Goldeneye 007
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The greatest first person shooter ever made according to Nintendo Fanboys and people who have never played a shooter on a PC, anyone who wasn't raised in a trailer park. Goldeneye was able to sell over 9000 copies. In 1997, anyone who had a Nintendo 64 had Goldeneye, as there were no other games to play besides Mario and various piles of shit. Oh, and it was based off the 1995 James Bond movie GoldenEye.
Single Player
Truth is, no one gave a flying fuck about the story in Goldeneye, which sort of follows the plot of the movie that came out two years before the game did. Remember that in the 90s, Americans cared as much for James Bond as the French cared for bathing, because of the epic fail of the Timothy Dalton films (which purists believe hews closer to the source material than the lulz of the Roger Moore films). Simply put, a bunch of bad Commies are using the Goldeneye satellite to detonate an EMP on London for lulz and revenge. Bond saves the world by going through a linear, non-branching path, killing every idiot AI who tries to stop him. Oh, and aside from killing everyone, you also have to do shit like take pictures, get keys, turn generators on and off, and protect the slow, bullet-magnet of a Bond Girl named Natalya, who is a good Commie. Like there is such a thing as a good Commie, amirite?
Multiplayer
The most popular feature of Goldeneye was the multiplayer deathmatch. Goldeneye was a great murder simulator for its time, as it featured one-hit kills, a decent variety of levels, a shitload of hidden playable characters, and different gameplay settings.
But how did four people play against each other in a first person shooter before the time of Xbox Live? Enter Split Screen, which had the amazing ability to make your pathetic 20 inch TV even more gay by splitting it in half or into four separate screens... hence the term, split screen, r-tard. It made camping impossible as your opponent could look to your screen and know exactly where you were. It made trash talk awkward as the guy calling you a pussy was a couple feet away from you and well within beatdown distance. And lastly, it completely killed the ability to be anonymous and talk shit over a headset to your fellow players.
Originally, you could only select from about eight different character models, which were the main characters of the game. This led to people rushing to be the first to select James Bond as their character, because no one wanted to be stuck as any of the Commies. Then you could unlock four secret characters, which were villains from the Bond films: Jaws, Baron Samedi, Mayday, Jesus and Oddjob, who fulfilled stereotyping conditions and was a midget. On top of these hidden characters were a couple dozen others you could unlock all at once with a button code. These super sekrit characters were really just the enemy body models with shitty face-mappings of the developers, as we all know video game developers suffer from severe cases of unwarranted self-importance.
As previously stated, there were multiple gameplay settings. One was "Slappers Only", which, like the film's co-star Alan Cumming, is gay as fuck. It was basically playing Friday Night Sissy Fights in a first-person view. Some argue the best mode was Man With The Golden Gun, which puts out one spawn point of the Golden Gun, which is a one-hit kill weapon, not unlike AIDS.
Sequels
Sadly the Japs at Nintendo lost the license to Bond to EA, resulting in the James Bond video games to follow the last two Brosnan and both Dalton movies in terms of shitshowiness. The first of these was the PlayStation version of Tomorrow Never Dies, which somehow had worse graphics than Goldeneye. There have been spiritual successors to Goldeneye 007, and one really horrible sellout.
• Perfect Dark: There are some who will tell you that Perfect Dark is even better than Goldeneye. Well Perfect Dark had a better story with a female secret agent and warring aliens, better graphics, better multi-player, voices and decent cutscenes. It had slowdowns but there's no way that you can play an FPS with lag. Everyone was getting hyped over the Dreamcast and PS2 anyway, so most didn't care about it. It only sold a measly 2.5 million copies compared to Bond's 8 million.
• TimeSplitters: Developed by the people who made Goldeneye, Timesplitters is actually pretty fucking good and had tons of humor and sexual innuendo. It was truly overshadowed by Halo.
• Goldeneye Source: Decent multiplayer mod plagued by haxxors killing the user base. It is notable for the fact that the director of the mod became An Hero on May 24, 2006 by inhaling carbon monoxide from a charcoal grill, which set the rest of his apartment building on fire. This proved that being a flaming fag really could lead to real fires being started.
• GoldenEye: Rogue Agent: A game that has done more damage to Goldeneye 007 than Rule 34 ever would (note: the original creator of this article said "we need Bond porn, maybe Bond getting blown by Jaws"). Basically, EA took some retarded geek's fanfic and made a game out of it. GoldenEye is not a satelite in this game, but a fucking cybernetic eye-ball made out of gold and shoved in a rogue 00 agent's eyesocket (hence the title). Couple that with uninspired mediocre gameplay and all of the classic Bond villains still being alive and warring against each other (told you it was based off a retarded geek's fanfic), and you got yourself a cheap cash-in attempt.
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