Apple
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Apple's claim to fame is that they invented the PC even though it was actually invented by the CTC . Apple is also known as the one company that had to be paid by Microsoft to stay in business. Led by all-star douchebag Steve Jobs, Apple is the favorite high-tech company of "artistes" everywhere. This is because people believe Apple makes awesome computers that off-set their exorbitant price by becoming obsolete only once every thursday. The truth is, they are merely victims of the Reality Distortion Field. While Apple may have done some neat things in the past, they are now just a music company.
Mac users were once the most annoying computer fans on the planet. Now they are the second most annoying, after Linux users. They are continuously bragging about how easy a one-button mouse is, how great the benefits of the "genie" effect are, and act like BSD was just invented. Unfortunately, if you want to be famous, you have to be a Mac user.
Despite all their idiotic fanboys, Apple has still done some cool things. They did create the Apple II. Also, they made the world aware of the dogcow. iMacs are also really pretty to look at, and they make 8-year-old girls want to go out and buy jelly beans.
Apple has borne an unearthly hatred for Microsoft ever since being marooned on Ceti Alpha V, but Bill Gates still does not mind raking in the cash from all those Microsoft Office sales.
According to a survey taken in early 2000, Apple had sold a total of 315 Macs to customers on 2 continents. However, with Apple's recent success, these figures have seen a great increase. A moar recent study shows that Apple now has 908 owners on 3 continents, all of which are female college students, gay hipsters, or old people with poor eyesight who mistook a MacBook for a lime-green George Foreman Grill. This leaves Apple only slightly behind Microsoft's user base of 4.6 billion (mostly non-retarded) customers.
In June 2005, over 9000 PowerPC fans gathered in Cupertino, California in order to collectively slit their wrists. This was meant to protest Apple's move to Intel, but instead provided welcome industrial dye for the new U2-endorsed, strawberry-flavoured Mac Mini.
Rumor Fact has it that after being questioned about Apple's move to Intel, Steve Jobs answered "I did it for the lulz".
Apple's corporate slogan is "Fuck Different."
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Apple Users
| — Tyler Pittman, ED Mailing List. |
Apple users believe that they are better than you are, but what they don't know is that Macs were originally (and are still today) made purely for watching gay porn. People who subscribe to Apple's corporate philosophy (see human slavery) often espouse the notion that Apple products are somehow inherently more liberal than other things built out of metal and silicon. While this is true for the special case of Ann Coulter, Apple users are in all other cases simply the delusional but willing victims of trendy advertising, which makes expensive computers made by fascists appear to be a counter-culture political statement. Apple users are simply fucktards who will believe anything they see in a commercial, as long as it agrees with the knee-jerk opinions they have already formed from other advertisements. In the final analysis Apple users are helpless slaves irrevocably wed to the mediated and hyper-hedonistic run away freight train of industrial society; thanks to iPods built with alien mind control technology they are unable to conceive existence outside of music, video, and images. It is these legions of iPod wearing zombies with their thick black framed glasses and trendy shiny hair who are the Storm-Troopers of the 'Great-Beast'. See, Protocols of the Elders of Macintosh.
Your average Apple consumer
If you want to know who a typical Apple user is, take a look at any one of the iMac commercials. Apple fans are people who like to be told what to do, and who cannot think for themselves, but merely like to hear one side of an argument from a biased source and never hear the other side of the argument. In other words, Liberals. Your average Apple consumer will be a 20something Hipster named Grant with stupid chunky black plastic rimmed glasses and/or dyed black emo hair or a bald head (kind of like that fag Moby - who loves Apple so much that he was featured in the iPod introduction video). They are generally the kinds of people who major in lighting, attend modern art galleries on a regular basis, listen to Radiohead, drink cappuccino, eat organic shit, listen to Indie, and cry while masturbating furiously in the corner to stylistic, artistic, sepia coloured pictures of Thom Yorke. They will generally live in either an ugly Victorian townhouse or some other area populated by pretentious champagne socialists. Mac users are to be avoided at all costs beaten to death with a 15 inch black plastic cock.
Remember that there's a world of difference between "acting intelligent" and actually "being intelligent" - of course, this statement could only resonate to the mind of a PC user, so you Apple Boys just ignore it and keep on reading.
