Goth
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Goths are dirty clove smoking hippies. Goths wake up in the morning and put their shit on and say "gawd i look good" and then proceed to go to Starbucks in the evening and get insomnia. Real Goths provide lulz for people who are fail.
Those who want to be Goth but are DOING IT WRONG are generally angsty teens, sixteen year-old attention whores and closeted gay boys who are still in high school. They are obsessed with "dark" music and "dark" poetry, and come in two sizes: morbidly obese and flies-on-the-face Ethiopian-thin.
Real Goths are essentially people who wear more makeup and listen to good bands like Tupac, Britney Spears, Shakira, Backstreet Boys, Clan of Xymox, Down AKA kilo, Justin Timberdick, Girls Aloud, Mexican Music, and the Beatles, instead of Cradle of Filth and Linkin Park. Tara Gilesbie is definitely one of them, as proven by her constant name-dropping of totally goffik band My Chemical Romance and self-harming. Because all Goths are fags.
Contrary to faggotry and ignorance, Goths and Emos are the same thing. Emos tend to dress in a shitty and shallow watered-down version of a Hardcore Punk, while Goths spend hundreds of dollars on clothing designed by brands that you can find at any Hot Topic.
Emos tend to whine, pretend to have problems, and won't shut the fuck up, while Goths on the other hand are usually somewhat psychotic, manic-depressive and keep things to themselves. This does not detract from the truth of the fact that most members of either group are losers.
It has been proven that hanging around Goths will inevitably make you wish you were Batman or death.
Contents |
[edit] A Brief History of Goth
The goth movement had its start as "New Romantics" in the mid-70s, (which was the depressed child of the pissed off Punk movement), when it was associated with many now-defunct bands. Sometime in the mid-'80s, thanks to Rozz Williams, Robert Smith, and Siouxsie Sioux, it morphed into the "Gothic look," involving pale skin, shatterproof hair, fake vampire teeth and excessive amounts of eyeliner. For some inexplicable reason this fad caught on, and thus the "goths" were born.
Like everything, the popularity of the goth look and lifestyle waxes and wanes. As a subculture, goth makes a rebirth about every 6 to 8 years, following, as it did before, on the punk and late hippie phases. The current goth subculture is focused around Synthpop, Industrual, Deathrock, EBM, Gothic Rock, Futurepop, Halloween, and the films The Nightmare Before Christmas, Edward Scissorhands, and The Crow.
[edit] Goth Canon
The "canon" of classic goth bands includes:
- London After Midnight (technically pure Goth)
- Christian Death (technically classic Goth; Deathrock)
- Sigue Sigue Sputnik (technically a satellite with "Sigue Sigue" written before it)
- Alien Sex Fiend (technically a sex-obsessed, Alice Cooper-worshiping skeleton-look-a-like from another planet)
- Sisters of Mercy (technically a rock and roll band, since the singer is a nun)
- Siouxsie and the Banshees (and the Creatures; a side project) (technically a sandwich)
- Bauhaus (technically David Bowie's whores)
- Ziggy Stardust (technically David Bowie)
- KMFDM, (technically a bunch of old German who sing about anarchy)
- Apoptygma Berzerk (used to be good)
- And One
- Das Ich
- VNV Nation (essentially, brilliant)
- Dope Stars Inc.
- Icon of Coil - Combichrist's "intelligent" attempt at a side project
- Front 242
- Psyclon Nine
- Front Line Assembly
- PIGFACE
- The Mission
- The Crüxshadows (technically new wave)
- The Damned (technically just ordinary musicians in Hell)
- Project Pitchfork
- Danse Society
- The Cure (technically medicine)
- Combichrist
- The 69 Eyes
- Calabrese (technically horror punk)
- Clan of Xymox (technically a cult of people who write music based on shitty alien flicks)
- Malice Mizer (technically retarded)
- Bella Morte (technically just gothed-up Linkin Park)
- Covenant
- Assemblage 23
- Fields of the Nephilim (pretentious)
- Skinny Puppy
- <PIG>
- Rosetta Stone
- Razed In Black
- My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult
- Zeromancer
- L'ame Immortelle
- Specimen
- .45 Grave
- AFI (Technically not emo albeit probably transsexual)
- Blaqk Audio
- Switchblade Symphony
- Joy Division (technically a bunch of prostitutes kept for nazis back in the late 1970's and early 1980's.)
- The Birthday Party (technically OMGEXSPERIMENTAL!!!!!!!!!11!!)
- The Birthday Massacre (technically an Industrial Rock band)
- Cradle of Filth (A non shite goth likes to keep their fingerprints off this train wreck)
- Oingo Boingo (eventually, just "Boingo", and now just dead) (technically a growth of some kind)
- The Dave Clark 5
- ASP (monestary reject)
- Emilie Autumn (Who wouldnt bang her?!?!)
