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United States of Americunts
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The United States (properly called The United States of Americunts) began as a colony originally created by the king of England to house the British Empire's most mentally disturbed pedophiles. Obesity is, in fact, America's number-one killer, as people are too dumb to realize that binging on McDonalds 12 times a day isn't good for one's health. America's number-two killer is a fatal disease known as Chris Benoit.
New York City is there, on the Atlantic Ocean side, while Los Angeles (the place where Anti-Americanism was invented) is on the Pacific Ocean side. Chicago is stuck in the middle of East Coast stupidity and West Coast homosexuality, meaning all chicagoans are both equally gay and stupid.
Many people believe North Korea, Europe and California are the US's next targets as they are all violating the US's strict "don't be a fucking homo" policy.
Contents |
[edit] Government
The United States is ruled by a band of ruthless pedophiles who are advised on matters political and economic by a roomful of monkeys. These warlords are much-liked by a majority of the population because there is a chicken in every pot... well, almost. Sometimes there is pot in a chicken.
The rest of the world pretends to hate the US government because it doesn't like being told what to do by some other country; really they're all jealous. Or Liberal. Or European. Or Muslim.
[edit] The Voting Process
The election of US Governmental officials is complex. The two real parties, the Republicans and Democrats, issue candidates to be chief warlord ("President") and tribal elders ("senators"). There are also many pretend parties that support their own candidates, but that's just a funny little joke they play, because they know nobody is going to vote for them. But this is all just retarded shit made up by some Euro piece of shit.
Then the people of the United States gather for conventions, where they receive the autographs of the two real candidates and have their pictures taken with that guy from Babylon 5. At these conventions, people will inspect the candidates' postures, teeth, hair, and clothes. Hardcore voters may also inspect the party policies, which are usually written in disappearing ink.
A complex voting process follows:
- Voter writes down the name of the candidate he most favors as dictator.
- Voter writes down the name of the party he most prefers.
- Both names are converted to numbers using the enigma code. These numbers are jumbled at random and added together.
- Voter proceeds to name his favorite flavor of ice-cream. If his original candidate likes the same flavour, one adds 1000 onto the previous score. If the candidate does not, one deducts 1000 points. These values are doubled if the voter has a high perception skill. If the candidate does not eat ice cream because he is a vegan, then a Green Party member has somehow got in and a new election must be called.
- Resultant number is subsequently divided by fifteen and rounded up to one decimal point.
- A +2 die of entanglement is thrown. The outcome is multiplied by the first number of which the voter thought.
- Voter chooses a card from the deck. If it is a black card, one deducts 100. If the card is red, one adds 150. If it is a joker, repeat previous step. Threes and nines are wild - four buys another card. If the current Warlord is a Republican, all black cards are removed from deck before play.
- This final figure may be skewed by the electoral campaigns, which take the form of a gathering of color-coded, but otherwise identical monkeys flinging shit at each other.
- On voting day, voter inputs number into RepubliCom voting machine and collects fuel coupons.
- Final tallies are added together for each state, then ignored as the Electoral College decides it with a coin toss.
[edit] Economy
The United States has the world's largest and most technologically advanced economy in the world, due partly to the fact that both Japan and Germany (not to mention, to varying degrees, Canadia, South Korea, Israel, Kuwait, China, and Rhode Island) are now America's lapdogs who are under submission due to threat of possible US invasion. Whenever a technological or industrial breakthrough takes place in Japan or Germany, the US is quick to swoop in and bribe the inventors with McDonald's cheeseburgers and chicken nuggets in exchange for the intellectual property. When leaders of Japan and Germany have protested this imperialism by the United States, US Presidents have simply said "Watch the movie 'Saving Private Ryan'" or "Watch the movie 'The Sands of Iwo Jima'" followed by "We can throw down again if you want to, huh? You wanna do that? That's what I thought Yoshi/Fritz, we're cowboys baby...YEEEHHHAAAA! That's how we ROLL BIOTCH!!!" Nixon resigned days later.
The United States has a yearly GDP (income) of about 15 trillion. This is larger than the 6 next richest nations combined, but it means little because the US spends roughly 33% of this money on Porno, Big Macs, and Budweiser. One of the United States' main claims to fame is the outspending of every other nation in warfare. It is less commonly known that USAns (the inhabitants of the United States) are also the world's foremost producers and consumers of innumerable other products, including liquid paper, noxious gas, Tupperware, disposable diapers, corn, SUVs and baseball.
