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From Encyclopedia Dramatica

/b/ on christianity

What Christianity needs: fewer TV preachers, more ass-kicking Crusaders

Typical Christian Family values (sauce: http://legionofangels.net/forum/)

Jesus comes in many shapes and colors: "Awooogah! Where 'dem White women at?!"

A zealous Christ fanboy. Christians often have a sexual obsession with Jesus Christ. They are, ironically, proof that there was no Intelligent design. They will accuse YOU of hating Jesus, do you hate Jesus?

Christ fandom is one of the oldest fandoms, with a history that spans continents and centuries. To insinuate to a fundamentalist (hard-core) Christian that the Bible is poorly-written fiction will probably result in you being burnt at the stake. Christians, like furries, are often very defensive about their degeneracy. The most important day of the year for Christians is Easter-Day when, legend would have it, Jesus Christ burst forth from a giant chocolate egg to save you from your sins. Except from the sin of being a fatty and guzzling too much chocolate. Although graphical representations of Jesus Christ usually depict him with a slender figure, chances are he was a fatty with body weight dimorphism. Interestingly enough, he is always depicted as white, proving that Christian artists are White Supremacists.

Many historians are skeptical of whether Jesus really did exist, but almost all agree that he was a flaming homosexual if he did. Archaeological evidence suggests Jesus had planted a dildo up his ass before his crucifixion to give him some enjoyment during the trial that awaited him. The dildo is known as the Lance of Longinus, because it belonged to a Roman soldier of the same name, Lance Armstrong.

The most ridiculous thing amongst Christians is that several different sects believe completely different variations of the story that a cheap jewish carpenter who was born from a 16 year old girl who was raped by an angel, became a magician grew up with a huge fetish for BDSM and became an hero for your sins. He then became a zombie and flew into space with JHVH-1, the alien space-god. As if this isn't ridiculous enough, Christians believe that you must also pray every day to this zombie to remove a deep evil from your heart that was put there because a rib-woman ate an apple offered to her by a talking snake.

Christians make up around 84% of the United States, but still will always moan about how oppressed they are. They are happy to shit over everybody else's viewpoints, but if you ever dare criticize Christianity, you will be accused of being "disrespectful".

example:

Christian:

'All Muslims are going to hell, because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.

All Hindus are going to hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.

All Buddhists are going to hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.

All Wiccans are going to hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.

All...

Guy:

'Wait a minute, how are those religions any less valid than Christianity?'

Christian:

'How dare you offend my sacred, deeply held beliefs! Stop oppressing me! You are SO going to hell!'

According to God, "Christianity is fucking gay."

[edit] Bible

This bear was named Jesus by a child, and no one died.

Leon and his friends at church.

The Bible is a boring space opera where Xenu God, a galactic tyrant, fucked everyone over who ever thought of crossing him in an effort to show them who wore the fucking pants, God did. Despite causing certain and repeated ruination he eventually grew tired of killing off nearly all of the population of which he created, he's a nice guy. He occasionally came back in the sequels to turn people into pillars of salt and to kill all fags but he retired in late 95' after turning down a lucrative hip-hop career.

Some typical Christians, such as the one shown above, are big fans of Anonymous.

All Christians are hardkore fans of the Bible and will literally stab you in the face if you do not immediately embrace their exact view of God. Christians are inherently mentally retarded and must read from the bible at all times or they will instantly die from a sudden onset of self realized hatred of their putrid disgusting sausage bodies. In a stunning twist they believe fucking everything written in any book labeled "The Bible", regardless of how unbelievable it becomes. To show their community spirit fan-art is also encouraged. Most Christians are split between the canon original (aka Old Testament) and the fanfic (aka new Testament), most of their time is taken up arguing over which version is currently best, King James ya heard?!?!! This is futile as everyone knows that Xenu will descend from the heavens and not Jesus. If you ever tell a Bible joke to a Christian they will instantly ignore you times at least 100 thousand because you're a hater, you god damn insensitive atheist.

