Supreme commander
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Supreme Commander is a fairly shitty RTS which has skyrocketed to fame in the RTS community for its only redeeming quality, the Strategic Zoom feature.
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[edit] Origins
In 2007, Gas Powered Games released the only game they have ever created that has gotten them any media coverage whatsoever, called Supreme Commander. Rife with imbalanced gameplay and overpowered units, they have released over 9,000 patches to try to fix their mistakes.
Soon after its release, it was heralded as revolutionary due to one design feature called "Strategic zoom". Admittedly, this is a very cool feature. Too bad its attached to such a poorly put together game.
Essentially, rather than the standard RTS which has the camera either locked at a certain altitude or offers only minimal zooming function, Strategic Zoom lets you zoom all the way out to see the entire map. A nifty feature, since when you do this you get to see all the beautiful terrain and features.
[edit] Gameplay
You walk around building shit and blowing stuff up in your Armored Command Unit (ACU). Its supposed to prevent rushes, but if you defend with it the enemy will just send their commander as fire support for their rush. You can upgrade it, which is probably the only good thing for the Seraphim as their upgrades basically make the ACU invincible, and it comes to your house and fucks your mom in the ass.
In addition to the strategic zoom, you get a HUD that takes up at least 100% of your screen. In this HUD, you can find all the extremely useless buttons you will never be pressing, and none of the ones you will (Such as "quit game").
If you have a small fortune left over from your deceased oil tycoon grandfather, you might be able to make a down payment on a PC that can run this game at full quality. As far as anyone knows, only the FBI and Jesus have computers that can run this game at full quality. However, if you do manage to somehow do it (Some argue it can be done by hooking fifty ordinary computers together) the graphics go from horrible to above mediocre.
What really requires you to have a beef-monster of a PC is the enormous clusterfuck of thousands of AI running idle while you try to make that Czar.
The resources are fairly simple, you have mass and energy. You gain each and lose each at a steady rate, so rather than your factories stubbornly refusing to make units when low on resources, they just make them really fucking slow if your consumption outweighs your production.
Also, don't be fooled by GPG's tales of "strategic warfare" - This game is about zerg rushing the enemy to death.
[edit] Factions
Every RTS has factions. Admittedly, GPG has done a fairly good job at giving each faction their unique feel- by making some units horribly overpowered and some so weak they would lose an arm wrestling match to Richard Simmons.
[edit] Aeon
Feminazis with glowy eyes. No men allowed, except one old pedo who jerks it inside his command suit. Only idiots play Aeon, as they, being women, are the weakest faction to play as.
Units of note:
T1 tank: Brittle and breaks like sugar glass, but too much fucking range.
T2 tank: Always misses, and one has never, ever hit the enemy, partly because they fire so god damned slow.
T2 missiles: Weak fucking sauce.
Some argue they have excellent PD and shields, but as these structures cost over 9,000 mass per second and take at least 100 years to make, you're gonna get rushed if you waste time building them.
[edit] UEF
Nazi commies who want to conquer the other factions to bring peace. Their final solution to the war, unlike the other two factions which have reasonably peaceful solutions, is to simply blow every enemy planet the fuck up with a big fucking laser they're building.
Units of note
T1 light bot: Imba, and WILL be microed every fucking time you're about to shoot at them.
T2 amphibious tank: If the enemy is a UEF and at T2, and you are neither, and he gets a few of these, you are fucked.
Fatboy: Supposed to be a mobile factory, but everyone just parks it inside their base and uses it as a big fucking turret.
[edit] Cybran
At least 100% of top-rated players are Cybran because the Cybrans are the most fucking overpowered zergling shits ever. You can win a match ahead of time by picking Cybran.
Units of Note
T1 heavy bot: Make over 9000, which only takes about four seconds, run them at the enemy base, and squeal in basement-dweller delight as your opponent's puny forces fall to your zerg rush.
No other important units lol, that last one is the only one you need to win the entire game. In the event you fight another Cybran player (Which wont happen because of GPGnet's awesome online) just spam mantises faster than them.
