Starcraft
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Starcraft is some shitty RTS computer game that was invented over 9000 years ago, when monitors were 640x480 and only had 256 colors. Only azns are good at it, but many Fanboys still dream of becoming an uber_gosu so they can whoop some Kors programmer ass, hoping for some Serious_business. Starcraft is responsible for the old meme named Zerg Rush.
A fanboy's critical view on Starcraft:
StarCraft and Pro-Gaming
Starcraft is also the national sport of South Korea, where big multinational corporations pay little sadistic greedy managers and coaches money to create branded company teams. They then lock kids in tiny rooms equipped with Starcraft installed Computers to play 23 hours a day vs other professional teams! This is then broadcast live on TV via three 24h run eSports channels.
eSports is also considered to be serious business for the rest of the world, although they are unsure how to sell and market Televised kid-slavery.
These so called pro-gamers are ruled by the Good Korean whip! In richer teams, 4 pro-gamers share 1 bed in shifts. Poorer teams have to do with a rope tied from 1 end of the room to the other that is then cut to wake the next training team up! Pro-gamer TV Stars and champs get their own 4x4 room that they lose the same day they lose on TV Tournaments!
Starcraft Pro-gamers lose all privileges the moment they think other of a Terran medic or Kerrigan the Queen of Blades being a higher valued GF, then anyone of those 100,000 camwhores throwing their furry pics and other toys at them every night live on TV.
This explains where Korean Starcraft Pro-gamers get their high APM ( action per minute) Keyboard skills from having to yank around on their small forbidden stub seems to have an effect on Korean SC world wide pwnage! On the other hand some say it's down to the Rice, (not to be mistaken with our instant Rice), that also explains why the Chinks are catching up with the Kors in SC just lately!
Gro-Paining is not a Joke:
The typical korean-televised Starcraft match:
If considering joining a Korean Pro-gamer team, you have to have win every international Tournament and prove that you can spank that monkey in under 6 seconds flat, at 450 APM(actions per minute) plus, without making a mess of the Monitor, Mouse or Keyboard.
StarCraft I & II non Korean Communities
All of these Fanboy communities believe of themselves to be the equivalent of /b/ in Starcraft terms that is. The truth however is, that they are all basic right up to beyond advanced GOATSEs visually speaking within StarCraft terms! Just picture them all with their asses wide open!
It is easily explained.
- The site holders had to watch serious business run right past them for over 10 years! They only started realizing this at around 2004, it took them until the mid of 2007, to wake up!
- The community fanboys did everything to keep the serious business away from day 1, but dream about having SC on local TV!
- both fractions are now sucking the dick of a Good_Korean JewTuber, that is providing up to date content since mid 2007
Now all are hoping for a 2nd chance with SC2!
- If you are one of these fanboys, you should read about yourself here
- If you run one of these Starcraft fanboys web sites, you should read about yourself and your 10 year odyssey here
Italians love pron!:
How to Play Melee On Starcraft
- Be Korean. If you aren't already Korean, you can convert by paying the 50 rupee fee.
- Look through the bargain bins at Walmart or download it illegally from your favorite warez site.
- Resurrect Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold and tell them that you will make fun of the way the dress if they don't win the match for you and if they don't they FAIL!!!
- Connect to the internets.
- Start a game.
- Pick Zerg
- Spam Hotkeys like shit to get all warmed up for a wank during, before or after a match
- Spawn moar Overlords.
- Harvest moar vespene gas.
- Infinitely spawn Zerglings and Hydralisks.
- Or, pick Terran.
- Spam Hotkeys like shit to get all warmed up for a wank during, before or after a match but moar than usual
- Watch SlayerS_boxer videos and suck his Korean dick with one hand stuffed down your pants playing with your stub.
- Micro your SCVs then send them out into the field to sing and pick cotton.
- Become an Gosu.
- Avoid playing the Protoss unless you are a homosexual or wish to become one.
- If you play Protoss you must construct additional pylons!
- Sit in Public Chat 1 or sex chat and emote with the rest of the fucktards.
- Play for 50 straight hours
- Construct additional pylons.
- ????
- PROFIT!
KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE
Starcraft, like any other game, has its share of underhanded tactics to make sure that a winner is you. Much like your Doom clones have camping, it has a Zerg Rush, which involves making OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAND!!! zerglings and killing your opponent two minutes after the game starts. Another tactic is cannon-rushing. People get very angry when you attack their workers with a group of "defensive" buildings, and will likelydefinitely always call you a fag.
There is also turtling, where one fag thinks he can win by staying in his base and building moar Mudkipz because he heard that Koreans liek them and pylons until his units can't move. This always fails because the other players will take all the other bases and gang-fuck the turtler, who will run around the map building pylons, making you search for his dumb ass for over 9000 hours.
The dramatic possibilities outside of the game are few. However, Starcraft has become a standard in Something Awful discussions and has achieved gayness because of its popularity.
