Hacker

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

You can identify hackers by the stupidity of their haircut. In this instance, Bill Gates is successfully impersonating Janet Reno.

The Azn version of World of Warcraft being hacked.

One of the characteristics of a h4X0r is the crazed look in his eye, that amazing typing speed, and the hunched back that overcomes him when he is in the precinct of a computer

Microsoft's French homepage got pwnz0red.

Death Star h4xed.

Ryan's Privates h4xed.

Haxxors can turn your PC into a bomb.

cookie!

A hacker (h4x0r) does one thing by nature: he hacks away at something until it does what he wants, stealing your internets and megahurtz in the process. Do not listen to those who tell you that hackers do not have magical powers: hackers can talk to your computer and explode electric grids with their minds. Some argue that hacking is just about "messing with stuff" and "writing some cool shit for my box," but this is just a public relations ploy meant to keep you from the truth: hackers are, in reality, a race of Jewish cyborgs who seek to repopulate the planet with their own kind. You will be nothing but a slave in their technocratic kingdom of lies.

Hackers do not have girlfriends, as they find sexual pleasure in cross-over cables while waiting patiently for the establishment of cyberspace sex drones that will cater to their every whim when the revolution comes.

Hackers communicate in an encrypted language called leetspeak. ROT13 is also a common way for hackers to talk in "codes". If there is jibberish on your screen, you are getting haxed and you should immediately turn your computer off. Typical hacker cool coding could possibly look like this: a3*900adc9800said90fi()lulz%A)*&)$*)@iov**7o;osaidjfoijoii -- .>/aslkdk.

[edit] How to Tell if Your Child is a Hacker

According to Is Your Son a Computer Hacker?, your child may be under the bad influence of hackers, but it is not too late for intervention. Your child is a hacker if he displays the following habits:

• Ask you to switch away from AOL in order to circumvent the child safety features
• Installs new programs like "Flash"
• Asks for a new "processor" from AMD
• Starts reading books by Eric S. Raymond
• Uses Quake
• Is obsessed with "Linux"
• Starts wearing bright clothing
• Says the word cyberpunk
• Plays Counter-Strike obsessively
• Uploads Laughing Skull Viruses to the school maclab network in an attempt to spread the nerd gospel: "MACS SUK!!111"
• School nurse calls home to complain about your child's poor hygiene.
• Throws away the mouse, in favor of the much easier and more practical keyboard.

If your child is at this point already, there is nothing to do but strangle them with their computer power cable. Once they are this far along, the only cure is the sweet release of death.

Thankfully, Microsoft has offered this primer on hacker talk to help you decipher your child's l33t speech patterns -- and hopefully keep him from iniquity.

[edit] Respect

• Never call a coder or programmer anything except a hacker.
• Don't refer to them as hackers, either, as then your internets will get haxxed, even though only crackers do this. Hackers are just cute little puppies who only want knowledge of the information super highway, while crackers want to USE IT FOR EVIL.

[edit] News Flash: Hackers and Cyber-Bullies

Quick Version:

1:11 - His favorite site is gaia.

1:41 - 456 VIRUS'!

2:59 - Had an assembly about internet tough guys, and almost vomited.

3:19 - Refuse to take responsibility for saying stupid things, got hacked, bitch about it.

3:52 - Threats to other females of death if they didn't freakin' post naked on a webcam.

4:37 - Reporting internet bullies to be V&, srsly.

Lesson to be learned: Hacking is srs business.

[edit] List of Hackers (Hierarchical)

• The Internet Murderer
  • Alan Greenspan
    • HACKERS ON STEROIDS
      • Lunix Users
        • Fry Guy
          • The Cult of the Dead Cow
            • Masters of Deception
              • Everyone else
                • Bill Gates

[edit] List of people who cannot hack

• bobdash
• cripy
• You
• tr0n
• bx
• Kevin Rose
• Mike Sandy
• Michelle Madigan
• Raven (Females cannot hack, period.)
• C a u t i o n(Lol,terence fails)

[edit] List of Things You Can Hack

• World of Warcraft & Second Life. The n00z to prove it.
• LiveJournal
• Cats
• The Internet
• The Gibson
• Passwords
• The Matrix
• Shrubbery
• St4r W4rz
• FurAffinity (cf Weasel)
• Kevin Mitnick
• This place on the Dog Channel
• Your mom dood.
• Encyclopedia Dramatica
• Snow Naval - The irony is that this kid thinks he is a h4xor LOL!
• The Gorillaz Official messageboards
• A crappy gorillaz roleplaying site
• Zone-H
• Auchimura
• Fox News
• World leaders

[edit] Tools needed for hacking

• Steroids
• Computer Science III
• l33t5p33k

[edit] List of things that stop hackers

• Operation Sundevil
• Sunlight
• A Dog
• Curtain
• Dr4g0nK1d

[edit] How to be a Hacker

Being a hacker is deceptively simple. All you have to do watch the 1995 movie "Hackers" and emulate absolutely everything the characters do. This will not only make you a proficient hacker, but will also earn you respect from already established hackers.