Russia
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Very, very big and cold place inhabitabited by some people who are inscrutable, and some other people who are more scrutable because they are Europeans and/or have money. Now that Russia is an ultra-capitalist semi-democracy, the inhabitants are intrinsically good, freedom-loving, God-fearing people. As part of their good, freedom-loving, God-fearing nature, they attack other countries almost as much as the United States because that's what freedom is all about.
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[edit] Geography
West of our other big, inscrutable friend, China, Russia is a big, big place. It's probably the biggest place you will find unless you go to Jupiter or something like that. Russia is east of the United States and Canada unless you go west. If you go west, Russia is to the west. But we don't really consider it as part of the West because it's east, even though it's also not part of the East because it's west.
Russia can be divided into three regions.
Red: The Communists.
Blue: The land that the Communists no longer wanted after it became useless due to the Chernobyl accident.
Yellow: The Arab terrorists.
[edit] People
Orphans are also readily available from Russia, as baby factories are set up in Siberia to fuel their child prostitution and pornography industries. Generally a Russian baby can be bought for a bunch of bananas and several pairs of used Levi jeans (damn Russians and their love for LEVI'S). Russian babies come with a 2-year warranty, but does not cover defects caused by misuse or mishandling.
Russians speak Russian (Русский язык), which is written in Cyrillic. Their ability to write a simple alphabet that differs from the Roman alphabet gives them a major superiority complex. Never mind the fact that Chinese, Japanese, and Korean are much more complicated writing systems. Their ignorance of their neighbors to the East may be the cause for this fierce sense of superiority.
Russians have an overwhelming sense of pride in the inefficiencies of Communism. While Soviet Russia was unable to produce a functioning toaster, to the Russians that was okay because they had the bombs. The availability of food is unimportant to the Russian, as he can simply brew vodka in his bathtub.
Some favorite pastimes of Russians are drinking vodka, pedophilia, selling organs on the black market, shooting people, standing in bread lines, killing Chechnyans, reveling in their own racism, and being anti-American. When America does something it is evil; when Russia does the same thing it is glorious!
Due to their god awful history and present situation, the Russian people are a hearty bunch. It is not uncommon to see roving street gangs in Moscow beating up innocent people. Do not fear though, as this is the police force.
While it is unusual for heterosexuality to flourish in modern Russia, the occasional straight male tourist will likely be disappointed by the leg hair, mustaches, and overall stench of the women in this bizarre nation.
A rare glimpse of the Reds in their everyday environment
[edit] Government
There is a government, but the Russian mafia or Organizatsiya (Организация) is much more interesting and influential. The Organizatsiya also have much, much more money than the Russian government. If you have any business in Russia (although hopefully you don't), it is much quicker to work directly with the Organizatsiya rather than through government agencies. It's also cheaper.
The Organizatsiya has replaced the Italian and Sicilian Mafia as the principle ultra-capitalist element in the United States, so USAns can now have the convenience of working for them directly from home. You know that new skyscraper in your nearest big city? Well, they probably own that.
[edit] Economy
The Russian economy is principally organized by the Organizatsiya - that's why it's called Organizatsiya, because they organize everything. This is very comforting to government and business leaders in Western democracies because it's a familiar system.
The accepted currency in Russia currently are the following: American dollars, German cars, and attractive women. The currency is subject to change.
Russia's leading exports are pirated mp3s from allofmp3.com and internet brides.
[edit] Ye Olde History
At least 100 years ago the Kievskaya Rus' ruled the area. Contrary to popular Russian belief, it was in fact founded by some lost Vikings who were hunting for Tartar women because they liked having red-headed slaves. Vladimir 1 decided on Greek Orthodoxy as the state religion because the other choice was Islam, which allegedly prohibits drinking.
