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What this means
In simple terms, being gay means that you are attracted to members of your own sex.
Sexuality is a term used to describe a whole range of feelings, desires and actions relating to sex. But sex is only a part of the factor. Some people have strong emotional bonds to members of their own sex even before they have their first sexual experience.
Some people genuinely have sexual feeling toward members of their own sex in addition to members of the opposite sex. These people are known as
'bisexuals'. There are organisations to assist bisexuals to deal with their unique needs.
As lesbians and gays, we are not alone. One out of every ten teenagers is lesbian or gay. Many
famous women
and men in history were lesbian or gay. Nowadays lesbians and gays
can be teachers, doctors, lawyers, factory workers, police officers, politicians, ministers, movie stars, artists, mothers, nuns, truck drivers, models, novelists. You name it, we do
it!
You don't have to label yourself anything. The important thing is to understand that being sexually attracted to
a member of your same sex is perfectly alright.
By and large, society tends to assume that everyone is, or wants to be, heterosexual. This is known as heterosexism. Some people continue to believe that it is a choice and that we can be persuaded into heterosexuality. By assuming heterosexuality, society gives rise to the dilemma, for those of us who know we are gay, of whether to hide our sexuality or to come out - with all that this entails.
There have been small but perceptible changes in the way society views homosexuality, but there is a long way to go before it will accept
us totally. This has more to do with society's hang-ups around sex and sexuality than individual gay people. Often, once people know someone
is gay, their prejudices and fears about homosexuality disappear all together.
The way that others find out that someone is gay is when they 'come
out' as lesbian or gay.
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| 'Prayers for Bobby' by Leroy
Aarons: The highly-acclaimed true story of Bobby Griffith, a young gay teen who took his own life when he was unable to reconcile the teachings of his family church with his own sexual orientation. Through Bobby's poignant journal entries and his mother's reminiscences, journalist Leroy Aarons presents the emotional torment of Bobby's life and death. Paperback |
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'Coming out' is a description given to the act of publicly stating
your true sexual feelings and identity. However, before that stage
is reached, you have to come out to yourself and feel confident in
yourself and your feelings. Accepting yourself as who you are and feeling good about your sexuality is what is most important. If the circumstances are right, you come out to others.
We know that making the decision to come out can be scary and stressful. Coming out can even have a severe impact on a person's family and career.
Coming out as a gay parent has particular challenges. Breaking out of a clearly defined role, or even attempting to shift the definition of it, involves tremendous courage and strength. The conflict between their relationship with their spouse and family and their need to be themselves can be enormous.
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Coming out is different for every person. Some come out when they very young, others when they are older. Some may come out after they are married and have children. For some it is easy, for others it is quite difficult.
Some people are lucky and live in areas that have gay communities that can help with your questions and concerns about being gay or coming out. Others live in areas where being gay is still a crime.
There are several stages in the process of coming out. It's your life so take your time - do things for you and only when you are ready.
EVERYTHING POSSIBLE
by Fred Small
We have cleared off the table, the leftovers saved
Washed the dishes and put them away
I have told you a story and tucked you in tight
At the end of your knockabout day
As the moon sets its sails to carry you to sleep
over the midnight sea
I will sing you a song no one sang to me
May it keep you good company
You can be anybody you want to be
You can love whomever you will
You can travel any country where your heart leads
And know I will love you still
You can live by yourself, you can gather friends around
You can choose one special one
And the only measure of your words and your deeds
Will be the love you leave behind when you're done
There are girls who grow up strong and bold
There are boys quiet and kind
Some race on ahead, some follow behind
Some go in their own way and time
Some women love women, some men love men
Some raise children, some never do
You can dream all the day never reaching the end
Of everything possible for you
Don't be rattled by names, by taunts, by games
But seek out spirits true
If you give your friends the best part of yourself
They will give the same back to you
You can be anybody you want to be
You can love whomever you will
You can travel any country where your heart leads
And know I will love you still
You can live by yourself, you can gather friends around
You can choose one special one
And the only measure of your words and your deeds
Will be the love you leave behind when you're done
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Coming out to yourself
Acknowledging that you are gay can take many years. Some of us probably hoped these feelings were "just a phase." In time, we
realise that these feelings are not just a phase and we have to find a way of accepting them and dealing with the fact that we are sexually attracted to members of our own sex. This
realisation is the first stage of coming out. There is no hard and fast rule when this point is reached. For some it happens in their teens, for others it may happen much later in life. Some people describe this time of accepting their sexuality as though they were riding an emotional
roller coaster. One day they felt happy and confident and ready to tell everyone; the next they felt confused, scared and relieved that they hadn't. You may want to talk to someone who understands what this is like. Look
in the GayCruz Directory for
groups and organisations that can help you with this.
