I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. I mean this both literally and figuratively. Not only was I in a pissy mood, but I was also on the wrong side of the bed. I was trapped like a Uruguayan rugby player in the Andes, wedged between mattress and wall. Bizarrely positioned and beyond numb in every appendage, I felt like a cross between Stephen Hawking and a discarded prom night prophylactic. Rallied forth by poop tremors, I dragged myself out from the living tomb of A-Team sheets and made my way to the lavatory where I pondered the eternal conundrum that is finishing up the deuce process with numb arms. Needless to say, this series of events did little to aid my already angry disposition.
I parked my car and began my walk to class in the cold stinging rain. Going down the steps from the lot, I noted that even after two weeks no one had the good sense or kind heart to turn a hose on the exceptionally large and amorphous pile of vomit that lay there upon the steps. At this point I could only assume that it was some part of an art project or bizarre social experiment and continued on my way. A few blocks later I realized something from that pile of vomit; I hadn't visited my neighbor the Burger King in some time. And coincidentally enough The King was angry too, and taking it out on his Whoppers!
The Reveal
This is what my $5.89 gets you. It looks like a lot, but realize that in some parts of the world that same amount can buy you a virgin and two fatted sows. Or vice-versa.
Yes, that is indeed four packets of ketchup. This is the kind of star treatment only an important fellow like myself can receive. I’ll bet Gary Busey doesn’t even get four ketchups.
And there it is. The Burger King Angry Whopper. A standard whopper at heart, but with the addition of Angry Onions, jalapeños, pepper jack cheese, and Angry Sauce. Weighing in at 880 calories, this is the smallest of the Angry lineup. It’s also available as a double at 1120 calories and a triple weighing in at 1360 calories. I decided to avoid the larger of the three as I would like to avoid riding a chair up my staircase like Mrs. Deagle. We all know how well that turned out.
The Mastication
Why does every fast food burger I get look like it was designed by a half-blind French engineer? Is this part of the Angry marketing scheme?
This is the part where I eat my words. It held together. Well even. Minimal drippage occurred, and that which did hit the paper was clearly from an eager tomato and not any sort of condiment or grease meat juice. Score one for the Angry Whopper.
But there did arise a problem. This was an “Angry” Whopper, not an “Irritated” Whopper or an “OMG What’s The Matter Honey? Nothing! ” Whopper. So where was the Angry? It’s not in the sauce. It appears to be, at best, a watered down wing topping with an extra dose of sweet. It’s not in the pepper-jack cheese either, nor was it the Angry Onions. The jalapeños did have a slight bite, but still this sandwich is not anywhere near a level that seemed indicated on the advertisements. But are they ever?
Overall Impressions
Despite the fact they tout it as Lewis Black when it’s really just a coked up Steven Wright, it wasn’t as terrible as I expected. It was almost decent, but one major factor will always hold the King back for me.
I hate albino lettuce and they always give me albino lettuce. There may be a sprig or too of green in there on occasion, but for the most part it’s whiter than the crowd at a Dave Matthew’s Band concert. Quit bogarting the green, King.
That's when you bring one home, throw on some hot sauce, maybe some sliced habanero, and see how much you can take before you start hearing your ass scream.
We must remember, advertising like this is aimed in he same way that No Child Left Behind is aimed at students: Those who have the least tollerance (or intelligence) will dictate how far things can go.
It's Burger King. If that doesn't bother you, it's actually pretty good. But no, not spicy. I can't stand spicy foods and I rather like this burger in that "Fuck it, I'm hungry NOW" kind of way.
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SnakePlissken
Corvallis, OR
December 2002
JAN 30, 2009 06:22 PM