Starcraft IRL
Use Map Settings
Use Map Settings, UMS, games are for overweight, acne-ridden American teens who fail when playing normal melee games against Koreans and cannot afford games that do not run on their outdated Windows 98 which are barely held together by duct tape.
Typical examples include fastest possible map in which 8 clinically overweight fucktards are given infinite minerals to build as much shit as possible and max out the pop limit with protoss fag carriers. The first one to make their nigger rig crash under the load wins. The reward for winning is a free trip to Korea to be gang raped and dry humped before being enslaved and forced to build them some additional Pylons for their upcoming world domination.
How to play UMS on Starcraft
- Nigger-rig your CPU to turn on using an old, rusty Phillips screwdriver.
- Wait 3 hours for your computer to load.
- Open Starcraft.
- Go to USEast and spam, "sum1 mak3 a diplo!1!"
- Wait 3 moar hours for your gamelist to populate.
- Fail to join games because of high latency.
- Repeatedly spam LAT on the chatroom
- Get kicked
- Repeat Above 3 Steps over 9000 times.
- Finally, you enter the game lobby.
- Wait 2 moar hours for people to d/l the map.
- Spam "gogogoggogogo" for 20 minutes until host is back.
- Continuing spamming even after game is about to start.
- Ask for mid.
- Wait 3 hours for the map to max.
- Mass.
- Repeat steps 12 & 13 several moar times.
- Screen turns colors, hit alt+tab
- Wait for drop-screen to close.
- Say "gg faggot" when you lose.
- Save replay to impress people IRL. (not rly, lol)
- ??????
- PROFIT!!!1!11!
Fastest Maps
Fastest maps were created by azn fags so they can cannon rush noobs without mercy. They consist of one stack of over 9000 minerals placed directly next to your starting base, along with 10 geysers so you can mass units immediately. The only people who play these maps are Koreans and noobs.
Trolling Fastest Maps
The greatest part about fastest maps is their wonderful trolling potential. If you don't suck too much, you can usually cannon rush everyone and laugh at the /whispers they send later calling you a fag. If you suck, don't worry, there is one sure-fire method that even a complete dumbass can perform
- Find a fastest map game to join (Not hard as this is pretty much all anyone plays any more)
- You can do this in a 3v3 (with some guessing luck) though it is best to join a full 4v4 game because all the starting points will be full.
- Move your mouse over on the right to where it says "Preview Map". Ensure that there is only one mineral patch per base. Some fastest map versions have two, but most of them only have one.
- Pick Terran
- When the game starts, select all your workers and send them towards the nearest enemy base. (PROTIP: Hotkey them by pressing ctrl+1, now you can just press '1' to select them)
- Lift your Command Center and send it towards the same base as your workers. It also helps to hotkey your command center
- Laugh at your team-mates who say "Omg wtf are you doing"
- When your workers arrive in the enemy base have them attack enemy workers.
- Press your hotkey for your command center. Right click your enemy's mineral patch. Hotkey back to your workers
- If they don't react, keep killing their workers.
- If they do react, have your workers run around in circles trying not get hit. Any time your enemy sends their workers back to the mineral patch, attack them.
- Whatever you do, keep their workers off the mineral patch, or kill them.
- Soon your command center will float over their mineral patch, they can no longer get minerals.
- Now disconnect and find another game. Even with you gone, your command center is still floating there.(For added bonus, pull the plug on your modem, this stops their game for nearly an entire minute with them being unable to exit)
- ??????
- PROFIT
The wonderful thing about this method is that even if you fail, you have at least been a useless teammate and thus fucked up the game for your team-mates. If you succeed, either your teammates will be useful and kill the guy who's game you have ruined, allowing you to land your command center and start building, or their teammates will eventually help them out, and blow up your command center and win. But the person will be so far behind they never get to do anything useful. Win and win. For added win, use the same method on those stupid 7v1 comp stomp games on your teammates.
Unholy Reality of Starcraft
Starcraft was created as a tool by the nation of Good Korea in order to take over America's culture. They send students over to American boarding schools and try to get Americans addicted to Starcraft. In order to be any good at it, though, you have to be from Good Korea in the first place, so most Americans stick to simpler Taiwanese games such as Counterstrike and World of Warcraft.
Starcraft 2
The short simple truth of Starcraft 2, from none other than TOW. For the tl;dr version of this article's section, read below.
After ten years, Blizzard finally decided to make Starcraft 2, the trailer for which gave orgasms to over 9000 azns. In reality, the game is just Warcraft IV beta with aliens in space, which means any skill required in the original has been replaced by grinding, spam, and hax. The revised strategy is as follows:
- Pick Terran
- Acquire moar vespene gas
- Distract Protoss opponent by spamming kekekeke, This is Sparta, gib hax, and building a refinery on his gas at the start so he will cry because he gets late gas.
- Build over 9000 factories
- Mass Goliaths
- Use Nuclear missile technology to increase Goliath range
- Fuck up mothership
- Watch Protoss kid cry
- ???