This is a nerve racking time - the fear of rejection is likely to be immense. Bear in mind that there are many ways to tell someone that you are gay.
The next stage involves going public in some way, of 'coming out of the
closet'. Who you tell next is really up to you. You may decide to tell your best friend or a member of your family. Remember, once you have told someone about your sexuality it can become known to others within a short period. This is human nature and there is very little you can do to prevent this. If you are resolved to deal with any negativity that this disclosure may bring, you will be sufficiently prepared for it.
Why would I want to come out?
This is the most important question to ask yourself. Your answer may be something like: "Because I'm proud of who I am" or "It is impossible to become a fully happy human being if my sexuality remains suppressed" or "I want to meet other gay
people".
"there is a good
feeling that is hard to describe that comes from being part
of a community of gay men and lesbians. It is the feeling
one has when he places a glove on his hand and it fits; the
feeling other groups of people who have known discrimination
must feel when they are secure and together with their
own" - 'Gay & Grey but
standing proud'
Who should I tell?
Many gay people describe how important it is to first tell someone outside the family. Make sure it's someone you trust and who you believe to be open-minded and supportive.
Be careful if you decide to confide in a teacher at school - they may be obliged to tell someone else what you have told them. Find out the school policy on confidentiality before you go ahead.
If you have decided to tell your family it may be easier to talk to one parent before the other. You could then ask them for help to approach the other. Sometimes brothers and sisters are a good starting point as they are likely to understand more about homosexuality or bisexuality. Make sure you understand why you are going to tell them. One of the best reasons to come out to your family is to become closer to them.
There are a number of typical responses that parents in particular, are known to say: "How can you be sure?", "I went through a phase like this at your age", "You'll grow out of it", "You haven't tried hard enough with the opposite sex" and "How can you know at your age?"
These are listed here so that you might find a bit of
preparation helpful in anticipating the questions that could
be asked of you. You might find it helpful to discuss these questions first with a trusted friend or a lesbian and gay
Helpline (see the GayCruz Directory for switchboards
in your area).
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Support for your family
This can be a traumatic time for some members of your family. You may feel unable to answer all their questions or to deal with all of the issues that come up for them.
They in turn, may not feel comfortable talking about homosexuality or bisexuality with you. There are several
organisations that offer support to parents who are coming to terms with their sons' and daughters' sexuality.
PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) produces booklets written for parents - you can request copies from the address given on the
lesbian and gay switchboards' page.
This can be a difficult time if your happiness is dependent to some degree on your family's reaction. If this is the case for you,
it could be best that you talk it over with someone who has been through it already - perhaps your local gay
Helpline.
How should I tell them?
There is no rule that says you have to sit down and talk to others about
this. There are others ways that you might like to tackle it.
You might like to write to them first and give them time to react in their own way. This is probably a better approach if, for example, you live a long way from your family or friends. Remember that you have probably taken a long time to get used to the idea yourself and others might need the same amount of time. Writing a letter allows you to take your time and to compose your thoughts carefully and clearly. It can also give the person you are writing to space to react and consider the news before discussing it with you. This could be a useful approach if you are expecting a very hostile or negative reaction. If you decide to talk face to face, remember not to rush it or to do it when one of you is in a hurry or distracted. It probably won't help to
memorise a script either - you can guarantee that some people do not respond in a predictable manner. If you are worried about their reaction, tell them of your fears and that you don't want to hurt them but need to be honest with them.
Remember to listen to what they have to say - it should be along the lines of a chat, not a speech!
