Metroid
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Metroid is a series of video games developed by Nintendo. In this game series, you get to be totally fucking lost in a really creepy dungeon in outer space. Gameplay involves backtracking through surreal levels, followed by more backtracking, and even more, all the while fighting off bizarre monsters that apparently have nothing better to do than crawl/fly around in the same preordained pattern for eternity. You also start to see a very annoying pattern in which you start the game off in what seems like it could be a suit of total win, but one slight bump on the head causes you to lose every--fucking--ability. Thankfully, this is mostly present in the Prime series, which even fewer people play than the other ones. You must then spend 50 painful hours recovering said abilities, so that you can use 3 of them on the final boss. Interestingly, the first game in the series, Metroid, single-handedly emasculated an entire generation of gamers by showing them at the end of the game that the cool space bounty hunter guy they were playing as was actually a fucking sexy woman.
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[edit] The Games
[edit] Metroid
Metroid was the first game in the series. It was released in the 1980s, which meant it didn't have a battery save function, so you had to write down a password consisting of at least a hundred characters. Because the game didn't include a map and was altogether relatively non-linear, basement-dwellers across the world thought the game was OMG LIEK SO INNOVATIVE!!!111oneoneone and everybody loved it. Basically in this game, you play as Samus Aran and you start out with the power beam that has a range of about negative six feet or something. You must then transverse the oh-so-creepy landscape in search of watered-down upgrades, so you can kill some midget dragon , a fat-ass lard-lizard, and a big brain floating in a tank that has a hard-on for anything (and I mean anything). That’s it. That’s the whole game. You risk your life while simultaneously disrupting the ecosystem on Zebes to kill some brain that nobody else in the galaxy gives a shit about. It also has the shittiest ending ever by revealing you're a female, even though in the manual, it said you were a man. Apparently Samus was a shemale at the time, and had a sex change shortly after the game ended. (Fun fact: Japanese pronouns are gender-neutral, meaning the guys who wrote the manual actually didn't fuck up the translation.)
That, and the graphics capabilities of the 8-bit Nintendo could make any chick look like Janet Reno.
[edit] Metroid 2: Return of Samus
Nobody played this game because it was exclusively for the Game Boy, which meant it sucked. Therefore, it is unknown what happens in this game, even to the developers.
The game is, however, good for a few things. If you ever want to lose your interest in the Metroid series, just play this game, and you’ll vow to yourself never to play another Metroid game ever again. The game cartridge itself is good for anal/vaginal insertion, too. That’s about it; otherwise, this game fails.
Nintendorks were later able to put together a story through various forms of fan-fiction. It's about killing off all the Metroids according to the N-dorkoffs. But during the trip Samus gets very lonely on the planet, and decides to leave one Metroid alive as her sex-slave.
[edit] Super Metroid
Supposedly the third in the franchise, Super Metroid scared the shit out of people who played it. Some argue that this is the best game in the series. Samus's Metroid sex-slave bitch apparently escaped thanks to Ridley (who somehow got cloned and made HUEG) and after that nothing is known because it scared people so badly. Strange, because the pinnacle of "freaky" in that game is going through the wrecked ship area with the spooky ghosts and shit. I suppose when all there was to compare it to back then was Kirby and Sonic, Super Metroid would in fact make people shit their pants.
[edit] Metroid 64
People were so horrified of Super Metroid, mothers tried to sue Nintendo. Nintendo only had one choice but to stop Metroid until their kids' graduated highschool and moved in with their auntie and uncle in Bel-Air. Besides even Nintendo knew that the console sucked monkey balls.
[edit] Metroid Fusion
Metroid Fusion was the only Metroid game released for the Game Boy Advance, thank God. (This is not including Metroid: Zero Mission, which was little more than a remake of the original Metroid. Wait, Nintendo repackaged old material with slightly updated graphics for the sole sake of capitalizing financially on a relatively popular franchise? Who could have seen that coming?) You essentially didn’t have to think in Fusion, because there was this gay robot that told you exactly where to go and shit. Mix that with the fact that you had near-constant access to a very detailed map, and you have one easy, easy game (not to mention shitty) right up until you are hit with the classic time bomb escape sequence with one major difference, YOU GET TO FIGHT A DANGEROUS ENEMY AND WATCH THE TIMER RUN OUT RIGHT AS YOU KILL IT!!!
[edit] Metroid Prime
The rebirth of Metroid. The Nintendorks say in this one you explore a lot, do a lot of back tracking, and do the same shit you did in Super Metroid. This time though, instead of destroying four things, you have to destroy a race, the Space Pirates. So imagine a 3D Super Metroid in which you are constantly killing 3D space pirates. According to the N-dorks it's the greatest thing since Ocarina of Time because it's Super Metroid 3D! Also, it's for the GameCube, so nobody in the world gives a shit because nobody bought a fucking GameCube. Since this game, Samus has been compared countless times to Master Chief.
