Cultist Geeks Violate RPGA Dorks in Indy
INDIANAPOLIS, IN – On the morning of August 20, 2005, H.P. Lovecraft birthday celebrations at Chaosium's booth at Gen Con were subdued by the aftermath of a Cthulhu Beach Party and Clam Bake gone
horribly wrong the night before.
After ninety minutes of innocent fun, Chaosium's latest sex kitten, Mongo the Re-Animated, joined former Vice President candidate Duct Tape Girl and held giant inflatable balloons as simple cultists practiced their right to religious freedom during a limbo competition. Rogue elements of rabble rousers then marched through the Indianapolis Convention Center.
At the end of the march, Duct Tape Girl was able to overcome the tight security of the RPGA tournament room with her blown-up banana--as it was held rather phallically full of innuendo--to further lead the raving mob upon the hapless hygiene-challenged groups inside, interrupting their struggles to achieve 7th level in AD&D.;
Tables were overturned and book bags plundered by the cultists chanting "Ia! Ia! Cthuhlu F'taghn!" Two security personnel, affectionately known as "Blue Shirts," were tied to their armored golf-cart and driven into a fountain. Luckily, both freed themselves from the kite string before drowning.
Worst of all, an unconfirmed allegation of swearing (someone got flipped off) was raised. However, the offended RPGA claimant was unable to identify who exactly performed the unholy act and lectured the whole group for as long as he could before everyone ignored him.
Herald correspondents Clark Ashton Lumley and Tanith E. Howard were detained by the Blue Shirts for ten minutes before offering to buy a round of beers for their captors and the remaining cultists. Of course, this reporter had the better sense not to be involved in the ugly affair, so Clark refused to let me sit at the table and would not buy me one.
Chaosium officials, especially Albert Shiney and Reverend Portijonni, have denied any actual connection to the incident and are officially making no comment at this time. Michael Zackeriah, one of the confirmed cultists, is quoted as saying, "I am sure we (the rampagers) are dead men walking messing with those racketeers (the RPGA), but hey, we were practicing our constitutional rights to religious freedom and free speech."
Howard Potter Derleth
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