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Columns > Balancing Act > #37:
The Deck of Despair
"Know, oh Prince, that in the days when the Warrior Known as Daddy trod the freshly mown lawn beneath his sandaled feet, before he gave up on home maintenance and bought a condo, that an endless series of horrifying misadventures befell him as even the most seemingly mundane chores became epic struggles."  Torches flickered in the corner of the room as the Seer known as Mommy regarded the mighty thewed warrior before her. "Welcome, warrior! What brings thee before us today?" she asked. The warrior known as Daddy hesitated. He was a man of action, more comfortable with a shovel or drill in his hand than speaking before an audience, even if it was only one person, and he was speaking in his own kitchen. He girded himself up, and said: "It has been two years. It is time to reseal the deck." A hush fell over the audience chamber, which is not surprising because the Warrior and the Seer were the only people there. Then the seer cackled. "Reseal the deck? RESEAL THE DECK? Have you forgotten what happened the LAST time you sealed the deck?" "I managed to do it." "Really? Let me refresh your memory. 2 years before. The warrior struggles for 4 hours to apply the Elixir of Weather Sealing to the railings of the deck. After doing ¾ of the deck, he finishes his first gallon of the Elixir and starts the second. And notices the colors do not match. Quickly he picks up the empty vessel from the first gallon, and realizes he'd never stirred it, the colored pigmentation was still on the bottom. "Okay, so I had a bit of trouble at first. But I remembered to stir the sealant after that, and I finished the deck." "Have you forgotten what happened NEXT?" asked the Seer. 2 years before, the day AFTER the day that has become known as the Day of the Unstirred Sealant. The warrior known as Daddy finishes using a roller to apply Sealant to the last few feet of the deck. He stands, looks back over his work, and sees that the sealant has already dried. And dried in a terrible, uneven coating. Bands the width of the roller are clearly visible throughout the deck, some nearly clear, others thickly coated with sealant. It dawned on the warrior that perhaps the instructions on the Flask of Sealant were wrong, and that perhaps it was not possible to put down a good, even coat with a roller. "Okay. Yes. The roller was a failure. I consulted some experts after that, and got some good advice!" "Yes. You contacted your friend Mike. And what did he tell you," coaxed the Seer. The warrior blushed. "He said I was a fool. He said everyone knew you can't do sealant with a roller. He asked why I didn't just go out and get a pump sprayer and do the whole deck in half an hour. And that worked great!" "Yes. It did. Too bad you didn't consult the weather oracle," said the Seer. 2 years ago, the day after The Day The Roller Failed. The warrior stands at the end of his deck, smiling at the clean, even coating of his deck. It looks good. He is pleased. It has been a long, hard struggle, but well worth it. The warrior's smile fades as he hears the first peals of thunder. Grabbing one of the Sealant Flasks at his feet, he reads "Caution! Be sure to apply this sealant on a day when no rain is predicted. Allow 24 hours for sealant to dry!" The tears flowing down the warrior's cheeks are invisible in the heavy rain that begins to fall on him. "But I didn't quit!" shouted Daddy. "I finished the job! "Yes," replied the seer. "But your $50 project that was only supposed to use three gallons of sealant, a roller, and a brush ended up costing us $225 for 9 gallons of sealant, a roller, 4 brushes, and 2 sprayers (you smashed the first sprayer to bits when it rained)." Daddy smiled at the memory of smashing the sprayer. That had been fun. "But I know what I'm doing this time! It'll be easy! I already know to stir the sealant, check the weather, and to use a sprayer. What could go wrong?" (note to the oblivious: that's called "foreshadowing") The Seer continued to fight, but in the end it was moot. The warrior was right, the deck DID need to be resealed. She just knew that somehow, in some way, the fight would be harder than the warrior thought. They always were. And so it was that the warrior began. And in truth, it DID start off well. Daddy powerwashed the deck on Sunday. The weather forecast for Monday was clear. Daddy returned home from his day job early to do the spraying, and things got off to a great start. He stirred the paint, filled the sprayer, said a quick prayer, and began to spray. He managed to do the entire inside railing. He began to spray the deck itself. He was careful not to spray any of the sealant on the siding of the house, because the sealant was a thick, oily substance and it getting it off could be a major project in and of itself. (note: there's that foreshadowing again!) But it was a windy day, and as the sprayer sprayed, a fine mist of the sealant blew back into the warriors face and coated his glasses, obscuring his vision. As he finished the deck, he stepped off and prepared for the last stretch – to spray the OUTSIDE of the railing. And so he began. But he had become overconfident. The curse of the deck was still active, simply acting in a more subtle fashion. It had lulled the warrior with a false sense of security, and now it struck. Unbeknownst to Daddy, one of the nozzles of the sprayer had become partially clogged. Not fully clogged, which would have prevented any of the Elixir of Sealant from coming out, but partially clogged, which made the spray of sealant, which had been coming out in a short, fine spray, into a much longer stream, and as Daddy moved the sprayer nozzle up and down, this longer stream was spraying OVER the railing and splashing against the house. Had Daddy's glasses not been coated with sealant, he might have noticed this, but he didn't and he continued spraying, happily humming a song to himself as he thought to himself, incorrectly, that this was all going so wonderfully well. It wasn't until the sprayer ran out of sealant, and the warrior took a moment to clean his glasses, that he noticed something wrong. Looking past the railing, he saw some spots of sealant on the siding. Ignoring the still wet sealant on the deck, he ran over it to examine the siding, and was horrified to find a 20 foot long stretch spattered from ground level to 8 feet in the air with the oily, clingy sealant. He was at a loss. He stumbled off of the deck in shock. His emotions were at war… should he give in? Quit? It would be so easy to succumb to oblivion. But Daddy was a warrior. The Deck would not win, not while there was still breath in his body. The Deck WOULD be sealed, and the village would have cookouts on it, as they did in ages past. Daddy flung the sprayer across the lawn (and boy did that feel good!) and ran into the house, not noticing the sealant he tracked across the floor from his sneakers, and grabbed a roll of paper towels. Luckily, the part of the house that had been spattered was in shade, and so had not even begun to dry, and so Daddy, with much scrubbing and use of elbow grease, was able to slowly wipe away the sealant. It was a bitter fight. Daddy struggled for hours… indeed, this struggle took far longer than sealing the actual deck had. The sealant had entered into every crack and crevice of the siding, but Daddy was able to wipe most of it away. At least, so that you couldn't tell. From a distance. If you didn't look too hard. The warrior stumbled into the house, working on excuses, only to discover that, in fact, his work was not done. For upon entering the house he discovered sealant all over the tile floor, in the form of his own footprints. TO BE CONTINUED
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