[edit] Metroid Prime 2: Echoes
Basically, they made a 3D Link To the Past; then, combined it with Super Metroid 3D. Ergo . . . nobody gives a shit. They made this one totally awesome by adding a fucking AMMO SYSTEM for all Samus' beam weapons except the weakest, shittiest one, so you never end up using the badass dark/light beams or the fabled annihilator beam, simply because you run out of ammo way too fucking fast. They also added a shitty multiplayer mode that is completely fucking ridiculous and has nothing to do with the rest of the game.
[edit] Metroid Prime: Hunters
Metroid Prime: Hunters is only fun when playing people online, but even then it sucks because at least 100% of the players cheat so in the end nobody can kill anybody. Not only this but the controls are terrible; Nintendo lost a lot of money since the Cube sucked ass, so they hired monkeys to program the controls. Thus, they sucked. Trying set up a match takes a few years as well, which is why the game is still at the top charts of Nintendo WiFi activity.
[edit] Metroid Prime 3: Corruption
Samus once again wanders around stupid rooms doing nothing but shooting crap. But this time you can actually shoot where you want, which is a feature no game has ever done before. She can also use radioactive blue crap to increase her power level, but using it for too long makes her die of both cancer and AIDS. The game was developed by combining Super Metroid with Halo, thus creating a massive pile of shit.
Called "ZOMG UNIQUE!11!" by fantards because it's the only game in the Prime series to feature other hunters (nobody counts Hunters because it fails). Includes a shapeshifting alien chick, some freaky alien who has the power to freeze anything with ice, and a creepy android thing whose crotch you have to shoot to kill it.
Also introduces Metroid's answer to Admiral James T. Kirk, who in every message to Samus sounds less like he's on serious galaxy-saving business and more like he wants to get inside her pantsuit at the first opportunity.
[edit] Metroid Dread
The long rumored Metroid title that was supposed to be canned. Everyone thinks it's a 2D DS game, but it's really a game for the Virtual Boy where you help Samus shop for groceries.
[edit] The Characters
- Samus - The main character of every Metroid game, and fapping material for
gamers and other basement dwellerseveryone everywhere, due to her large tits. But to their chagrin, she spends most of the time inside a metal spacesuit, which she uses to engage in systematic desecration of religious sites, widespread genocide, destruction of indigenous species and other loathsome crimes, and apparently getting paid to do so. Why she was let out of the kitchen, no one knows.She may or may not be emo, considering that Space Pirates killed her parents.She got bored of the kitchen and decided to go and do it for the lulz-- the only reason any woman should leave the kitchen.
- Ridley - A HUEG dragon that Samus fights her at least once in almost every game, since he apparently keeps getting cloned. Despite the obvious hatred between him and Samus, sick fucks like to draw porn of the two.
- The Metroids - These large, disgusting parasites also appear in every game, squeeing like anime fangirls before attempting to eat Samus' soul.
The rest of the characters can be found here.
[edit] Trolling Metroid Fans
While little is known about the fandom, you CAN troll fanboys in the following ways:
*Ask them if Metroid is just a guy in a suit or is he a robot.
- Ask them if Metroid's gun is attached to him or is it just part of his suit. This shit doesn't work, it's just cancer.
- Tell them Samus is ugly and/or a reverse trap.
- Tell them that you'd rather do something horrid to yourself than play either Super Metroid or Metroid Prime.
- Write non-canon fanfic. Unlike most fandoms, who tend to mangle and distort whatever they're into, Metroid fantards are so obsessed with the canon that they will probably shit bricks whenever they see a Metroid fan fiction that isn't a novelization of an existing game or an attempt to describe Samus' childhood. This is ironically one of the bright sides of Metroid fandom: it is hard to make shitty fanfic and still get your ass kissed for it.
[edit] Space Pirates
"A race that is completely subordinate to a powerful master. Just like worker bees that obey and follow their queen because of a hierarchy. They're a smart species." - Mother Brain
[edit] TUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBES
Space Pirates, seem to always build things with tubes big enough for Samus Aran to get through, since she has the ability to curl up tight into a ball and roll around. What's more, the tubes don't even have any practical use, even the Space pirates can't use them!
[edit] Other Silly things Space Pirates have done
- Create doors that open after being hit with certain beams, which is odd as only the elite pirates can use beam technology, and they can't freely switch between them. Samus on the other hand, can have all these beams at once.
- INJECT IT INTO OURSELVES!
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[edit] Gallery
 Samus seen here before the sex change operation. |
 Soak it in, because this is about as pornographic as a Nintendo game gets. |
 Samus frustrated that she can no longer masturbate in that goddamn suit. |
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 Samus Aran without her suit in the dreams of every fatass fanboy fucktard. |
 Dark Samus being badass. Little does she know she’s about to get thoroughly pwned. |
 Haha you know you want some. |
 Ridley's reaction to Metroid fans. |
[edit] See Also
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Metroid is part of a series on Gaming. |
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