The Bible is also the source of everything known to Christians including NASCAR, Country AND Western, and the ever lovable Faux News, the only TRUE news channel. The standard response of any Christ hatin' is to quote fucking everything as loud and quickly as possible; this is to confuse and bewilder their opponent. This tactic usually works as no one enjoys loud, obese people yelling sexual taunts as they molest Baby Christ dolls. Don't tak Jesus n' vain the bibel says so! ))):<

[edit] Baptist

Baptist is a fundamentalist cult of Christianity that is generally associated with people who pronounce "athlete" with three syllables; these people generally live in states such as Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, and South Carolina. Unfortunately, however, Baptists are located all over the United States and world. Interchangeable with Evangelicalism.

Baptist services are generally characterized as cheerful and fun. There is usually a snake-handling session with some angry rattlers, some spontaneous cancer and paralysis cures, and lots and lots of glossolalia (speaking in tongues).

An inspiration to all.

Although a roaring success as a cult, there's practically nothing which all or even most Baptists can agree on that separates them from other types of Christianity, except that yelling "I'm saved" is the coolest thing evar. However, their members are often known for their fascist political leanings and tendency to be profoundly moronic rednecks. Southern Baptists also often say that anyone who consumes alcohol is going to hell, which is total bullshit. They will stop at nothing to make sure YOU aren't having the gay, except when they are, in which case it's for the good of Jesus. Despite wanting to rape and pillage every intelligent thought outside of PRAY-AH, they've some how managed to stumble into politics to troll the gays as to keep them from prancing in fields and licking lolipops. Baptists constitute half of the nation's weight due to their deadly addiction to GUD OL' KOUNTRY COOK'N, which is disgusting to anyone but a fucktard, praise Chrisssst!

Baptists control fucking everything from their Jesus clad towers in order to sell SALVATION and stomp angrily at whatever happens to offend them this week. They tend to alienate the entire nation by claiming AIDS, God's weapon of choice, is going to assrape everyone into loving Jesus. When not blaring their love of God on every TV, radio, and newspaper they take to PREACHIN' TO DA MASSES, this usually varies from drowning people, punching them in the face, or raping every eardrum through the power of music. The best preacher ever to be born was Ted Haggard who warned people of the gay and drugged as to lead a moral and just life.

Most Baptists are also Jews. It is also an important goal to become morbidly obese before adulthood and marriage. Interestingly, most married Baptist men are getting a little on the side with young local meth addicts. Another tradition that many Baptists have is to make mean comments about Catholics. They complain that Catholics don't read the Bible and are otherwise ignorant, but what they forget to mention is that only about 10% of Baptists have even graduated college, though this still puts them above Pentecostalists and Scientologists.

[edit] Christians and Jews

Jesus himself

Like all good Human beings, Christians hate Jews. However, Since 1949, Christians have had a hell of'a time trying deal with their hatred of Jews and their buttfucking love of Israel.

Most theorize that Christians are able to tolerate the Jews being in Israel because the only thing they hate moar than Jews are the Muslims, turning the whole situration into a "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" sort of deal. Actually, that's an Arab proverb. Fuck Arabs and Fuck that. It's probably just that they are confident that Jesus will return when the Temple of Solomon is rebuilt and kill all the Jews. So it's a small price to pay in the longrun.

[edit] Baptist Truths

Baptist fighting monk in Level Three Serpent Style battlemode

Jesus and Hitler are BFFs

You best watch out for Jesus now. Note how Pat Robertson sounds like a little kid being told about Santa Claus for the first time-" And he bring us presents?!??!?"

Baptists do no leik Stephen Colbert :(

[edit] Catholicism

Christ comes in many forms.

Catholics, or "Cathyz" as they are called OL, are like normal Christians except they live in Pennsylvania and avoid modern devices such as automobiles and electricity. Every year, the Christian teenagers go to Rumspringa, a sort-of spiritual spring-break, where they get to committ crimes and suck cock without getting in trouble.

You can identify a Catholic girl by her unwillingness to let you stick your penis up her butt. She will, however, slob your knob like no other. Fact: Catholic girls swallow cum.

