. She never listens to me; she always interrupts. She doesn’t understand me at all. I’ve moved in with Dad. You’d think Mum would be glad she doesn’t have me around to fight with, but when I ring her and ask how she is, she just says she doesn’t know. Mum’s got big problems.”
Welcome to the world of the teenage daughter. If you’re honest, you will admit you were warned. You have received many admiring comments about your little girl, nearly always concluding with “Just wait until she’s a teenager!” and “Enjoy her while she’s young!” You laughed them off, never imagining the horrors that were waiting for you as your daughter entered puberty.
What happened to the girlie chats, the companionable shopping trips, the spontaneous hugs, the smiles? Sure, she still laughs and has girlie chats, but now it is with her teenage friends. Why has she taken to casting sideways looks at you and making snide comments about your clothes, your car, your hairstyle? Why has she taken to speaking a foreign language, often understandable and audible only to herself?
What have you done wrong?
being a mother
Typically, mothers take the brunt of teenage behaviour because they are the emotional caretakers of the family. As such, mothers may feel responsible for ensuring individual and family survival. Added to that, many mothers relive their teenage years as their daughter goes through adolescence, taking upon themselves the burdens they see their daughter struggling with.
As teenage girls discover who they are, their mothers often undergo a similar struggle about what kind of mother they are, or what kind of mother they hoped to be.
Your daughter only needs to sulk, threaten or accuse you of being the absolute worst mother in existence to have you plunged into self-doubt.
For your survival, it is vital you feel confident about whom you are and that you are certain of your goals and values.
for example . . .
Debbie, aged 39, is a solo mum with 14-year-old twins. She may as well cease to exist, she says. All her girls want from her is food and transportation. Nothing she does is right. Ever. She makes rules, and they are grudgingly obeyed. The girls are rude and belittling. She could handle not being loved, she says, if only they would show a little respect in public instead of a blatant dislike. She doesn’t know what to do; there seems to be no help available for mothers of teenage girls.
Deb remembers her teenage years. They were filled with conflict with her own mother. The damage is still evident. Her mother criticises her appearance, her religion, her failed marriage, her girls. Although Deb doesn’t know what to do with her girls, she does know that she wants a positive relationship with them when they are adults.
Karyn has two girls, aged 18 and 20. The hardest part of raising her daughters, Karyn says, was watching them form new relationships and interests, letting them learn without too much interference, and hoping they would remember the values she had taught them.
being teenage
If your daughter is not yet a teenager, you may pause a moment to commend yourself on your parenting skills. You are a confident parent; your daughter is a happy child. You’re good at communicating. You have a tiff every so often, but things get patched up. You’ve got parenting sorted.
Don’t be so certain. Even the most docile girl has been known to turn into a raging monster when puberty strikes.
A teenage girl has a lot to deal with. Her body is maturing; her hormones are swinging. She wants to be accepted by her classmates. She has stressful exams looming. She is expected to know what she wants to do with the rest of her life.
As Vikki, aged 16, points out, life is horrible when you’re a teenager. “I loved school when I was young,” she says, “but high school . . . it’s the pits. You don’t know who your real friends are. One day I’ve got a best friend, the next day she’s got a boyfriend, or she tells me I’ve got big eyebrows, or she hangs out with someone else. It’s hard!”
She runs her fingers through her bright red hair. Her rings get tangled. “I do stuff to get noticed,” she says. “I don’t do anything bad. Not really bad.
“Mum’s kind of like, not really there,” Vikki continues. “She buys my clothes, ’cos I don’t have any money. I hate the clothes she gets me, but I just wear them ’cos what can I do about it?” She shrugs. “And rules—she makes rules. And she expects me to obey.”
Vikki’s rings are caught in her hair again. She slowly works her hair free. “I’m glad Mum makes rules,” she says. “It gives me an excuse not to do stuff.” And then she regains her teenage self and glares. “But I sure don’t let her know I’m listening.”
Your teenage daughter is looking for fair play, honesty and acceptance.
Being made to feel judged, singled out, or lacking in some way, strikes her as unjust. She can spot hypocrisy a mile off. Would it frustrate you if the roles were reversed?
hang on; let go
Diane Levy, a family therapist, shares her views on creating a successful mother–daughter relationship.
“It often goes wrong when we treat our daughters as our equals. With our woman friends we tell our story, give our opinions and exchange ideas. This works with some mother-daughter interactions, but for most it doesn’t work.
“Listen. Be uncritical.
“When your daughter tells you what she’s doing, what her friends are doing, where she’s been and what she intends to do, listen. If she wants advice, she’ll ask. If you want your daughter to keep talking, you must simply listen.”
But what if she’s going to get into trouble? What if she’s in danger? you ask.
“When your daughter is talking to you, the last thing you want to do is shut her down with unwanted advice. Save your thoughts and bring them up later.
“A simple, ‘I’ve got some ideas about that. When you’re ready for them . . .’ gives your daughter a choice. She can ask for the ideas now. She can find you when she’s ready. You have shown respect.
“And when you have safety concerns, you could begin with, ‘I’m really worried that . . .’ Your daughter may think you’re an old fuddy-duddy, especially if what you fear doesn’t happen. You can always apologise and say, ‘I’m so glad it went well.’ And if you are right, your credibility has had a boost and next time your daughter just may listen to your concerns.
“You are not the cause of your daughter’s difficulties. One day soon you’re going to look at your daughter and realise that you’ve survived the storm. For now, give her your sympathy, support and encouragement. She’s growing up. She needs you to hold her close . . . and let her go.”
*Except for Diane Levy, all names have been changed to protect privacy.
what girls say annoys them about their mothers
You’ll recognise the things that annoyed you as a teenager. One day they’ll annoy your daughter’s daughter too.
- “When I’m with my friends, she doesn’t act her age; she acts my age.”
- “She contradicts herself.”
- “Her fashion sense isn’t there.”
- “She blames me first for almost everything.”
- “She thinks I like my friends more than I like her.”
- “She thinks she is always right.”
- “She talks about me to my friends.”
- “She straightens up my clothing in front of others.”
- “She never listens to my opinion; she always interrupts.”
- “She tells me what I can and can’t wear.”
- “When I do one thing wrong, she uses it against me.”
danger signals
If your daughter shows any of the following symptoms, it would be wise to consult with a professional:
- sudden, dramatic change in personality, behaviour or friendship group
- depression or irritability
- a 5 per cent gain or loss in body weight in one month
- insomnia or, alternatively, sleeping “all the time”
- fatigue and loss of energy
- feelings of worthlessness or excessive and inappropriate guilt
- recurrent thoughts of death
- suicidal ideation, plans or attempt
- self-mutilation (that is, cutting, carving, burning)
- preoccupation with food, bingeing or vomiting after eating
- deterioration in school performance
- withdrawal from family and friends
And where do you go for help? Your family doctor/practice nurse will be able to refer you to an appropriate therapist. Most intermediate/secondary schools have school counsellors; they will also have contact details for therapists who have a special interest in teenage girls. Or, away from school, perhaps a friend, whose opinion you value, knows of a suitable therapist.
If you believe your daughter needs professional help but she refuses assistance, you have choices. First, you can consult with a professional who may be able to judge the seriousness of the problem and advise you as to how best to deal with it; second, better educate yourself so that you can cope better with the demands of parenting, or, third, insist your daughter see one or two specialists for an opinion, just like you would if she were physically unwell.
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