Halo
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Halo is an overrated, overhyped FPS game with outdated controls, terrible graphics, a convoluted storyline, and online multiplayer scientifically designed to get on your nerves. The game was credited for saving Microsoft's Xbox from going straight down the drain, because at the time it might have been the only reason anyone would want one.
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[edit] Halo
The original Halo (more like Gaylo...amirite?) was known for being the only good Xbox game that wasn't available on Playstation 2 or the GameCube.
It received extremely good reviews from every major publication thanks to its fantabulous level design that repeated the same Goddamn gray corridor every 30 feet. And as if the repetition wasn't bad enough, halfway through the game, you get to play though each level BACKWARDS! (TOO BAD THE GAME OWNS DEAL WIF IT-)
The original story involved the Mister Chief, a 26th century Spartan, killing a bunch of aliens and stopping a giant ring in outer space from fucking up everyone's shit, thus saving world/universe/day/whatever.
Unfortunately, the game sold a fuckload and singlehandedly saved the Xbox from going the way of the Dreamcast.
[edit] Halo 2
Like any somewhat decent game that makes a lot of money, the designers had to fuck it up beyond all recognition. They took every redeeming quality of the original, and raped it like Pedobear in a roomful of loli after being starved of CP for 3 weeks. The graphics were glitchy, the physics were inconsistent, the weapons were shit, well...yeah, and the levels were...well they stayed at about the same level of shittiness. Ironically, the game sold even moar than the first, and millions of fucktards blindly embraced it as a gift from God.
The story was also borderline retarded and riddled with plot holes. Like how the Covenant somehow find Earth, and (conveniently) a brand new Halo ring. Or like how they just randomly throw in the Venus Fly Trap from the Little Shop of Horrors halfway into the game.
Halo 2 also introduced a new playable character - The Arbiter, a Covenant Elite warrior shunned by his people and blah blah blah, nobody really cares.
We also get introduced to Miranda Keyes, who's the daughter of that captain dude from the first game, the High Prophets: Truth, Mercy & Regret (who look suspiciously like turkeys), the aforementioned venus fly trap Gravemind, and the Brutes, led by their Chieftain, Tartarus, who looks like is a big-ass bondage loving Furry from Hell.
Halo 2 was the first game that you could play over the internets, via Xbox Live. Of course the funny thing about having a design team of over 9000 CSIII graduates, is that not everyone knows what everyone else is doing. This leads to a lot of interesting problems that basement dwellers (or in some cases, trolls) can find and exploit, like people being able to lunge at someone with the sword from a mile away, being able to drop through the ground, being able to bounce 2,000 feet into the air, and being able to lag everyone into next week, while you go around and rape the other team. As such, at least 100 patches have been released trying to fix the broken and obviously retarded multiplayer. Though even without the glitches, any normal human can only take the unbalanced weaponry, the high-pitched screams of prepubescent boys, and sheer lack of entertainment, only for so long.
[edit] Halo PC
A shitty port of Halo to the PC. Despite the dated graphics, you needed a high-end PC to run it decently. The only reason you would want to play Halo PC is for the single-player campaign, as the multiplayer is fucking shitty. No votekick, no voice chat (well, in Halo's case that might be a good thing), laggy online play (you have to aim five feet ahead of an enemy to register a hit), and a community of fucktards (lol n00b pwned xD). Not only that, but 99% of all the fucking servers are fucking rockets on Blood Gulch or Battle Creek.
Halo PC is worshiped by the members of The Maw, a forum on Bungie.net. These people actually believe that their FPS for kids is better than the real PC FPSes like Doom or Quake. Any attempt to say otherwise will be met with witty responses such as "dumbass" or "stupid -blam!- n00b". What's funnier is that they think Bungie gives a shit about them.
[edit] Halo 2 Vista
A shitty port of Halo 2 to the PC. It was exactly the same as Halo 2 for the Xbox, except it has better graphics and a map editor. And to get the ability to play a 3 year old Xbox game, all you have to do is downgrade to Vista. Anyone who is stupid enough to buy this should become an halo.
Halo 2 Vista was also the first game in Microsoft's attempt to consolize PC gaming, "Games For Windows". Apparently MS thinks it's a great idea to charge PC gamers for online play, even though most PC games have always had free online play.
[edit] Halo 3
And just in case you managed to avoid that spoiler, Johnson dies. But black people always die in movies and videogames, amirite? And that one white commander woman dies, too, because it's a well-known fact that women suck at videogames.