[edit] Seraphim
Added by Forged Alliance. Nobody fucking plays them because aside from combat upgrades for the ACU and the T2 bot they fucking suck, as almost every unit does front-loaded damage and gets killed before it fires a second shot.
Units of Note
T2 bot: See UEF amphibious tank.
ACU: The only ACU in the game to get ridiculously imba combat upgrades at a low price. Of special importance is the restoration field, which turns your ACU into God so it can simply regenerate any amount of damage instantly. Get the upgraded version of that with the weapon damage upgrade and the full nano-repair system and you're ready to simply walk into the enemy's base and destroy fucking everything with overcharges. Alternately, you could spring for the t3 engineering suite in lieu of the weapon damage and simply reclaim all his energy generators and lol as his base shuts off.
[edit] Strategies
1: Pick cybran
2: Build a land factory
3: Make at least 100 mantises
4: Run at enemy base
5: Blow up enemy base
6: Masturbate at your new rating
7: ????
8: Profit!
If you plan on playing as someone other than Cybran, you might actually have to be creative in order to win, something that Cybran players have the ability to safely neglect.
NOTE: This strategy only works in SC Vanilla, in FA you actually need over 9000 factories instead of one.
[edit] Plot
The Aeon found some aliens that taught them some hippie religion, the Cybrans broke free of electronic slavery, and the UEF is butthurt because now the Aeon thinks they're nutjobs and the Cybrans resent being slaves, so the UEF decides that it would be better to simply blow these two factions up rather than, I don't know, do peace talks or some other faggy shit like that. The Cybrans keep their dead professor named Dr. Brackman artificially alive, who was ironically the one who enslaved them in the first place. The Aeon elect a Princess named Rhianne Burke, which makes no fucking sense because princesses are born, not elected or 'chosen', and in order to be a princess there needs to be a mother fucking King. While they are doing this political shit, the UEF starts building a giant superweapon called the Black Sun which will use quantum gates to fire a big laser anywhere in the universe they fucking feel like.
TL;DR: The UEF gets pissed off and starts building the Death Star.
In Forged Alliance, the plot becomes even MORE disposable, as all three factions have put aside their differences after having their shit handed to them by Black Sun to fight off an alien race called the Seraphim, which is seriously kicking everyone's ass. Also ironically, the Seraphim were the alien race that showed the Aeon their peace religion. After teaming up, you're tasked with kicking the shit out of the alien fuckers.
[edit] AI
The AI in Forged Alliance and Supreme Commander is extra retarded, sending units at you in steady lines or small groups so they can get ripped to shreds by your turrets before they even get in range to fire. The AI also has the annoying tendency to build over 9,000 of fucking everything, making them hard to wipe out as you blow up their eighth land factory. In addition, if fired on, the enemy ACU will:
1: follow you until it either kills its target or dies, or
2: Stand in one spot and have a seizure while you shoot it.
This makes the enemy ACU really easy to kill, since it will stand there shooting at your army rather than retreat behind its base's shields and turrets. Since if you lose the ACU you lose the game, it makes an easy win.
[edit] Online
GPGnet promises fast matchmaking and ranked matchups.
What you get is fifteen minute connect times(if you aren't playing FA) and smurfs.
TheCoreCommander is the overlord of GPGnet and will ban any trolls on sight and rage alot, pissing him off is a favorite pastime if you don't mind a chat ban IP ban.
TheArmCommander is pretty much AFK 95% of the time, so he can't be trolled, he also doesn't remember the ban command. He likes jacking off to House MD and considers it a masterpiece.
GPGbot can be easily spammed by saying WHAT PING, as he was coded by an amateur.
80% of the accounts on GPGnet are actually Sir_Loui, Zock, TheBigOne, TheLittleOne, or TAG_ROCK_. The other 20% are Matiz_pl_. By making smurfs, they can feel good about themselves by raping noobs like you by getting around the rank-based match-up system with a smurf.
The games are shorter than the connect times, as the average game against a smurf lasts under thirty seconds, and the connect times take over thirty minutes.
[edit] Trailer
[edit] See also
- Fail
- Basement dweller
- Halo (The creators of Red vs. Blue are making movies based on Supreme Commander called Supreme Surrender, lulz)
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