Read the 'Coming Out' stories listed at the
bottom of this page for real-life coming-out situations that took
place around the world.
When should I tell them?
When it comes to coming out, timing is an important consideration. Choose the moment carefully - do it when you (and they) have lots of time - not last thing at night when you are likely to be more tired and emotional. Think about the way you are feeling,
and allow for 'nerves', which would be perfectly natural under the
circumstances. Don't do it if you are feeling angry or emotionally sensitive - this will affect what you say and how you say it. For obvious reasons don't do it when you are drunk (even if you think you need a drink to steady your nerves).
And remember - only when you are good and ready. A friend once said that he knew he was ready to tell his family only when he
realised that, if he had to, he could live without their support. Fortunately for him (and his family) this didn't happen.
| "There is nothing mixed up about a woman who loves women, who wants to have sex with them, or who identifies as a lesbian. It is society that is mixed up because it punishes people for not conforming to its gender stereotypes" - Edward Stein, editor of Forms of Desire: Sexual Orientation and the Social Constructionist Controversy |
Consequences and reactions
So you've told someone. You are either balancing on the edge of an erupting volcano or dancing with
joy on the moon (or both!). Some people describe a huge weight being lifted from their shoulders, of feeling euphoric and giggly and childlike again. Don't feel guilty about it - go on and enjoy yourself, you deserve
it! The thrill of revealing something long kept hidden can give a tremendous sense of relief. Use this new found energy wisely and remember that close friends and family may be worried that you have changed out of all recognition. Reassure them that you have changed - and for the better and that you are simply exploring a new, more
complete you.
Most people will experience many positive reactions. For example, "We're so pleased you could tell us" or "Well, we had already guessed and were just waiting for you to say something." Some gay people have also met with the response, "So am I." "My parents refused to talk about it. They dismissed it and said they didn't want the subject brought up again. I decided that I was going to continue to live my life as a gay man. I stopped going home as often as I used to and attending family occasions. It is only now, three years later, that they have begun to broach the subject with me." If it hasn't gone too well - don't lose heart. Time is a great healer and things will get better.
If you are experiencing rejection from some close friends, ask yourself if they were really so close that they couldn't support you through this. If your family is reacting badly, this is in all probability, normal. They may be experiencing a whole range of emotions including shock, grief, guilt,
disappointment, blame and lots of pain. "My family say that they accept that I am gay but they don't want to see me being affectionate with another man. They say that they won't be able to cope with it."
Remember how long it took for you to come to terms with being gay.
Many parents will feel a loss in some way - perhaps of future grandchildren or weddings and other family gatherings. This can blur their happiness and their love for you. "I was at a wedding recently and everyone was there with their partners. I was upset that I couldn't bring mine. Everyone asked the usual embarrassing questions about boyfriends and I just had to smile and make excuses. I didn't want to row with my family about it but it's just not fair."
At the end of the day, your parents are still your parents and, in time, few reject their children because they are gay. If they go quiet on you, give them time to react and the opportunity to think about what you have told them. If they ask lots of questions, it's a good sign. It may help to think of it as though it is in your interests to respond to them - they are likely to be the same ones that you have asked yourself many times along the way. If things are so bad that you feel like giving up with the whole process of coming out, it's important to talk to someone about your fears and concerns.
Lesbian and Gay Switchboards are there to
help you.
| "Hick darling...I couldn't say je t'aime et je t'adore as I longed to do, but always remember I am saying it, that I go to sleep thinking of you" - Eleanor Roosevelt, in a letter to Lorena Hickok |
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It's probably better to persevere and keep going, after all, you have come this far and in many ways it would be difficult or impossible to go back.
The next person you talk to will probably give you a big hug and say that they were relieved that you had found the courage to tell them and that they had suspected that something may have been on your mind for a long time. |
Coming out at work
There are some circumstances where coming out could seriously affect your job security and promotion prospects. Just be aware of what these are.
In coming out to non-gay
people (straight people), your experiences will probably vary quite
a lot. Sometimes it will go well. Occasionally a good former relationship will be terminated abruptly or will fade away unexpectedly. From the experiences of many lesbians and gay men, their parents and friends,
the following suggestions are offered as a way of tackling what has
probably been going around your mind for quite a long time. These
options need to be evaluated in the light of your own personal situation and needs.