Even though Halo 2 was more popular than Jesus, the designers admitted that it was a broken pile of fail and AIDS. While Halo 3 is still made of fail, it is still better than that rancid collection of squirrel dung, Halo 2 (if only slightly).
Bungie isn't exactly one for innovation, as the game still has the same boring controls as it did in 2001.
Graphics-wise, it looks a lot like Halo 2, except with higher-res textures, and big fat layer of lens flare thrown over everything.
But by the final installment of the trilogy, you would think the story couldn't possibly get any more butchered...right?...WRONG!! There are so many plot holes and random shit happening that you'll most likely be forced to throw the whole thing out the window. For example: How did Gravemind find Earth? Why did MC just randomly jump off Truth's ship entering Earth...was it just for the lulz? How did High Charity manage to find the Ark's SECRET location?
But hey, nobody cares about the story anymore, it's all about teh awesomez flawless online multiplayer, amirite?! Once again, WRONG!!
The Xbox Live multiplayer is exactly the same pile of horse manure as Halo 2's online, with the sole exception of a half-assed map editor with which you can't even edit the terrain or add all the objects. The maps and games all suck baboon balls and once you go in to a game...you cant leave. So much like a visit from Pedobear, no matter how much you kick and scream..its gonna happen, and there's no exit.
Another totally awesome addition to the third installation of the Halo series is the ability to take screenshots. This is about the only new thing Bungie has to offer. Motherfucking screenshots. You can only imagine what kind of people actually utilize this feature.
There's a bunch of new weapons, not that it matters much, because everything is nerfed in the name of "Balance", and just like the first game, the first team to get the Sniper Rifle and the Rocket Launcher wins.
Controversy sparked over an incident regarding the resolution Halo 3 outputs onto HD Televisions. Microsoft and Bungie boldly claimed "true" HD at 720p, despite many outcries to the contrary from all 4 Halo players who actually know what resolution is. After Pixel-counters displayed irrefutable evidence that Halo 3 did not run 720p, and in fact, only outputted 640p, Bungie finally responded, claiming that Halo 3 makes two HDR rendering passes and technically displays 1280p. In other words, Bungie decided that a far superior alternative to picture clarity is HOLY SHIT BLOOM.
[edit] Halo Wars
Is all about the first ALIENS that attacked
[edit] Master Chief
The Master Chief, aka Captain King, is some sort of futuristic cross between Leonidas, and Mecha-Hitler, and is a pretty cool guy because he kills aliens and doesn't afraid of anything. He's equipped with a half ton full body armor that amplifies strength, has energy shields, and a slot for an AI, but ironically offers zero protection from bullets. Indeed, a single shot to the head will penetrate the futuristicly designed helmet, and will instantly kill him, as will a light tap to his back. It is also thought that one of his weaknesses may be Head-On.
 Captain King |
 Captain Queen |
[edit] Novels
Not only did this retarded game make it on some kind of bestseller list, but a bunch of assholes thought it would be funny or something to kill some trees for this Master of teh ghey. The books include:
[edit] Halo: The Fall of Reach
A bunch of little whiny six-year olds fail at saving a planet from complete pwnage.
[edit] Halo Graphic Novel
Halo characters Bungie didn't care enough about to make stories for now have their own book. That's really it. Just a bunch of drawing. Oh, and there's porn in it. Drawn porn. Tentacle porn going into child anus with Master Queef watching over them with a huge metallic phallus. Yeah. Go buy it.
[edit] Halo: The Flood
The game put into a book. YAWN. Oh, and sometimes the faggot aliens point of views are shown but nobody cares because they die soon anyway.
[edit] Halo: First Strike
Note: This is NOT the first of the series of books, even though it is called the FIRST strike. Fagtards, you will be confused. The same six-year olds blow up a gigantic space station whose 1337 skillz are naught.
[edit] Halo: Ghosts of Onyx
Said six-year-olds grow up and try to recruit more six-year-olds. More faggot alien POVs.
[edit] Best Halo Novels
Unlike Origin Software, Bungie completely denies that they ripped off or were even inspired by Larry Niven's Known Space novel series. Bungie completely denies that the mind-controlling Flood were inspired by the mind-controlling Puppeteers, OR the religious slavers that fight humanity down to Earth, the Covenant, were inspired by the religious slavers that fight humanity down to Earth, the Kzinti, OR the ancient human ancestors that built the Halos called the Forerunners were inspired by the ancient human ancestors that built the Ringworld called the Pak, OR the ancient weapon worlds used to contain the Flood called the Halos were inspired by the ancient weapon worlds used to contain the Puppeteers called Ringworld.