[edit] Inventions
The widely-used American language (sometimes called English or the preferred language of the Internets) was invented in the United States, as were liquid paper, noxious gas, Tupperware, SUVs,disposable diapers, corn, fortune cookies, French fries, French toast, teh Italian burrito, Chuck Norris, fatties, high-quality crystal meth, and Mexicans. Paradoxically, humans could not possibly survive without these inventions, especially high-quality crystal meth. Inventions of Christian domination tells everyone else who's the hole and the other being the dick.
[edit] People
The first Americans were of a race of fags bred by their sister so that they might destroy themselves for the amusement of the world. Americans are a social group of obnoxious white fucks who can be described as fat, arrogant, loud, stupid, inbred, lazy, and fat. Originally from Europe and thus are all immigrants. Their hobbies include stockpiling weapons, , using weapons, having huge rolls of fat and more food in them at one time than the entire rest of the world, and blasting out an extra asshole into anyone that has any they don't eg. everything. They recently suck more than ever. Americans generally are capable of inducing 4 emotions in their enemies, namely: loathing, anger, hate, and more hate. Betrayal is a favorite emotion because it gives them an excuse to drop napalm on people with higher IQ's than them. It is common knowledge that America was created by many other countries around the world and thus should show some respect. Ironically, it is a fact that the world is fucking sick of this monstrosity that it has created and desperately tries to ignore it which turns out to be impossible because it is full of loud, ignorant, ugly assholes.
But it is also important to understand that not all Americans are taken in by the shit spouted by a lot of other Americans and that some of them are perfectly nice, polite, funny people eg. The Simpson family, most of the people that edit this site.
An important part of Americans lying to themselves and maintaining the idea that America is the best country in the world involves forgetting that the rest of the world exists. Americans display their ignorance of other continents as a badge of patriotic courage; examples include:
- Remaking books and films so that everything is set in America.
- Never traveling outside of North America
- Believing that the capital of Denmark is IKEA, where it is actually the capital of France.
- Becoming intentionally obese to avoid air travel.
- Being really shit at geography questions in Trivial Pursuit.
- Thinking that everyone is bound by American law.
- Believing that anyone outside of America is plain weird and acts like they did in the 19th century (eg. Britain, France, Germany, what with the whigs, the guns that shoot the guy next to you, and the big, spiky helmets)
- Anyone with any desire to learn different things, thinks differently, has a disease, or looks better than the popular person must inevitably be a homosexual, and can only be accepted into civilization if they are called gay 20 times a day without fail, and then quite probably lynched anyway
To Americans, the only country that exists outside of the United States is the one with which they're currently at war. Iraq is the only country that currently exists to Americans (with the possible addition of China, as Americans are at war with the Chinese economy).
[edit] See Also
[edit] The "Unofficial" national anthem of the United States
America... America... America, FUCK YEAH! Coming again, to save the mother fucking day yeah, America, FUCK YEAH! Freedom is the only way yeah, Terrorist your game is through cause now you have to answer too, America, FUCK YEAH! So lick my butt, and suck on my balls, America, FUCK YEAH! What you going to do when we come for you now, it’s the dream that we all share; it’s the hope for tomorrow Because Europeans need to be maimed! FUCK YEAH! McDonalds, FUCK YEAH! Wal-Mart, FUCK YEAH! The Gap, FUCK YEAH! Baseball, FUCK YEAH! NFL, FUCK, YEAH! Rock and roll, FUCK YEAH! The Internet, FUCK YEAH! Slavery, FUCK YEAH! FUCK YEAH! Starbucks, FUCK YEAH! Disney world, FUCK YEAH! Porno, FUCK YEAH! Valium, FUCK YEAH! Reeboks, FUCK YEAH! Fake Tits, FUCK YEAH! Sushi, FUCK YEAH! Taco Bell, FUCK YEAH! Rodeos, FUCK YEAH! Bed bath and beyond (Fuck yeah, Fuck yeah) Liberty, FUCK YEAH! Waxed Lips, FUCK YEAH! The Alamo, FUCK YEAH! Band-aids, FUCK YEAH! Las Vegas, FUCK YEAH! Christmas, FUCK YEAH! Immigrants, FUCK YEAH! Popeye, FUCK YEAH! SeaKing, FUCK YEAH! Democrats, FUCK YEAH! Republicans (republicans) (fuck yeah, fuck yeah) Sportsmanship Books
[edit] The OTHER "Unofficial" national anthem of the United States
There is no other, but the faggot who thinks this should be force-fed their mothers cock soup.
