Suicide

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Suicide is the Winners way to go.
Suicide is the Winners way to go.

Suicide is the absolute and irreversible pwnage of one's self IRL in which said individual subsequently becomes an hero to those still dwelling in the real world. It is the equivalent of flipping over the Monopoly board.

*Advice to those who are less mentally stable: If you intend to kill yourself, DO NOT tell anyone or they may try to stop you.*

Contents

[edit] Suicide and Evolution

What does suicide have to do with evolution? Consider this testimony by a man suffering from depression and contemplating suicide:

“ Hi, my name is Gerard. I'm just a bit concerned by the tendency of the medical profession and society in general to want to put a label on us as depressive people and therefore that there's something wrong with us.

I think that some people may have an inability to cope, and maybe this might sound a bit extreme, but that might be Darwinian theory, the Darwin theory of survival of the fittest.

Maybe some of us aren't meant to survive, maybe some of us are meant to kill ourselves because the only people that really suffer are the ones left behind, but the person who kills themself may in fact be liberated from this body.

„

—Life Matters, ABC Radio National (Australia), 04/05/2000


Pretending there was a struggle Meddie suicide

[edit] Premeditation

Suicide Attempt Failed. Attempt to bring the lulz: Great Success!
Suicide Attempt Failed. Attempt to bring the lulz: Great Success!

[edit] Technique

DAMN THAT'S WHITE
DAMN THAT'S WHITE

Be sure to use a good (reliable) method: failure at being a failure is inexcusable.

[edit] Gunshot

Perfect texbook example of self pwnage with a gun.
Perfect texbook example of self pwnage with a gun.

A .22 caliber is efficient because it penetrates the skull but doesn't exit, bouncing around and scrambling your brains, but use a larger round for guaranteed success. Kurt Cobain and Ernest Hemingway had the right idea with a shotgun. Also, it is good to practice with your gun at a shooting gallery. A shotgun at the back of the head works well--it's the brain stem you want to destroy (lest you return as a member of the undead). Good luck, and leave enough cash for the cleanup crew. Shotguns are also easier to obtain than handguns and can be purchased at 18 instead of 21. It also helps to live in a state with a 0-day waiting period on guns--they only make you wait 30 minutes while they check you out on the FBI. If you have trouble getting a gun, go to a gun show--you can pay cash for a gun. Suicide is best to plan ahead for: you should have a shotgun and ammo ready so when you're sad, you can do it on impulse.

Also known as "Extreme Lead Poisoning."

  • PROTIP: You want this shit to work 100% and you want it to be as painless as possible. One common misconception is to shoot the gun into the back of your mouth. BAD IDEA. This kills you from excessive blood loss and hurts like hell. What's more, you still have a chance to survive this bullshit. Another form of improper use is shooting to the side of your head. Your brain is very small compared to the size of your head, and there's a good chance you'll miss your brain and, once again, die an unimaginably painful death by blood loss. So, how do you properly use a gun to commit suicide you ask? Simple. Put the gun in your mouth, barrel up, and be sure to try and get it in the middle or so. This assures the bullet will go through your brain and the extreme amount of pain you feel will only be for an instant or so. Unless you manage to survive that, in which case you are totally fucked.

[edit] Jumping

Ever been on a roller coaster? No? Of course not, that's something you'd do with friends, and you're obviously lacking them. That fact aside, jumping to your death is a great way to commit suicide. If you tell someone ahead of time, they won't lift a finger to stop you. There's plenty of news crews willing to pay $50 for footage of a guy leaping from his office building, shit in pants and splattering all over the pavement. Leave your mark on the world, and splatter all over a crowded area.

good choice.
good choice.

See also: Chuoside, the Japanese version of a jumping suicide.


Careful: Failure hurts a lot!

[edit] Drugs

Opiate OD is supposedly one of the more pleasant ways to die. So vomit into your own lungs while half asleep and blitzed out of your gourd. Be that rock star you always wished you'd be! Combining booze and barbies is another good method. Rock star! Please see our article on drugs for moar information.

[edit] Recommended Drugs

Be assertive!
Be assertive!

NOTE: mojo_iv has proven without a doubt that no amount of marijuana can kill you.

Your suicide note: They'll only read it for the lulz.
Your suicide note: They'll only read it for the lulz.

