Soul Calibur

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The most requested tattoo template at the 1998 E3 convention.
The most requested tattoo template at the 1998 E3 convention.
Inspiration for the video game.
Inspiration for the video game.
Lulz Rule 34.
Lulz Rule 34.
The Dreamcast release cover.
The Dreamcast release cover.
This is Voldo. He wants a groin massage.
This is Voldo. He wants a groin massage.
You can play as the O rly owl.
You can play as the O rly owl.
Ivy and Cassandra
Ivy and Cassandra


hfjskauweyrgsdkaalklqiwewihdihsakshdkjsdbsndnasbchjbaskjdueuwhkjashdbeu Oh, hello there. I was just brushing up on my button mashing skills. I'll need them later tonight when I play my favorite video game, Soul Calibur.

Contents

[edit] Introduction

Soul Calibur was created last Thursday by a video game company called Namco, which never created anything else ever (The box of Time Crisis lies, do not fall for it's gypsy charms!). It was designed by Hiroaki Yotoriyama, a cyclops Jap who thought that writing a story about someone finding an evil sword or some shit would be a totally original storyline.
See: King Arthur

[edit] How to Play

  1. Choose Character
  2. Mash your thumb across all four Dreamcast controller buttons repeatedly.
  3. A winner is you!

[edit] Soul Calibur Zero

Was a shitty arcade game everybody hated. They released it later on PS1 because they thought they could fool people into thinking it wasn't shit

[edit] Soul Calibur

Made the worst game ever made for the time. Still the best game available on the Dreamcast. For lulz, they made a prequel to this and put it on PSX and Arcade, but some people will claim that the prequel came first as is entitled Soul Edge. These people are Scientologists and are trying to steal your money and turn you into a woman with their evil Scientology powers. Beat them with a broom and run!

[edit] Soul Calibur 2

Sequel to the first game but released on every console ever. You could now play as a gay elf, some demonic nigger, and some fag from Tekken with no weapons.

[edit] Soul Calibur 3

Another sequel but it was only released on the PS2 because Xbox and GC owners didn't want that shit on their system.

[edit] Soul Calibur IV:A New Hope

An epic Star Wars fighting game starring Yoda, Some Gay Apprentice from a gay hack and slash no one gives a shit about, Mace Windu, Luke Skywalker, Mickey Mouse, Your Mom, Micheal Jackson, Boba Fett, R2-D2, Mama Luigi, Hulk Hogan, and Bambi Blaze. For the Xbox 360, rumored to guest star Nightmare and Ivy from Soul Calibur.

It's rumored that Darth Vader is in the PS3 version, but no one can confirm this as nobody has one.

Was supposed to come out July 29th, but a bunch of faggots stole it 50 years early and killed themselves because of how shit it was, in over 9,000 years Namco will release Darth Vader to the 360 version as DLC, at the price of 5,000 Microsoft points and your immortal soul. Which means you won't be able to download the 666 available costume packs for your create-a-characters (by which I mean the regular cast with different clothes) as they require 3,295 Microsoft Points each because of how poor you are. Also as an added bonus, characters come equipped with their own unique final smashes which you can use after grabbing a smash ball critical finishes which you can use after raping someone.

[edit] On Ecksbawkes Live

Soul Calibur IV introduces the exciting new feature of online gameplay, where you can take a pre-existing or custom fighter in one-on-one matches through the Xbox Live system (let's be honest, no one uses the PSN).

One would think with over 30 characters to choose from, it would be challenging to adapt to whatever fighting style your opponent uses. This is not the case, as everyone on Xbox Live is a 10 year old profanity spewing racist, no one gives a fuck and just uses Kilik. With his absurdly long range and spammy, one button attacks, he is the character of choice for every 1337 pro gaemer out there. Him or Sephiroth, since making a custom Final Fantasy character is so ZOMG ORIGINUL.

Note for Experienced Players:

You may constantly be winning against people 30 times your current level. Do not be surprised since this game makes it so easy to gain exp.

