Zombie
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Zombies are animated corpses possessing a sort of semi-consciousness and a hunger for living flesh, kind of like the type you find obsessed with Disneyland. People cannot be zombies. Only dogs can be zombies. Everything — from movie to novels; from poetry to theatre — would be better with zombies. Think Titanic 2 starring Sandra Bullock.
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[edit] Causes
A few things may cause Zombification:
- Transmutable Disease: One of the many staples of zombie movies in particular, the Disease-caused zombies (or NOT-ZOMBIES as the case may or may not be) are a biting, frothing menace. They may or may not be similar to the other kinds of zombies in general, but it makes for a good excuse for them to be wandering around ripping shit up in the first place.
- Radiation: Radiation-Zombies are the rectum-child of George Romero. First described as being caused by radiation brought back from Venus by a space probe (not kidding), it henceforth spread like an STD to cover the globe. Can also be caused by exploding/leaking nuclear reactors, military experiments, and in some cases glowsticks can be cut open and injected into bodies with surprising results.
- Parasite: "Resident Evil 4", "Dead Rising", "Slither"... there are several various stories where one's brain is internally or externally raped by an alien/bug/monster/zoots/brain slugs/etc. Typically this includes either something tearing its way into one's flesh and making a beeline for the brainmeats, or by simply leeching the powers of said brainmeats to gain control (not unlike 2600 retards out on a wardrive). External parasites can be easily killed (and in the case of zoots this is always highly encouraged), whereas internal zombie-causers are either impossible to get rid of or require the same kind of treatment that a RL parasite infestation would require.
- Magick: Zombies created through necromancy/voodoo tend to be much fewer in numbers than other zombies thanks to the challenge of finding a master to make them who isn't boring and/or stupid. They have the potential to be fucking awesome slavish killing machines due to being invulnerable to everything, but don't eat flesh and are usually beyond retarded.
- Unexplained: Some of the more intelligent zombie tales don't explain the cause of the zombies. These are usually the best because they might actually fall into the tiny and dying "original" category of stories.
- STD: In some cases zombification is caused by goths who fail at being 'vampyres' and decide they want to be original by being just a walking corpse instead. Most do not practice such awesome shows of dedication as eating rotting flesh or living the true lifestyle, and even come across as being lazier than their blood-sucking ilk. If they have better taste is possibly debatable.
- Pure Win: Sometimes someone returns as a zombie out of sheer willpower. They fought death and overcame it and managed to come back for whatever reason. Some might consider this a stupid reason, but it is an available McGuffin Device nontheless.
- Magic Barrels: As is the case in "Return of the Living Dead" and the subsequent 50 sequels it spawned, the military lose track of barrels of magic zombie-juice that two employees at a medical warehouse open accidentally. A complicated scenario of zombies needing brain-juice to keep from feeling the pain of rotting, while other wacky antics ensue.
[edit] Characteristics
- Skin: Usually pale and probably easily bruised with cum alover it. Look for missing bits of flesh or missing balls, which usually indicates the zombie bit him self for the lulz
- Speed: Rigor Mortis usually takes in affect of the dead body, so the most they'll be able to do is walk at a very slow pace and toss shit at you (Assuming the virus/magic/chemical/whatever takes a couple hours to get the body back to IRL.)
That said, there MAY be cases in which the zombie will be able to sprint/run (See Dawn of the Dead remake, 28 Days Later and Return of the Living Dead.) If that's the case, consider yourself royally fucked and probably raped for over 9000 times. You're not making it out without buthurt. Srsly.
- Intelligence: Mainly, it's just pure instinct zombies run on. (Namly, feeding and geting almost raped) They may retain some memory but they'll still take a bite out of anyone, family, friend and/or your mom.
Because of the lack of oxygen they had when dead, they're basically retarded and won't be able to speak, except for raspy gasps of air and maybe asking you for butsecks.
One would think that they would just simply eat each other (which would solve the initial problem,) but so far, no such case. Either they decide to work in packs or they're just really picky about their meat.
- Hunger for Human Flesh: This is a big one. If a person starts to grab and/or bite at you, it means they're zombies and you're screwed because you let them fucking bite you. Don't you watch the movies? Jesus, you're a retarded fuck. You deserved to die like they did.
Or it's just a really, really fucking hungry person. In that case, get them a sandwich. From Subway. Don't buy that bullshit from the store. Then make them an hero.
[edit] Protection
- Get a machete. Don't have one? Well, you're fucked, because machetes, unicorns, and guns are the only proven protection against zombies, and who the fuck wants to carry around a unicorn? Think about it! The thing needs food, protection, the united health care system...and if the thing's only payoff is magical rainbows, who cares?
- Aim for the head. It's proven that zombie head-shots are instant wins, and you get +200 points. Trade those things in, motherfucker. Buy the power-up.
- Common Sense. This is perhaps the most valuable thing you have at your disposal. That is, if you're not an idiot.
- Knowledge "Knowledge is power" is at least 100 years old, first said by either GI Joe or Smokey the Bear. Generally useless with Zombies. Unless of course, you know how to hotwire a car, pick a lock, or make napalm from household goods.
- Don't hit them with mops. Studies show that when struck with mops, zombies get teh lulz instead of any real damage given, especially space zombies.
[edit] Zombies and MJ
Zombies are well known for being good friends with Michael Jackson and can commonly be seen bustin' a groove with him outside your local cemetery. Many people believe that this is because Michael Jackson is a zombie but this is false as Michael Jackson is very much alive (zombies are dead, duh!). The truth is no one knows what Michael Jackson is. I mean for fucks sake, look at him!
[edit] Zombies as a Metaphor
A lot of film makers and writers like to use zombies as a metaphor or social commentary. Their lack of brains make them ripe for comparisons with people who shop in malls, or basically anyone who live in America. When someone tries to tell you about the allegorical reference the zombie movie you're watching is trying to portray to the audience, respond with something clever like "Yeah I guess, but I thought it was pretty bad ass when they blew off that zombies mother fucking head."
[edit] Zombies Online
There is also a theory that there are entities that wander the internet but have no blog -- these freakish entities are known as zombies. Nobody but n00bs actually believe in them. The only evidence is anonymous comments, but it is common knowledge that anonymous comments are made by people (with blogs) too scared to identify themselves, and not some preposterous fantasy creature from n00b folklore.
[edit] Zombie Fandom
Dontchya just love fags who think they'll survive a zombie situation just because they bought a book? Actually, no, you can't love them.
You'll occasionally see these fags on Newgrounds or Maddox's fan sites.
"If there was a zombie situation, I'd dye my hair blue, and get my Katana and own them, LOLZ!"
Max Brooks(Author of that damn book) is a faggot (and a jew).
[edit] Famous Zombies
- Jesus
- Yassir Arafat
- Terri Schiavo
- Ralph Nader
- John Kerry
- Ronald Reagan
- Pope John Paul II
- Ghandi
- Tom Cruise
- Paris_Hilton - if only the undead could be that slutty.
- Mr. Zombie
- Winston_Churchill BLOOD, SWEAT AND BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS
- Turtle-loving zombie kid [1]
[edit] See Also
- Zombie apocalypse
- Urban Dead
- Humanitarians
- greatexpectations320
- Resident Evil 3
- Resident Evil Outbreak
- Resident Evil 4
- Resident Evil 5