[edit] Intake

As much as possible. It is almost always recommended to take any of these drugs intravenously; however, if you are videotaping yourself, or are committing suicide on live television, swallowing has a stronger visual effect. Work the audience!

[edit] Slicing

Plastic knives WILL NOT WORK. Try harder you fat emo dipshit faggot
Plastic knives WILL NOT WORK. Try harder you fat emo dipshit faggot
A convenient howto. Remember - your problems are temporary, but there is a permanent solution.
A convenient howto. Remember - your problems are temporary, but there is a permanent solution.
some good advice
some good advice
For every job there is a proper tool.
For every job there is a proper tool.
Example of Seppuku. This chick pussied out, so her buddy had to cut the bitch's head off.
Example of Seppuku. This chick pussied out, so her buddy had to cut the bitch's head off.
Eeyore becomes An Hero
Eeyore becomes An Hero

Open a major artery; there are two in your neck, either will bleed out fast enough to kill you in a matter of minutes (mostly by removing blood from your already cloudy and ugly brain). Open up your wrists (up from your palm, to your elbow, go deep, at least 1 inch) for that true dramatic "fuck you". You'll have enough time to paint the walls red. Your inner thigh has a huge artery, feeding a bunch of blood to those lower extremeties. You open that up, and sure enough, you'll bleed out and die. Arteries won't clot well without help. However, to ensure minimal chance of survival, it is best to sit in a warm bath as this encourages blood flow, easy mess cleanup. And looks really cool when they find you.

Remember to bring a book - you will need to lose between five and eight pints of blood before you slip into that great oblivion. Most Doctors recomend "The Whipping of the Juggalos".

[edit] Famous Slicers

[edit] 切腹 & 腹切 for the オタク

These two terms, Seppuku and Hara-kiri, both refer to the traditional suicide method of the samurai. The difference is, quite literally, that one translates as "cutting of the belly" and the other as "gut stabbing". The usage is primarily vulgarity, "hara-kiri" is used to indicate that the suicide was essentially a cowardly and dumb act - in direct contrast to "seppuku", which indicates an honourable and noble death.

That difference aside, the actual act itself is identical in traditional form. The samurai, sometimes dressed all in white for dramatic effect (and better blood stains), knelt on the floor, and a friend would stand to his side and slightly behind him. The samurai would then often compose a quick poem about their death before continuing. Then, taking either a short-sword or knife, they would stab themselves in the flesh of their lower left stomach - it gets harder from here on out - after this they would pull the blade from left to right across their entire torso, and then upward. This causes the intestines to fall out onto the floor. The samurai would then ascend to 天 and hang out with all his 飲酒 buddies.

This is very manly way of dying as it is extremely painful, and if you emit any sound whatsoever during seppuku you lose! To get around this rule the more girly samurai would have their friend raise their katana the moment the first incision is made (if you can't take this without grunting then you're just a pussy) - if at any time the samurai looked like he was going to be a crybaby about it then his friend would decapitate him and so preserve his honour.

Seppuku fell out of favor in 1999 when a chef attempted it with a sashimi knife. He died in hospital because he was a failure, just like you will be. However, if you do Seppuku right, then it will restore your lost honor after being pwnd.

さよなら, 糞っ垂れ ^_-

[edit] Poison

The woman's weapon of choice. A solid dose of a neural toxin only hurts for a bit, leaves you looking rosy and nice, while your body shuts down organ by organ. The brain goes last, buddy, after your eyes and ears have already stopped passing information back. It dies slow, a good 5 minutes after your heart has stopped beating. Strychnine, Cyanide, Atropine, Drain Cleaner, Hemlock, Furshampoo, and Lye, these are all good things to swallow and die.

[edit] The Last Kebab

This takes months of preparation before the actual suicide (but then again, what suicide doesn't?) (See Cutting). First, you need to acquire a penis enlarger from your nearest shifty looking sex salesman, and use it on yourself every chance you get, for at least 100 months. You're wanting to commit suicide! What better things have you got to do, other than having a shit and shaving every so often? It may take a while to acheive the desired result, but the main thing is to have patience. Once your penis is longer than the family table leg, carefully conceal it down your trouser leg and leave the house. Walk to a heavily urbanized area, and find a young child, no older than about 5, but preferably a baby. Unleash your manhood and slap the bewildered child about a bit, before quickly thrusting it through their head, killing them. This will most certainly give you an erection, and thus you can run around, trying to skewer more innocents. Aim for the highest score possible before the authorities take you down. Challenge your friends!

