Dead Rising
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Dead Rising is your typical Zombie game, except you can rape the zombies with everything. The game was one of the most over-hyped pieces of trash of 2006, and the only remnant of the series is a shitty mini-meme, "He's covered wars ya'know.", which only 13 year old boys find funny.
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[edit] The Story
You are Frank West, homosexual photographer that likes to play in mommy's closet, and you're investigating a scoop in the shit hole known as Willamette. You discover that the town has been infected with AIDS, and has caused all the townsfolk to turn into Zombies. While there, you're aided by two Nigras, Brad and Otis, and a White Woman to help take down some Beaner Scum named Carlito, who spread a bunch of zombie drugs around the town, because the Government killed everyone in his Mexican village for conspiring to border-hop.
Half-way through, the Beaner's sister, Isabella, decides to aid you, because he shot her in the arm for not making him a sandwich. In the end, Brad and the White Woman get infected by AIDS and die, and you're stranded in the mall forevar.
But wait, that wasn't the TRUE ending. In the true ending, you find out that Carlito raped 50 orphans around America, and soon, they'll become contagious enough to spread their zombie AIDS throughout the entire world. Frank and the Beaner's sister eventually escape from the mall after beating up a Military Personnel. Frank's closing line was "Fuck the Po-lice."
[edit] Why the Game Sucked
[edit] AI
In a strange showing of accuracy on Capcom's part, the zombies in Dead Rising were actually much smarter than the survivors. This is 100% realistic, since the average American is a white blooded Christian. Most of the game consisted of escorting survivors back to your rumpus room, which often went horribly awry, since your survivors displayed a fetish for being eaten alive and running into crowds of zombies like a herd of them just shat a mound of Jew gold. Why the game encourages you to save these faggots is a mystery, since the world would be much better off without these fucktards making the gene pool look bad.
[edit] Save Slot(s)
During development some dipshit decided it would be better to only give the player one save slot. So when you save the game and then don't have enough time to get to the next objective you have to start the whole thing over. That requires you to sit through the same awful story over 9000 times, unless you decide to just return the shitty game.
[edit] Frank is gay.
Carlito/Frank; rooftop
“How’d you get up here?” Frank’s fists clenched at his sides as Carlito’s lips twitched into a sinister smile. “Don’t just grin at me, I want an answer!”
With a pivot Carlito took a few steps toward the photojournalist; his locket swinging carelessly against his sculpted chest that was particularly visible through the plunging neckline of his shirt. Bringing a hand up to stroke down his slick black hair, he brought his eyes to face Frank’s. “Do you believe now that this is Hell?”
Frank scoffed. “A Hell that you caused.” Carlito grunted in response.
“Isabella knows I’m right you know,” he said, resuming his stroll, circling Frank like a vulture. “And deep down, I know you know I’m right as well.”
“What are you saying?” Frank inquired angrily. Carlito beamed, bringing up his hand and stroking his long fingers down Frank’s neck. The journalist lurched away and put his hand on his camera.
“Don’t be stupid,” Carlito shifted his walk again and pressed his front against him, causing him to back up until his back met the wall. Carlito still pressed on, against him, his sharp nose touching Frank’s. “Isabella will turn, she knows what’s right, she knows that it’s important Santa Cabeza be avenged.” He paused, watching a bead of sweat drip down Frank’s face. “And, she’s taken quite a shine to you, Mr. West.”
“What?” Carlito’s hand grabbed Frank’s arm and slammed him against the concrete wall, making his head lurch forward.
“Join us,” the Latin-American drawled. “You would like to get that scoop right? I can tell you everything you need to know about Santa Cabeza, the zombies, everything!” Frank’s teeth gnashed together at this offer. “You would make Isabella so happy,” Carlito’s tongue flicked outward and ran over his thin lips. “You would make me so happy.”
He further tightened his grip and crushed his lips to Frank’s, letting out the months of restricting his libido and obsession with revenge into the photographer’s mouth. Frank’s arms grabbed at Carlito’s shirt, despite the other man’s attempt at pushing him down and shoved him off, pulling him up to face him angrily. Frank was red in the face and could taste the other man on his lips, he tasted like blood and honey and it made him sick. For a few moments, he held Carlito to him, his hands shaking and a blush highlighting his cheek. He stared down into Carlito’s stormy gray eyes and it hit him hard how much he looked like his sister.
He hadn’t been thinking when he did it, but he returned his lips to Carlito’s and allowed himself to be seduced by the dark side for just a moment. And quite literally as well; as Carlito pushed him against the concrete wall of the rooftop and pulled against his clothes Frank released a groan of satisfaction. His arm wrapped around and pulled the other man’s hair, meeting his tongue as well and the hand that went lower. Carlito reached inside his pants and then into him, squeezing the part of him that made his body shiver and ache. As his calloused fingers played over Frank’s erection, his teeth nipped at the journalist’s neck, making his back arch and his body convulse with pleasure.
It wasn’t as if Frank wasn’t doing his own exploring. His hands slid inside Carlito’s top through the neckline and tweaked his nipples, making the other man huff against his neck and suck on the tender flesh, demanding continuation. Frank obliged, pressing upward and grinding against Carlito and giving him a complete hand full of him. It wasn’t until the two of them were necking once again that Frank felt himself shudder hard and release himself into Carlito’s palm. He ended the stroking, pulling out his hand and holding it out for a second to shake it off.
“You know,” Frank scowled, and in a method to assure his own mindset he said “I only did it because you look like your sister.”
Carlito, for a brief moment, felt like killing him where he stood, but instead a better way of revenge came to mind. “That’s alright, because now, you have to face my sister.” Frank looked down, his red cheeks paling at the sight of the stain on the crotch of his pants. Small, though noticeable, he was too busy staring in horror as Carlito made his leave. “I take it back, you stay with the Americans, I don’t need your sexual tension dragging me down.” He turned his head back to Frank, “Isabella will come back on her own, because she knows it’s the right thing to do.”
As Frank watched him leave (cursing his lack of a long ranged weapon), he grabbed his pants and pondered, amongst revenge, how he would get into the security room unnoticed.
[edit] Otis
Otis' only purpose in this game is to let you know when some dipshit trapped in the mall needs saving, and to jack helicopters. Otis finds it perfect that he can piss Frank off by calling at the most inappropriate times to give the most useless information ever. Otis has used his MIT degree to modify the radio given to Frank to where, when he is talking on it, it will send an electrical charge to Frank's brain to make sure he can't put down the radio or do anything except jog. You can see in Frank's eyes that he wants to shove that radio up Otis' ass, but he chooses not to, because Otis may interpret that as a sexual advance and rape him, and the fact that he's a black ass nigger and likes buttsecks and other moar black kinky secks.
[edit] Psychopaths
The bosses in this game are basically a bunch of insane fucks tripping on acid. When designing the boss battles, Capcom decided to be lazy, and go smoke meth instead of adding a shred of creativity to the game. Because of this, every boss battle is over in less than 10 seconds, since you can just cut the fuckers in half with a chainsaw. The end boss somehow manages to be more broken than all the others, by only letting the player defeat him by running in a circle and kicking him in the face for five minutes straight until he falls into a sea of zombies.
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
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