[edit] Sports
Every American is terrible at real sports. To compensate for this, Americans have invented a variety of new sports. After refusing to allow any country besides Canadia and Japan to play, America will consistently declare itself the best participant of said sport in the world, but we all know that this is a fact, and anybody who disagrees is a homosexual with AIDS.
One famous sport in America is called Football. The sport consists of large men - the bigger the better - throwing a leather ball around. Basic tactics in football are simple: the most muscular man runs, while various smaller men try to stop him. Of course, physics tells us that once an muscly American gets moving, there is no way to stop him.
Football differs from the Australian version in that Americans wear tons of protective headgear and shit, whereas Australians have discarded the protective stuff in favor of tight short shorts and jerseys. Try to work out which one is more pussy. Obviously, those dirty Aussies with their retarded accents.
In football, if one can spend at least three years in the Professional league and keep at least 30% of his brain matter, he is officially a Legend. Even better if his nose isn't smashed halfway across his face.
Another famous American sport is called "bombing the foreigner." It has been played by every single president since bombs were invented, because foreigners are disgusting and should all be gutted.
The combination of all the aforementioned factors has convinced about 79.34% of the US population that the United States is the only good country in the world. This is why the city of Iraq, Texas, gets burned to the ground every ten years by angry mobs. Boston also gets burned to the ground, but it occurs annually, and is not propagated by angry mobs. It is a ritual that happens every time the Red Sox lose to the Yankees.
[edit] "Liberation"
The United States has a tendency to free other countries from entities that may or may not actually be a problem - most recently:
- Freeing Afghanistan from Terrorists (and Opium)
- Freeing Iraq from Terrorists (and Oil)
- Freeing The Whoal World!! from Miloševič
- Freeing the UK from Britsh pop music
On tap:
- Freeing Syria from Terrorists (and Oil)
- Freeing Iran from Terrorists (and Oil)
In the works:
- Freeing Venezuela from duly elected President Hugo Chavez, or whomever the CIA decides to install after the coup. (also Oil)
- Freeing the world from North Korea - a crafty ploy, as it was the US that brokered that missile technology to them through 3rd parties. A simple plan and a great excuse to go barging in.
America is very good at bombing the shit out of poor Middle Eastern countries that have about three rusty missiles from 30 years ago and a crate of AK-47s with which to defend themselves. Fighting a country, such as North Korea, which might well have weapons of mass destruction, is a little bit riskier. As a result, America probably won't invade unless they have the support of The Coalition of The Willing (Britain, Australia.. Turkey? other suck-ups..) and are certain China won't nuke the shit out of them in retribution, even if they wanted too.
America single-handedly defeated Fascism, Communism and Socialism OMG PWNED!!!1!11. They're currently engaged in the long hard battle against Democracy and freedom of thought. We should all thank the American army. Thank you American army! Because we as foreigners are weak pussies that can't do anything alone!
[edit] Cities, States and Whatnot
- Alabama
- Arkansas
- Australia; a.k.a. Little America who wants to be like US until Little Britain comes to their rescue of their little baby
- Baghdad
- Boston, capital of the State of Dumbfuckistan
- California: San Diego, San Fagcisco, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Santa Rosa, Sebastopol, The OC
- Canada, as soon as some sort of use can be found for it
- Colorado
- Detroit
- Florida: Miami
- Georgia: Atlanta
- Habbo USA
- Idaho
- Illinois: Chicago
- Iraq
- Israel
- Indiana
- Kansas
- London
- Louisiana: New Orleans
- Mexico, since most of Mexico is already in the USA
- Maryland
- Washington, DC
- Minnesota: Minneapolis
- Nevada: Las Vegas, Reno
- New Hampshire
- New Jersey
- New York: New York City
- Ohio: Youngstown
- Pennsylvania: Philadelphia
- Texas: Austin, Dallas, Fort Worth, Houston, San Antonio
- The Internets
- United Kingdom
- Utah
- Vice City
- Washington: Seattle
- Wyoming
[edit] Copypasta
Usa sucks ;D Nothing is good with USA... The country is filled with Jews and gayshit getto fuck niggers. People can't even afford 10$ on something they like without getting bankerot. Bush is a dumbfuck Texas whore with one ball. USA don't have the correct English, the guy a little below saying USA only have 1 language is wrong... Some speak nigga language, some English, some half italian, some spanish, etc...
