Internets
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The World Web Internets is a series of tubes, used to transfer important information worldwide.
[edit] History
The Internets (formally known as the Al Gore eXperience), a magical cloud of information that floats over your head in the stratosphere, was invented at least 100 years ago by Al Gore and pluralized by George W. Bush. At first it was used only by the army, ensuring that in the event of nuclear war, officers could still view porn. Some time around 1981 or 2007 (if you're a FAG!!!1!), some guy in his basement found that he could use his Atari 2600 with his 300 baud modem to steal the internet for himself. 5 years later, AOL streamlined this process and the Internets as we know them now were born. Only these days, there is way moar free pr0n and moar warez. It is rumoard there may be small pockets of useful information hidden deep in the bowels of the Internets. This has been proven to be false. Presently, scientists believe the Internets to be the greatest proof that most of our species is totally fucking batshit insane, outdoing even the holocaust and white people.
The Internets is also unique to history in one way. Any person who uses the Internets has no idea what they're doing on it. Whereas most people who use a car know the basics of driving, no one on the Internets has a damn clue how to use the Internets. While the functional value of the Internet may be debated, the comedic value is off the charts. It has also been scientifically proven that the moar you use the Internets, the less you will get smex.
Last Thursday, whilst digging a hole in his basement, at least 100 year old billy goat and Chairman of teh Senate Internets Pwning Committee, Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) discovered that the Internets is not a big truck after all but actually just a bunch of tangled up tubes [1] and that said tubes are all clogged up with the pubic hairs from all the Internets pr0n. This, of course, explained why his Internets were taking so long to get to him. [2]
He then announced that he was the new Inventor of teh Internets and Plumber in Chief. Then he made a hawt disco record about it. [3]
[edit] The internet is for fucking porn and nothing moar
[edit] How It Works
Nobody knows how the internets work, except the Jews, nor do they care, and no one seems to care about the Jews. Extensive research by Alan Turing shows that they can have intelligence and be indistinguishable from people but it has since been deciphered that they communicate in very different ways.
Computers talk like this:
- ONE ZERO ZERO ONE ZERO ZERO ONE ONE ONE ZERO!
People talk like this
- "LOLLERCOASTER!!!! ^_________________^ ASL"
Neither one makes any sense but sometimes the computers replace the ONE ZERO stuff with BEEPS and BOOPS like on non-cable modems (the phone kind, aka dial-up). Because that travels over speech wires. Cable Modems are faster because they travel over TV. The scrolling stuff at the bottom of CNN Headline News is fast like a cable modem.
Everybody likes to flame people for asking for illegal warez, but in truth EVERYTHING on the internet is illegal. That includes YouTube, mp3s, and anything on 4chan. There is no such thing as legal on the Internet.
[edit] Internets: No Trucks, No Tubes?
Some argue that tubes are requiered for successful traversal of the internets, however if you believe that you're retarded, for our glorious internet leader Al Gore has learned to harness a power that allows internets users to access the internets without being connected to said tubes. What power could be so powerful and discreet you ask? Only one thing, Ninjas. You see, Installed in your computer is a magic card that generates ninjas, these ninjas then go out of your computer to catch the floating clouds of internets and bring them back to your computer to bask in teh pr0n of your wish (see picture at right). Because they are ninjas no one can see them going back and forth from your computer, but rest assured they are NOT INVISIBLE, that's just redundant.
Sometimes, other internet users try to steal from your internet cloud, that's why you need to arm your ninjas with firewalls (think flamethrowers) and passwords (think machine code). Once you do this your internet cloud is safe, that is unless the evil hacker ninjas come armed with hacks (IRL swords) and kill your ninjas, then your screwed and should go pwn yourself for being a miserable failure.
[edit] ZOMG! Internets crashes 2007!
[edit] How to Win at the Internets
- Wear your thickest skin
- Get Internets (see ISP, below)
- Troll
- shock images
- Megaloader
- ?????
- Downloads a map.
- PWN nubs
- PWN the final boss AKA the internet tough guy invading the message boards on every website. Be warned: he is very hard.
- Profit!!!
[edit] Internet Service Provider
An ISP, or Internet Service Provider, is the company that sends a portly middle aged man to install a series of tubes in your home. The term is a misnomer as the Internets is not a service, since it really doesn't do anyone any good whatsoever. seeNet Neutrality
Most ISP's also hire cackling demons that have access to a special "REACTIVATE MAH INTERNETS NOW BUTTON" which they refuse to press, mostly for the lulz. They also have access to a second special button called the "DISABLE THE INTERNETS NOW BUTTON" which waits until your doing something important with your internets like checking on the latest pr0n and it stops working.
The only way to fix this is to call the ISP on their special batphone and make them press the "REACTIVATE MAH INTENERNETS NOW BUTTON" this generally takes them about 100 years and is considered to be anti-lulz
[edit] Internet Phenomenon
The "internet phenomenon" is the tendency for suicide, murder, and rape to increase as people gain access to the Internet. It is best described as an exponential curve which most developed countries are just starting to travel.