[edit] Train Method

See also: Mitchell Henderson.
See also: Mitchell Henderson.


[edit] How to kill yourself

As shown by this thingie, the portuguese, the greeks, the mexicans and iranians are the happiest people in the world
As shown by this thingie, the portuguese, the greeks, the mexicans and iranians are the happiest people in the world

[edit] "The Awesome"

Stand at the top of a tall structure and make sure that there is something relatively soft such as grass, or a sleeping fat person, below. You should preferably be on the edge of some kind of overhang, such as a bridge.

Next, tie cheese wire around your neck - tight enough that it won't slip off under tension but loose enough not to choke you. Remember, you don't want to die looking like a Michael Hutchence wannabe. Nobody wants to be Michael Hutchence. Even Hutchence hated it.

Anyway, tie the cheese wire to something solid on top of the structure. Make sure that there is a good six or seven feet of slack. Now stand at the edge and glue your hands to the side of your head. If you are under the age of 16, you may wish to get a responsible but sociopathic adult to help you. Wait until your hands are glued solidly to your head. This has the added advantage of stopping you from calling for help if you change your mind (you fucking pussy).

Now jump off the structure. It'll only hurt for a second, when the cheese wire runs out of slack and slices through your neck. The overhang should stop you from bashing your now-severed head against the wall of the structure when the cutting motion jerks your body backwards.

You should hopefully land face down, although this is really out of your hands by now. Unlike your head, which is glued to them. This has the excellent effect of causing whoever finds your body to think that you have pulled your head off.

Breaks the ice at parties!

[edit] "The Awesome" Featuring the Boom-shaka-laka

Same setup as "The Awesome" except one must prepare a basketball hoop at the bottom of the place of descent prior to the jump in the hopes of slam-dunking one's own face.

Great way to begin/end a game of HORSE.

If you can't read, check out the pretty pictures instead!
If you can't read, check out the pretty pictures instead!

[edit] "The Other Awesome"

Sandwich Chef knows how its done
Sandwich Chef knows how its done

Find a large building overlooking a park or other public area that can support a large number of people. In the middle of the day, douse yourself with gasoline, put on a suicide bomber vest, and do whatever it takes to attract a large crowd of people. Taking someone hostage and calling in all the news networks is a good method. Once there is a large crowd of people all watching intently, light yourself on fire and jump towards them. Try to aim for the center of the group. Once you're fifteen feet above them, detonate the vest. This will shower the crowd with flaming gibs.

Popular at weddings and bar mitzvahs!

[edit] "The Double Awesome"

A variation of The Awesome, performed the same as The Awesome, with an exception: you do it with a buddy. You glue your hands to THEIR head, and vice versa, so it looks as though you've pulled your buddy's head off, and vice versa, creating lulz.

The kids love it!

[edit] The Pinata

Requires: Smarties and other candy (hopefully half your weight), A building at least 200 feet tall, a loose shirt and baggy pants, a belt, socks, epic fucking balls


1) Go to the top of the structure.

2) Swallow as much candy as possible without chewing. Stuff yourself until you feel like you're going to throw up.

3) Tuck your shirt into your pants, then tighten your belt and fill your shirt with candy.

4) Tuck your pants into your socks, then fill your pants with more candy.

5) Take any candy that's left and stuff your mouth.

6) Jump, you pussy.

7) Fall. May take between 5 and 10 seconds.

8) "Oh, dear lord— Awesome, there's Jelly Bellies!"


This is one of the best forms of suicide, since it teaches impressionable young children not only that suicide is cool, but that it will benefit the other children all around them as well. This will cause more bullies to push suicide as an option, which should create more an heroes... Which of course, will generate more lulz.

[edit] The Last Revenge

Using a catapult, cannon or trebuchet, launch yourself through the window of your most hated enemy (or E-nemy), preferably during some kind of family gathering. You should strike the glass with sufficient force to shred your body to ribbons, causing you to burst spectacularly when you hit the wall at the back of the room. Try drinking lots of blue food dye just beforehand for that authentic "Jackson Pollock" effect.