- Velvet Acid Christ (Drugs)
- Deathstars (Get laid more than you)
Goths are also universally fond of Gothic novels, VampireFreaks, DarkRaves, Jhonen Vasquez comics, Lenore and GloomCookie, Tim Burton movies, and The Matrix.
[edit] Goth Fashion
Just as black is the absence of color, Goth is the absence of fashion. Goth fashion has and will always be about black. In order to be truly "Goth," one must wear as much black as possible, regardless of season, weather, time of day, occasion or temperature. Indeed, the more black one wears the more "hardcore" goth one is perceived as being, since only posers would let a 100 degree day prevent them from wearing those baggy black pants and long-sleeve black vinyl shirt to the mall.
The one exception to this is the skin, which must be as pasty white as possible; if a goth accidentally exposes his or her skin to the light, they usually paint their faces with clown pancake makeup before applying their black lipstick and inch-wide streaks of eyeliner. This is not a trivial task, since the pastier and whiter a goth's skin gets, the higher the chances of being ostracized. In order to mitigate potential social rejection (for which most goths secretly pine), goths must be prepared to make up any excuse to explain their obvious aversion of sunlight.
Though the subculture's general style has evolved over the past two decades, it still attempts to embrace a certain attitudinal spookiness. Modern goths, however, tend to dress either like characters from The Matrix (see "Goth Canon," above), or to focus on the more traditional, pseudo-Victorian look (while paradoxically having dramatic flairs of patently punk-styled hair). Formerly, being goth required extensive searching through thrift and second-hand clothing stores. There used to be a time where Hot Topic produced a militia of brainless MallGoths. Now, with the new Emo faggotry, Hot Topic only sells Emo clothing now. It's back to searching through the thrift stores and/or those hidden stores (i.e. Borderline Plus) for all your dark woeful needs. On the other hand, buying and wearing a Batman costume is just as effective.
A steaming goth, is the name for a goth walking into the wind. They have been known to charge their lazer razor, and fire their lazer razor at all lesser beings small animals.
[edit] Recent developments
Due primarily to the German goths finally getting bored with mincing about like prats in black lipstick, the European scene has been slipping ever more drastically in the direction of candy-raving manic happy shit. Bizarrely. In some sort of attempt to combine wearing bright colors and raving on pills with the ethos and aesthetic of the gothic movies they still like to watch, the techno and trance tracks continue to be suspiciously overlayed with "sinister" sounding chanting about death, rape, murder and suchlike goth toss.
This doesn't alter the fact that these goths are not really goths anymore at all; they are CyberPunks (yet, some are still Goths, making them CyberGoths [Think Blade Runner]). Though still a pretentious minority, at least these are a step away from boring fucking black-dyed hair, corsets and ugly virginal men in baggy white vampire shirts and capes. The music also beats the crap out of Siouxsie and the Banshees. With a crowbar [all puns intended].
Another development (particularly in the UK and America) in the Goth scene is the death rock scene. The death rock scene is pretty much goth but with 'death hawks' and shredded band shirts and fishnet. They're elitist fuckers who think being an underground music whore is cool. The scene is also notable for the amount of heroes it has. If you consider yourself one of them, perhaps you should be an hero too. Seriously. Pick up that twelve gauge, there's a good soldier.
Death rockers are known to hate anything 'popular' or known, going as far as hating known goth idols such as Peter Murphy, that band 'All Gone Dead', Nik Fiend, Rozz Williams, and the Misfits. Even though every fucking death rocker looks exactly the same just like how every goth looks like one another. Fucking borg... Nevertheless, they can stomp the shit out of an emo furfag anyday
[edit] Naming conventions and syntax
Wannabe-Goths (a.k.a. "goths") typically choose nicknames for themselves because they're doing it wrong. These "goth" names are serious buisiness, and should you call a "goth" by their real name (which is usually something like Brian Warner or Jeordie) they will get OMG offended. This self chosen name is often melodramatic. Some typical "goth" names are:
- Raven
- Ravyn
- Spider
- Paris
- Spyder
- Angel
- Mary-Jane
- Angyl
- Tara
- Bob
- Raziel
- Seraph
- Scarlett
- Ronica
- Ravynwolf (combination goth and furry)
- Judas W Antichrist
- Whiplasher Bernadotte
- Bone W Machine
- Hitler
NB: Every person called Spider is a date-rapist and only has one testicle.
Wannabe-Goths also think that they have to speak a certain way in order to be fit in. Therefore, to the ignorant mainstream, Goth is possibly the only clique to be able to produce TL;DR responses to verbal speech. Basically
This cheeseburger is fucking tasty.