In the 13th century Genghis Khan’s grandkid invaded and pwned the Kievskaya Rus'. Sweden tried to join the party, but everyone laughed at them because they hadn’t created cellular telephones yet. The Mongols controlled Russia through tribute for at least three hundred years, which is a long time. This is why all the Russian tapestries and picture books from a few centuries ago have the bad guys looking like Guy Sebastian, who all Russians think is ugly. Two or three hundred years later, Ivan the Great got Moscow organized (or at least as organized as Russians can get, in between breaks for drinking and running naked in the snow). His grandson Ivan the Terrible got the throne when he was three, which explains a lot. He became the first Tsar as a teenager and set the my-dick-is-bigger-than-yours precedent for the rest of Russian history. He also set the precedent for invading random obscure little countries, after which he kicked the collective Mongolian ass out of Russia.
Ivan the Terrible hit his son with a metal pole, which was fatal. When asked, Ivan said he "vaz chust doeengk eet for zee lulz". His next son was an idiot who got kicked out by his brother-in-law. Then Poland invaded because Russia forgot about them. Ironically, Russia has never forgotten about them since. Thus Russians can often be heard making snide remarks about Poles and partitioning them into tiny pieces with the Germans, who enjoy them in sausages.
The next poor idiot to hit the Russian throne was Michael Romanov, whose descendants held onto it with an iron fist until the Communists shot them. The Romanov dynasty was uneventful until Peter the Great, who decided to copy the West and forced all the nobles to shave and learn French. He also pwned the Church. Everybody hated him. His grandson was a drunk and let his wife Catherine rule the country. She was called The Great too. This is because Russian historians aren’t very imaginative. They could have called her Catherine the Slut. Anyway, she did all sorts of shit for museums and newspapers and educational stuff. Catherine died at the age of 67 while having sex with a stallion (she was crushed to death by the humongous horse-cock).
Then Napoleon invaded. Russia tends to get invaded a lot. Napoleon was a crazy Frenchman who had at the time conquered most of Europe for the lulz. Alexander 1 did not share his sense of humour. Being a chickenshit he told the army to just keep retreating. This turned out to be a good idea, because by the time Napoleon occupied Moscow somebody had set fire to it. Contrary to popular belief though, Napoleon was defeated during the Russian Summer, not Winter; he invented the winter story so it wouldn't be so humiliating for him. He ran away to take it in the ass at Waterloo.
Rasputin was the single reason for the downfall of the Romanov dynasty. A man who would now represent a pedophilic Baloo Bear from the "Jungle Book", he made the Tsarvich's son Alexi sing "The Bear Necessities" while stroking his erect penis. The Russian revolution shortly followed, as they were homophobes and not impressed by this PETA like behaviour by the heir to the throne. It also turns out Alexi was emo and used to cut himself whilst thinking about all the times his father had ignored him over the years.
Meanwhile, all the peasants were serfs and hating it, so they decided to have a Communist Revolution, which was never particularly communist but, to be fair, was a pretty cool revolution. Lenin was the first “communist” leader of Russia. Then he had a heart attack from eating too many smuggled McDonald's burgers, and everything just went downhill from there. Stalin was a paranoid bitch who had all his enemies shot. Then he had all his friends shot for good measure. Then, in case he had missed someone, he starved all the Ukranians to death, which was a good idea because they were going to turn into zombies after Chernobyl anyway. The KGB is the organisation that did all the shooting because they were the only Russians who could be trusted not to shoot Stalin. The KGB ended up shooting itself multiple times. After a while they decided propaganda was easier than shooting people.
During WW2 Germany attacked Russia intending to to conquer it but got pwned by secret Russian war technique. The entire population of Russia runs at the enemy with no weapons or equipment, the bodies of the fallen eventually stack up so high that a tower of corpuses topples onto the enemy, crushing them all. After Russia whupped Germany’s Nazi ass they took over the country and forced them to pay off the costs of the war by making them sell all their beer.
[edit] The Cold War
The Cold War began at Yerevan, when Wilson and Churchill became jealous after overhearing Stalin and President of Armenia comparing the size of their wangs. Churchill's and Wilson's wangs being much smaller, because they gave each other blowjobs too much, they felt the need to overcompensate by taking over the Eastern World.
