10.

Reception guests shout “IA! IA!” to get you to kiss.

9.

The wedding band she’s hired features Erich Zann on lead viol.

8.

When the priest gets to the part about “til death do you part,” her entire family bursts into laughter.

7.

You find a naked virgin bound and gagged on the gift table.

6.

When it comes time to consummate your marriage, your wife asks if you’re a virgin. When you say, “no,” she sighs and puts away the cake knife.

5.

The “guest book” outside the reception hall is an old Necronomicon with a few blank pages at the end.

4.

She tells you she’s modeled for the photographer in the past, and he turns out to be Richard Upton Pickman.

3.

The cake topper is a cthulhu statuette with a bridal veil.

2.

The wedding cake she’s chosen can only be described as semi-putrid congealed jelly with suggestions of translucency . . . and frosting.

1.

The wedding ceremony is held at her family’s church, the Dionysian Chapel of St. Bastard.