Translates to
O how I loath thee, fatty demon of cheese and quartered cow. And yet you fill me with such blissful, passionate glee.
[edit] Goth Diet
Goths are mustards, and subsist solely on their own feelings of social ostracism. To feed, a goth must try to solicit fear, contempt, or ridicule from mundanes. This causes an avalanche condition in fat goths. Because goths are so non-conformist, typically, back in the 90's, a male goth was skinny while a female goth was fat. This changed though as soon as Goths became CyberGoths and flooded the Rave scene and thereby lost the weight/gained the muscle to become the elitist posh bitches/bastards that they are today.
[edit] Oh, The Rage That Flows Through My Veins Is Hotter Than A Thousand Hells
- "[J]ust remember jackholes that when you take the piss out of people like this long enough, you wind up with another Columbine massacre. Just keep it coming..." - Focus, b&
One unique aspect of goths is that, unlike furries and emos, Goth kids are hilarious when trolled. While furries decide that it's time to get on their fucked-up soapbox and preach about "equality" for beastiality, and emos just cry, Goth kids make some of the longest, funny, and empty threats that you will ever hear. Why, even this page has seen its share of goth angst!
Goth kids seem to think that if you talk like Edgar Allan Poe or H.P. Lovecraft, they'll scare the mundanes into showing them respect. Sadly, IRL, this is not always the way things work out.
[edit] Silly goth
BEFORE READING THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH, NOTE: Real Goths don't act like this. What is shown is a classic example of a poseur who is too ugly to belong in the Goth scene:
| “ | I was 19 when I was in a drug rehab for a heroin addiction. We had this guy O.D. in the bathroom, and although the nurses tried to revive him, he died at the scene.
"It took the ambulance like 15 minutes to come and get him. They obviously had been made aware that they were just picking up a corpse and took their time. I was able to get a good glimpse of his body for about 4 or 5 good minutes. I marveled at it. I remember the nice, dark place that he was now in, and I looked into his dead eyes. I wanted to be there with him. They left the needle in his arm when they took him away. "For some reason, the officials forgot to remove his shoes from the bathroom. They stayed in there for about 2 days, and I could not stand it any longer. They were a little tight on me, but I got them to fit my feet without socks. I wore them around in the drug rehab for the rest of the time. People noticed, but didn't care. I was in heaven. I wore them everywhere, and walked with a new confidence that I carried part of his dead sole with me. "Those shoes were also cursed. Whilest visiting my grandmother in Maryland a few years later, I was still wearing my shoes of doom. My aunt 'Pat' (alias), got to them, and threw them in the trash compactor because after I bragged about them to my family, it creeped her out. "3 MONTHS LATER, she was herself found dead at home, lying in her bed and my mom got scared and said "You're movin' with your Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air." I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said FRESH and it had dice on the mirror. If anything, I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought "Man, forget it." - "Yo homes, to Bel Air" I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabbie "Yo homes smell ya later." I looked at my kingdom; I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air. | „ |
| — | ||
Clearly an example for us all.
Another exerpt from a gay-wannabee 14th century beethoven goth (notice the worship for satan and the wish for being sodomized by him when he was 12:
"To his chamber they sprang with excitement in there thighs to entwine in eternal miraculous play".....A My name is S****r, I’m seventeen years of age. I consider my self to be in league with the GREAT UNHOLY ONE. I am a Satanist, always was and never new it (until a year ago). With that said, I cant deny or brush off for that will be ignorant of me, the magnificent influences Religion has impacted on the past and still shapes the present. I enjoy sophisticated classical music and black metal. My instrument of choice is obviously the piano. With its versatility of mood changing climaxes and striking beauty, it warms my cold heart. My second favorite instrument of soul grasping powers and sensuous sounds to the ears would have to be, hands down the accordian."
tl;dr --->
[edit] See also
- Gothfash
- Matt Crimmins
- Nickolaus
- Ex-Raye
- LJ Lice Drama
- Succubbus
- Suicide Girls
- Synthetikmisery
- Shakakuskeeper
- Nine Inch Nails
- Columbine
- KILL_IT_WITH_FIRE
- Jack Spicer
- My Immortal
- Sacramento Goth Scene
- Gothreaper
- Bean
- vampire
- Michelle Belanger
- Don Henrie
- Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab
[edit] External links
- Goth Macros
- [1]
- [2]
- [3]
- [4]
- goth_macros
- Goth parodies Emo
- Goth tv show. They even write poems
- Goth Goose humour site
- Vampire Freaks
- Informative BBC article about the goth lifestyle
- If your child is a goth reform through the lord!
- Chick tract parodies
|
Goth is part of a series on Music. |
|
|
|
Goth is part of a series of topics related to Black People. ☻ |
|