- PROFIT!
- Or pick Protoss
- Build Arbiters. Do not accidentally build an Avatar; its faggotry will not help you.
- Freeze Mothership
- Blow up base
- Watch Terran kid cry
- ???
- PROFIT!!!11
Starcraft 2 Tourneyfags
As with Super Smash Brothers Brawl, there is a faction of SC2 fans that believes competitive gaming is more important than game quality. These people are mostly wapanese who masturbate to vods of boxer_slayer. To them, the privilege of having to click every production building to create a single unit is as imperative to Starcraft 2's success as wave-dashing is to brawl's. Basically, being able to select multiple buildings (MBS) to create multiple units at the same time will ruin Starcraft 2.
Two great sites for trolling sc2 tourneyfags are the official battle.net forums and the ultimate source for circle-jerking to professional Korean Starcraft gamers: The one-stop source for all things E-SPORTS
Trolling is simple. Simply make a thread saying that MBS and auto mining will make Starcraft 2 more competitive. Then watch as how dozens of raging nerdgins (the formal term for a nerd who is also a virgin) tear the post apart, discussing the mechanics of human-eye coordination and bringing up quotes of professional gamers playing a pre-alpha build of Starcraft 2. This can only be done on the battle.net site as you will be immediately banned from the latter site for writing such uncultured drivel.
Races
- Protoss:
- Chosen by noobs because they are the most powerful and coolest race evar!1!111
- Every combat costs 400 minerals, 125 gas, and 32 Psi(Totally not Food), and therefore kick everyone's ass. Except for the workers, which cost only 2 minerals, and 1/4th of one Psi.
- Proclaimed to be the most micro-oriented race because you DON'T HAVE TO MOVE AROUND AS MANY UNITS, DEDURR DA DURR DE DEEDILY DURR
- Mass Expansion = Instant Win
- PYLONS, BITCH
- Terran:
- Chosen by noobs because they are the humans, and LOLTANKS SHOOT SO FAR ITS HAX!!1!!! BADDLEKROOZER OPERAYSHNOALL!!!
- You must do at least 600 actions per minute to be even somewhat average at this race, as you must build over 9,000 SCVs, manage your supply depot timing so that your food doesn't cap, and manage your 50 factories in the perfect ratio of factory shopped-to-not factory shopped factories depending on matchup, map position, skill level, time of day, what you had for breakfast, and how bad your carpal tunnel syndrome is.
- For those who manage to break the 600 APM gap and breach on into 1,200 APM, you become famous in Good Corea.
- Zerg:
- Chosen by noobs because OMG ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE ^______^
- Mutalisks are the only air unit worth using. Ever.
- Zerglings are the only ground unit worth using. Ever.
- If you haven't won by 10 minutes, panic and build defilers and ultralisks.
Units
- Corsair: Today is a good day TO SUCK BALLZ
- Nuke: YOU'RE FUCKED
- Zergling: Good for noob rushing.
- Overlords: You must spawn MOAR
- Hydralisk: Retarded fish/monkey/bear/pig/man
- Mutalisk: A giant retarded bat.
- Repeated Insults: Good for faggotry
- HaxZ0RS: Makes you more fucked than Nuke.
Starcraft 2 Is Serious Business
| —This is how damaging being able to select multiple buildings at once is. |
| —Prometheus4096 when asked which sports he has played and why he's so fat. |
| —Prometheus4096. |
| —Prometheus4096's reaction to someone saying it is ok that you only need 1.8 scvs to mine optimally instead of 2.5 |
| — Starcraft is only for the cultured elite. |
| — Jesus Fucking Christ. |
| — Prometheus on why he likes Starcraft but not WoW. |
| — If worker units split automatically when going to a mineral patch, there will be nothing left in the game to control. |
| — A casual player who wants to play a fucking noob game for fun and not "ultimate competitive gaming experience". |
You must construct additional pylons!
Razor TSL
The fact that only azns can play starcraft was once again exemplified in the recent Razor TSL, a starcraft fanboy tournament sponsored by razor, where over 9000 adult males were entirely raped by a 16 year old azn boy on a live stream.
Vespene gas
YOU REQUIRE MOAR VESPENE GAS.
UPDATE:
- 12-05-08, 15:06- MOAR VESPENE GAS ADDED
- 12-05-08, 15:07- STILL REQUIRE MOAR
UPDATE:
- 16-09-08, 09:43- VESPENE GEYSER DEPLETED
- 13-12-08, 09:42- STILL REQUIRES MOAR VESPENE GAS. ALSO, SPAWN MOAR OVERLORDS. AND GIVE ME A FUCKING DOLLAR.
Fans Of Starcraft
- South Korean Lee
- FanBoy on JewTube
- The Good Korean JewTuber
- The same Good Korean JewTuber
- Fucktards
- Cho Seung-Hui
- Fags
- Jews
- All South Koreans
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Starcraft is part of a series on Gaming. |