You'll quite often find your typical Apple consumer driving a pompous Eurotrash vehicle (e.g. BMW, SAAB, Volkswagen, Peugot), or Subaru with a kayak or pair of cross country skis on the roof, not because they needed it or really even wanted it, but because they felt it would set them aside from all those "other people" ('other people' being those who don't act like faggots).
Criticism
A secret survey conducted by the Rand Corporation in the 1970s confirmed that any person attracted to white, plastic machines completely without sharp edges is an utter homosexual, subconsciously wishing to insert them into his rectum. (This thesis was famously defended by Sigmund Freud at least 100 years ago.) This led some to theorize that the miraculous upsurge in sales at the dawn of the new millennium, after a long period during which no one would buy an Apple computer, was the result of a coup backed by the CIA. It could not be a coincidence, it was argued, that every new design released by Apple had a counterpart amongst the suggestions presented in the Rand Corporation survey, which had recently been made public, to which it was almost identical. The CIA's interest in the coup supposedly was to divert the interest of the inhabitants of California towards "expressing themselves" with shitty programs such as iPhoto, Pages and iMovie (all designed especially to appeal to homosexuals) so that the Republicans could regain power from the Democrats in the 2000 presidential elections. The CIA confessed its partaking in the coup after the Republican Thousand Year Empire was secured in 2004, and admitted to doing this 'for the lulz.'
In summary, Apple products represent precisely what you don't want to be either in mind, body, or spirit. Avoid all traces of this evil in your otherwise rewarding journey through life and never forget to enjoy the occasional chuckle at the expense of the typical Apple dweeb in your neighborhood.
However, all criticism of Apple and their products should be ignored, as everyone is tsundere for Apple, as made blatantly by this article's length compared to that of Windows.
DRM
Steve Jobs has said that Apple is against DRM, but this is complete and total bullshit because everyone who isn't retarted knows that DRM will help Apple sell millions of iPods, even though in the future they will only be associated with homosexuals (they already are, amirite?). If you haven't put this together yourself then allow me to do it for you. DRM means that once a consumer purchases music off iTunes he (we omit the she because women are supposed to be in the kitchen makin' dinner while the men are out shopping fucking with hot chicks who are totally asking for it) will only be able to listen to that music on his iPod and in iTunes. OH SHIT, MY IPOD BROKE - Ha. Good luck with that. Guess what? You fucked yourself. That's right. That Dragonforce that you purchased on iTunes only works on iTunes. The latest iPod looks gay so you decide you want a Zune. After pluggin' it in you try to put the music you purchased on iTunes onto the Zune. You get so angry you have sex with a couple of the goats that you keep in your mom's basement, punch out your parole officer and cut your dick off in a morphine-induced high. As a result of the protection you have to buy another iPod to listen to your 9000 dollars worth of music. Apple argues that it doesn't sell DRM-free music because of the record companies. However, this is a lie because all the same music can be bought without DRM on Amazon MP3.
THUS: APPLE MAKES MONEY OFF YOUR STUPIDITY.
Features of a Mac
Software
The Macintosh OS is ripped off from the BSD and Mach kernels (both of which are free and open-sourced). Mac software consists entirely of stolen Windows software from the 1970s, redesigned to be even moar homosexual and retarded, and about 50 times as expensive. Somehow, this poorly coded, rehashed software takes up as much hard drive space as one hundred installations of WoW; for this, you can thank Steve Jobs for his landmark contribution to the world of computers and digital technology.
Apple also likes to brag about the fact that you can OMG WRITE EMAILS AND CHAT ONLINE WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS, as though this were an impressive accomplishment, despite the fact that Macs fail at performing even these rudimentary tasks. Trying to get a Mac program to run properly, or even run at all, is only slightly more difficult than teaching your Chia pet to do calculus. Fortunately, Macs have a total of seven software programs available to date, so you won't have to worry about this problem much.
Mac Viruses
Ever wondered where all the viruses for Macs are? Mac fanboys will bullshit you, saying that it is due to the Mac's enhanced virus protection, but the real reason is because for a virus to exist, someone has to be around to make it. And nobody uses Macs. That's right, Macs can't even get negative attention. Noone gives a shit about them. This explains why there are 863 viruses for Lunix, even though it only has 1% market share.
