Ozzy Osbourne
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| Did you know that... Ozzy enjoys fine Shiraz and Belgian Truffles. He also drives a Prius and has trolled IRL for at least 100 years? |
Ozzy Osbourne is a talentless hack. He has always been emo. You just couldn't tell because of the badassness of Tony Iommi. He is however at least 100 times less emo then Dio and his vocal successors in Black Sabbath.
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[edit] Background
Ozzy Osbourne was born to unknown parents at least 100 years ago. He then promptly ran away from home to live in a cave where he was raised by Jewish bats. After a while, he re-emerged into society, where he was disgusted by all the crappy music. Realizing he lacked the talent to produce anything else, he began surrounding himself with more talented children. He also had developed a pathological hate for the animals that raised him, a hate that would goad him into a biting frenzy whenever they were encountered.
[edit] Black Sabbath
Ozzy Osbourne then joined a band called Black Sabbath that put out such hits as War Pigs and Iron Man (based on the successful comic book). On the up side, they had a guitar player who was better than Kurt Cobain, but there are things living under damp rocks that are also better guitar players than Kurt Cobain. Eventually, Ozzy Osbourne decided that they weren't badass enough for him, and set off on his own, which freed Iommi and Dio to produce their own far superior solo work.
[edit] Solo Work
At first, Ozzy Osbourne recruited a guitar player named Randy Rhoads, who was also better than Kurt Cobain. They played songs like Suicide Solution and Crazy Train(Totally emo). After a while, though, Randy Rhoads died, so Ozzy had to find a new guitarist.
After recruiting Zakk Wylde, who is better than Kurt Cobain, but not even worthy to be Iommi's pet, Ozzy went on to put out such hits as Bark At the Moon, Hellraiser, Miracle Man, and No More Tears.
However, then rap music came out, and everybody had to have da mad phat playa skillz and listen to 50 Cent. Then emo showed up, and classic rock fled from the Earth in terror. Metal coiled up and went to sleep in Antarctica. Before it slept it devoured whatever was left of Ozzy's badassness.
[edit] Ozzy today
The death of rock, and the disappearance of metal stole away any talent that Ozzy could rip off.Today, you can watch him on TV, shambling around in slippers and mumbling drug-slurred obscenities at his three children (all of whom are fat wastes of skin) and the shrill-voiced harpy he calls his wife (actually the result of a particularly nasty summoning ritual)
Sharon, the aforementioned shrill-voiced harpy, is a perfect match for Ozzy, being similarly talentless. Lets face it, if you're a brainless rock chick that fucks anything that throws a shadow, and your father is brutal thug that thinks dangling people over the edge of a five storey office bloc when they owe you money constitutes valid business practice, then you might as well as well marry Ozzy Osbourne, it cant get any worse.
Her father, btw, was Don Arden, a boxing impresario, entertainments agent and A&R man, who provided much lulz when he died, due to the number of enemies he made while alive.
The two most famous children (famous because they are both attention whores) are the gruesome Kelly Osbourne, who has managed to take fat, ugly and talentless into exciting new directions, and Jack Osbourne, an anal emo with no redeeming features. the other child, a girl, has at least the decency of not wanting anyone to know anything about her, an admirable strategy if you're related inexorably to the other four.
Judge for yourself (WARNING: this video reduces your IQ at the rate of 5 points a second)
Due to the fact his family actually drains talent from the room as opposed to contributing, he stopped making music until 2007. Somehow (most likely he spent six months in the bat cave where he grew up), he was able to come back and produce a decent record. In a desperate attempt to keep his music afloat, he has made tickets for Ozzfest 2007 free. Good luck getting past the scalpers.
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Ozzy Osbourne is part of a series on Music. |
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