I'm sick and tired of all this America bashing. We OWN the fucking world. We're the only super power left, which means we're the rulers. Don't like it, go move to Mars or turn your shitty little country into a super power. Oh yeah, that's right. You CAN'T! Yeah there's wars and shit, but that's only because you won't get into line. If everyone would just accept it the entire world could be living like the USA under a Pax Americana. Look at Japan and Canada. They gave in and accepted American superiority. They got to keep the elements of their culture they liked and filled in the rest with American culture. They do what they're told and they live happy prosperous lives. Every other country in the world could have it just as good if they'd do the same thing. You cause shit with us, don't fall into line, we spank you with bombs. Do what we want and EVERYONE wins. Why is that so fucking hard for the rest of you to get through your dumb-fucking heads? America doesn't hate you. America doesn't WANT to bomb you. But if you get in America's way, if you make yourselves into problems and start hating on America, what the fuck are we supposed to do? If it wasn't for America you wouldn't even have an internet to bitch about us on. Seriously, I'm getting sick of all this anti-America bosnian bullshit. We can all get along if we all DO WHAT WE'RE TOLD!
Why America is the Best: -Brits started the colony but Americans were all "Fuck Eurofags!" America proceeds to own the Brits and reject their tea in favor of liquor. -War of 1812: Brits try again. Result: FAILURE! -America then expands to the Pacific, owning Native Americans and Mexico along the way. MANIFEST DESTINY, BITCH! -America has a civil war, pretty much because the rest of the world was made up of pussies, so we fought ourselves because we're so fucking METAL! -WWI: Eurofags try and reenact the American civil war, they fail miserably, we bail their asses out -The Great Depression was so great, the rest of the world suffered for it -WWII: Eurofags try again at the whole civil war reenactment, fail again, America develops nuclear weapons -Post-WWII: America rules the world through different means; We fuck over the Commies hard because they are Commie bastards and they suck, like Nazis -Present Day: Team America: World Police; Team Europe: World Faggots -The Future: America remains on the forefront of technological breakthroughs, leading to a cure for all diseases, lasers, and other things that are awesome. Europe is consumed by the Zombie Apocalypse because they are too busy sucking to fight back. -Britfags go out of their way to misspell the word “America” in order to offend, then backtrack by claiming to have invented the language and hate anyone evolving it.
We were talking about this with a friend earlier: WHY ARE EUROPEAN PEOPLE SO ANGRY AT AMERICANS? and we came up with this answer: they're jealous! Let's see why: 1)Biggest gay porno industry 2)We have a measuring system that's based on human proportions and whole numbers, not an arbitarily-defined "OH NO, IT'S 38.5C TODAY" metric system. 3)We have the bigger military. not to mention taht we are pissd of by a bunch of kids with ak-47 in iraq. We also get guns, while you fags don't even know which end of the magazine goes in the gun. we also have AZns who shoot people for lulz 4)We can do whatever we want without a mandate from the faggy UN. 5)We have a health care system defined by a FREE MARKET, not a nanny government that taxes you guys out the ass. 6)We got rhythm. We can dance, rap, sing, make music, you name it, also we suck the biggest nigga cocks 7)We aren't being invaded by Arabs 8)We're simply cooler. Admit it, maybe it wasn't the case some 200 years ago, but nowadays being European sucks while being American is cool as hell 9)We got ONE language, the correct version of the English language. European people have to learn OUR LANGUAGE in school. We don't have to translate every official document into 50 different moonspeak versions 10)If you don't die a virgin, and happen to get a daughter... chances are she'll be sucking and swallowing American dicks :) I could be going on and on and on but you get the point by now Enjoy being European, suckers :)
[edit] See Also
[edit] Gallery
 Our current United States President. |
 Flag of Jewmerica, the 51st United State, located in Palestine. |
 'unofficial' Department of Defense motto. |
 Every true American is a god |
 What needs to be done |
 FUCK YEAH! |
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| The United States of Encyclopedia Dramatica |
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| States | Alabama | Alaska | Arizona | Arkansas | California | Colorado | Connecticut | Delaware | Florida | Georgia | Hawaii | Idaho | Illinois | Indiana | Iowa | Kansas | Kentucky | Louisiana | Maine | Maryland | Massachusetts | Michigan | Minnesota | Mississippi | Missouri | Montana | Nebraska | Nevada | New Hampshire | New Jersey | New Mexico | New York | North Carolina | North Dakota | Ohio | Oklahoma | Oregon | Pennsylvania | Rhode Island | South Carolina | South Dakota | Tennessee | Texas | Utah | Vermont | Virginia | Washington | West Virginia | Wisconsin | Wyoming |
| Not a state yet | Australia | Canada | China | District of Columbia | Eurabia | Iraq |
