I suppose this is where my story begins...
For as long as I can remember, I guess you could say I knew there was something different about me. I have had many relationships with men, but I have never actually felt as if those relationships were right. At first I just thought it was the guy I was seeing at the time. Excuse after
excuse. "He's just not sensitive enough." "He's just not the one for me." "I broke up with him, because he was an asshole." "This guy is just a bad lover." (Yes I've even considered that) But, I thought this
must be deeper then those frivolous excuses. I finally found a man who was amazing. He was sensitive, caring, good looking, considerate, thoughtful, supportive,
sweet... everything you could ever want in a relationship. He was, and still is, an amazing person. Both inside and out. So why did I feel so at odds with him? I
knew then that I had to seriously consider some other alternatives.
Spring of 1990 I believe it was. This girl moved in across the street. My
father had befriended her mother, and he couldn't wait for me to meet her daughter since we were only 9 days apart in age. I met her on odd terms. She was in her
pyjamas and getting ready for bed. She didn't like me much at first because I was forced upon her so to speak. Yet, time passed, and we became best friends.
I had this strange connection with her. I couldn't quite figure out what it was, but I knew I felt something with her that I have never felt with any other friends. It was
so odd. I didn't feel as if I was attracted to her, but I was strangely connected to her. In my eyes at least. Then thoughts arose, and I was beginning to think that maybe I
was attracted to her. I didn't tell her of course. "would she think I was a
freak?" "If I say anything I just know our friendship would be in jeopardy." I valued our friendship to much to say anything that may cause tension. I knew that in fact she was straight so I guessed that she could never understand. I did tell her one thing though. "When we turn 16,
I'm going to tell you something that I don't think we can handle at this age okay?"
She agreed, and so the years passed.
Of course I struggled with myself. Writing poems, having thoughts and dreams etc. When my best friend and I turned 16, I didn't tell her. I wasn't ready. I knew this was something that couldn't be taken lightly. I had to be sure of myself, and be open and out with
me first.
I read a lot of literature about bisexuality and lesbianism. That was my refuge. Reading stories from others helped me
realise that I wasn't alone in my struggle. I also got on the Web, and into various chat rooms like
#LesbianLounge. What a huge help! I befriended people there who helped me clear my head. They were not out to convert me. What a crock of
sh*t! I've heard others accuse these channels as being 'conversion' grounds. That's not true at all! Linda and Heather turned out to be my cyber refuge, and I thank them graciously for their help.
So then, I found this amazing guy. This caring sweet and considerate guy, who is probably the best guy I have ever met. I dated him for almost a year before I was ready to finally come out. It didn't come as to much of a shock to him. He knew that I had
'played' around with a woman before, and that I was 'thinking' about things in my life. This was probably the best part about him. He was easy to open up to, and didn't hesitate to help me even if the outcome would hurt himself. He just wanted me to be happy. I was
twenty years
old when I came out to him and my best friend.
Oh! It was such an empowering experience. They accepted me! It was
great!
I'm not a freak! Finally I was true to me!
Then everything exploded. I told some of my closest friends. The ones I still talk to regularly, and all of the new good friends I make,
I'm open with them also. If they don't like it, that's their problem. I just don't want to hide anymore.
My parents... that's a different story. My father and mother are hugely
homophobic. I have tested the waters in the past, and I unfortunately found that my ass would be on the street hailing down cute chicks from my little cardboard box on the corner if I told them I was
gay. So I have to hide at home. I need to finish school, and be out and independent before I
jeopardise my life, and risk not having a family. This is the smart thing for me to do right now. I
mean... I know that my home life isn't all that bad, as far as having a home. There are worse, there are better, but I need to be here. That's my decision right now.
So I've had a couple girlfriends who were always my <ahem>
'friends' to my father. The girlfriend I have now is great! I'm in Sydney, Nova Scotia living with her right now. Her name is Roxanne. (I
don't have any scanned pictures of her yet!! Sorry) We are both getting along great and were doing our Computer Information Systems degree at University. All is well and all is
happy :-)
If I knew from the start how awesome it would be to finally feel at ease with who you love, my gosh!! Life would have been
so much easier. But then again...if life were that easy, would we actually have use for a word such as struggle?
<smile>
Some important points to consider:
Be proud: Honour yourselves and your lives. How can we expect respect from others if we don't respect ourselves.
Get angry: It's our sorrow our struggles, our joys, our pain and our irony that brings us all together, and
it's these things that sew the seeds for social change.
Have faith: If you feel that everyone around you will desert you. Remember: they
love you, not the fact that you were heterosexual in their eyes. You haven't changed at all, you're just being true to yourself.
|
GayCruz
- Coming Out
