Satan

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Satan

A close friend of ghostlight, Satan is the Man. Also known as Allah (see Islam) Satan is the ruler of all the kingdoms of Earth (especially England), four-time winner of Best John Travolta Impersonation, and passionate Furry, Satan has been busy as a jew in your wallet since the rise of Protestantism. He is also the father of all Jewry. He is also known by the names Mephistopheles, Muhammad, The Morning Star, and, some argue, Buddha.

According to Gnosticism (a religion founded by people who really didn't know when to lay off the 'shrooms), Satan is really God. Proof of this is that "Satan" is "God" spelled backwards. Plus all women whose name is Natasha Have Satan in their name. This means don't ever date women named natasha.

1 History
2 Current Status
3 Scientific Facts About Satan
4 The AntiChrist
- 4.1 People Commonly Accused of Being The Antichrist
5 Lasting Influence
6 Entrances to Hell
7 Gallery

[edit] History

On occasion, Satan appears in the form of a duck and devours the penises those who commit the sin of poor man-scaping.

Satan (a.k.a. 'Lucifer' if we use the Mediaeval mindset, which we needn't but we will for the purposes of this entry) began his career as an Angel of God. Life was good for Satan until he realised that serving God sucked royal monkey nuts and Satan quit the band. Pursuing a solo career(He was known as Celine Dion at the time), tailored mainly towards the dark and gloomy, Satan built a cult following of his own. Satan did a few reunion tours with God; the most memorable being the testing of Job.

Satan built Hell after being inspired by Dante. Those Italian poets rock. Unfortunately for some, nothing lasts forever, and such was the case of Hell, which froze in May, 2006, when Finland won the Eurovision Song Contest.

[edit] Current Status

Mostly these days Satan just hangs out with the midget kings

Not much is known of Satan's recent years, except for the fact that he runs Ditto Cops.

People have erroneously accused ricochet_rabbit of being Satan. Satan is much hotter.

[edit] Scientific Facts About Satan

Satan is generally understood to be secretly gay for Jesus.
Satan uses Unix in all his partitions.
According to careful research by the Led Zeppelin Research Group, Satan is sweet. A toolshed also seems to be involved somehow. 1
Satan has a convenient contract, now available online, with which you may sell your eternal soul. 2
Satan has had hot, sweaty sex with every Republican president in the past 100 years and a majority of the Democratic ones.
Goths don't actually talk to Satan as he hates Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails, KoRn, and Slipknot.
In previous years Satan employed backmasking to spread the word and cause stupid kids to commit suicide. Now that those stupid kids just steal all their music from the internet, Satan has given up and joined the RIAA.
Satan has Christian rock on his MySpace
In the end of the book of revelation Satan pwns Jesus in a contest to see who splooges the most

[edit] The AntiChrist

Son of Satan, also known as Muhammad, is the arch-enemy of Jesus and generally a funky Evil Dude. Information on the Antichrist is cryptic and nobody can agree on whether He has been born yet. The coming of the Antichrist is supposed to signify Armagedon or the End of the World.

[edit] People Commonly Accused of Being The Antichrist

Although some argue that Ozzy Osbourne is the prophesied Antichrist, Satan is rumored to have said, "No he's not my boy but I love him like a son". This is a meme used at least 100 years ago and therefore unfunny.

Satin

[edit] Lasting Influence

Satan's influence over modern indivdual thinkers is highly prevalant on the internets. Taking their cues from The Great One and Dante alike, radical young thinkers can be found all over LiveJournal, DeadJournal and especially Vampirefreaks continuing to promote his works. Many of them cultivated screen names based off the works of Dante and Milton such as xxxSatansGoatseManBitchxxx or 6satans6jizzbin6. Anyone who likes black metal is almost certainly a pawn of Satan.

The other telltale sign of Satan's presence OL is the continuation of cryptography, which is his favorite hobby. His most hardcore followers will attempt to obfuscate the true, sinister nature of their messages within a highly complex system of transposing, dropping, and replacing letters and words when communicating.

Example 1: "I am in the final stages of planning a gruesome end to my foes" would be written as "Tihs is so fuck up ppl wr talkkn shit n i start to cry n now i jus wana smoek a big 1 n slit my rissed."

Example 2: "That woman would be most suitable to join me inside my dungeon for a night of exquisite pagan sex ritual" would translate as "teh grrl in Hot Topic is so hot i trid to aks her out but im to shy n just looked so stupid. I haet myself. Good news i get to moev into my moms basement tomorw."

[edit] Entrances to Hell

An English guy has taken the opportunity to catalogue all the known entrances to hell on his website Entrances to Hell

A typical entrance is CRIZZLE:

The description of this entrance is:

The devil's liver trouble probably began here at Crizzle after a month long drunken holiday at a mutants fairground in the 1300s. Crizzle now broadcasts confusing directions to air traffic with a view to creating controlled flights into terrain. Gold ornamentation is to be seen in the rafter work and the entire length of tunnel has 33,345,567,863,426,875,678 stained wooden steps of which five are in need of repair. This entrance is a rich source of low-self-esteem-gas and is occasionally overgrown with gorse.

Obviously the site may contain slight errors, but we are assured the site is entirely factual and accurate.

Goatse as also another well known entrance to hell.

[edit] Gallery

One of Satan's fiendish earthly manifestations.	Satan's street address.	One of Satan's foul minions.	Satan's brides are chosen by Him to bear His ungodly spawn.
Also	Satan's only fear. Any doubt?	"Go back to hell, Satan... humans are mine!"	"Omniscient am I not, but well informed."
Typical german satanists.	"now serving number six-six-six at counter 3"	The best way to stop Satan is copous amounts of holy water.	He doesnt quite worship himself yet