However, Bungie has admitted that they were inspired by Frank Herbert's Dune, with its spice Melange to describe Master Chief's life-sustaining and mind-altering addiction to cocks.
[edit] Halo Pros
MLG or Major League Gaming is a league devised by some guy named Sundance. I'm not kidding; his fucking name is Sundance.
The League is completely devout to developing professional basement dwellers and pointedly alienating themselves from the opposite sex.
13 year old boys usually call themselves MLG pros because they spend their time playing custom games with other "MLG pros." None of them go to MLG events because their parents don't want to drive them, but the ones that do go lose in the first round and get butthurt. Then they return to their respective internets forums and bawwwwww about how unfair it was.
MLG recently had a show on the USA network which showed the Halo 2 segment of the pro circuit. It was super lame and no one really liked it. Except when Walshy started crying because his great team didn't win. This created a few lulz to many people who love seeing other peoples' retarded hopes and dreams not come true.
This is, of course, a moot point, because anyone who devotes his life to being a pro at a videogame is a fucktard.
Shows how the real pros of Halo talk to the noobs. Note how the 4 year old is actually winning the argument and completely owning the 13 year-old kid.
.Real pros scream.
Best Halo 3 suicide ever by a Pro.
Typical...
The basic Halo player
A lot of time on his hands...
[edit] Kenny McKee
During the final testing stage of Halo 3 called Epsilon, a kid by the name of Kenny McKee (SnprSlick/Snpr167 on Xbox Live) set up a Live Stream on the internet showcasing it, ignoring the tight NDA his parents signed. Much to the hilarity of everybody, Microsoft found out about it and banned all of his accounts from Xbox Live for the next 9,001 years. Also, his parents probably got fired. Hope you enjoyed your 15 minutes of lame, fucker.
The typical and always is Halo player :URL link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NfG-wfGfjU "PS HE wants to be GREEN THE GREENEST COLOR THERE POSSIBLY CAN BE!"
[edit] Halo: Repercussions of Evil
John-117 waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were aleins in the base. He didn't see them, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Sergent Johnson were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.
John was a Spartan for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the spaceships and he said to dad "I want to be on the ships daddy."
Dad said "No! You will BE KILL BY ALEINS"
There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the space station base of the Halo ring he knew there were aleins.
"This is Cortana" the radio crackered. "You must fight the aleins!"
So John gotted his palsma rifle and blew up the wall.
"HE GOING TO KILL US" said the aleins
"I will shoot at him" said the Hunter and he fired the rocket missiles. John plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.
"No! I must kill the aleins" he shouted
The radio said "No, John. You are the aleins"
And then John was a flood.
[edit] Flood detected
Another vile spawn of the Halo series is The Flood. they are NOT ZOMBIES AT ALL, but are little spider things that |burrow through your skin and take you over turning you into a hideous monster. After PWNING the ancient faggots who lived over 9000 years ago, the faggots fired weapons of mass destruction, pwning all life in the galaxy. Yet somehow they came back and proceeded to pwn humans and teh covernant once again.
[edit] Lulz at Bungie?
Over the past few weeks it is becoming increasingly likely that a member of the team that created Halo (Bungie) may be a fan of the lulz or even possibly a member of anonymous. The only reason this is suspected is because two of "lukems'" updates on Bungie.net last Thursday contained nods in the direction of the chans and ED. These updates can be found here (scroll down to find a variation of the Card crusher comic. Also uses the phrase "Ides of March" but that could mean nothing) and here (scroll down to the pictures of Master Chief using the strange catapult contraption and read the captions, he used the ???? and PROFIT memes) Also, during the credits of Halo 3, the quote of "Frankie" is "hayguyswhatsgoinoninthisthread?"
However, just because he uses these memes does not necessarily mean he's part of the community, but then again, no-one outside Anonymous finds card crusher funny.
[edit] See Also
- An Halo
- Flood detected
- Pretty cool guy
- Machinima
- Supreme commander Rooster Teeth, the makers of Red vs. Blue, are making movies based on SC.
- Daniel Petric A kid who pwned his parents in the head for taking away his copy of Halo 3.
[edit] External Links
- Zero Punctuation review of Halo 3.
- Basement dweller pwned parents because they took away his Gaylo 3. It is not known whether he teabagged them after the deed or not.
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