[edit] Story

The sword Soul Edge, which has become overwhelmingly evil due to its big scary red eye, has been stolen by a homosexual pirate from Spain named Cervantes (colloquially known as Cap'n Rimjobs). Cervantes, along with his assbitch Voldo, wander the seas in search of answers, answers to questions like:

  1. Why the fuck is this sword evil?
  2. Why does the most powerful sword in the world look like a self-aware tree branch attached to red paste and a dull blade?
  3. Why is Voldo dressed more suggestively than 9 out of 10 Suicide Girls?

Uh, three years go by and now Soul Edge is with some Unicorn-knight named Nightmare with a stump radish evil, evil hand. He lives in a run-down castle in Germany which is fabled to have held the long-dead cast of The Real World: Medieval Shithole. When Nightmare isn't out mercilessly slaughtering innocent Germans, he's in his castle, polishing his evil sword on your girlfriend's ass. Disregard that there is no story

[edit] Characters and Description

  • Algol - Some mage introduced in the fucking Star Wars game Soul Calibur IV:A New Hope who has the ability to wield Soul Edge and Soul Calibur at the same time as Nightmare and Siegfried because he ate the game's plot and made the programmers forget the basic rules of logic with his penis.
  • Mitsurugi - The typical everyday Japanese citizen and Western Japanese wannabe.
  • Taki - ToADlY HaWT AZN girl wearing impossibly tight spandex who sounds like she's getting raped in the anus every time she hits. Has ginormous tits (yep, not even gigantic is accurate) with perpetually hard nipples that bounce every time she moves, which goes to show two things: they have been sucked by every fucktard in the series, and she is asking for it.
  • Sophitia - Every Nordic goddess ever. Except with better legs. Was almost raped by Raphael, and is totally hot MILF.
  • Cassandra - Sophitia's little sister who happens to live in the same house with her. Pals around with Rock, for some reason.
  • Voldo - Voldo is the dream of every overweight BDSM enthusiast in the world. Just...look at the picture.
  • Cervantes - The aforementioned homo-pirate who happens to be the father of Ivy, much to her dismay. He comes equipped with a flaming gay set of golden armor. Was also trained by ninjas.
  • Li Long - He WAS important. Then he died. Or something. You didn't miss much, though, because he was replaced by Maxi.
  • Rock - One of those Death Valley fossils on steroids that befriended a little Native American boy. Oh, and he has an axe mace.
  • Seung Mina - Same typical AZN bullshit. Brings a shitty-ass pole to a sword fight. The only reason she crossed the world wasn't to find Soul Edge, but to find Yunseung just so she could screw him senseless and take him back home.
  • Yunseung - Stole Seung Mina's family sword even though she actually gave it to him. He planned to get Soul Edge but not turn evil, save his country with it, and kick Hwang's ass. Seung Mina tracked him down and told him he was too young and stupid for trying, then proceeded to rape him until he came home, in more ways than one.
  • Hwang - Prefers his name to be spelled Wang. He is a Korean homo ported over from Starcraft.
  • Siegfried - The wet dream of lonely German housewives everywhere. HE'S NIGHTMARE LOL. Becomes an hero in the end of Soul Calibur IV:A New Hope.
  • Astaroth - His heart is on the outside of his body. And of course, this is never explained. He tried to rape Maxi, but later denied it.
  • Ivy (SHWING!!) - Sadistic whore with fucking huge tits and uses an extending sword as a weapon. Hrr hrr hrr... Also fights with a magical sausage.
  • Kilik - Another member of the "brought a stick to a sword fight" club, Kilik has the same haircut as every white kid who lives in the suburbs.
  • Maxi - Maxi was dreamed up while toe artists absent-mindedly stared at an Elvis poster and wondered "Hey, what if he had a squeaky voice and a pair of nunchucks?" When using him, just keep pressing Green until your opponent dies.
  • Nightmare - Rhino Unicorn-Knight. He has the eye-sword.
  • Xianghua - Looks like the hostess at your local Chinese restaurant. She's good for taking out the frustration of the hostess asking "Har you spell dat?"
  • Lizardman - Lizardman will rape you. Every time. Don't fight it, you're already dead. Member of the Hollow Earth church.