[edit] #1 On the Charts, #1 In Your Hearts

Despite the above, Christianity is the One True Religion. By any standard — number of aderents, amount of real estate, weeks spent on the Billboard charts — Christianity is by far the #1 religion on Earth. Of course, popularity in itself does not mean Christianity is the One True Religion — after all, most people are idiots — but considering that Christianity is not a particularly easy religion to follow, and that most Christians are embarrassing examples of hypocritical assfaggotry, the fact that it is the industry leader is not so difficult to understand. Christianity's track record against name-brand competitors like Islam and Hinduism and lower-priced knockoffs like Mormonism and the Jehovah's Witnesses is fearsome; its staying power against government regulators is legendary. Despite the best efforts of such people and powers as Herod, Nero, Mithras, the Gnostics, the Arians, Diocletian, the Muslim Caliphate, the Lollards, the Ottoman Empire, the Druids, the Pagans, the Albegensians, the Norse, the Shogunate, The Hussites, the Italians, the Gallicans, the Jansenists, the Rationalists, the Freemasons, Voltaire, the French Revolution, Napoleon Bonaparte, Georg Hegel, Ludwig Feuerbach, George Holyoake, Arthur Schopenhauer, John Stuart Mill, Friedrich Nietzsche, Karl Marx, Mikhail Bakunin, Charles Darwin, Thomas Henry Huxley, John Dewey, Vladmir Ilyich Lenin, Emma Goldman, Leon Trotsky, Peter Kropotkin, Josef Stalin, Adolf Hitler, Mao Zedong, Jean-Paul Sartre, Enver Hoxha, Fidel Castro, Salvador Allende, Margaret Sanger, Bertrand Russell, Ayn Rand, Madalyn Murray O'Hair, The Beatles, James Randi, Penn Jillette, Peter Singer, Marilyn Manson, Richard Dawkins, Steve Wozniak, and many others, Christianity is still #1 in $al€$ $u¢¢€$$ and growing by the year. JESUS FTW

[edit] Christian Gallery

Baptists believe in The Rapture		Typical Christian	Traditional Christian method of dealing with fags.
Christ shalt not protect ye from wiki vandalism.	A pastor enjoying her day at the pool	Christ is not yours he's MIIIIINE.	Why you rape!? D:<
A good Christian	Jesus always liked to bully children.	Because 87% of the U.S. population is being persecuted. Also MEAT	Christofascist
Intelligent design indeed.	Christianity is a highly legitimate and intelligent set of beliefs.	That bird wasn't BAPTIZED!!	I can't believes it!

[edit] Christian Quotes

Most Christians are above such archaic ideas as logic; they have the fucking Bible you baby raping sodomite.

[edit] Christianity LJ Community

Christianity is moderated by jjostm, ariston, and pould. This community is the home of much drama. Past graduates have included purelily, foxmagic, and Nathan Sheets. Once upon a time, butt sex used to be the prime object of discussion, but now all "love juice" questions are directed at christianitysex. Instead, the denizens of this community now get their holy mojo risin' via hilariously pseudo-nonchalant usage of Jewish and Hebrew terms, to make themselves sound more "authentic" or what have you.

This group is especially useful for those who suspect themselves of being damned. A quick listing of your sins will result in helpful feedback indicating not only which circle of hell you will suffer in for all eternity, but whether your assigned demons will use pitchforks or cattle prods.

The group is able to offer this service through member myprophet, who has announced she is God's appointed voice on Earth. The Pope denies this, saying he is God's appointed voice on Earth. George W. Bush says they are both crazy blasphemers, and he is God's appointed voice on Earth. Attempts to settle the issue through a walk-that-water challenge have as yet been unsuccessful due to scheduling difficulties, however God is quoted as saying "Jesus fucking Christ, I don't know why I bother."

The rise of stupidity in the United States has also been found to be proportional to the rise of Jesus tattoos and Jesus necklaces. Most notably, George Bush has Jesus tattooed around his asshole. Religious Christians also tend to flock to the South which migh explain why the South sucks so bad.

[edit] Present-Day Crusades

Though it is thought that the Crusades were gone long ago, these true Christains, with the help of their Holy Megaphone, are bringing it back:

[edit] External Links

• A lulzy website
• Yourgoingtohell.com
• Made by lulzy Fundies
• A Christian Terrorist group that needs to be V&

[edit] See also

• Jovantee Blair
• Fundamentalist
• John Hagee
• Rapture
• Retard
• Xiao-Feng-Fury
• Chris Forcand
• Christian Rock