This is not the definitive list or 'proper' way; it's just a
common-sense approach to tackling something that has been undertaken
many times before, but always with a sense of 'how will they take it
when I tell them?'
- Be clear about your own feelings about being gay. If you are still dealing with a lot of
anxiety, guilt or depression, seek help in getting over that before coming out to parents or other non-gay people. If you are comfortable with your
identity, those to whom you come out will often understand and
appreciate that fact and be aided in their own renewed acceptance of
you
- Timing can be very important in coming out. Be aware of the health, mood, priorities and problems of those with whom you would like to share your sexuality. The mid-life crises of parents, the relationship problems of friends, the business concerns of employers and countless other factors over which you have no control can affect another's receptivity to your
information
- Never come out during an argument. Never use coming out as a weapon. Never encourage parents to feel guilty for having
'caused' your sexual
orientation - because they didn't
- When coming out to parents or family, try to affirm mutual caring and love before launching into your announcement about your gay or lesbian
life
- Be prepared that your revelation may at first surprise, anger or upset other
people. Try not to react angrily or defensively. Try to let other people be honest about their initial feelings even if they
seem negative. Remember that the initial reaction will not likely be the long-term one. Ultimately the individuals who have really faced and dealt with their
homophobia
(the fear of homosexuals) may be far more supportive than those who give an immediate but superficial expression of
support. If telling parents or those with whom you live, best be
a little proactive and prepare suitable temporary accommodation
until things at home have quietened down a little
- Emphasise that you are still the same person - no better or
worse. You were gay yesterday and will be gay tomorrow. If you were responsible and caring yesterday, likewise you will be loving and responsible
tomorrow
- Keep lines of communication open with people after you come out to
them - even if their response seems negative. Respond to their questions and remember that they are probably in the process of reexamining the
 myths and stereotypes about gay people which we all have learned from our
culture
- Be sure that you are well informed about homosexuality. Read some
good books about the subject and share them with individuals to whom you have come
out
- Encourage your parents or others to whom you come out to meet some of your lesbian and gay
friends
- Remember that it takes many gay men and lesbians a very long time to come to terms with their own sexuality and even longer to decide to share
that fact with others. When you come out to straight people, be prepared to give them time to adjust and to comprehend the new information about you. Don't expect immediate acceptance. Look for ongoing, caring
dialogue
- If you are rejected by someone with whom you have come out, do not lose sight of your own self worth. Remember that your coming out was a gift of sharing an important part of yourself which that person has chosen to reject. If rejection does come, consider whether the relationship was really worthwhile. Is any relationship so important that it must continue in an atmosphere of dishonesty and hiding? Was the person really your friend or simply the friend of someone he or she imagined you to be?
- Remember also that the loss of a friend is not the end of the world. Coming-out decisions must be made cautiously, but integrity and self-respect are extremely important in the long
run
- A casual or offhand approach often works best with
workmates and relatives. Sometimes a confrontational situation can be
avoided by being honest, in a conversational way, about whom you live with and date, and how you spend your leisure time. The other person is given a chance to
recognise the circumstances of your life and to admit to your homosexuality without being obliged to make some immediate response on this
issue
- Remember that the decision to come out is yours. Don't be guilt-tripped into it by people who think that everyone must come out or by snooping people who ask impertinent questions. You can usually decide when, where,
how and to whom you wish to come out. At this stage in our society, full public declarations about one's sexuality are not necessarily the best decision for most
people
- Try not to let your family and close friends find out about your gayness from third parties such as
neighbours or the media. Try to tell them personally beforehand
- Whenever you come out, reflect upon the experience and learn from
it
- Never let yourself be pressured into coming out before you are
ready
 Coming out is one of the most difficult things we do in our lives. It won't always go well, but most of the time it
can be a very freeing experience.
Read the 'Coming Out' stories listed at the
bottom of this page for real-life coming-out situations that took
place around the world.
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GayCruz
- Coming Out