  • Raphael - Another pedophile. Except moar emo. And he's a vampire that gives people diseases just by touching them. Blah blah blah... He is also the cheapest character in the game and anyone who uses him is a dirty nigger and should be lynched.
  • Amy - Raphael took her in as his own child. We all know the real reason why, though.
  • Talim - The reason why there are so many goddamn pedophiles in this game.
  • Edge Master - An old man with unspeakable power. Such as the power to respond extra slowly to you pressing the button.
  • Inferno - He's the same wireframe character model as every other male character, except he's on fire. Way to go, jackasses.
  • Hilde - A major cockblock, as she's the only female main character in the Soul Calibur games that shows very little skin. Also an honorary member of the "brought-a-stick-to-a-sword-fight" club, but isn't a full member because she wields a sword at the same time. The least-likely to make you a sandwich.
  • Yoshimitsu - A Japanese clown with an awesome move where he shoved the sword up his ass and uses it like a pogo stick. Also punishes the clown in the middle of combat.
  • Setsuka - Slut who wants Mitsurugi's penis. Oh by the way. She's a GAIJIN!!!
  • Tira - 16-year-old girl with a bladed hula hoop. Dresses like a Lolita. Also, batshit fucking crazy, but that's why we all love her. Seriously, you try hating her, you can't, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
  • Zasalamel - Token Nigga, complete with bling. Zasalamel is basically the black guy at school that used to hang out with you and your friends because none of the other blackies liked him. He hangs out with whiteys and listens to Fallout Boy in attempts to make up for his culture swapping but inevitably fails miserably at it. Fucking gangsta. Anyway, he's immortal or something and wants that ugly sword so that he can die. LOL WUT?LOL HE TURNS GOLD AND AQUIRES ULTIMATE HAX AT SOME POINT. Later he becomes Samuel Jackson, for some reason
  • Olcadan - As pictured. Was taken out of Soul Calibur 4, for his unspoken awesomeness, and he kept trying to peck Yoda to death.
  • The Shop Girls - Seen in SC3, one for every fetish. Valeria for your Meido/Big Boob needs, Hualin for your AZn fantasies (and happens to be yet another idiot that brought a rod to a sword fight), and Lynette for ... um, well, she ain't quite loli... um, Gothic Lolita?
  • Link - Some mute elf that no one's ever heard of from some game about barbie dolls called "Legend Of Zelda" everyone hates him for ruining the series, which is ironic considering the series was ruined when the first game started existing
  • Yoda - The mute elf's brother, was the creator of Soul Edge, talks in an odd manner and is the main character of the game series and is loved by all fans. Anyone who claims that he doesn't fit in and is cheap is wrong, a liar, a retard, and should be put to sleep instantly. Disregard this, I suck cocks.
  • Charade - A one-eyed faggot obsessed with raping everything in existence, but has no dick or weapons, so he just cries and eats ice cream, he would if he could, but he doesn't have a mouth. Fuckin' pussy.
  • Darth Vader - We're not sure if he's in this series, since he's PS3 exclusive, but like mentioned before no one can confirm, because no one has a PS3.
  • The Apprentice/Starkiller - Vader's secret love slave apprentice. He's been locked up in Vader's closet for years, and he's full of scars penises.
  • Angol Fear - A three eyed BDSM witch from outer space. Uses a pole her spiked nipples as her primary weapon. Rejected from the gay niggers from outer space for being the white wimenz. Basically a Seung Mina clone.
  • Ashlotte - A magical lolita real doll built by some priests under allegations of molesting choir boys. Her main goal is to rape Asstaroth. Basically an Asstaroth clone.
  • Shura - A sadistic necrophiliac with a thong. Talks to the voices in her head that tell her to burn things. Cervantes is not amused.
  • Kamikirimusi - 600 year old demon girl. Has the same moves as Nightmare. Falls in love with Algol
  • Scheherazade - Obnoxious elf girl with the second most annoying voice in the game, first being Tira. Fights with a rapier yelling AAAIIIIEEE and HHHHEEEIII every time she attacks. Copypasted from Amy.


Image:Gamecontroller.gif Soul Calibur is part of a series on Gaming.

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