Unfortunately for Stalin, people need to eat in order to work and be content. What Russia was good at was getting into missile pissing matches with the United States and collecting third world nations like Pokemon cards. The super holographic card of the deck was Cuba, which had a rich supply of cigars, sugar and pork sandwiches.
Soviet Russia was very different from the Western World. For example, in California, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, the party could always find you. In other ways, they had things in common. For example, the citizens of Soviet Russia were very hateful of Latvians.
The USA was jealous of the Soviet Union having control of Russia. To counter this, NATO installed nuclear missiles in Turkey to show Russia who was the boss. Russia attempted to place a large arsenal of nuclear weapons in Cuba, leading to the Cuban Missile Crisis. The US's naval superiority and JFK's stunning good looks quickly put Russia back in its place, safely ending the crisis.
The entrance of Ronald Reagan spelled doom for Soviet Russia. With Reagan's super strength, heat vision, and with Bonzo the Supermonkey at his side, the United States would soon become the victor in the Battle of the Cocks, for America's cock was/is biggest of all (approximately the size of Japan...x2).
Gorbachev tried to prevent the United States from conquering the USSR by implementing perestroika and glasnost. Perestroika was an economic reform which consisted of changing the Russian currency to the US dollar and hiring Donald Trump to clean up the business sector of Russia. Unfortunately for Russia, Donald Trump soon left the project in favor of cultivating Paris Hilton's career and filming reality TV shows.
Glasnost was social reform. Some freedom of press was allowed, resulting in angsty teenage poetry being printed in all major newspapers in the USSR. Prohibition was also enacted since Gorbachev felt that Russians drank too much vodka, not leaving enough for his personal use. This resulted in the Great Vodka Revolt of 1985 in which 1.2 million people died. Prohibition was lifted soon after.
In 1991, the Soviet Union fell after Gorbachev admitted to being quoll furry during a press conference with the Prime Minister of Australia. Disgusted with how godless their country had become, the Russian population revolted against the government and installed democracy. This quickly led to a flood of Tropicana orange juice, Nike sneakers, and heroin into the country.
[edit] Sport
Russians only do well in Olympic sports and hockey. They aren't so good at football, baseball or basketball(except in European league),so there isn't much global significance in sporting there. Even in hockey, they aren't as good as Canada or the United States anymore, having become to hockey what Japan is to baseball. They also pwn everyone in chess, but no one gives a fuck.
[edit] Russian National Anthem
- Russia, Russia
- Where women look like men
- Russia, Russia
- Russia, Russia
- Soul crushing and cold
- Russia, Russia
- Curse those fucking Americans
- Russia, Russia
- ...Russia!
[edit] Jealousy
The America got jealous of the USSR, because it had more nukes, a bigger army, and better army equipment. As always, America can't stand looking at a country that is FUCKING 9,000,000,000,000,000 TIMES MOAR POWERFUL, so they started making shitty propaganda vids to show the citizens of USA how bad communism is. However they annoyed the Russians so much, that they decided to split the USSR so that those americans would SHUT UP.
[edit] Russian Roulette
Russian Roullete is was invented by Stalin in an attempt to make tourists feel at home. Of course it failed because no one did this at home and the russians soon forgot about it. However asians soon decided this is exactly the kind of thing that they want to be associated with. And began using it to try and lower their horribly large populations. Russia declined to comment.
[edit] World Opinion
"...and from what I have seen of them, I have no particular desire to understand them except to ascertain how much lead or iron it takes to kill them. In addition to his other amiable characteristics, the Russian has no regard for human life and they are all-out sons-of-bitches, barbarians, and chronic fatasses." —George S. Patton
[edit] The North Pole
NORTH POLE HAS BEEN CLAIMED BY MOTHERLAND. [http://www.guardian.co.uk/frontpage/story/0,,2140927,00.html ]
