Aphex Twin

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A man of immense good looks.

Want to play his music on a piano? oh shii-

Aphex Twin, champion of aged care.

An undanceable "techno band" consisting of one member, Richard D. James. James supposedly lives in his parents' basement and times his songs' rhythm to the beat of his own spastic, palsy-addled masturbation. Come to Daddy is the band's most well-known track, which suckered a bunch of pretentious dipshits into buying discs filled with off-tempo warbly quiet keyboard shit thinking it was so going to be way more aggro. Only listened to by Eurotrash faggots and David Firth.

James is also a damned liar as he is not a twin but has been known to use Aphex brand equipment. He is worthy of modest praise due to his highly accurate portral of niggas and spics in his sick fuck video[1] which features transsexuals. Nice.

1 Pretentious Fuck
2 Open head, insert eggbeater
3 The final straw
4 Greatest video ever?
- 4.1 A Challenger Approaches!

[edit] Pretentious Fuck

Aphex Twin also goes by the names AFX, Blue Calx, Bradley Strider, Cockmongler, Martin Tresseder, Caustic Window, Gak, Autechre, Soit P.P., Polygon Window, Power-Pill, Q-Chastic, The Diceman, Tahnaiya Russell, and Bloo Bibbelty Bobknob Hotrod, because he is a pretentious pseudo-artistic faggot.

He owns a tank and a submarine, both of which are armed with white noise generators and concert halls. He once played an entire concert using a food processor and his own soiled underwear. This was enjoyed by his mum because nobody else would come.

[edit] Open head, insert eggbeater

It is notable that listening to Aphex Twin is like spinning a piece of sandpaper on a turntable. The Birmingham City Council once forced him to record his next album in a bank vault under armed guard to stop noise pollution. You could listen to Aphex Twin if you:

1. Like the smell of your own farts

2. Are a brainless candy raver that can't hear a damned thing over your self-inflicted tinnitus

3. Are his Mum. And then, ONLY on his birthday.

[edit] The final straw

In 2001 Mr. James emailed secret copies of his album 'Droogs' to Aphex fanboy and noted spazz 'Joyrex' of Joyrex.com (now [watmm.com]). Joyrex replied that said tracks were 'quite good'. Unfortunately, Mr. Rex was unfamiliar with the venerable language of Cornish; in Cornish, 'quite good' means 'unlistenable drill and sub-sub-Satie boring plinky filler'. Much lulz ensued.