Mythos Litter at Fault for Sub Entrapment
KAMCHATKA, RUSSIA – Recent accounts by rescued Russian sailors have revealed that their submarine did not get tangled in a stray fishing net last month, but in a pair of Mother Hydra’s carelessly discarded panties.
The entire world watched with baited breath as Russian, British, and American rescue crews raced to save the sailors of a Russian AS-28 mini submarine trapped on the bottom of the ocean. Early reports stated the underwater vessel was ensnared by both a fishing net and a cable that formed part of a submarine-detection grid for a nearby Russian naval base.
But the real cause turned out to be the stuff of nightmares.
“It was awful,” said Captain Grigoriy Stanakov. “They just floated out of nowhere and enveloped us. Had it been a g-string, we might have been able to make it through, but these were real granny bloomers. We didn’t stand a chance.”
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The recently rescued mini-sub, displaying the "gay not gray" oceanic camouflage pattern favored by many sailors. |
Luckily for the trapped seamen, British personnel were able to cut through the alien fabric with a Super Scorpio unmanned vehicle and free the mini-sub before its air supply ran out.
“At first, we thought the panties were a giant jellyfish,” said operator Giles Osbourne, “but then we noticed the leopard print and embroidered ‘Big Momma H’ on the waistband.”
After a moment of troubled silence, Osbourne added, “Our cameras did reveal a hole in the, uh, bottom of the panties, but it was too small for the AS-28 to penetrate.”
Scientists are currently reviewing pictures of the scene in order to verify if the hole was made to accommodate a tail, or if it was blown out by other forces.
Mother Hydra could not be reached for comment.
Stephen Bierce
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