Mac's idea of "virus protection" is not letting you install half the programs that exist on the internets.
Against common belief, a few viruses exist on all Apple machines ranging from old (at least as recently as last thursday) to new (except for the ones that are new, give it a week or four.) CERT listed about 258 Apple security vulnerabilities in May, 2008. Apple keeps the ones it discovered secret. A newer one fucks with gravity sensors inside the MacBook (which further proves they are insane) and ejaculates your MacBook to space. Users of this virus simply plug in a USB flash drive and if autorun is active on said MacBook, it is fucked. Unfortunately for said virus, autorun does not exist on OSX, rendering this virus somewhat useless, relying instead on the "honour system," whereby the user must erase their hard drive manually. Mac loving faggots (aka Fanbois) will constantly complain about this, claiming that this is not a virus but a "prank which fucks up your computer". On a serious note: WHAT THE FUCK ELSE IS A VIRUS?
Gaming
LOL WUT? To date not even battle toads, one of the most profound and popular games ever invented, is available to play on a Macintosh computer. In order to game on a Mac you would have to buy one of those much less expensive, slightly less homosexual computers. However, like all decisions there is a down side. Gaming on a slightly less homosexual, slightly more evil machine would mean that the probability that you're a basement dweller increases over 9000 percent. It should be noted that to please Koreans world-wide, Blizzard has signed an agreement to make Starcraft Mac-accessible. Apple was afraid of such a loss of profit due to the abundance of Korean faggotry that they could not afford to lose such a market. Great business plan Apple!
Password Saving
Students can buy a program that organizes your passwords for just 15 bucks (instead of 49)! This is totally awesome. For just 15 bucks you don't need to re-type your password whenever you choose to switch to another browser without importing the old one's preferences.
Yes, this is considered useful in the macfag community. If you have just spent twice the money for the same hardware, 15 bucks don't matter.
Things You'll Never See A Mac Do
- Load files
- Load websites
- Load accounts
- Play games
- Update existing software (because there never was any to begin with)
- Take less than 100 years to get online
- Stay online for more than .0003 nanoseconds
- Last for even a week without requiring extensive repair
- Be plugged in without blowing every fuse in your house
- Do anything even remotely resembling the normal functions of a computer
- Be able to function as anything except a clunky, hideously ugly, $3,000 paperweight
Apple in Popular Culture
- Apple Macs were the high tech backbone of Jurassic Park's security system. However, due to a large amount of fail, lulz ensued.
- The Apple Newton was used by Vin Diesel in UNDER SIEGE 4: THE REVENGE, where he helped defend a hijacked passenger space shuttle from rebel Nigras. However, due to a large amount of fail, lulz ensued.
- A Macintosh Performa 600 was used in the movie Blank Check. Counterfeiters, take note: if it worked in a Disney movie in 1994, it will probably still work today.
- iMacs were used in the movie i-Robot (note the product endorsement) to program "intelligent" robot beings who would later rape the humans for their blood and Jewgold in a crazy haphazard sort of mix up similar to what will happen to Apple in the coming years.
- In the movie "Sneakers," Robert Redford h4xxor3d the CIA using a Mac Classic. However, they got him when he was caught playing Oregon Trail. Lulz ensued.
- After David Koresh and the Branch Davidians were pwn3d by the ATF, CSI showed that they were caught by suprise fapping off to porn on Macs. Lulz ensued.
- In the movie "Independence Day" Jeff Goldblum used an ibook to upload a Laughing Skull Virus to the alien mainframe, causing them to be easily defeated. The death of the aliens allowed the future of mankind and lulz to continue.
- The infamous killer robot in the movie "2001: A Space Odyssey" ran on Mac OSX, proving that Mac can be just as evil if not more, than Microsoft.
Videos
Gallery
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Other Apple Products
See Also
- Steve Jobs
- Official Spokesperson: Ellen Feiss
- BOLO: The only game to ever be released on a Mac.
- Superpower: Reality Distortion Field
- Apple switch ads
- Typical Mac Propaganda: Lowter
- Microsuck
- MacRumors