Your enemy will have to pay huge amounts to clean and fix up the house, only to sell it on at a huge loss because nobody will want to buy it after such a horrific event. As a bonus, the last thing you see will be the unsuspecting faces of your victims. Bonus points if you traumatise a child.


[edit] "The Flying Taliban"

  1. Get a bomb belt with height detecting detonator.
  2. Find a high public building in your city.
  3. Get on the roof of it.
  4. Set your bomb to detonate at about 30-50 metres above the ground level.
  5. Wait for a crowd to gather.
  6. Jump. You will provide a rain of intestines and blood for the crowd and become an hero. +Bonus for falling in superman fashion, extra bonus for having airplane transformer suit.
  7. ????
  8. PROFIT!!!

Alternative - if police somehow gets you, you will still blow up when they escort you downstairs. This is a win-win technique.

[edit] The "Ripper"

Just follow Ripper's easy instructions from beyond the grave.

<ripper> 320mg methadone

<ripper> 24mg klonopin

<ripper> 120mg resotril

<ripper> 1.5 grams KB

<ripper> 4 grams mersh

<ripper> plus the 130mg inderol

<ripper> drink some 151

<ripper> b harcore

[edit] The "Ultima"

Notably one of the coolest ways to off yourself.

  1. obtain a skill saw.
  2. plug in.
  3. using duct-tape, tape open the blade guard and tape down the triggers, this will turn on the saw.
  4. slowly, move the saw into your neck.
  5. Die

Bonus points for doing it in a public area. A very large bonus if you manage to decapitate yourself. Children should always be involved with this method.

DISCLAIMER: Encyclopædia Dramatica bears no responsibility for any of the advice given above, or its effects on your karma. If you're reincarnated as a slug don't come running to us for help.

[edit] The Benoit

  1. Read the article on Chris Benoit.
  2. Make an article about your murder-cide on Wikipedia.
  3. Strangle your wife and child/the 2 closest people.
  4. Hang yourself.
  5. Bonus points if you combine The Benoit with one of The Awesomes.

[edit] Chuoside

The Train of Death awaits would-be jumpers
The Train of Death awaits would-be jumpers
Ideal times to commit chuocide.
Ideal times to commit chuocide.

Chu-o-side

"Chu" like Chewbacca and Niggajew.

"O" like what your mom says when I give her the knub.

"Side" like where I slapped her repeatedly until bruising.<That was fun

Chuoside is the act of dramatically committing suicide by jumping into the path of the oncoming train on the Chuo line in Japan. The Chuosider can be assured their guts, entrials, bones, eyeballs, scrotum, and other various appendages will be messily strewn about onto the unsuspecting commuters waiting to buy tentacle video game porn downtown. Further comfort for the Chuosider is that he or she is assured that his or her unsuspecting family members will get billed for the entire clean up process as well as all the down-time of the trains on that line (Yes, this really happens. A nice little double-whammy). There will always be a cop nearby who will look in the direction of the chuosider at the time of chuosiding with an emotion that can only be accurately described as "stoked".

An example of a Chuoside, where all the details from the grossly dismemberment to the stoked cop can be seen in the movie 'Hostel'. However, due to circumstances, the girl in that movie had to settle for the train on hand as opposed to the real thing. Amatuer.

[edit] Pro Tips

The following are for pros only. No n00bs!

  1. Get a reputable crime scene cleaner to pick up your dead (and potentially rotting) corpse. No one loved you before you were dead, they'll love your useless mass of rotting meat even less. Look in your local yellow pages for them.
  2. Before you make the big step towards Hell, get rid of your possessions and friends. Do you honestly think you need them? And make sure it's a complete surprise for other people. It may even be fun to mislead them with false evidence.
  3. State your intention in your online journal. DUH.
  4. Party like an animal. Hey, it's your last time to do whatever you wanted!
  5. Die.
  6. ?????
  7. PROFIT!!!

[edit] Don't go alone!

Why leave the cruel, cruel world alone? You may as well take down a few emos and jews while you're at it for extra lulz, and, for that matter, Man points. And babies. Who doesn't love Dead babies? If you kill enough of them and maybe, find the much hunted faggot emo jew- and kill him in a LULZ way, you might not want to leave this world anymore. Why to give up on the fun of killing emos and fags and jews while the sun is shining and the minigun is rolling?

see Virginia Tech massacre for moar information.