An Internet Phenomenon can also take the form of an annoying game or meme that spreads itself around the internet so much that it is considered a phenomenon.
[edit] Anonymity
It's been scientifically proven that the Internets instantly turns you into an asshole. This is due to the fact that unlike IRL, there are absolutely no social consequences to how you behave (e.g., using "internets" excusively to refer to The Internet, because it's "really funny" [in any context] and makes you a legitimate member of The Community, with no subsequent mass slapdowns). This lead to a famous IRC quote that can be found here. See also Internet Fuckwad Theory.
Anonymity also allows people to entertain bizarre notions that would otherwise be suppressed or dismissed as completely inappropriate for an intelligent human being. Prior to the invention of the Internets, geographic separation and social sensibility would have made people think twice before having a bowl movement in their under clothing. The Internets however has facilitated the formation of a communities where similarly damaged individuals provide each other with mutual legitimization. Other perversions that are a direct result of the internets include:
[edit] Rumors on the Internets
Besides helping pedophiles better locate prey and giving basement-dwelling nerds a place to feel cool, the Internets has successfully promulgated moar rumors than any other previous form of media. Thanks to the Internets, if you can think of it, it probably has an associated rumor.
[edit] Conspiracy Based
The most widely-known rumors are almost all "conspiracy-based," which is to say that they hinge upon an "us versus them" mindset (where "us" equals everything good and normal, and "them" equals everything wrong with the world). Some especially popular conspiracy rumors include:
- Conservative conspiracies
- Liberal conspiracies
- The Encyclopedia Dramatica conspiracy
- Homosexual conspiracies (also known as the Homosexual agenda)
- The worldwide Jewish conspiracy
- The worldwide Masonic conspiracy
- Religious conspiracies
- Ginger folk don't bite
- The Anti Internet Activists
- Most importantly, The Potato Conspiracy
- The OH SO TRUE! 9/11 conspiracy
[edit] Non-Conspiracy Based
Of course, not all rumors are conspiracy-oriented; many are just stories spread by various sources about certain individuals or groups. Common subjects of rumor, as well as those vectors and groups by which they are spread, include:
- AOL Instant Messenger
- Adolf Hitler
- Attention whores
- #Insub
- IRC
- LiveJournal
- LJDrama
- Mecha-Hitler
- Pornography
- Sixteen year-old girls
- Trolls
- Furries
- MySpace
- And most importantly Paris Hilton
[edit] The Internet is Serious Business
Some people speculate that the internet isn't just for lulz but they are wrong, and by the looks of it, Popular Opinion agrees. They tell us that the internet is serious fucking business and that it is used for such things as:
- Credit card transactions
- Ignoring credit card bills.
- Business transactions
- Buying
- Selling
- Trading
- Rigorous political campaigns
- Networking
- And The Stock Market
[edit] People/Groups who Agree
- Fonzu
- Afro Dave
- SheezyArt
- deviantART
- Newgrounds
- FireFox
- adobe
- Microsoft(yup.. all that spyware is pretty damn serious if you ask me.)
- SonicRocksMySocks
- Psyguy
- Tony Eveready
- Hal Turner Biggest internet toughguy out there.
- Jesus
- Any other weirdo or Social Networking site you can think of.
[edit] Real life video game
It was discovered last Thursday by Fox News that a group of domestic terrorists [the internet hate machine (a group of hackers on steroids)] had turned the Web into a real-life video game. This game involves activities such as sacking Web sites, creating chaos and truly epic lulz, blowing up yellow vans and disrupting innocent people's lives.
[edit] Limitations
In recent years, most countries have passed laws regulating who can use the internet. Nearly every civilized country has forbid anyone over the age of thirty-five from use of the series of tubes. Many moar countries do not allow women online.
These laws met with little controversy, because both of those groups are computer illiterate anyway.
The government wants to tax you for going on to the internets and using this site. Ron Paul wants to save Al Gore's invention from taxation. Help Dr. Paul fight for the internets.
[edit] See also
- The Dot.Com Bubble
- Internets effect on Culture
- Eternal September
[edit] External
- Uncyclopedia's funniest article
- It's time we admitted the internet is rubbish.
- About the internets.
- An internetting forum
- SERIOUS BUSINESS
| Internets is part of a series on serious business |
Internet Law • Irony • Internet disease • Internet drama • Identity theft • Free Speech Serious People |
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 Internets is part of a series on Fox News | Allies
Ann Coulter | Matt Drudge | Sean Hannity | Joe Lieberman | Michelle Malkin | Rod Wheeler | Rachel Marsden | Bill O'Reilly Enemies of State Anonymous | Al Gore | Barack Hussein Obama | Emos | Fred Phelps | Hillary Clinton | Hugo Chavez | The Internet | John Edwards | Liberals | Macaca | Mexicans | Logic | Osama Bin Laden | Stephen Colbert | Terrorists Buy A Dog | Corruption of LOL | Exploding Van | HACKERS ON STEROIDS | INTERNET HATE MACHINE |
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