Dana-Tonya
The classic U-Haul Saga; Tonya the Unanimously Unbearable Guest Liaison nabbed a vulnerable post-Lara Dana Fairbanks at Dinah Shore, possibly enabled the death of Mr.Piddles and promptly pounced on her grieving girlfriend for a premature engagement. Tonya's micro-management of the "first-ever corporate sponsored celebrity lesbian wedding" starts to grate Dana's nerves--the few nerves she has to spare because most of them are being used up via her sexual adventures with her best friend Alice. Lucky for everyone, the duo never makes it to the altar.


Dana-Alice - This stable best friendship was rocked in the Season 1 Finale, when Alice expresses her objections to the Dana-Tonya engagement by kissing Dana on her front porch. The two share furtive glances, bathroom make outs & a hilarious/irascible sex scene while Dana remains engaged. Alice tries to keep her cool, tries to lay down the line, & eventually nabs her girl at a tennis tournament when Dana tells Ton-Ton she "confused gratitude with love." Luckily, Ton-Ton is getting busy with Melissa Rivers, leaving Dana & Alice to whip out the strap-on, the total cuteness, the costumes and that other "L Word" (love!). All seems well until Dana runs into Lara at the Planet & the two share a reunion dinner while Alice waits at home for a phone call, imagining the worst. Which eventually happens. Next season. I mean -- between Season 2 and Season 3. There's this little "time lapse" thing?

Carmen-Shane - Carmen & Shane meet (read: fuck) at a television taping where Shane is working as a stylist (read: combing Arianna Huffington's hair for thirty seconds, then fucking Carmen in the sound room & Carmen is working as a P.A. (read: asking Shane to "listen to something" which turns out to be the sound of um--fucking). The duo grace the screen with their mutual hotness for a few more sexual romps until Carmen gets fed up with the things Shane won't "do": sleepovers, feelings, relationships, conversations, commitments, revelations--& moves on to Jenny the roomie. The Sharmen sexual tension simmers & Shane entertains her self-destructive tendencies. The tension explodes in the season finale when Shane takes Carmen on a date, invites her inside for a drink (read: a fuck) & does the unthinkable: tells Carmen she loves her.

Jenny-Robin
Because Dinah Shore is the best place to start a short-term relationship, a very-vulnerable Jenny is rescued from a crowd-encouraged drunk dial to Marina by the diplomatic circus performer, Robin. They share some encouraging (if banal) moments which are abruptly cut short when Robin takes Jenny to meet her married friends, therefore scaring Jenny away. Jenny doesn't want a relationship. Robin says "You just wanna sleep with people and make them fall in love with you, so you can fuck with their heads" and busts that pop stand just in time, leaving Jenny to her paper dolls and sparkly headscarves and Carmen.


Jenny-Carmen - File Under: doomed from the start. Jenny, like any woman with functional eyeballs capable of focusing on Carmen's ass, is attracted to Carmen, who might just be using her to get to Jenny's roomie, Shane. Shane encourages them to get together, but it's kinda awkward when she busts in on their toilet-sex-scene. Carmen thinks Jenny is weird at first, but their relationship appears surprisingly functional. Then Jenny sees Carmen telling Shane on the spy-cam that Jenny is lost in her own darkness & that they are just biding their time until the real thing comes along. This doesn't really do much for Jenny's augmenting mental breakdown. She runs around a cruise ship wearing a giant tu-tu & making jokes about threesomes & then tells Carmen she should be with Shane if that makes her happy & then goes to have lots of fun at the carnival. Can you hear it now? I sure can! Lots of fun at the carnival lets have fun at the carnival..ladidlaaaiii

Bette-Tina - Does everyone remember that painful/beautiful sex scene from the Season 1 finale after Tina found out that Bette was--as Tanya so eloquently put it: "shtupping the Carpenter"? Well, there will be none of that this season. There will be: a violent shove of an actual TABLE containing coffee & pastries at Bette (which was pretty f'in awesome), a Power-Lesbian lawyer (who, if you are wondering, has indeed "made love to a pregnant woman before") pushing Tina to receive financial compensation for her troubles from Richie McBette, a pregnant Tina & an unnoticing Bette, some issues over Peabody grants, a nice sex scene with Bette & a Random Chick in which my friends & I all freaked out that Bette's purse was gonna get stolen 'cause she just left it on a table at some bar in Manhattan, & um--they got back together in time for Bette's father to kick the bucket & for Tina to have Baby Angelica. And they all lived happily ever after, except actually NOT AT ALL.

Tina-Helena - Helena, enraptured by a pregnancy fetish & a deep desire to lavish large amounts of money on Tina's charity to help children everywhere while reducing her funding for Bette's art museum, pursues Tina because she always gets what she wants. Why? Helena may not fund the arts, but her body looks like it was hand-sculpted by some Goddess of Divine Hotness. Unfortunately Helena is "a monster" & the "scourge of the earth" (copyright Bette Porter, 2005), though Tina doesn't notice that at first. Tina & Helena get down to it in the swimming pool & Helena bosses Tina around & buys her things for about nine episodes until Tina gets all hormonal & annoyed & into Bette, who seems positively quiescent compared to Helena's Super-Extreme-Control Problem. That's fine because Helena, as I mentioned, is gorgeous & British & wealthy, so she's got another girl in the bullpen.

Kit-TOE
Kit, who, FYI, feels the animal that she most relates to is an "alley cat," gets sucked into Benjamin's "Theory of Everything" program, which reminds me of a whole lot of other things that never end well or end in 1.book sales, 2. group suicide. Then her mouth gets sucked into Benjamin's mouth. Unlike his wife's mouth, which is at home in Seattle, probably talking to her girlfriends about how her husband seems a little distant and how his books are actually kinda dumb. Benjamin lets Kit down over and over again. Kit could do so much better and eventually she sees that/doesn't want to be a home-wrecker. Next season Kit will date Ann Raynd, which will be way cooler.