[edit] Be Aware of Man points!

Suicide can be cause for a major loss of Man points, reducing your e-penis and rendering you a Lesbian. Always consider what effects your actions could have on your Man points.

[edit] The Note

It is very important to write a good suicide note full of lulz. Otherwise, nobody will know why you decided to off yourself. Make sure to spell your words wrong and use bad grammar. Make it so that it looks like you did nothing wrong and that the world is a more messed up place than yourself. For great examples on how to write a note, watch the movie "Heathers". Here is an example of a good suicide note, from the classic Onion article:

[edit] Use quality pen and paper

Make sure your writing materials are of good quality. It can be very frustrating when you want to kill yourself and your pen doesn't work. Friends and family will appreciate good penmanship. Don't forget you're nothing special and everyone knows it but wouldn't they be surprised to find that you can write neatly.

[edit] Be innovative!

Try and reach as many people with your suicide note as you can, drawing as much attention to yourself as possible. If you want to be really hardcore, there are a multitude of ways in which you can take advantage of the Internets for maximum exposure. A great example of this is the The great emo suicide meme of 2005. Another good way would be to take a page out of Pelle "Dead" Ohlin's book and say (this only works if you're gonna have a bloody death) "Please excuse all the blood."

[edit] Chec yor speling

Nothing says 'I'm a retarded emofag' more than if you misspell your own name. You want to make your family and friends cry, not laugh! A good solution would be to use MS Word for your note. That way you can use spellcheck, and also ask that annoying bastard, the MS Word paperclip, for help on writing it and/or your act of self pwn.

Image:Domeafavore.jpg

[edit] Fun With Suicide

Make sure you fuck with a lot of people the day before you do it maybe kick some random three year old on the street in the face or something cause your gonna die anyway might as well give yourself and the world some lulz before you throw yourself in a tree grinder.Maybe pwn some people with a machine gun then smoke a shit load of meth its up to you.

[edit] Did You Jump Or Were You Pushed?

If you particularly hate your family, why not spend the months leading up to your death looking shifty and uncomfortable whenever you're outdoors and leaving cryptic answer phone messages about being pursued? Also try paying off a stranger to phone up your family pretending to be a guy called "Vinny" who is "looking for da money".

When you top yourself - preferably by falling off a bridge or, if you're particularly limber, shooting yourself in the back - you'll be leaving behind a world of confusion, regret and terror for those who survive you. Unless they hate you as much as you hate them, of course! Which would be pretty understandable, given the circumstances.

When using this method, it is better to leave out the suicide note - or use one printed from an untraceable computer (especially if you put some uncharacteristic typos or turns of phrase in there).

Also, if you wear glasses, keep them on when you jump.

Remember, you can't be prosecuted for wasting police time if you're dead!

[edit] Be A Movie Star!

If you're going to die, why not apply to appear in a snuff movie? These are pornographic movies where the star is tortured and killed for the kicks of others.

Sure, your death will be horrendous - but you'll be dead either way, and you might as well give something back to the community. God knows you did nothing worthwhile when you were alive.

Additionally, why not arrange for the movie to be shown at your funeral? It'll be a talking point for years to come, particularly in therapy sessions.


[edit] How to become An hero

1. Go onto/make a Livejournal or Myspace account.

2. Fill your Livejournal/Myspace with crappy, suicidal pictures and blogs.

3. Place on some crappy emo/Screamon music, and write a bog about your going to kill yourself, and give your home address.

4. Buy/Steal/Get the nearest gun/rope/bladed object/etc. and proceed to wrapping around your neck, loading the magazine into the gun, slicing yourself open, etc.

5. Proceed to RL Banning/Self PWNage.

6. ???

7. PROFIT!

[edit] Cultural Suicide

Different cultures have very different forms of suicidefrom our western culture.

seppuku, the only thugged out way to commit suicide.
seppuku, the only thugged out way to commit suicide.
  • Azns perform Hari Kiri
  • Muslims strap bombs to themselves
  • Emos post suicide notes on myspace and die in public bathrooms
  • Junkies OD on needle-drugs while setting highscores for Dance Dance Revolution

[edit] Related Articles

[edit] External Links

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