Richard Nixon
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Richard Milhous Nixon AKA "Tricky Dick" was the 37th president of the U.S.A. Ironically enough, he was from Commiefornia. He is also batshit insane.
Nixon is best remembered for his many achievements while in office: visiting Red China without vomiting on anyone, not being John F. Kennedy, only sort of being Lyndon Johnson, and wiretapping his political opponents' headquarters then ordering the assassination of all registered Democrats.
Nixon was publicly accused of the wiretapping when his henchmen in crime turned out to be The Three Stooges. Even though they were caught red-handed at the Watergate Hotel wearing 'We Heart Dick' buttons, Nixon denied involvement. Larry, Mo, and Curly claimed they had only done it for the free peanuts promised to them by an unknown transvestite they met in the lobby. The scandal would have blown over, had not famous porn star Linda Lovelace called Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward and handed over an incriminating series of tapes on which Nixon can clearly be heard ordering the imprisonment of anyone known to have snickered at his middle name.
Nixon prayed to God and cried a lot but he was still impeached. He was pried from The Oval Office two and half years into his second term, then dumped on The White House lawn with orders never to return. He bawled like a 16-year-old girl then retreated to his bat cave where he spent the rest of his life plotting his triumphant return. He died in 1994 and was buried in secret so his grave could not be defiled. His last words were: "Where the fuck is Kissinger?"
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[edit] Nixon: Troll President
Nixon was also the biggest IRL troll to ever occupy the White House. The following is a list of epic trolls that Nixon was involved in.
- Trolling Laos and Cambodia by conducting a secret bombing campaign against them.
- Nixon wanted to completely ruin Vietnam by nuking them, but his jew adviser Kissinger talked him out of it. Srsly. It is likely he was doing it for the lulz.
- Trolling Kent State by having the Ohio National Guard shoot their students.
- The American Ambassador to France, Arthur Watson, got drunk on a flight to France and started groping flight attendants. Nixon loled and supported this behavior.
- Nixon trolled Barbara Walters after she interviewed his daughter.
- Believed that the famous picture of Kim Phuc running down the street after her village had been napalmed was shopped. He could tell from some of the pixels and from seeing quite a few shops in his time.
- Trolled Archibald Cox out of his job during the Saturday Night Massacre.
- Trolled Democrats by hiring E. Howard Hunt, G. Gordon Liddy and others to break into the Watergate hotel.
[edit] Anti-Semitism
Nixon definitely knew that JEWS DID WTC (or at least he would have, had he been alive). However, he also hired many Jews in his administration including Henry Kissinger and Ben Stein. It can only be concluded that he did it for the lulz.
[edit] The Tapes
When the tapes of intimate private discussions between Nixon and his chief advisors were made public, people were fascinated by the drama and lulz. Never before had average American citizens been privy to the inner workings of government.
Notable excerpts include:
- Nixon on Jews
- Nixon: Well, listen, are they all Jews over there?
- Colson: Every one of them. Well, a couple of exceptions.”
- Nixon:See my point? You know goddamn well they’re out to kill us.
- Nixon: Now, point: Malek is not Jewish.
- Haldeman: No.
- Nixon: All right, I want a look at any sensitive areas around where Jews are involved, Bob. See, the Jews are all through the government, and we have got to get in those areas. We’ve got to get a man in charge who is not Jewish to control the Jewish . . . do you understand?
- Haldeman: I sure do.
- Nixon: The government is full of Jews. Second, most Jews are disloyal. You know what I mean? You have a Garment and a Kissinger and, frankly, a Safire, and, by God, they’re exceptions. But, Bob, generally speaking, you can’t trust the bastards. They turn on you.
- Nixon on drugs, and Jews
- Nixon: Now, this is one thing I want. I want a Goddamn strong statement on marijuana. Can I get that out of this sonofabitching, uh, Domestic Council?
- Haldeman: Sure.
- Nixon: I mean one on marijuana that just tears the ass out of them. I see another thing in the news summary this morning about it. You know it's a funny thing, every one of the bastards that are out for legalizing marijuana is Jewish. What the Christ is the matter with the Jews, Bob, what is the matter with them? I suppose it's because most of them are psychiatrists, you know, there's so many, all the greatest psychiatrists are Jewish. By God we are going to hit the marijuana thing, and I want to hit it right square in the puss, I want to find a way of putting more on that. More [ unintelligible ] work with somebody else with this."
- Nixon on Niggers
- Nixon: Fuck. This is a typical thing, it's like the, a black kid, uh, everybody used, uh, you know it's like old Jim Rhodes, he said, of course he's a typical nigger, I mean, 1960s something like, he said, you know he says all these people you know, they come down here, these people, three or four hundred of them, they're picketing around, they're talking to legislators and to press, he, he said, eh, mental health centers and all the other, he says, I didn't take the money, [unintelligible] I just turned it down, and they gave the money to the niggers.
- Haldeman: "He's right, there's a hell of a lot more niggers than you can buy them off. Jobs, get them off the streets so they aren't killing people.
[edit] Zombie Nixon
On December 26, 2006, Nixon rose from the grave and strangled the living shit out of Gerald Ford, just as Tom Brokaw predicted. Several members of Gerald Ford's family were present at the incident, and many lulz were had.
He also proceded to rape Hillary Clinton while yelling "TAKE IT YOU NAZI BITCH, AHAHAHAH!!!"
Zombie Nixon will be seeking the Presidency in 2008, because we ain't see nothing yet.
There was much rejoicing.
